“How do you know I’ll love it? You hardly know me. I can’t climb that thing.”
“I know you’re a girl who spends her nights wandering lonely roads alone and bewitching horses. I know you are brave enough to walk through fire to save someone you hardly know. I know you love books about adventures and that you are kind to old ladies when you don’t have to be. You smell of wildflowers, and even when there is nothing but anger and rage in my heart, when I am around you I become calm. I think I know you very well and I know you are too brave to turn away from a real adventure when you are offered one.”
I laughed and blushed. My fear melted away in the face of so many compliments. “You think much too highly of me. I’m just an average girl and I’ve never climbed anything in my life. What if I fall?”
“I’ll catch you.”
“You have a sprained ankle. What if you fall?”
“You will have to catch me.”
So, I followed him up the tower. I clung to the metal handrail and walked gingerly up the rotting steps, hoping that our combined weight wouldn’t cause the stairway to crumble. When we got to the top, Edward opened the hatch to the wooden hut and we climbed in. Inside, the hut was filled with things that spoke of childhood. There were little plastic soldiers on the window sills and an old puzzle was spread out on a wooden table. Old blankets were tangled with cobwebs in the corners.
I walked over to the window and looked through the cobwebs and dust at a view that, literally, took my breath away. Tears filled my eyes. I had never imagined I would ever see this kind of beauty in my life. I could see for miles. The entire valley, in all its wonder, lay at my feet. Everything was green and beautiful. A breathtaking landscape that only Mother Nature could paint.
“Thank you,” I said.
“I used to ride up here on Bella when I was a kid. This was my favorite place in the world.”
“Why did you bring me here?”
“Because you saved my life and because I like you.”
He stood behind me. He was so close I could almost feel him. Part of me wanted to be brave. Part of me wanted to turn around and pull him to me and kiss him like I imagined Helen kissed Jake. But I wasn’t like Helen, so I walked away from him. I walked to the other window and looked out at the setting sun.
“We should go,” I said. “It’s getting late.”
We rode back in complete silence. The sun set and the stars came out. The moon illuminated our path, but I didn’t think the light was even necessary. The horses knew the way back to the stables so well they could have made the trip in their sleep. James came out to greet us when we arrived at the stables. Edward helped me off my horse and then he wandered back to Thornfield Hall alone. There was no invitation for me to come with him. He didn’t invite me to eat dinner with him and Miss Adele that night. There were so many servants everyone decided to find their own meal and I was left to eat a sandwich alone in my room and wonder at my time spent with Edward. Why had he been so nice to me and then left me to walk back to the house alone? I don’t think I would ever understand guys. Especially complicated guys like Edward.
Chapter 12
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all of its contents.
~ H.P. Lovecraft
I COULDN’T SLEEP AGAIN THAT night. I had so much on my mind I could barely lie still. I tried not to think about Edward, but whenever I stopped thinking about him I got nervous about my upcoming Calculus test on Monday and then I would try not to think about that and I would find myself thinking about Edward, again. The house was quiet. All the staff had gone for the night. It was just the three of us. And since I couldn’t sleep, I got out of bed and wandered back to the tower room.
I climbed the winding staircase and picked up the old journal I’d dropped the night before. I sat on the bed and flipped through the pages. Whoever had put the journal together was more of an artist than a writer. It was filled with sketches. Most of them were of Edward. I found myself lingering over those pages the longest. I studied the shape of his nose and curve of his neck. The other drawings were of different places in Thornfield Hall. Whoever had drawn the pictures was a girl. I knew it. She drew the mansion, itself, and the gardens. There was even a picture of old Bella and Mrs. Fairfax. I found some photographs stuffed in the back of the sketchbook. I looked at the first one. It was a picture of a little girl sitting in an old rocking chair. The girl seemed mad. I moved to the next photograph. It was of a family. There were two angry looking parents and one sad little boy. This family made my childhood look happy and joyful. I had never seen a more miserable looking family photograph.
I flipped to the next photograph and it almost slipped from my fingers. I almost cried out in shock. It was a photograph of Edward and a beautiful girl. He looked so young in the photograph, it seemed almost criminal that he should have been dating. He couldn’t have been more than fifteen or sixteen. He was smiling. He looked happy. I hadn’t seen him look so happy. The girl next to him looked happy, too. She was also young and so pretty it hurt to look at her. She was a flower. She was a rose. Her hair was bright red and long. Her fair skin looked like ivory in her white gown. Her green eyes were like the grass on a summer day. She looked like a doll. The kind of doll that I had always wanted when I was a kid, but could never afford to have. I felt a pang of what I knew was jealousy. He had dated a great beauty. He had been so happy then. I knew that his parents had died when he was young, but what had happened to this girl? I tried to suppress thoughts of the horrible story the boy at the party had told me. I wouldn’t believe Edward cut her up and set her on fire. But was she still around? Had she died, too, or did she break his heart and leave? How hard it must be to lose someone you love and only have your memories of them. Were those memories a comfort or a burden? I couldn’t remember my own parents. They dumped me at the hospital when I was only four years old. But I had my own burden that I literally carried on my back. The tattoo that reminded me of where I’d come from and what kind of people my parents had been.
