“This is my fault,” Lumi says sadly. Nazirah wants to tell her that it’s not her fault, that she can’t blame herself. But she knows exactly how Lumi feels. And she knows from her own experience that those words won’t help. “I’ve been so selfish lately,” Lumi continues, staring at her delicate hands. “I’ve been selfish my entire life.”
Nazirah glances at Adamek, who is consoling Lord Grigori. “We can’t control the actions of others,” she says.
Lumi shakes her head, dams bursting from her eyes. “No, Nazirah! That’s no excuse. I’ve been running from the pain when I should have been facing it and protecting my family! I’ve failed my sisters … I’ve failed myself.”
“No one knew what Ani was going through,” Nazirah says. She knows it’s the wrong thing to say as soon as it leaves her mouth. Lumi glares blue icicles.
“I should have known,” she growls, pointing a finger inwards. “She was my sister! I should have known!”
Nazirah gently encloses Lumi’s hand within her own. “Lumi, what happened to Ani is awful and tragic. But she wouldn’t want you to live your life in her sadness. She would want you to move on, to make sure Yuki grows up happy. You have to be stronger than your sister was. You have to find that inner strength. When we get our final assignment next month, take some time away from here. Give yourself an opportunity to think about what it is you want … what’s best for you and your family.”
“I just wish my mother were still here,” Lumi cries. “She always knew what to do. I can only ever hope to be like her. But I’m sure you know exactly how that feels.”
“I do.”
Nazirah remembers Riva, her warmth and compassion. Inspiration flowed from her fingertips like milk and wisdom dripped from her mouth like honey. Lumi laughs bitterly, tracing the wood grain of the table. “One thing we have in common.”
“I’m sure there are other things,” Nazirah says, smiling. “We just have to find them.”
Lumi picks her fingernails. “What I’ve been doing lately, Nazirah, seems so stupid now. I was hoping to make Cato jealous. But Cato doesn’t even see me.”
“Cato’s oblivious to pretty much everything.”
“Not when it comes to you,” Lumi says.
“You’d be surprised,” Nazirah replies. “Sometimes you really have to spell things out for him.”
“Should I tell him I slept with Adamek?”
Nazirah coughs awkwardly. “That’s up to you. Morgen can be very persuasive when he wants.”
“I approached him, actually,” she says.
“Really?”
Lumi shrugs. “I heard the rumors, needed the release.”
Nazirah doesn’t want to hear anymore. “Right.”
“Do you think I’m a whore?”
“Not at all!” Nazirah says honestly. “I think he’s a scumbag, though.”
“He’s not so bad,” Lumi says. “I’ve been with guys a hell of a lot worse. There was nothing between us, though. We never talked … never even kissed. We were both just using the other, trying to escape reality.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“Does it ever go away?” Lumi asks suddenly.
“Does what go away?”
“The guilt?”
Nazirah wants to say yes, but she can’t lie to her friend. And she can’t lie to herself anymore, either. She searches for the right words, but they don’t come. Because she is not Cato Caal. And she is not Riva Martel.
She is only Nazirah Nation.
“It’s always there,” she says finally. “Some days it’s dull and other days it’s sharp. But we can channel it and hopefully use it for something worthwhile. For something good, to honor them by. And then maybe, someday, we can find some peace.”
Lumi nods, like she’s expecting it. She sobs then and Nazirah embraces her, crying too. She cries for Lumi and for Aneira, for the Grigoris, for herself, for Nikolaus, for Cato, for Riva and Kasimir.
And most surprisingly, or maybe most unsurprisingly, she cries for Adamek.
Chapter Twelve
“Osen, near the Eridian border,” Taj says, shoveling food into his mouth.
A long month has passed since Aneira’s funeral. The recruits are eating dinner outside on picnic tables. Lumi doesn’t come out here much anymore, because the grounds hold too many bad memories, but even she’s here today. She has become thinner in the past few weeks, more withdrawn, and she eats beside Taj quietly. Taj wraps a friendly arm around her.
