by A. M. Brooks
“Ramirez asked me to meet him for lunch yesterday so we could catch up. When Jenna walked up to take our order, I knew something wasn’t right,” Jay states while his eyes bore quietly into mine. I want to look away while my body shifts from side to side. The pang of guilt hits my chest all over again.
“We both were this close to calling you in as a missing person.” Jay holds his fingers up with just barely a bit of space between them. “Until some kid at the bar said you were with Stone, Antonio, and Joe.” The way he says their names, there is no denying his hate for them. I bite my lip, knowing I’ve hurt Jay and probably gave Sarge a panic attack, too.
“I can explain if you let me,” I try to reason, wanting to tell Jay my side, too.
“Did you go to Vegas with them?” he asks, interrupting. His jaw locked, his eyes cold and distant.
I move farther into my room, keeping my back straight and my head held high. I nod and watch his face contort into rage. “Jay—” I start to reason.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Jay stands from my bed, raking his hands through the short sides of his hair. “After everything, everything we’ve talked about? After I told you that they’re possibly dangerous and we promised to trust each other, you think that was the smart thing to do?”
“Stop!” I tell him, holding up my hands. “Listen to me. I can explain.”
“What is there to fucking explain, Blaise?” His voice booms in the small space of my room. “You lied. There is no trust between us and you put yourself in a dangerous situation. How do I know you weren’t giving them details of everything I’ve told you over the last month?”
“I wouldn’t do that,” I respond, recoiling that he thinks that low of me.
“Why should I believe you?” he answers, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Look, I’m sorry I lied. I knew the minute I decided to go we might end up here, but I couldn’t just sit around either, Jay. This whole thing has been a nightmare for me, too. I’m being told one thing by one person and one thing by another. At this point, I don’t know who to trust. I needed to see for myself if they’ve changed. I grew up with them. They aren’t just strangers who moved to town when you got here. I trust you and then I felt guilty, so guilty that I gave up any allegiance to them. I condemned them just because you said so.” I drive my point home by jabbing my finger into his chest.
Jay leans down so his face is level with mine. “Because I’m right, Blaise. You know it, I know it. I asked you to let me handle it so you wouldn’t have to face the reality of what could happen.”
“And I’m not some princess who needs you or anyone to do all the dirty work for me. I needed to know for me, Jay. I wish you could understand that.” My voice cracks with emotions I’ve been storing for the past twelve hours.
“I wish I could, too. If you had told me, I could have tried. That’s how relationships work,” he answers, lifting his shoulders.
“Are we in a relationship?” I ask. “Because last I knew, you wanted to fuck whenever possible, but it’s sort of pretend and it’s sort of your job.”
His eyes turn black and he shakes his head. “Unbelievable. Okay, Blaise, keep going with that then. If that makes you feel less like a shitty person for what you did, then keep believing that shit you tell yourself.”
“Fuck you,” I spit out, an angry flush spreads across my cheeks. He’s on me, my body pinned between the door and him before I even have the words out of my mouth. My first instinct is to struggle before my hands are locked above my head in his vise-like grip. We’re both breathing heavily, fuming over our argument.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you princess,” he replies, his lips dropping to the exposed flesh on my neck, using his tongue to draw a wet path up to my chin.
“Don’t call me that,” I warn him, attempting to bring my leg up and get some distance between us. Lust builds in my chest sending warmth through my body and a strong pulse between my legs. I want him even though I’m angry. I wanted him to be angry still.
“What does Mamacita mean?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. Jay’s body becomes rigid, his face instantly pulls back, his eyes pin me with a glare.
“Where did you hear that?” His voice deathly serious while he moves back, dropping my hands like I burned him. “Blaise, where did you hear that?”
I look away, unable to meet his gaze knowing the next words out of my mouth are going to cause a whole new catastrophe between us.
“I saw Seth,” I tell him, clearing my throat.
“The fuck, where?” Jay steps farther away from me, his hands tugging at the longer hair on top of his head.
“He came here,” I answer quickly, my tongue darting out and running across my dry lips. I feel my pulse speeding up.
“When?” Jay asks.
“Before I left with the guys,” I answer honestly. The truth is supposed to set you free but all I feel is more twisted in knots. Jay shuts down in front of me. A mask slides over his face, while his eyes look at me as if he doesn’t know me.
