When she eventually looked my way, I gave her the biggest smile and double thumbs up despite the dread somersaulting through my gut.
Finally, it was our turn, the cellos. I let Carla and the others go first and kept myself firmly in the middle.
If Carla’s swearing under her breath was any indication, I knew what was coming.
“Third chair. Third? Are you kidding me?” she was growling at Barry. When I got close enough to look, she didn’t move. I had to bend around her to see.
It read: First chair - Christine Day.
My heart plummeted when it should have rejoiced. Now the rumors would have even more fuel.
I was first. Barry was second, Carla third, and Joe had slid from third to fourth but he just nodded like it was the result he’d expected.
“This is bull,” Carla said. “My father promised—” She cut herself short and crossed her arms.
My heart slammed against my chest. She shot me a look of pure hatred. I had no excuses. She waved away Barry’s comfort. I had done this. I had caused her reaction. What if—
“Carla, I’m sorry,” I said.
She looked at me and frowned. “Isn’t this exactly what you wanted?”
My head was shaking. “No.”
“You should be happy,” she said. “After all you sure did earn it.” She wiped away a quick tear.
Had I earned it? What if … what if Devlin thought …
I couldn’t think. That pressing weight sat firmly on my chest again. I needed out of that room. I didn’t want the solo. I didn’t want first chair. Not like this.
“Ms. Day, where are you going?” I was almost out of the room when I stopped at Devlin’s question.
“I just need to—”
His brows drew together. “Rehearsal isn’t over.”
“Teacher’s pet,” Carla mumbled.
I couldn’t speak. The room started to spin. I didn’t ask for this. I wanted to scream it.
Carla was glaring at me with red-rimmed eyes. I’d made a huge mistake. I had gone too far. My whole body shook with tremors.
“I don’t feel well. I need to go.”
Chapter 33
Play like there is no one to offend.
KIM
Roddy was waiting right outside the room holding a giant bundle of flowers.
His smile was huge as he said, “Congratulations.”
I ran right up to him and threw my arms around his neck. I squeezed so tight. A friendly face was so desperately needed. I drew up all the good things his smell and memories did for me. I brought up all the happy and pushed away all the negativity.
“Yo-Yo?”
I squeezed him harder but then let go. “I need a break. Get me away from here.”
“Okay. What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to get first chair. My parents told me. They were pleased. So am I. Why aren’t you?”
“Please, let’s talk somewhere else.”
I tugged him toward the exit. If I could just take a minute to right my thoughts, talk through some things. A big part of me wanted to go to Devlin for this, but I couldn’t now. Not with all those faces watching.
Roddy stopped me before we got outside and put his hands on my shoulders. “Talk to me, Yo-yo.”
“It’s just too much.” I gestured back to the performance space. “I appreciate it, I really do. I know that means the committee saw some talent in me, but people are talking about me like I did this or did something … unprofessional to get it.”
I focused on his Adam’s apple as I spoke. His skin was fair, more fair than mine. There were little red bumps where he shaved.
“I heard the rumors too. Absolutely absurd. Trust me, I’ve talked to Richard and Andrew about it. My parents too. Nobody will stand for this.”
“You have?” I asked.
“Yes. Can you imagine? You and Devlin? Like he has anything to offer you.” His face was contorted with disgust. “Even if he does want you as his little pet, I won’t let him use you up like that. You’d be wasted as some moody artist’s plaything.”
“Roddy, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want the solo.”
“I know. It’s okay. Don’t worry about anything.” He pulled me in for another hug. “The only reason these rumors are even going is because they’re trying to sell seats. It’s abhorrent and selfish. But don’t worry. I have a plan. I’ll take care of everything.”
Relief settled into my bones. “Thank you.”
I stepped forward to rest my head on his chest. He smelled nice, sort of clean like baby powder. He was shorter than I remembered. And bonier. I adjusted my cheek to find a more comfortable spot.
“Don’t worry about the gossips. You earned that chair. You did earn it. You work so hard.”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the worry.
“If it’s really upsetting you though, you don’t have to do it, you know?” he said cautiously.
“What do you mean?”
He tugged me to the side. “Listen. There’s interest in a tour. If you wanted to leave today, I could have everything set up with a few phone calls. This could be your chance to get away from this place. Away from the gossips and Green Valley.”
“Leave Green Valley?” I asked.
Could I escape my past? Would it be that easy? I had always hoped Roddy would be the reason things changed. I didn’t want to upset the symphony. I didn’t want to ruin Devlin’s chances at success. If I went on that stage in this state, if I tried to play the solo, I’d hurt too many people to count.
“Carla would be happy to take your place. The people who think you didn’t earn this would be happy. Not that that matters. But I’d be happy too. I’ve always wanted more for you. I want to keep you safe. You decide, and I’ll take you away from all of this.”
My heart was beating so hard my body shook. I couldn’t take a full breath, and the hallway blurred.
I didn’t know if I wanted to do that. But I also couldn’t face the thought of stepping on that stage and playing Carla’s solo. I thought of the hurt and sadness on Carla’s face. I thought of Devlin and my confession in the hallway. I know he’d said it wasn’t my fault. I know he wanted me to play for me, but he didn’t understand that it was happening again. My success was hurting people. I couldn’t do that again. I couldn’t stay and hurt people.