“You’ll love Osen, Taj,” Ansel says wistfully. “It’s so different from the Deathlands. There are hundreds of crystal-clear lakes, rolling hills, evergreen trees that fill the air with pine. And grass everywhere, greener than you could ever imagine.”
“I’ve heard,” Taj says excitedly. “I can’t wait to see it in person.”
Nazirah wishes she could see it too, the land Kasimir once called home.
Cato chews thoughtfully. “What’s your assignment there?”
Today, the recruits received their final assignments, but Nazirah is anxiously still awaiting hers. The recruits would soon be scattered throughout the territories, helping the insurgents with defense, reconnaissance, medicine, and so on. It’s their last test before reconvening at headquarters to pledge their lives and hearts to the rebellion.
It’s their last chance to back out.
Taj shrugs. “Glumindo didn’t say much … something about lumber.”
“Interesting,” Cato says. Nazirah begs to disagree, but at least Taj knows what his assignment is. “Lumi, what did you get?”
Lumi’s entire face lights up. “I’m going back home, to Zima! I’m sure my father and Nikolaus had something to do with it, but I’m grateful. It’s not in Kivar, my hometown in SoZima. Obviously, I can’t go back there while my lunatic uncle remains in power. But it’s enough. I’ll be working in a small hospital near the Oseni border.”
“Maybe you can come visit me on the weekends,” Taj jokes, winking a brown eye suggestively.
Everyone at the table laughs, including Lumi. “You never know,” she replies coyly. “Cato, where are you going again? The Red West, right?”
Nazirah tunes them out. Cato has already told her, several times since this morning, about his mission. He came to her room after breakfast, excited that he was assigned recon in the Deathlands. Nazirah is glad he’s enthusiastic … but the Deathlands are so dangerous and Cato is so gentle. Nazirah is worried he won’t handle it well.
Or maybe Nazirah is the one not handling it. Getting their final assignments has made training very real. They will be true rebels soon, and then there really will be no turning back.
“Irri, you’re quieter than usual,” Taj says. “Not happy with your assignment?”
Nazirah squirms uncomfortably in her seat. “Um, no,” she says. “I’m still waiting to get mine.”
“You haven’t been assigned?” Lumi asks. She could always be counted on to restate the obvious.
Nazirah tries to seem nonchalant. “Nope,” she says. “But I’m not the only one who hasn’t been assigned yet, right?” Nazirah looks around the table, hoping to see someone nod. But they all, even Cato, avert their eyes.
Crickets.
Nazirah knows what they’re all thinking, because she’s thinking it too. Nikolaus is keeping her at the compound, out of harm’s way. Because she’s his sister and because he thinks she can’t handle it. A few months ago, this would be exactly what Nazirah wanted. But lately, she wants nothing more than to fight for every life that’s been lost, including her own.
The recruits lie in the grass after dinner, enjoying their last few hours together.
“I’m sorry you’re down about this, Irri,” says Cato gently, broaching the topic after everyone else has left their table. “Maybe it’s for the best? I know I’ll feel a lot better with you safe here.”
“It’s not for the best!” she snaps. “I’m not some damsel in distress! I don’t need to be locked away in a tower!”
> Cato looks perplexed. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“Do I?” she asks him honestly. “You and Niko both baby me all the time, like I’m so fragile, ready to shatter at a moment’s notice. I’m tired of it!”
“I feel very protective of you, Irri,” he says. “I always have.”
“I know that,” she says. “And I appreciate it. But I’m sick of sitting back and watching life pass me by. Especially with the lives of so many others cut short. I feel like I’m wasting the time I have. Like I should be doing more, taking more risks … something! I just feel like I haven’t lived enough, I guess. You know?”
It feels right, what she said.
She ignores the fact that those words aren’t her own.
“Not really,” Cato replies honestly. “But I support you in everything you do, Irri. And I’ll support you in this.”
