This Holden, the old Holden, the thoughtful, protective, caring man, was dangerous. I’d taken one look at him and fallen in love. A single glance in his direction and I knew he would be the man I’d marry. Obviously, I’d been wrong. So very wrong. But there was still one undeniable truth, I’d always love him. It was like a sickness I couldn’t get rid of. Holden Stanford was my other half. From the second I saw him, something clicked into place. I’d never believed in soulmates until him.
Before I had Faith, I’d been willing to fight for him. I’d given it my all and I’d failed. Now, I had to protect my daughter from my dysfunctional heart. I wouldn’t allow her to get close to Holden only to feel the sting of his deflection.
No way. No how. I’d keep Faith safe at all costs.
Tomorrow, I’d thank Holden for all of his help. Then I’d make a plan to extradite him from our lives. It should be easy—he hated me—but the look on his face no longer said revulsion. It said something new and that scared the hell out of me.
Holden walked to the side of my bed, and with his gaze still connected to mine, he kissed the top of Faith’s head before he laid her next to me.
Bastard.
“Get some sleep.”
I pulled Faith closer and she settled on her side with her little arm over my chest, her head resting on my shoulder, and I held on tight.
My girl was home. She was safe. She was physically unharmed.
Nothing else mattered. Not the revenge I’d vowed on the Towlers, not Holden, not my heart, not the battle I had on my hands. Not a damn thing other than my girl.
Then why couldn’t I get the sight of Holden and Faith walking into my room hand-in-hand out of my mind? Why couldn’t I stop the replay of Faith holding onto Holden? Why couldn’t I stop the mental images of how perfectly she’d fit in his arms, from assaulting me?
Why in the actual hell couldn’t I stop loving the man who’d destroyed me?
16
Holden stayed silent and watched as Faith came awake. Mother and daughter had slept cuddled together on the small twin-sized hospital bed. Twice, a nurse came in to wake up Charleigh and check her vitals. Neither time did Faith even twitch at the intrusion. Both times, Charleigh turned her gaze to the corner where Holden was sitting and didn’t hide her irritation that he was still there.
However, Holden ignored her. He’d spent years living under a mountain of regret, years wishing he’d done everything differently, without knowing how or if he should explain to Charleigh why’d he’d done what he’d done. Sometimes, things are better left in the past, but in the hours he spent looking for Faith and the hours he spent after he’d found her, he’d come to a decision—he needed to make things right.
Though, sometime in the wee hours of the morning as he stared at Charleigh and Faith sleeping, his objective changed. He wasn’t only going to make things right; he was going to make them his. Which meant he was going to turn the water under this particular bridge into raging rapids of emotional turmoil. He’d have to confess everything. Six months ago, that thought would’ve made him sick to his stomach. Hell, six days ago, he would’ve rather run away than fess up and tell the truth. Admitting he couldn’t have children was only the tip of the iceberg. There was so much more, things that Paul had said and done that he’d kept to himself. Only after Chasin and Jameson had spoken with him did Holden understand how deep Paul’s hatred and jealousy ran. He knew the guy didn’t like him, even knew he had a thing for Charleigh. But he never thought Paul was so manipulative he’d take advantage of Charleigh.
It seemed Holden had been wrong about a lot of things.
The little girl’s eyes shot open and Holden’s gaze collided with hers. It wasn’t the first time he’d taken in Faith’s appearance, not even the first time he’d felt relief she didn’t look anything like her father. She was a carbon copy of Charleigh. Only, not as outgoing. Faith was more stoic, like he’d been as a child. But there was something different about this moment. Holden fought back a shiver as Faith stared at him. Assessing, evaluating, judging. He held perfectly still and waited to see if he measured up. The girl was no dummy; she sensed more than Holden wanted her to. In the rare times he’d been around her, she’d always kept her distance. During those times, he’d been grateful Faith hadn’t been friendly with him. Hadn’t wanted to get close or talk to him like she did the others. Now, the thought made him sick. He hated he’d given her reason to be leery around him.