I could take myself out of the equation though. I could go away. Changing my name had been step one but I needed to leave Green Valley to truly become Christine Day. I would just explain that it was all happening too fast.
“Come on. Let’s go. We will go to my folk’s place and figure this out.” Roddy pushed open the back exit. He tugged me along after.
“Wait. I need to—”
“Where are you going?” Devlin yelled.
I spun to see him eating up ground in only a few steps. His fists were balled and his face was furious.
“I need some time to talk, Maestro,” I said.
His focus was on me, brows furrowed and chest heaving. “You can’t just leave. You’re first chair.”
“She doesn’t want to be here. You can’t make her stay.” Roddy put himself between us.
“I wasn’t speaking to you,” Devlin growled.
Roddy crossed his arms.
“Move or I’ll move you.”
“Roddy, it’s okay—” I started.
“It’s not okay,” Roddy said. “You are scared. Look at you, you’re shaking and pale. And he’s done this. All of this. He’s pushed you to this point.”
“I didn’t do anything. You are the one scaring her. Now move, let me talk to her.”
“Why don’t you back off?” Roddy puffed up his chest and stepped up to Devlin.
I tried to pull Roddy back. “It’s okay. I can explain.”
“No.” Roddy brushed me off, causing him to bump into Devlin.
Roddy wasn’t small by any means. He was almost six foot easily, but Devlin had mass and height over him.
“She’s had enou
gh of you and your scare tactics. She wants to leave.”
“I’m not scared. Let me speak, both of you!” Nerves made my voice shrill.
Both men looked at me.
“I just need to think,” I said more calmly. I pressed my fingertips to my temple. I couldn’t bring myself to see Devlin’s face. Would there be hurt or disappointment?
“Can’t you see what you’re doing to her, man?” Roddy asked.
Devlin’s fists clenched and unclenched. His anger was barely restrained.
“Why don’t you take your temper and go? Stop making her pay for your piss-poor attitude.” Roddy got right up in Devlin’s face. “Not so tough now? Now that you know I’m right.”
A shadow passed over Devlin’s face. He looked to me. “What’s going on?” He spoke low and directly to me.
Before I could answer, Roddy shoved Devlin’s shoulder and said, “You know what? No. I’m tired of him playing you, Yo-Yo. I’ve had enough.”
“Please, stop,” I said.
“No. He’s hurting you.” He shoved again.
Devlin crossed his arms. His jaw flexed as he ground his teeth to stay quiet. He didn’t look at the other man at all. His gaze burned into mine.
Roddy gave up and turned to me. “I knew he would do this. Since the moment I came back. I knew he would find a way to hurt you. He takes too much. Pushes you too hard.”
Roddy lowered his voice and grabbed my hands. “All I have ever wanted was to help you. In camp. Even now. I want to help you. He wants to take from you.”
With every word that Roddy spoke, Devlin grew more tense, though he tried to pretend he wasn’t listening. He kept his focus locked on me as though trying to convey something.
“What’s this about?” Richard came out from his office with Andy at his side.
A few others from the symphony had leaked into the hall to watch the commotion. With every added witness my anxiety grew. I needed to calm everybody down. I needed to make things better. More people spilled out into the hall. I knew what they’d think. Roddy and Devlin fighting over me. This could break Devlin’s career. This could ruin his reputation if I didn’t calm things down.
“I wrote those notes for you. I took care of you,” Roddy dropped his head and spoke low. “Agree to leave with me and start your new life.”
I looked into his ice blue eyes, searching for the man who could make all this better. He lowered his head as though he was about to kiss me. I reared back to explain that it wasn’t like that for me, but I didn’t have a chance.
Devlin gripped Roddy’s shoulder, spun him around, and punched him right in the face.
Chaos erupted.
Chapter 34
Your commitment to work sets you apart from the rest.
DEVLIN
People moved all around. Some to Chagny. Some pulling me away. My fist throbbed. But the pain had been worth it to see blood streaming down his face.
I didn’t give a shit that I’d lost control. I was only human. My control had been thinly tethered since rehearsal had started and Kim was visibly distant from me. It had frayed further still by his arrival and the flowers. Further again with his attempt at taking her victories and making them his. Then he’d lied to her face and my last thread snapped. And I couldn’t care less.
When he lied to the world, he took what was mine. Was he insane or did he really think she would never know? How could she not see through his bullshit? Kim was frightened by something, maybe the depth of our connection or her own future, but she wasn’t an idiot. She was brilliant and it boggled my mind that he could even garner any of her attention, let alone affection.
My thoughts were incoherent. Kim crouched at his side. I stood there shaking out my throbbing fist until I was forcibly dragged into Andy-Dick’s office. I wasn’t sure by whom. I just knew that one second I was watching her try to staunch that asshole’s bleeding, the next we were all in the office together.
“We will deal with you later.” Dick dabbed sweat off his face as he spoke to me. “First I have to go calm everyone down.”
