by Rachel Woods
There was anguish in his hazel eyes. It had been too much for her to withstand. As she’d hurried away from him, John hadn’t followed her, and she figured she’d accomplished what she’d set out to do—drive John away. Back at the house, she’d sunk to the floor, sobbing and heaving, unable to catch her breath.
She’d been convinced she would never see John again. She tried to convince herself that allowing John to walk away from her and the baby was for the best, but she didn’t believe that. All she wanted in the world was to be with John and raise their baby together. But she was wary of giving their love another chance. They’d loved each other when John had broken her heart. Love hadn’t been enough to keep them together then. How could love be enough to bring them back together now?
Surprisingly, John had been waiting for her again, the following morning. And he’d brought a present for the baby. Two presents, actually. Two stuffed elephants, one pink and the other blue. As soon as Spencer saw them, her heart started to melt, but she steeled herself.
“Don’t know if you’re having a boy or girl,” John had said. “But either way…”
Despite her reservations, Spencer had accepted the gifts, and to this day, she found she couldn’t get to sleep without the elephants. The blue one, especially, she found comforting, and she started to think she might be having a boy.
“So, are you gonna talk to him or not?” Rae cut into her reverie.
“You think I should?” Spencer asked.
“I don’t know,” Rae said, walking into the home office. “Two weeks ago, I would have told you to tell him to kiss your ass, but now…”
“But now what?”
“But now I think maybe he does really want to be with you and the baby,” Rae said. “Maybe he is sorry for being a heartless asshole and he wants to prove his love, or whatever. I don’t know.”
“You think I should give him a chance?” Spencer asked, hopeful.
Tilting her head, Rae asked, “Do you think you should give him a chance? Or I guess a better question is, do you want to give him a chance?”
Her heart beating wildly, Spencer used her index finger to tap on the driver’s window of John’s SUV. The automatic window descended, and John stared at her, smiling slightly. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, and the facial hair gave him a rugged look. Not quite savage, but a bit untamed. Exciting and appealing in a way she wasn’t exactly used to.
“Hi,” he said.
“Good morning,” she said, deciding to keep things formal. “I’m going for a walk.”
He nodded, waiting.
Spencer sighed and then said, “You can come with me if you want.”
John didn’t hesitate to exit the Range Rover, and minutes later, they were strolling down the street at a leisurely pace, not hand in hand, but side by side. Close enough that they accidentally brushed against each other every now and then. Each time, it gave Spencer a jolt, reminding her of just how long it had been since she and John had been together. She missed being in his arms and wanted him to hold her and kiss her and make love to her.
“You been feeling okay?” John asked, after several moments of silence, during which Spencer worried she might be overwhelmed, or overcome, by John’s presence. She hadn’t forgotten how tall and sexy he was. Not seeing him for two months had done nothing to diminish the effect he had on her.
Spencer nodded. “I’ve been okay.”
“Just wondered because you stopped taking your morning walk.”
“Well, that’s your fault,” she snapped, picking up the pace a bit, swinging her arms. “Every time I opened the door to go out, there you were, parked across the street.”
John said nothing. Spencer glanced up at him. His hazel eyes reflected a tempting mix of self-effacing amusement and desire, and she looked away, chiding herself for being enticed.
“Why have you been sitting in your car in front of my sister’s house?” she asked, trying to pay attention to her breathing as she struggled to ignore the euphoria of being so close to John again. The giddiness was irritating, and she feared it might make her do something rash and foolish.
“Waiting for this moment we’re having right now,” he said.
“How long were you going to sit out there?” she asked, determined to ignore her silly emotions and enjoy the warm early morning December sunshine.
“For as long as it took,” he said. “I told myself every day from dawn to dusk.”
“So, you went back to your hotel at night?”
“Didn’t want to,” he admitted. “I thought about staying out in front of the house twenty-four hours a day, but I knew I would need to get some sleep, and shower, and maybe get some work done.”
“You didn’t have to go through all that,” she said as they rounded the corner, staying close to the curb.
“Yeah, I did, and I’m glad I did,” he said. “Imagine if I hadn’t. We wouldn’t be having this moment.”
“Well, now that we are having this moment,” she said and cleared her throat.
John didn’t say anything, waiting for her to go on, she supposed.
“I am glad you know about the baby,” she admitted.
“I’m just happy we created this beautiful life and now we get to raise the baby together.”
“About that,” Spencer said, trying to steel herself against the effects of his words.
“About what?”
“Raising the baby together,” she said. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re not together anymore,” Spencer said.
“About that,” he said.
Wary, she asked, “About what?”