Holden knew he’d never deserve the child’s friendship or Charleigh’s forgiveness, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try. He’d worm his way into their lives, fall to his knees and beg, lay himself bare and tell Charleigh everything. He couldn’t live another day without Charleigh knowing the whole truth.
Faith gave Holden a lopsided smile that made his heart constrict and she nodded her head as if she approved of his silent musings. He immediately returned her grin and watched as she nuzzled her mother’s chest. The sight took his breath. Leigh-Leigh and Faith. Mother and daughter. Their love was beautiful—perfect. And he wondered if there was room for him in their circle. Could he fix everything he’d broken? Could he earn a place in their hearts? Did he have that right, or should he settle on friendship? The thought of being nothing more than a friendly “uncle” now felt abhorrent. He wanted to be more.
“Morning, pretty girl.” Charleigh’s sleepy voice filled the room and hit Holden square in the chest.
He hadn’t heard that raspy voice in so long he’d almost forgotten how sexy she sounded first thing in the morning. Only, she’d greeted him with a “Morning, handsome” and the words were normally accompanied by her hand stroking his chest. Charleigh was a maximum contact sleeper; when they were in bed she was always touching him. Hell, even when they were out of bed she liked to be close. Something that Holden loved. Wherever they were, there was no mistaking she was his. And he proudly claimed her. Charlotte Axelson was downright beautiful, but it wasn’t her beauty that had drawn him to her, it wasn’t even her beaming smile. It was simply her. She was beyond explanation—call it her aura, her spirit, her energy, or whatever New Age description, but there was something about Charleigh that drew you into her atmosphere, and once you were there you hoped to God you never fell from it.
He’d been perfectly enthralled until he realized he couldn’t give her the life she wanted. He couldn’t give her a family without heartache and disappointment. If he’d stayed with her, she wouldn’t have a perfect daughter who looked just like her. One she nurtured and grew in her womb. She would’ve never experienced childbirth. Instead, any children they had would’ve come with lawyers, paperwork, social workers, and heartbreak.
What if she wanted more children?
Jesus, the very thought made him break out into a cold sweat. Nothing had changed. Not that he’d been back to a doctor since he’d received the crushing news he’d never be a father, but he still couldn’t give her what Paul had.
Faith mumbled something unintelligible just as the door slowly opened and a nurse appeared.
“Good, you’re awake. My name is Anne and I’ll be taking care of you this morning.” Anne’s gaze went to Faith’s and her smile brightened. “I heard we had a special little angel on the floor this mornin’ takin’ care of her momma. But no one told me how pretty she was.” Faith snuggled closer to Charleigh and sheepishly looked at the nurse. “Would you mind sitting with your daddy for a few minutes so I can check your momma over?”
“Oh, he’s not her father,” Charleigh corrected.
Anne’s face turned a light shade of red and her eyes went wide. “My apologies. They look so much alike, I just assumed.”
“Um…he’s a…” Charleigh stammered but said nothing more.
“It’s fine,” Holden cut in. “Faith, doll, you okay sitting with me while Nurse Anne checks your mom over?”
Wordlessly, Faith nodded and got off the bed. Holden held his breath, waiting to see what Faith would do. When she walked right to him and climbed
onto his lap, his lungs started to burn. Christ, why does that feel so good? There was no hesitation from Faith but Charleigh’s eyes immediately narrowed as she took them in.
Holden lost Charleigh’s attention when the nurse started asking her questions about pain level and dizziness. He stopped paying attention to the nurse when Faith tapped his cheek.
“I’m hungry.”
His eyes lowered and he took in the little girl. Did she look like him? He’d never thought so, but then he never wanted to look too closely, instead choosing to believe she was a mini-Charleigh. But now that she was close and he could see the light flecks of brown in her eyes, flecks that he saw every time he looked in the mirror, he wondered. As impossible as it was, he couldn’t stop himself from scanning Faith’s face for any hint of himself. It was futile, and in the end, it would only cause Holden extreme pain, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d wished—hell, he’d prayed for years—that by some miracle she’d been his.