“It’s unfortunate,” the other half said to me. He touched his nose when he looked at Chagny sprawled out in a chair with his head held back. “You had been warned.”
The two left. Apparently, no one thought that leaving Kim, Roddy, and me alone in the room was a bad idea. Kim was whispering apologies to him.
“I knew he liked you, but I never thought he’d be so immature,” Chagny said as though he didn’t know I stood only a few feet away.
“I should hit you again,” I spat.
“Maestro, please,” Kim said from his side.
Maestro? Was she kidding me? “Are you serious?”
“Please, let me handle him. One thing at a time,” she pleaded with me.
Her face was so pale, more so than when the chair positions were posted. I knew she’d been holding herself back, avoiding the limelight. I understood her fears now, but she would never change if she held on to them. I had tried to warn her. Ethically, I couldn’t say too much.
“So that’s it? You were just going to leave? With a show coming up?” I snapped. I should have waited until I was calmed down, but I needed answers. I couldn’t stomach the sight of her babying him. How could she so easily push me aside? This wasn’t the Kim I knew.
“You’re out of control,” Chagny lifted his head to spit the words at me with a congested sniff. To Kim he said, “I knew he was dangerous. To think all that time you were alone with him. God, the worst could have happened.”
Kim glanced at me and back to him. “Roddy. Listen. We need to talk. You really shouldn’t have pushed so hard either. This has nothing to do with either of you.”
“It has everything to do with me and you know that.” I heard the crack in my voice. I was giving my hurt away. She saw too much. I steeled my voice. “How long have you two been together?”
At this her head started to shake. “No. It wasn’t like that—”
“But it is now?” I asked.
“Of course.” Roddy sniffed checking for blood with his hand. “Since I’ve been back in town.”
Kim shot a look to him. “Wait, what? No. Roddy, I think you and I need to talk separately.”
“What has all this been Kim?” I hit a hand to my chest. “Am I just your fun distraction waiting for the real thing?”
She held my gaze. “Is that what you really think of me?”
“I don’t think you’re a liar. I would never think that. But you can’t speak your truth and that’s just as dangerous. You let people live your life for you. I won’t do that or be that way. I don’t know what to think anymore. I certainly had no idea you were about to go on tour. This is all news to me. You made promises.”
“I did commit to help with the concerto. You’ve finished it now. I’m trying to do what’s best here. Be patient with me while I figure this out.” Her eyes pleaded with me. I had to look away. “If I take that solo, if I stay here, you know how it would go over.”
Roddy added sheepishly, “I was going to surprise you after the show. Everything has come through perfectly. People are dying to see Christine Day already.”
“This is bullshit. You committed to me!” I yelled and kicked the desk.
She flinched back. I knew I was only making things worse, but we couldn’t end like this. She couldn’t be pressured into leaving. She’d promised me.
Roddy remained quiet as his gaze flicked between us. It was calculating. I didn’t like it.
“I’m sorry.” Kim brought my attention back to her. Her face was creased with a frown.
“Why don’t you want her to go?” Roddy asked me. “Are you worried about her or your September showcase? Did you tell her you’d always intended for her to have the solo? How you fought for her on the committee?”
Kim’s head shot to me. More color seemed to drain from her face. “Devlin. I was so worried you would push me into this.” Her voice was a hurt whisper. “I told you everything. You knew what th
at solo would cost me.”
“I was going to make sure you were ready.” Of course I had wanted her to play it. That’s why we’d been rehearsing so much together, but I would never force her.
I couldn’t lose her. I’d just gotten her. Fear seized my chest. I couldn’t take a full breath.
“You can play it. Nobody else can,” I growled. I didn’t have to explain to them. She’d been there too. She felt the connection, the music, the … love. Fuck, it was love. We both felt it, but she was too chicken to admit it.
“But did you ever consider if it was what I really wanted?” she asked.
Fear stacked behind her eyes. I knew she couldn’t be pushed too soon. I wasn’t trying to, but she had to at least stay and try. I couldn’t lose her.
“You deserve it. You need to stop hiding yourself.” How could I convey this to her? We had talked, she was right. That only convinced me she was ready to move forward. I thought now more than ever she could let go of her past. But she was retreating again. She was pulling away from me.
Fear of losing her, of losing everything we had surged panic through me. I couldn’t stop the words from coming.
“You have to choose. Right now.” Desperation made my words sharp and defiant.
“Don’t make her choose to save your ego,” Roddy said in soft condescension. “Yo-Yo, you don’t have to listen to him. He’s upset because he thinks he’s lost his muse. But you need to tell him what you told me. Be honest. Tell him that you want to go home.”
My heart slammed against my chest. If they weren’t here, I’d grip the wall to keep from collapsing. Had she talked about me to him? How often where they talking? After I had made her come? When we spent hours sharing and playing with each other? I felt like I was growing a new life with this woman and now I was finding out she was a total stranger. Everything had been for her. This tool knew nothing about what made her amazing.
Kim turned to me, her eyes mournful. “It’s not that I don’t want to help you. I do—”
The Treble With Men Page 22