“Me and you not being together,” he said. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Meeting you and having you in my life is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“That can’t possibly be true,” she disputed. “John, you met me because I came to Belize to trick you. I came to drug you so I could snoop through your casita and find an envelope for Ben Chang. I lied to you, and—”
“Listen to me,” he said, stepping in front of her, without warning, forcing her to stop. “When I say you’re the best thing that happened to me, I mean that. I wanted to find someone I could fall in love with, someone I could love and who would really love me, and I wanted a family, and you're going to give me the child I always wanted. All that has happened for me because I met you.”
“John, why are you saying all these things right now?” she asked, staring at the concrete curb, unable to meet his gaze.
“Because I want you to know how I feel about you.”
“How you feel about me doesn’t change anything,” she said, walking around him, hurrying away.
“Spencer, wait,” he called out.
“I know what you're doing,” she said, glancing back at him. “You’re saying all the right things, trying to make it hard for me to walk away from this relationship, which is what I should do.”
“Why do you want to walk away?” he asked. “Why don't you want to try to make this work between us?”
Abruptly, she stopped and spun to face him, not surprised to find him inches away. “Before you decided to just come back into my life without asking me first, I had made a decision about us.”
“I made a decision about us, too.”
“I decided to give up my fantasies of being with you,” she said, “because I knew they weren’t going to come true.”
“Well, I decided to come back to Houston and tell you that the dreams we had of being together forever are still alive,” he said, “and I’m going to do whatever I have to so that all those dreams come true.”
Spencer wanted to scream at him. Why the hell was he saying all the right things? And why was he so damn sincere? His conviction made it impossible to dispute his feelings. She couldn’t stop herself from believing his promises.
“Spencer?”
She opened her mouth to tell him he was a fool if he really
thought their pipe dreams of happily ever after could possibly come true, but the words stuck in her throat. Bursting into tears, she dropped her face in her hands. A moment later, his arms wrapped around her, pulling her close. Unable to pretend she didn’t want to be exactly where she was, Spencer gave in, allowing herself the luxury and comfort of his strong protective embrace.
26
Houston, Texas
Torrey Chase Subdivision
“Do you want some tea?” Spencer asked, opening the pantry door, taking a box of Celestial Seasonings from the shelf. “I would offer you coffee, but I can’t have it.”
“Tea is fine,” John said, taking a seat at the table in the breakfast nook at the opposite end of the galley kitchen.
As she removed teacups from an overhead cabinet, Spencer relished the opportunity to concentrate on a mundane task as she struggled to keep it together and regain her composure. Bristling, she got the tea kettle from its spot next to the microwave and tried to ignore the memories of her emotional breakdown. Twenty minutes ago, on a quiet street in a well-kept suburban neighborhood, she’d allowed John’s heartfelt promises and tender vows to weaken her resolve to move on without him. Now, back at Shady’s, she hoped to regain her determination to resist his attempts at reconciliation.
At the sink, she filled the kettle, admonishing herself not to give in, no matter what John said or how good it sounded or how much she wanted to hear it.
“Actually, what I want more than a cup of tea is for you to come over here so we can talk.”
After taking the kettle to the range and placing it on a back burner, Spencer took a deep breath, hesitating. “What do we need to talk about, John?”
“I don’t believe that you don’t want us to be together again,” he said.
“I don’t want to rush into anything,” she said, staring at the stovetop. “We need to really think about if we belong together or not.”
“I know we belong together,” he said. “I don’t need to think about it.
“We need to see if we could really make a relationship work,” she insisted. “It takes more than love, and lust, and wanting to be with each other, it takes work.”
“This is what I know,” he said. “I love you and I want to be with you. Can we make a relationship work? I think we have to. We don’t have a choice. I have to make this work with you because I can’t live without you.”
“Me or the baby?” Spencer challenged, facing him. “Because the truth is that you wouldn’t have come back if you hadn’t found out that I was pregnant.”
“The truth is that I never should have left.”
“You mean you never should have kicked me out?” she asked, arms folded.
“No, I shouldn’t have told you to leave,” he said. “That was the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life. These past months without you have been absolutely miserable. You told me I would be miserable without you, and you were right.”
“No, you were probably better without me.”
“Listen, I’m not leaving until I get what I really want.”
Spencer stared at him, confused. “And what do you really want?”
“I want you to come home with me, where you belong,”
“I don’t know where I belong,” she said, turning back to the range.
“You belong with me,” he said. “At our house in The Woodlands.”
“John, what are you talking about?” She looked over at him. “Our house in The Woodlands? What house in The Woodlands?”
“I bought us a house in The Woodlands,” he said. “I know you like that neighborhood.”
“I hope you didn’t buy that house that you kicked me out of,” she said, her blood pressure spiking. “Because I am never going back to that house.”
“I didn’t buy that house,” he said, frowning slightly. “It wasn’t for sale, and I wouldn’t have bought it if it had been on the market. I don’t want to go back to that house, either.”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” she said, watching as steam began to escape the spout of the kettle. “And if you think some giant house in The Woodlands is going to be enough to get me back, then you’re wrong.”