Praying, wishing, and hoping was pointless and it led to nowhere.
“As soon as your mom’s done with her checkup, I’ll get you something.”
“Pancakes?”
Holden smiled.
“Is that what you want?”
Faith nodded and continued with her breakfast order. “With syrup. And bacon, too.” There was a pause, then she snapped her eyes back to his and quickly added. “Please.”
“Sure thing, doll. Pancakes and bacon it is.”
There was another moment of silence and once again Holden felt like he was under heavy scrutiny. The little girl had an uncanny way of making him want to fidget. No one made Holden uncomfortable, but then not many people had the balls to stare him down. Faith did. Which was a weird thing to say about a child, but it was true nonetheless. Like Charleigh, Faith seemed to have an iron constitution.
“You need something, darlin’?”
“You forgot the syrup.”
Holden couldn’t hold back his roar of laughter. “Right. The syrup.”
“You have the same dimple I have when you smile.” Faith’s head tilted as she stared at Holden’s cheek.
He didn’t have a dimple per se, but he did have a small indent, so slight people often overlooked it. Not this little girl, though.
“See?” Faith continued, and tipped her lips up into a toothy smile.
It was there, ever so slight, the same as his.
A dangerous emotion clogged his throat, making his nose sting. He didn’t want to admit it felt a hell of a lot like a possibility, when there was none. But he couldn’t deny it when wishful thinking filled his chest. Then came the excruciating letdown, the knowledge that no matter how many similarities he made up, Faith wasn’t his. It wasn’t genetics that she had flecks of gold in her eyes or an indentation in her cheek, it was simply a coincidence. A lot of people had specks in their irises and dimples in their cheeks.
“You sure do,” he croaked out.
He was saved from further study when the nurse announced she was done and the doctor would be in soon to talk to Charleigh about discharging her.
Unfortunately, that meant while Holden was no longer under Faith’s examination, Charleigh had turned her critical consideration his way.
Mother and daughter had the fault-finding glare down to a science.
“I’m not sure they have pancakes in the hospital cafeteria, sweets,” Charleigh said and arched an eyebrow Holden’s way.
“They don’t have a cafeteria in this hospital, period,” Holden returned. “What do you want for breakfast, Leigh-Leigh?”
Tiny creases appeared on Charleigh’s forehead, warning him she was irritated. But before she could tell him in a kid-friendly version to go fuck himself, Faith spoke.
“Leigh-Leigh? Grandmother and Grandfather call her Charlotte. But she hates it when people call her that. Everyone else calls her Charleigh.”
“I know.”
“You do?” Faith’s nose scrunched, and for a millisecond, Holden thought about holding his tongue. Then he decided he didn’t want to. He wanted Faith to know how well he knew her mother.
“I do. I’ve known your mom a long time.”
“I know that. You’ve been to our house in Virginia.”
“Yup. But I knew your mom before you were born.”
“You knew my dad.”
It was a statement. Of course, Faith knew Holden knew Paul, but it was still a dagger to his heart. A stabbing, piercing pain that had him rethinking his plan to get close to the duo.
Fucking Christ. He couldn’t do it. He thought he could, but he hadn’t taken into consideration that Faith might have questions about her dad. None of the guys had ever mentioned if Faith had talked about Paul—not that they would. Faith and Charleigh had been a no-go topic.
Holden swallowed down the sour taste and answered. “I did.”
“I never met him.”
He heard a choking sound coming from Charleigh but didn’t dare look away from Faith.
“I know you didn’t, doll. And I’m sorry you never had the chance.”
“Grandfather says you can’t miss something you never had.”
Sweet Jesus, Charleigh’s dad is a dick.
“That’s not true. I’m sure you miss your dad.”
Faith squirmed uncomfortably. He wasn’t sure what that meant but he did know he didn’t want to discuss Paul. At least, not until he figured out a way to lock his hatred for the man down so Faith would never know what a douche the guy had been.
Shit. He shouldn’t have even been thinking that while Faith was on his lap.
What was wrong with him?
