“We?”
“Yes, we.”
Those narrowed eyes turned to slits and she shook her head. “You are not staying with us.”
“I am. I promised Faith I wasn’t leaving. Besides, look around, this place is huge. There are five bedrooms. Evie stocked it with enough food for a month.”
Something passed over Charleigh’s features. Her shoulders snapped back, and a look of defiance took over.
“We’ll go stay with Jameson and Kennedy.”
What the fuck?
“You’ll go stay with Jameson?”
“Kennedy,” she corrected. “She won’t mind and Faith will be comfortable there.”
Holden’s eyes sliced to the little girl who was still dancing around the room, then looked back to Charleigh.
“She looks pretty damn comfortable here.”
“Well, I’m not.”
The little girl danced over to them. “Can I go upstairs and pick out my room?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Charleigh made a grunting sound and Holden chose to ignore it.
“After you pick your room, I’ll take you up to the roof,” Holden told Faith.
“The roof?”
“Yep. There’s a widow’s walk.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s like a deck but on the roof. You can see all around Cliff City from up there.”
“This place is awesome. I wanna live here forever.”
Holden shot Charleigh a smile and she returned a scathing glare.
At least he had Faith on his side.
Nine hours later, Holden sat in the kitchen. Since Charleigh had taken Faith upstairs to go to sleep, the house had been too quiet. Normally, he reveled in silence and preferred to be alone. But the house was too big, too quiet, too lonely with Faith and Charleigh moving around. Without Faith’s constant chatter.
Not much had changed in the hours they’d been there. Faith had excitedly checked out every room. Charleigh had followed behind her daughter, disgruntled. Holden had taken Faith down to the dock, but without being able to get in the water there wasn’t much to do out there. Then he’d made them dinner, and throughout their meal, the only conversation had come from the eight-year-old. She’d told Holden all sorts of stuff—from her new school, the friends she’d made, the teacher she didn’t like, her favorite subjects. When she’d exhausted all things school-related she’d moved on to wanting to play softball in the spring. Charleigh had remained noncommittal about Faith playing, and only spoke when Faith had asked her a question.
Charleigh’s wariness was back in full force and Holden was second-guessing his decision to push his way into their lives. He wanted in—that had not changed—but he’d begun to wonder if he was causing more harm than good. He hadn’t given her an option when they’d left the hospital. He hadn’t asked if she was okay with him staying—mainly because he knew she wasn’t but he hadn’t thought she’d retreat into herself.
All of his friends were married. They had homes and wives to take care of, but he knew if he asked, one or all of them would come over and stay with Charleigh and Faith. Of course, there was Jonny; he was single and a cop so maybe she’d feel more comfortable with him staying. The thought rankled. Holden didn’t want anyone but him watching over the girls. He didn’t want any of his brothers getting closer to Faith. Nor did he want to give Charleigh more time to dig a deeper channel between them. It was deep enough as it was and so wide the bridge he needed to build would be difficult.
The truth will set you free.
Christ, he wished that was true. Unfortunately, the truth would just hurt her more.
Holden heard her footfalls before he saw her.
When she stepped into the dimly lit kitchen, his breath arrested.
Fucking hell.
Charleigh stopped and stared at him from across the room. Neither said a word as each assessed the other. She looked so damn beautiful. And suddenly Holden was transported back ten years. A bevy of memories assaulted him. How many times had he watched her putzing around their apartment looking exactly like she did right then? Contacts out, glasses on, hair pulled up in a messy knot on top of her head, oversized tee on, and though he couldn’t see them he knew she’d be wearing cotton sleep shorts. Even when it was cold—not that Virginia ever got as cold as it did in Maryland—she always slept in a tee and shorts or nothing at all. If she got cold in the middle of the night, she’d tangle her legs with his and burrow close.
Who had kept Charleigh warm in his absence? Who had she welcomed into her bed? Homicidal rage thrummed through his veins at the very thought of another man touching her. And wasn’t that fucked-up, considering he’d been with other women? Though for him those women meant nothing. They were a warm body and nothing more. That was not Charleigh. Paul notwithstanding, she was not a one-night-stand type of woman—and she’d married the motherfucker, so she really wasn’t the type of woman to sleep with a man and walk away. Which meant anyone she’d had in the years between meant she’d cared for them, maybe even loved them. Had they met Faith? Did the little girl talk to them about school? Did they make her pancakes in the morning? The urge to ask Charleigh for a list of the men she’d been with so he could track them down and kick their asses was strong. The need to erase both of their pasts hit him hard.
“We need to talk.” Charleigh broke the silence.
He whole-heartedly agreed but was having a hard time vocalizing his agreement. He was too angry to speak. Royally pissed at himself for what he’d done, seriously fucking pissed at Paul, mad at the universe for taking away his ability to give his woman what she wanted, and now he was irate at the thought of her sharing her bed with some bastard.
“Holden?” she snapped.
He cleared his throat and nodded.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Me and Faith are leaving in the morning and going to Kennedy’s.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? You don’t have a say.”
“I sure as fuck do.”