I slipped the journal into my pocket and wandered back downstairs. I was feeling quite depressed and didn’t really think I was going to be able to sleep at all. I decided to visit the library and do some reading when I found Miss Adele standing in the middle of the hall, again.
She was looking out into the darkness of the hallway. I stood beside her and tried to make out what she was seeing, but there was clearly nothing there. I put my hand on her shoulder. She was shaking. There were tears in her eyes.
“I thought if he came back, he could forgive me. He could forgive us, but he never will. He’ll never forgive us. He hates us.” She wept.
“No one hates you, Miss Adele,” I said reassuringly. “Who could possibly hate you?”
“Edward hates me. He hates us, but it wasn’t our fault. It was the curse. It was the curse. We had to do it. We had to do it, or we would lose everything.” Miss Adele was muttering. Tears streamed down her face.
I ran back to my room and got Miss Adele’s valium and walked her carefully back to her room. I helped her into her bed and crushed the valium up into a cup of tea I’d brewed with the electric kettle on her dresser. She sat on her bed sobbing. I handed Miss Adele her tea and she drank it without question. It was green tea and it smelled of honey and jasmine. The aroma filled the room and surrounded Miss Adele. Slowly, her tears faded and she looked up at me with eyes thick with sleep.
“Be careful,” she whispered to me. “You won’t be the first girl to die for loving him. This family is cursed.”
“There are no curses,” I said as I stroked her hair. “There are no ghosts. Edward loves you. He came back to see you.”
“He only came back because he had to. He only came back because of his duty. Don’t you see? It will all crumble and burn if he doesn’t do his duty.”
Her eyelids grew heavy. The tea w
rapped her in its valium-saturated arms and pulled her down. I tucked the covers up to her chin and wiped the tears from her eyes. The teacup was still warm. I looked at the tea leaves in the bottom of the cup. They had clumped together to form a kind of phantom face in the white china. I swirled the tea and the face vanished. Miss Adele snored and I put the cup down beside her.
I finally felt sleep calling to me, so I went back to my room instead of heading down to the library. I hoped that there wouldn’t be any more phantom laughter to keep me up at night.
Chapter 13
We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of the infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
~ H.P. Lovecraft
HELEN WAS WAITING FOR ME in the library of Thornfield Hall Monday morning. I had kept to myself all day Sunday, staying in my room studying for my test. I had only ventured out to the kitchen to grab something to eat when I was hungry and then to sit with Miss Adele until she fell asleep. Luckily, she’d slept through the night. I didn’t cross paths with Edward again. He must have been avoiding me, too, because he didn’t send a maid to invite me to eat with them or go riding. It didn’t matter because I had to focus on my upcoming Calculus test.
Helen was all smiles when I stepped into the library. Her hair had changed color, again. It was a bright magenta. She was wearing skinny purple jeans with a glittery stripe down the side seam and a purple tank top that looked like lingerie. No one could dress like Helen and get away with it. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me when she saw me.
“I thought you were going crazy,” Helen said as she led me out of the library. “But it all makes sense now.”
I knew I was in trouble. Whenever Helen said that things made sense, I was in trouble. “What makes sense?”
“I know why you only go to class and spend all your free time here. He’s smoking hot. I saw him in his study. I was wondering why you hadn’t climbed out the window of this place and why you hadn’t texted me, but I don’t blame you at all. That is the best-looking guy I have ever seen. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“No!” I protested. “That isn’t it at all. He just got here a couple of days ago and he’s way too old for me and he isn’t my type. He’s moody and rude and kind of stuck up, to be honest.”
“Oh my God!” Helen exclaimed. “You’re falling for him! And he isn’t too old for you. He looks like he’s nineteen. That’s only three years older than you.”
“I’m not falling for him. I hardly know him.” I stopped and looked at Helen. “He is nineteen and that is too old for me. I’m only sixteen. Either way, I don’t have time to date. I have more important things to worry about.”
Helen smiled a knowing grin. “Oh, stop! He is not too old for you. And I can tell how you feel about him. It’s written all over your face.”
I shook my head in protestation. “It doesn’t matter if he’s exactly my age or even six months younger. Guys like Edward aren’t interested in girls like me and I have more important things to worry about. He’s clearly got issues and I don’t like to get involved in other people’s issues.”
Helen laughed. “You don’t like to get involved in other people’s issues? I love you like my sister, and part of the reason I love you is because you’ve been there for me, holding my hand through all my crazy issues. I’m a bag full of cats of crazy issues, and you know it. And I’m the only friend you have. You love getting involved in other people’s issues. You want to be a doctor, for God’s sake!”
I laughed. “Okay. So maybe you’re right, but guys like that still don’t want to have anything to do with girls like me.”
Helen threw up her arms in frustration. “We have got to do something about your self-esteem problem. You’re not a troll. You’re different looking. And you’re beautiful. You need to stop dressing like a bag lady and put on some make-up so everyone can see how uniquely beautiful you are.
I shook my head. “I’m not a troll, but maybe I’m some kind of lesser goblin.” Helen rolled her eyes at me. “I’ve certainly never attracted attention from guys I actually liked. I only attract guys like James. I think he’s half-troll and that is probably why he likes me. The only reason Edward talks to me is because I saved his life.”