Nazirah watches children playing on the swings. It feels like forever ago that she and Cato were doing the same thing. Leaving their fears behind them and vaulting into their future. It’s time Nazirah started swinging again.
“Thank you,” she says, rising from her seat. “I’m just really upset. I need to go find Niko and see exactly what’s going on. It’ll make me feel better to know.”
Cato nods encouragingly. “Okay,” he says. “Remember Nazi, I can always stuff you in my suitcase and take you to the Deathlands with me.”
A hint of a smile graces her face. “Funny,” she says. “Wish me luck.”
#
Nikolaus isn’t hard to track down. Nazirah finds him in the first place she looks. She knocks on his office door before entering. He’s there, hovering over a huge map of Renatus. Nikolaus glances up from his desk.
“Why do you look so surprised?” she asks.
“Since when do you knock?”
Nazirah rolls her eyes. He and Cato would make a great comedy act, at her expense. “Since now.”
“And you’re not even screaming or shouting at me.”
“You’re jinxing it.”
Nazirah sits down, tapping her foot. Niko looks painfully gaunt, as the stress of the impending war takes its toll. His dark hair is longer, messier than he normally keeps it. He hasn’t shaved in several days. He resembles Kasimir more and more. “I was wondering when you’d show up,” he says.
“You were?”
“You look nervous.”
“Just hear me out,” she begs.
“Okay.”
Nazirah dives headfirst into the argument she prepared on the short walk here, playing with the hem of her skirt. “I know I said that I didn’t want to help the rebellion and I wanted to run away and never come back. But I’ve changed my mind.”
“You have?”
“Yes.” Nazirah plows on. “I do want to make a difference! I do believe in what we’re fighting for! And I want to help!”
“Irri –”
“You can’t keep me hostage here!” she interrupts. “Doing nothing, trapped in this prison, while all my friends are out risking their lives! I need to do something worthwhile, for our parents, for myself! Or I will go insane. Do you understand? I will completely lose it! You have to give me something!”
“Nazirah –”
“I’m tired of everyone treating me like a child every second of every day! Like I’m some sort of porcelain doll! Well I’m not, okay? I can handle this, okay? And you know what? I hate dolls! And besides,” she rants, breathless, “isn’t this showing the exact same favoritism that you’ve been condemning? It’s not even favoritism, Niko! It’s like anti-favoritism, because I don’t even want –”
Niko slams his fist on the desk. “Nazirah, shut the hell up for a second, will you?” He rubs his temples. “My God, you’re exactly like Riva! You talk and talk and no one can get a word in edgewise!”
“Sorry, but –”
“Shut up!” he yells. “If you had let me speak from the beginning, you would know that I do have an assignment for you!”
The door creaks open. Nazirah snaps her head around, watching Adamek walk in with the silver Iluxor briefcase. She hasn’t seen him in weeks, not since Aneira’s funeral. His expression is unusually haggard, his hair is slightly tousled, and there is intense sadness in his face. When he sees her, though, every emotion is wiped clean, replaced by his usual mask. Nazirah glances at Nikolaus. His eye twitches once.
“All right there, Morgen?” Nikolaus says.
Adamek nods. “I didn’t realize you had company.” He places the briefcase on Nikolaus’s shelf. “Just returning this,” he says and leaves without another word.
The recruits haven’t had Iluxor training in weeks. Nazirah doesn’t think Adamek gives private sessions. Why had he borrowed it? “What was that about?” she asks Niko.
“Nothing important,” he says, brushing her off. “Listen, back to what we were discussing before … or what you were ranting about before … I’m pleased you want to help. And you’ve misjudged me, because I have a special assignment for you. It’s unusual and will be incredibly challenging. But I believe that you’re the only person for the job.”
Nazirah sits on the edge of her seat in breathless anticipation. “What is it?” she asks.