Charleigh’s features turned to stone and she stomped farther into the room.
“No, Holden, you don’t. You have no say. And this shit you pulled bringing us here…no, let’s back up, the shit you pulled playing nice with Faith was unbelievably uncool. But you making my daughter promises you’re not going to keep is beyond fucked. You wanna jack me around, fine, go ahead. I know you think I deserve it after what I did to you, but don’t you dare bring my child into your games.”
There was no missing Charleigh’s righteous indignation, but it was unwarranted and it was high time they got a few things straight.
“I’m not playing games,” he started and stood, “and I’m not jacking you around.”
Pain washed over her pretty face. He fought the need to go to her and pull her into his arms. He figured he had one shot at getting this right, one chance to start to heal the breach he’d created, and touching her would only fuel her outrage.
“You’ve made it clear you hate me,” Charleigh said with a hitch in her voice. “Painfully clear, Holden. I moved here…never mind why I came—”
“I know why you moved here, Leigh-Leigh,” he cut her off. “And I don’t hate you.” Holden stepped around the table. His heart was hammering in his chest. It was time to come clean. Time to put all his cards on the table and stop hiding like a pussy.
“Could’ve fooled me,” she mumbled.
“I tried,” he admitted. “I tried so fucking hard to hate you.” Charleigh paled and stepped back and he knew before he was done he was going to wreck her if that one small admission made her look like he’d sucker-punched her. “You wanna know why I went to your wedding? Because I thought watching you vow your life to another man would make me stop loving you. I thought that when I heard you say the words to Paul I desperately wanted you to say to me, I would finally hate your guts. But it didn’t work. I hated that prick with everything I am but I couldn’t stop l
oving you. I went to two barbeques at your house for the same reason. I thought seeing you with him would help me get over you. Seeing you pregnant with his child would finally kill what I felt for you. It killed all right, it killed so fucking bad, I broke. He had everything I loved. He had you and his baby and the life I wanted with you. He had everything and I had not a goddamn single thing that was worth a damn.” Holden stopped and tried to gather his composure, but now that the words were flowing he couldn’t stop them.
Good or bad, he had to get them out—purge the poison that had been eating at his innards for so long he couldn’t remember what it was like to breathe clean. Before he could process the look on Charleigh’s face, more poured out of him.
“He got you. He won. He had the world in his bed and what did he do? Fucked every available piece of pussy he could find, and he did it in front of me. He rubbed my nose in it and taunted me. A silent dare for me to go to you and rat him out so he could deny it and make me look like a crazy fool. You were at home with his kid in your stomach and he was getting blowjobs in his truck. Stupid motherfucker. And if that shit isn’t whacked enough, the prick had to go and die. His last words on this earth were him giving you back to me. He had the balls to ask me to take care of his wife and child. His, Leigh-Leigh. His wife. The woman I loved more than my own life belonged to another man. I will go to my grave hating that fucker and loving you. For years, I tried everything I could to stop thinking about you, stop loving you, stop my body from craving you, stop my hands from remembering the way your skin felt.
“Nothing worked. Not women, not alcohol, not seclusion, nothing could make me hate you. And straight up, baby, I tried. I wanted to so badly. I tried hard. I blamed you, Faith, Paul, God, anyone and anything I could, but the truth is, all of it is my fault. I did this to us. I walked away when I should’ve stayed and talked to you. So, no, this isn’t a fucking game, woman. I’m not jacking you around or making promises to Faith I don’t intend to keep. This is me fighting for what should’ve always been ours.”
When Holden was done, his chest heaved like he’d run fifteen miles in the sand but it was the tears streaming down Charleigh’s cheeks that left him breathless. He’d been so caught up in his furious attempt to clear his conscience, he hadn’t stopped to think about the blows he was delivering.
Fuck.
“Leigh-Leigh—”
“I knew,” she snickered. “I knew he was stepping out on me—like you said, he didn’t hide it. Though I didn’t hide I was in love with a man who was not my husband. I couldn’t stop myself from lying in my marital bed and crying. I was married to a man I barely knew, was in love with you, and I was pregnant with a child I wanted to be yours. You think I care he was getting blow jobs in his truck? You think I care he was out carousing? From the day I married him I was emotionally cheating on him with you. And not that it’s any of your goddamned business, but I don’t blame him.”
What the hell?
“He told you he was fucking around and you didn’t care?” Holden asked in utter shock.
What woman didn’t care her husband was cheating on her?
“He didn’t have to tell me. I didn’t miss the perfume, the lipstick, the scratch marks on his back. You think he was taunting you? You’re wrong. That was him punishing me. He had a woman in his bed who loved another man and wouldn’t go there with him. So he’d go out and find it elsewhere, then the next day make sure he was up and walking around shirtless before I left for work so I could see the evidence of his cheating. I never said a word, so he did it more and more. Hickeys, bite marks, you name it. It didn’t faze me because all I was thinking about was you and who you were with.”
Holden’s world tilted. All the fucked-up things Paul had done to Charleigh flitted from his head until his thoughts zeroed in on one thing—she wouldn’t go there with him. What the hell did that mean?