Helen laughed. “When you’re all grown up you’re going to be stunning and every guy you meet will fall at your feet. Trust me. And what are you talking about? You saved Edward’s life?”
“He caught on fire.”
“What?! When?! You’ve got to tell me everything.”
I began telling Helen what had happened since I’d arrived. I let everything flow out of me like a river. I told her all the details. I told her about the fire that almost killed Edward and our magical ride to the fire tower. I even talked about the weird laughter that filled the house at night and Miss Adele’s nocturnal wanderings. By the time I was done with my story, it was time for me to leave for class and Helen was looking at me as if she was mesmerized.
“He’s in love with you, too,” she said.
“We should walk to school together,” I said, ignoring her comment.
“I can’t,” Helen answered with a strange half smile.
“Why not?”
“Just get your books and I’ll explain when you get back.”
I went up to my room, grabbed my things, but when I returned to the library Helen was gone. I sighed and made my way to class. Helen did that sometimes, showed up and then split on me. Sometimes I thought she might be embarrassed to be seen with me. She was cool and I was not. I didn’t even know if it was cool to say cool anymore. I wondered what she’d wanted to tell me and why she’d disappeared. I hadn’t seen her on campus since school started and we didn’t have any classes together. I wondered if she’d ended up getting a job and decided to put school on hold. After all, she was living with her boyfriend. Maybe they were having too much fun living together and working and didn’t feel like going to school? Helen had always been a mystery to me, but I loved her. She was like family. Not by blood, but by love.
Chapter 14
There is beauty in everything. Even in the silence and the darkness.
~ Helen Keller
I HAD TROUBLE CONCENTRATING THAT day. My mind kept wandering, jumping from Edward to Miss Adele to Helen. I maintained my focus well enough to ace my Calculus test, but I kept drifting away in Genetics. I quietly chastised myself for my silly thoughts, especially regarding Edward, so I went to the university library after class to study. I had cleared my mind almost entirely by the time I left to walk home.
By the time I returned to Thornfield, I was feeling better, more clear-headed. Overall, I was doing really well in my first semester and I was determined to graduate early and get my professional life off to a great start. I walked into the study and found Edward reading there. He was sitting behind the huge mahogany desk and looked beautiful with his nose in a book. His dark hair was kind of mussed like he’d been running his fingers through it while he was reading. He was dressed casually, in faded jeans and a Doctor Who t-shirt. Helen was right, he was probably only about nineteen. Helen’s words had encouraged me to do something I wouldn’t have done before.
“Can I join you and Miss Adele in the dining room tonight?” I asked boldly.
Edward put his book down and looked at me with more than a little bewilderment. “Of course,” he answered.
I turned to leave. I didn’t want to say something stupid that would undermine myself.
“Jane.” Edward’s voice stopped me dead in my tracks. All the boldness I had a few moments ago melted into a puddle at my feet and I trembled as I turned around to meet Edward’s blue eyes. He was scowling and looking at me with his usual intensity.
“Yes?” I replied with a hint of a question in my voice.
“Stay with me a while,” he said. “Sometimes I hear ghosts when I sit too long in this h
ouse by myself.”
I stood still and listened for a moment. It was quiet. I had been so focused on classes and Helen’s odd morning visit that I hadn’t even noticed that the bustling staff had vanished. The house was clean and disturbingly silent. Even the regular staff was gone.
“Ghosts?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“I just meant that old houses make strange noises and this old house makes more than most.”
I nodded and sat down across from him. He continued to stare at me as though he were dissecting my face, and it made me feel awkward. I wondered what he was thinking? Did he think I was cute or even pretty? My many walks in the warm summer sun had left highlights in my hair. I kind of liked it. My skin had also benefitted from the sun, good food, and long walks. I liked my skin better when it was darker from the sun. It seemed smoother and less blotchy. I had put on eyeliner that morning and my long curly brown hair was loose and down. I was wearing a pretty, red tunic that I had bought at a thrift store. It fit me well and had a low V-neck that gave a curvier look to my chest. I was wearing it with a pair of black leggings. I thought I looked nice, but who knows if Edward thought so; his eyes had that intense look in them again. He could have been angry or disgusted. I had no idea. I wasn’t good at reading a guy’s mind. I felt pretty insecure about myself in the best of times, and I assumed that no guy would ever be attracted to me. I felt awkward at the silence. I cleared my throat and said, “I just wanted to say thank you for the ride the other day. It was wonderful and I don’t think I thanked you.”
“I enjoyed it, too.” Edward smiled just a little.
Silence filled the room and I looked around. Edward’s study was filled with the types of things you imagined would be in a Victorian gentleman’s study. It was kind of weird that he liked old stuff. I did, too, but I already knew I was weird. A collection of antique spyglasses sat on the huge mantel of the huge fireplace and a huge oil painting of a ship in a sea storm hung above it. Most of the rooms at Thornfield had a huge fireplace, probably dating back to when it was first built. I remembered what Mrs. Fairfax said about fires, but there were no papers or books near the fireplace.
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