I was eager to know what she thought of today. She seemed to be avoiding me, though I wasn’t sure why. I had hoped that the day would show that I was open to her suggestions. I was desperate to hear how she thought it went.
All that changed when the world’s most punchable face stepped in front of me.
“Chagny,” I said.
“Devlin. That’s what you go by now, right?”
I was too stunned by the offhand comment to respond. I stood frozen in place. What had he meant by that? Nobody at the SOOK knew of my life before Devlin.
“Or would you prefer Maestro?” So that was what he meant. I took a breath in through flared nostrils.
“Yes,” I said.
He went on, a smug smile plastered to his face. “You should call me Roderick.” He adjusted the cuffs of the suit he wore. “We’re going to see each other a lot more. I’m sure.” He glanced to Kim, who’d just finish packing up. “If you’ll excuse me.” He bumped me as he passed.
I glared. I wouldn’t excuse him. I was about to grab him by the collar and kick him the hell out of my rehearsal space.
“Ah, Maestro, might we have a word?”
I took a steadying breath before I turned around. I had been riding so high after our performance; now I crashed back to earth.
“I’m busy,” I said.
“I understand. We’ll only be a minute,” Dick said it affably, but there was no choice in the matter.
“Let’s go to your office,” Andy suggested.
I glanced one last time to see that Kim had set her cello case down and stood to hug Chagny. My lip curled.
“Why is Chagny always here?” I asked as soon as my office door shut behind me.
“Mr. and Mrs. Chagny are proud donors. Their son is welcome anytime.” This was from Andy.
“It was a private rehearsal,” I said.
“About today’s rehearsal …” Andy said.
“You didn’t have permission to bring those students in,” Dick said.
“I didn’t realize I needed permission.”
“Of course you did.” Dick sputtered. “There are waivers to sign. Instruments to secure. Had we known they were so …”
“Urban?” the other offered.
“Right. We would have put the instruments away. To have them walking around, touching them. That’s risking thousands of dollars. There’s a liability there. The musicians should have been aware beforehand.”
I ground my teeth before choosing my words carefully. “They wanted to hear real music. They get enough garbage blasted at them. Studies have shown that children who can read music and play instruments consistently do better in other areas of studies and life. In fact—”
“Sure.” Dick held up a hand. “We’re glad to have more community involvement. But there are certain ways of doing things. You can’t just invite a busload of young people without asking.”
“I thought the goal was to generate interest in the SOOK,” I said. My blood pressure was rising. My intentions were good. The goal had been to make people happy, and it had worked. Now I was be chastised for it? It was only because they wanted me out. They’d find any excuse to fire me.
“Of course, perhaps we could—”
I stood. “If we are done here.” I was sick of paperwork and bureaucracy. It was about the music. The room closed in around me. Heat burned my cheeks. I needed fresh air.
Neither of the men moved. The sweaty one refused to look at me. I was tempted to yell, “Boo!” just to see if he jumped.
“I’m afraid this is your second strike, Maestro,” Andy said.
“Second?” I asked.
“The first was announcing the chair additions the way you did. You have to learn to communicate with your symphony and coordinate with the board,” Andy explained.
I frowned, but had no excuse to speak to. I needed to talk to Kim. Was it possible that I had made the wrong choice? Should I have cleared this event with management before I did it? I felt helpless and embarrassed for screwing up even when I tried to be better. Maybe I’d never get things right.
Dick added, “There can be no more warnings.”
I bit my tongue. If I didn’t, I would prove them exactly right. I stormed out of my office. By the time I got back to the room, Kim was gone.
Chapter 24
You’re distracted. Get your priorities in order.
KIM
My stomach was twisted with a dread I didn’t understand. So when Roddy suggested we leave for lunch I accepted without hesitation. I needed some space away to work through some thoughts. Today had been a good day. Devlin had done a great thing. So why did I feel so sick and weird?
“Are you okay?” Roddy asked, opening the passenger door of his sports car for me.
It was fancy and fast and red. I dropped into the low bucket seat and plastered on a smile for him. “Of course. Just hungry.”
He nodded and shut the door. When he was buckled in, he asked, “Anywhere in particular you want to go?”
This was a dreaded question. If I picked and the service was bad or the food was subpar, then I’d be the one at fault. I could eat anywhere. It didn’t matter to me, but he needed a decision. Just this minor choice added to the quickening dread doubling inside me.
Still, I wanted to contribute and sound interesting, so I said, “There’s this new French bistro with an appetizer that has six different types of cheese. Sounds interesting.”
“Let’s try it,” he said affably.
At the restaurant, I regretted my decision almost immediately. The hostess was short in tone and pretentious. The ten minutes to even be sat felt too long.
“I should have just called up my friend. He owns the Waterfront Grille. We could be eating by now,” Roddy said, glancing at his phone.
When we were finally sat, I spent the entire meal silently wishing the server would hurry. I had been looking forward to spending time with Roddy again, but now that I was here, I just wanted to leave.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You should have picked.”