“You wouldn’t go there with him?”
Charleigh reared back and shook her head.
“None of that matters. Faith and I are going to—”
“It matters a helluva lot. Are you telling me that you never fucked that asshole?”
“Obviously I did, Holden, the evidence of that encounter is sleeping upstairs,” she sneered.
A deep growl emanated from his soul, the sound so feral, Charleigh took a giant step back as Holden advanced.
“You know what I’m asking, baby.”
“That’s none of your business.”
Something ugly started to blossom in his chest. An ugly, selfish happiness he should’ve been ashamed to feel, yet he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything but warmth at the knowledge. Holden didn’t need her to admit it, but he still wanted to hear the words come out of her mouth.
“Tell me, Leigh-Leigh, did you marry that prick then keep yourself from him? You said marital bed, so I assume you slept next to him. So you shared a bed but not your body?”
They were standing close, so close Holden could smell the faint scent of her lotion, so close all he had to do was lean in a few inches and he could take her mouth. Yet, he controlled his urges and stayed perfectly still. She, however, didn’t. Her hands were shaking, her chest was rising and falling, and her lips were trembling.
“You’re an asshole,” she whispered. “I see that makes you happy. That I married him but never consummated my vows. That I slept next to him but cried over you. Yeah, I can see how that’d make a dick like you happy. Does it make you feel good to know that he held me on our wedding night while I mourned the loss of you? My face was buried in his neck, his arms were around me, and I cried all night long.”
Holden ignored the vision of Paul holding Charleigh. Further, he tried and failed to stop his hands from reaching out and cradling her face. His palms were met with wetness. She tried to pull away but he held her still.
“I am a dick,” he admitted. “A Grade A asshole. But not one thing you’ve said makes me feel good. I haven’t felt good since the night before I rolled out of our bed and left you. I haven’t felt alive, I haven’t felt happy, I haven’t felt anything but anger and pain.”
“Why’d you leave me?”
Charleigh’s question turned Holden into a ball of remorse.
“I told you why,” he deflected, not wanting to talk about anymore of his failures.
“No, you didn’t. You gave me some excuse.”
“Excuse?”
“Yes, Holden, an excuse. So why’d you really leave me?”
His hands dropped from her face and he stepped back.
“Right,” she snickered. “You’re quick to talk about all things me and Paul, but when we get down to you and the real reason you left me, you close down. Wanna know what I think? I think you left me because you didn’t love me, and when I started talking about our future you got cold feet so you bolted.”
Anger flashed and Holden lashed out. “Right. That’s why I couldn’t let you go and kept coming back trying to sort my head.”
“No, you came back to fuck me. Tell the truth. For once tell the goddamn truth, Holden. Stop being such a coward and come clean. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. I gave you everything, you owe me. Put me out of my misery and—”
“I was scared!” he shouted. “I was paralyzed with fear that once you found out I couldn’t have kids, you’d leave me. Or worse—you’d stay, then you’d resent me for not giving you a family. So I left you before you could leave me. I left so you could find a real man. I didn’t come home to you to fuck you, I came home because I couldn’t breathe without you. I came home because I was so lost I didn’t know where to turn. I love you so damn much I can’t—”
“You stupid, stupid, dumb man.” Charleigh’s pain-filled whisper stopped Holden’s rant. “You ruined us for no reason. You destroyed my life for nothing.”
“Baby, please, try to understand.” Holden paused and wracked his brain for what he wanted her to understand.
Why he’d been scared.
Why he’d
been a spineless prick.
Why he’d run from the best thing that ever happened to him.
“You selfishly, singlehandedly demolished me. And the worst part is, if you would’ve told me, if you would’ve asked, I would’ve told you that you were enough. We were enough. If all I ever had was you, I would’ve been happy. But you didn’t give me that. You didn’t give me the choice. You took control and left me powerless.”
“Baby, you wanted kids. You told me you did. That night, you were going on and on about all the places we’d go, all the adventures we’d have. I couldn’t give you that.”
Her tear-streaked face tilted up and sorrow-filled brown eyes met his.
“You mean you can’t give me that.”
The verbal sucker-punch left Holden without oxygen. There it was—he still wasn’t good enough, he was still half a man, he still couldn’t give her what she wanted.
Nothing had changed.
Charleigh would always be lost to him.
He felt it the moment it happened—all hope drained out of him and the shutters slammed shut.
He had no choice but to let the woman he loved go.
19
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing even though it was the second time Holden had told me why he left me. The first time left me reeling, wondering at the possibility that the man I loved would really leave me over something…hell, I didn’t know what to call it.
Insignificant? Though I could understand how it would be crushing to him, it didn’t mean the end for us.
Small? Although it was a big deal not being able to have children.
Selfish. Yeah, that was what I was looking for. Selfish as fuck. He took himself away from me instead of letting me be there for him. He left me instead of staying and allowing me to prove to him I loved him no matter what.
This time, hearing him say it was downright devastating. On top of everything, he knew about what Paul was doing, which was salt in the wound. It finally hit me, how little he’d trusted me.
Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6) Page 13