The man was dead and gone.
Years had passed but Holden still couldn’t forgive Paul for what he’d done. Especially what he’d done to Charleigh.
Not knowing what else to say, Holden’s gaze slid to Charleigh. She stared back at him with a look that said help me—or maybe it said go to hell. Whatever the message, the tears brimming in her eyes were Holden’s undoing.
In an effort to move the conversation along, he rewound to breakfast.
“Are you ready for pancakes, syrup, and sausage?”
“Bacon,” Faith corrected.
“Oh, right, bacon.”
Holden winked and Faith was back to smiling.
“Leigh-Leigh?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Faith leaned in close to Holden. In a horrible attempt at a whisper, she announced, “Mom’s grouchy before coffee.”
“She is,” he readily agreed.
So many memories assaulted him; bringing Charleigh coffee in bed; watching her shuffle into the kitchen, her hair disheveled but never looking so beautiful, wearing a deep frown until she saw coffee was made; Leigh-Leigh kissing him sweetly when he made her a mug just the way she liked it.
Holden could recall everything about Charleigh. Every single little detail. From her favorites, to the freckles on her stomach, to the places she loved to be touched.
“How about we get her some?”
Faith nodded and smiled. Without delay, Holden grabbed his phone off the roll-table that was covered in Faith’s medical records from the night before and dialed Nixon.
“Everything good?” Nix’s tired voice came over the line and Holden internally frowned.
Damn. It was still early and his friend hadn’t left the hospital until late.
“Yeah, sorry, brother, I should’ve checked the time. Go back to sleep—”
“I’m up. What do you need?”
Not for the first time, or even the hundredth, Holden thought about how lucky he was to have such good friends.
“Faith’s up and hungry. I don’t want to leave. Would you mind picking up pancakes and bacon and don’t forget the syrup?”
“Yup. What else?”
“Two extra-large coffees. One black, one with about two inches of creamer and five sugars. A toasted everything bagel with extra cream cheese. Oh, and an orange juice.”
“Got it. I’ll swi
ng by Sam’s then be in. We need to talk about where Charleigh and Faith will be staying.”
Shit. Goddamn. Holden had forgotten about that. Charleigh would be released today and there was no way in hell they were going back to that apartment. But Holden’s Airstream was barely big enough for him.
“I’ll make some calls.”
“No need,” Nix told him. “Genevieve already made arrangements. Her uncle’s house is available. The security there isn’t great but they won’t be walking into the scene of the crime, so to speak. And with the Towlers and that dickweed behind bars, I don’t think they’re in any danger. It’s yours for as long as you need it.”
He owed Genevieve huge.
“That’s perfect. Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me. Evie’s been running around with Bobby getting the kitchen stocked and making sure the place is set up. She even went to Charleigh’s and packed clothes for both of them. McKenna says Evie’s pulling out all the stops to make sure they’re comfortable.”
That wasn’t surprising—even though Charleigh wasn’t Genevieve’s favorite person, she was kind and thoughtful. Holden scratched a call to his friend onto his mental to-do list. A call that would include explaining some things to Evie, key points he’d left out of the story that he didn’t want her to know—but it was time to come clean.
“I’m sure I’ll see her at some point today.”
“Bet on it. She’s…feeling guilty for giving Charleigh the cold shoulder. Especially after Bobby talked to her at Christmas. I guess the last vestiges of her grudge wore off yesterday. She feels like shit.”
So it seemed Bobby had shared.
Fuck.
“She shouldn’t, but I’ll talk to her.”
“Right. See you in thirty.”
Holden disconnected and Faith looked up at him. “How’d you know that an everything bagel is Mom’s favorite?”
Because I’ve toasted them for her hundreds of times.
“Told you. I’ve known your mom a long time. I know she loves extra cheese on her pizza but she doesn’t like cheese on her hamburgers. She loves baked potatoes but hates potato salad and only likes fries from McDonald's. She’s not a fan of eating in the morning but she loves bagels and her favorite meal of the day is lunch.”
Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6) Page 11