“Then what do I need to do to get you back?” he asked, standing. “Because I don’t want to be without you.”
Spencer sighed, worried as he approached her. “Please don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“What makes you think I don’t mean it?” he asked. “I’m not going to live without you.”
“Even if that would be the best thing for you?” Spencer asked, unable to move as he advanced.
“I’ve tried to be away from you,” he said. “It doesn’t work for me. I can’t pretend I don’t want to be with you.”
She looked down, trying not to get her hopes up.
“Look at me,” he said, lifting her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes to see the sincerity in his gaze. “You are the only woman I want.”
“You want to be with me even though I’m not selfless and compassionate?” she asked. “You want to be with a selfish bitch?”
“That’s not what you are.”
“You said I was.”
“I didn’t mean it,” he said. “I wanted to hurt you.”
“You did a lot more than just hurt me, John,” she said. “You pretty much destroyed me that night. I hate saying that out loud. I hate admitting that to you. But, it’s true.”
“I know I was harsh and cruel and heartless,” he said. “And I know I can’t take back what I said or expect you to forgive me or even move past it. That night will always be between us, and we’ll never forget it, but hopefully we can move on from it.”
“I don’t know if I can move on,” she told him.
“Look, you and I love each other,” he said. “That means we owe it to each other to fight for what we have.”
“But I don’t know if I want to fight for our love,” she said. “It’s a fight I don’t think I would win.”
He shook his head. “Don’t say that.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this,” she said, “but being in love with you has only made me miserable and sad and terrified.”
“I know I broke your heart—”
“John, you broke more than my heart, you broke me,” she said. “Now you say we need to fight for our love, but I told you I loved you that night. I begged you to believe in my love for you, and you told me I was a lying bitch and you wanted me out of your life.”
“I didn’t mean any of those things I said,” he told her. “I was hurt so I wanted you to hurt.”
“You did hurt me,” she said. “But, even more than that, you made me feel stupid and ashamed of myself because I felt like I’d brought all that heartbreak on myself. All that emotional pain and trauma was my own damn fault. It was what I deserved for falling in love with you when I knew better. I knew you were going to hurt me, and you did. And I knew I was going to disappoint you, and I did. So knowing all that, why the hell did I let myself fall for you?”
He sighed and stared at her with a pained expression, something between shame and frustration.
“Knowing all that,” she went on, “why would I set myself up to be emotionally decimated again? I don’t need any more pain. I have enough already. My heart is still broken. I haven’t really gotten over what you did to me that night.”
“I’ll help you get over what I did to you,” he said. “All I want is another chance with you. All I want to know is, do you want to be with me? Do you want to start over? Do you want to try to make this work between us?”
Staring at John, she felt an odd courage, a tenacious boldness rising within her, urging her to see what might happen if she took a chance with John.
A daunting prospect. Very audacious, and probably foolish, but she wanted to try. The truth was, she was too much in love with John to just walk away, especially when he wanted to be with her, too. But loving him terrified her. How the hell was she supposed to be the kind of woman
John wanted? He was probably better off without her, she knew. She would be doing him a favor if she walked away from their love.
Spencer looked up at him, and just that quick, she knew the last thing she wanted was to say goodbye to him. She wanted to be with him. She wanted them to raise the little one together, as a family.
“I want to be with you…” She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against his chest as he held her tighter. “Forever.”
27
The Woodlands, Texas
Carlton Woods Gated Community
Afternoon sunshine floated through the French doors of the master bedroom of the mansion in The Woodlands, the beautiful Mediterranean showpiece they had returned to last night, the dream house she and John had moved into three weeks ago.
It was hushed and calm in the room. A beautiful golden presence seemed to have fallen over the atmosphere, like a spell.
Lying in John’s arms was like being in a sanctuary. Their bodies were so close it was as though they were fused together. Spencer wanted to be even closer. She wanted to seep into John, little by little, until separation was impossible.
Part of her hated those thoughts. They terrified her and confused her. She wanted to seep into him. What the hell did that even mean? Was it even remotely possible? Did she really want to totally immerse herself in a man, to bury herself in his soul, in his flesh? Wasn’t that something “that wife” would do? And wasn’t she supposed to resist and wrestle against foolish thoughts which might trick her into becoming “that wife” to a man?
Spencer wasn’t sure if she knew who she was anymore. Her emotions were out of control, unfamiliar. Pregnancy hormones, she’d decided. Sometimes, though, she didn’t want to think of John’s embrace as a place of solace and comfort. Sometimes, she wondered if she should have given up the fantasies of forever with John. Maybe she should have moved on with her life as a single mother, just her and the baby.