He laughed it off. “Not every place in Tennessee is fine dining.”
I returned his smile but my food sat untouched.
“Quite a stunt he pulled today,” Roddy said as I pushed a piece of bread around my plate.
“Stunt?” I asked. It hadn’t felt like a stunt.
“Devlin. With the kids. He’s trying to get people to like him and using children as a tool. It’s sad. I feel bad for those kids.”
“I think he was just trying to interest the next generation.” I pushed my plate away. I didn’t want to think or talk about Devlin or rehearsal.
“Why not bring in the kids that go to Camp Hickory? That’s real talent. It’s still around, you know. They’ve been upgrading a little, thankfully. But man, some of the best memories, right?”
“Well. Some of them,” I said.
He searched my face. “Right. Well. Our time together, at least.”
The napkin twisted in my fingers. “You know. After camp. I wasn’t—I struggled with what happened with Ariana.”
I hoped he’d sensed my need to talk about it. I hoped he wanted to talk about it too.
“Don’t think about it. It was a tragic accident,” he said.
“I—”
His frown quickly snapped into a smile. “I’ve missed you. I never stopped thinking about you.”
I flushed. “I thought about you too.” I thought about so much.
“Yo-Yo, I want to start new. As adults. We have a wonderful history together, and that’s part of why I feel so at ease with you.”
I smiled. I had thought I’d feel at ease with him, but I hadn’t felt relaxed since we’d left.
“I want to be with you. We should give us another shot,” he said abruptly.
“Oh.” Shouldn’t this be just what I wanted to hear? A cloud hung over my head from my complicated feelings for Devlin.
“I don’t want to rush anything. Only if you’re ready. I
know we were away from each other for a long time. I’d like you to take your time and get to know me again.”
“That sounds nice,” I said. “Getting to know each other now.”
“But the notes. The time at camp. You need to move on. I worry about you.”
“Your notes saved me.” If he could just understand what the notes meant for me, maybe he’d be open to talking more about everything. I didn’t want him to regret sending them.
“I was just a kid back then. I’m a little embarrassed about it.”
Was it possible that I did give the notes too much power? I was an adult who cherished a shoebox of old scribblings. It had never felt childish to me though. This wasn’t the time to breech this topic. I had too much on my mind.
“You’re right. Let’s start over,” I said. “I’ve been distracted.”
“Devlin asks too much of this symphony. I mean, God, it’s the SOOK, not New York or London.”
I took a sip of water as I felt myself bristle.
Was I self-sabotaging? Pushing Roddy away because of my confused attraction for Devlin? A man, who, by the way, had not shown any returned interest but that I continued to fawn over like a helpless teenager. Was a school-girl obsession swaying my thoughts?
I wasn’t being fair to Roddy. I was in a funk, but it wasn’t his fault. He was genuinely trying. Maybe I was over-thinking an opportunity at a renewed relationship with an old friend.
“I think I could make you happy. You don’t have to do anything.” He put his hands on the table between us and gestured for me to take them. They were soft and warm. He offered so much simple security. He had always cared about me. I needed to remember that.
“You’re a good friend.” I smiled at him.
His smile faltered for a flash. “There’s no rush. Just trust that I want what’s best for you.”
I nodded. “I trust you.”
As he spoke the intense pressure that had been building all day began to melt away. There were no choices to be made. It had always been Roddy. He was back in my life for a reason.
“I see such big things for you. You’re so beautiful and talented. I’m so incredibly proud to know you.”
I flushed. “Thank you.”
Roddy was safety. Devlin stirred up dark part of my soul and had me questioning myself. I couldn’t trust my own judgment around Devlin and facts were facts. Roddy was here. Roddy straight up told me he wanted what’s best for me.
“I just worry about the pressure Devlin is putting on you,” he said. I must have had my thoughts clearly written all over my face. “Just because you inspire him, doesn’t mean his work should come at cost to you.”
“He thinks I’m talented.”
“Of course you are. I have no doubt of that. You could do anything. That’s one of the things I have always appreciated about you. I just want to make sure that working with him is what you want. That you weren’t pressured into it. He may see you as a muse, but I know you’re more than that.”
“I don’t think I’m his muse.” But hadn’t Devlin confessed something similar? Hadn’t he said that he needed me to help him finish his composition?
“The fact is you’re beautiful. I’m not saying there’s any reason other than your talent, but there’s talk around the SOOK, I’m sorry to say. People are questioning why he chose you for the solo. Obviously, I’ve told them it’s because you’re the most gifted.”
“No, I’m not—”
“But there is talk, you know. Because he’s a conductor. He wants you for something more.”
“It’s not like that.” I hated that we were even having this discussion. It was making me angry for reasons I couldn’t define in that moment. Something I would have to unpack later. I should be flattered, right? People thought I was beautiful. But it didn’t feel like flattery.
I pushed the thoughts away.
“Let’s not talk about work anymore,” I said.
“Good idea. Let’s have some wine to toast our new venture.” He poured from a bottle he got for the table. I hadn’t had any.