“For several months now,” he says, “the recon team and I have formed strategic alliances throughout the territories. Coupled with the information that Morgen and our various spies have provided, including the city layout of Mediah, we plan to seize the government in a coup within a few weeks. Our ultimate goal is to surround them simultaneously from all four directions. With the help of our allies, we’ll take over their main government skytowers, strongholds, and symbols of power. The rest will hopefully fall after that.”
Nazirah is stunned. “This is really happening?”
“It is,” Nikolaus reassures her. “We plan on taking out the Medi leaders in one fell swoop, replacing their government with our own.”
“Which would be what, exactly?”
Nikolaus shrugs. “A democracy maybe,” he says, “like they had in the Old Country. Maybe even something socialist. We haven’t really thought about it much.”
“You haven’t thought about it much?” she repeats.
“We’ll need a government where there’s equality of opportunity for all races, including intermix, where resources are distributed according to need, where people aren’t segregated, are allowed to live where they want and marry who they want. But the exact details are still up in the air.”
“Clearly.”
“Nazirah,” he sighs, “we have to figure out how to win the war first. The rest comes later.”
Nazirah scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. “Do you really think it’ll be that easy? That’s your grand plan? Throw the entire country into chaos and let the cards fall where they may?”
“You’re simplifying it.”
“I’m not!” she cries. “You expect to defeat the Medis like that?” Nazirah snaps her fingers. “They’re the Medis, Niko! Not a band of Eridian school bullies! And even if we do somehow miraculously win, you can’t just flick a switch in people’s minds! Nobody is going to suddenly accept intermix into the fold!”
“You think I don’t know that?” he shouts. “But it’s worth a shot! Every revolution, every change in history starts somewhere! Why not with us? Nazirah, we’ve been lucky, if you can believe it. Most intermix don’t see adulthood, poverty is so rampant. You said you wanted to do something worthwhile, that you needed to do something worthwhile. What’s more worthwhile than this?”
“But –”
“I’m not done!” he snaps. “The Medis try to appear strong, Nazirah, because they are weak. It is our fear that keeps them in power, not much else. They are the minority. They spend all their money indulging in luxuries. Their troops are a very real issue, but they are not insurmountable. And we will never win with an attitude like yours.”
“And what happens to them?” she asks. “What do you plan on doing with an entire race of people?”
Niko hesitates. “That, I cannot say. Glumindo, Badoomi, and I disagree about what their fate should be. Like most rebels, the other Commanders believe the surviving Medis should be enslaved, shown exactly how we’ve suffered. But I am of a different opinion. I believe that the majority of Medis are innocent, blissfully ignorant about territory and intermix life. For centuries, they’ve been fed propaganda. They’ve grown up on it, grown fat on it. Why would they believe anything else?”
“Are you honestly justifying their actions?”
“I’m not justifying anything! But I try to understand their perspective. To me, punishing every Medi would mean going against the ideal the rebellion is founded on … that everyone is inherently equal. How could I knowingly commit an entire race to a lifetime of servitude, because of the actions of a few? That’s a death sentence I don’t want on my shoulders. I can only hope the others will see reason.”
“So what exactly do you want me to do?”
“If we are to do this, Nazirah,” Niko says, “I mean really do this … we need more support. We have a solid foundation, but it’s not enough. We need human resources and stronger alliances. A few well-meaning rebels will not win this war for us.”
“Just spit it out,” she says.
“We need you.”
Nazirah is baffled. “Me?” she asks. “What can I possibly do?”
“More than you probably know,” he responds. “I was wrong to send you to the Deathlands, thinking no one would recognize you. Everyone in the entire country, from Mediah to the most outlying territory, knows who you are. Everyone knows your face, your story, what happened to our parents.”
“But only because that’s what the Medis wanted!”
“Exactly,” he says. “The Medis used you as propaganda. You became the symbol for what can happen to every citizen if they step out of line. We are hoping to turn that propaganda around. We want you to become the face of the rebellion, the face of intermix. Be the voice for people who are so unable to speak for themselves. Show them what happens if they do not join us.”
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