“What new venture?” I wouldn’t drink, but I took the glass to not push the issue.
“You’re amazing, Yo-Yo, and more important than that, you’re gorgeous. I’m going to represent you.”
“Represent me?” I managed to ask as I gripped the chair to keep from spinning.
“Yes. You need to go solo. You’re bigger than this place.”
“How so?”
“Touring. Albums. You have the look. You’re sort of ethnically ambiguous but still gorgeous. You’ll be huge. Just imagine being on stage.” He held up his thumb and pointer finger from both hands to create a box around me he looked through. “Your hair down would be amazing—maybe streaks of wild colors, add some curl and volume. Your clothes could be updated, maybe some short skirts, hate to say it, but that’s what sells. You could even get one of those chic electric cellos. I have ideas.”
“Wow. Yes, you do.”
I blinked and the world spun. I couldn’t wear a skirt with a cello. I literally spread my legs and straddled wood. I didn’t like the sound of an electric cello, not for my style. And I couldn’t play with my hair down; it gets caught in the fingerboard and tugs.
He’d clearly put thought into this and he was so excited, but this was all a lot and very fast. Why was it so easy for me to share my feelings with Devlin, while I worried about offending Roddy? “Maybe we can talk about it more later?” I settled on. Maybe I could talk things through with the SWS.
“Let me tell you what I’m thinking for your solo tour.” He pulled out his phone and pulled up a map to show me.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for a tour.”
“When you’re ready. But I’ve already talked to several concert hall managers. My parents have big connections, you know. I say we start there. Stops all around the southeast. Then we start promoting you on social media as we go. You could be huge on YouTube and Instagram. Really sell your image.”
“Wow. This is a lot. I need to think about it,” I said firmly.
“Of course, of course.” He put his phone back in his pocket. “I will take care of you, Yo-Yo, forever. Let me take care of everything.”
“That sounds nice.” And it did.
Chapter 25
Find your influences in all the genres.
KIM
“Yeah but why do the rumors make me so angry?” I asked the group of women around me.
The SWS was at Genie’s for an unscheduled, emergency meeting at my request. The girls were happy to meet up. Country music blared all around us. My voice was hoarse from talking so much all at once. There was so much to tell them. Genie’s was decently packed for a Thursday night. There weren’t a ton of bars in Green Valley that weren’t overrun by bikers. Genie’s was the place to be. Their fried pickles and wings were fuhgeddaboutit.
“It makes you angry because it’s bullshit,” Gretchen shouted back. “Women are told that they only have value if they’re screwable and then when people want to screw them, they get judged for it and labeled things like whore. GAH!” She threw up her arms.
Blithe nodded. “It’s true. Damn if you do, damned if you don’t.”
“Damned if you do it, damned if you don’t do it,” Gretchen said.
“Beauty is totally subjective and superfluous anyway,” Roxy added. Her eyeliner was extra dark tonight, even for her. I made a mental note to make sure she was okay. “Everything is a construct of the patriarchy.”
“True that,” I said.
“And I won’t feel guilty for wanting to be sexy either!” Suzie said with emotion. “I can wear sweatpants, or I can hooch it up. But it’s for me … okay, sometimes for Ford … but anyway.”
Just being here with my girls and venting had already improved my mood.
“Also, it’s a creepy double standard. If it was Barry chosen for the solo, nobody would bat an eye. But because I’m young and objectively not ugly, they assume I’ve used sex to g
et ahead,” I said, feeling empowered around my girls.
“Not ugly?” Gretchen dramatically clutched a hand to her chest. “Watch out now, Kim’s getting a big head.”
I stuck out my tongue at her. “It just sucks because there’s nothing I can do.”
“So cluck ‘em,” Suzie chimed in. “Listen, as a stripper, I’ve been on both sides. People hate no matter what. Who cares? The people who really care about you won’t judge you.”
“Cheers to that,” Blithe held up her glass and we toasted for at least tenth time that night. Mine was just water, but the feeling was there.
“I know it’s easier said than done though. When you’re the one living it and hearing it,” Suzie added, “it just plain sucks.”
I nodded with a pout. “It doesn’t help that I’m really, really attracted to Devlin.”
I lowered my voice, but the music must have stopped at that exact moment because I swore it echoed across the bar.
“What?” This was from Roxy, who had been glaring at a rugged looking biker in the corner. “When did this happen? I thought we were team Roddy.”
Gretchen said, “It’s okay to be attracted to multiple people at the same time.”
“I’m undecided on Roddy. It’s the attraction to Devlin that’s confusing. I feel weird about it. Especially if he only sees me as musical inspiration.”
Once Roddy had pointed it out, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had feelings for Devlin but what did he think about me? I didn’t know. We’d never talked about that.
“You think Devlin is using you?” Roxy asked. “Actually, he does remind me of another devilishly handsome biker we all know.”
“He who shall not be named,” Blithe said.
Gretchen waved her hand, waving away her comment. “Don’t forget Jethro had great taste. Look around you.”
The Treble With Men Page 16