“Where is he?” Jay’s tone is icy at best while he detaches from all his emotions.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Honestly. He was just here, and he was freaked out and he has what you need but he doesn’t know who to trust either. He told me to ask Trent about Mamacita. He said that—”
“Nichols knows about this?” he questions, anger flaring to life in his eyes again.
“What? No. I never asked him. I wanted to ask you when I got back, but I kept hearing it in Vegas and I—”
“Stop,” Jay says, holding up his hands. “Was she there?”
“Who?” I ask, confused. My brain spins trying to remember if any women were with us when they referred to Mamacita. “No, I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so,” Jay repeats, his head cocked to the side. I hate the sneering look on his face while he stares at me. “Of course not.”
“Maybe if everyone was honest with me and quit using codes and games all the time, I wouldn’t be trying to figure this out on my own. I wouldn’t be taken back and would know who I should be looking out for!” I practically scream at him. All my previous frustrations are back with a vengeance.
“And, if you had been honest with me, this could have been something we talked about. I have to go report in,” Jay tells me, sliding past me to get out of my bedroom door. I listen as he stomps down the hallway and jump when he slams the door shut before the lock slides into place.
Everything comes crashing down on me at once. My legs buckle and my chest heaves while sobs rock my frame. I’m overwhelmed and way out of my depth. Mourning the relationship with the boys I used to know, who used to sneak me Cheetos in my lunch, would pick me up from school if Blake couldn’t, and who never failed to give the best gag-gift Christmas presents, is still fresh. Jay’s anger, even if I deserved it, stings the worst out of all the pain I’m feeling. Despite my best intentions, okay, my own stubbornness to find answers, I’m no better off than I was before. All I know is that I’ve been betrayed. We were betrayed.
Pulling myself to my feet, I trudge down the hall, standing in front of the closed door. Breathing in and out before bringing my hand to twist the knob. It’s been months since I last opened his room and I’m terrified of the ghosts lurking inside. The door creaks initially, the sound echoing in the empty apartment, before it swings completely open.
“What the hell?!” I snap at Seth right as he climbs through Blake’s window.
“Blaise?” he stammers, guilt flashing in his eyes.
“What are you doing?” I ask, rushing at him and tugging his hoodie so he tumbles to the ground.
Rolling to his back, Seth holds his hands up in defeat. “Wait! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Doesn’t answer my question,” I yell at him, trying to remember where I left my phone and calculating how fast I could get there.
As if sensing my thoughts, Seth reaches out, his arm snaking
around my ankle. “Wait, just listen. I have the money that McCall is looking for, okay. Blake gave me the bag and he took the other bag of evidence before he died.”
“Where is it?” I ask, my brow furrowing.
“The money is safe. I will give it to you or McCall or whoever. I can’t give the evidence though. That’s what I’m trying to look for. I know how bad this looks, trust me, I get it. I have what everyone is after but the big guns… I don’t know where your brother hid it.” His words rush out of him. I lift my brow.
“Where’s the money?” I asked, noticing the backpack he had last time isn’t present.
“Not on me at this second. It would have been hard scaling up here if I had it, but I do have it,” he assures me while climbing up off the floor.
“It’s not in here,” I lie, sweeping my hand around the room. “I went through everything, there isn’t anything in here.”
Seth studies me. “Are you sure? Under the bed, everything?”
“Yes!” I yell in a whisper, angry that once again Seth has just shown up. “I would know. Now get the hell out.”
Anger flares in my stomach, and I begin shoving him back toward the window.
“Blaise, please.” Seth’s hands come out in front of him, clasped together. “Please believe me. I have the money. I didn’t take it and split. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t trust anyone but you.”
Our eyes connect and all the old feelings come rushing in again. The very first time I met Seth, I swore up and down he was going to be our best friend for life. His green irises screamed honesty. Like us, Seth had been dealt a shitty hand in parents, yet he grew up to be respectful, smart, and to a certain degree, kind. He was standoffish and often gave the system the finger then turn around and he would carry groceries to the car for elderly women. My heart squeezes in response to him. I don’t want him to trust me. I don’t want to trust him anymore. A year ago, this wouldn’t even be up for discussion.
“Everything’s changed,” I say even while my head rejects the words.
Seth swallows visibly. “Not everything, Blaise. I still care about you. It’s been hell not being able to be here with you. I miss him so much. Blake would know what to do and I just don’t.” His shoulders slump. Seth looks like the weight of the world has been riding on him and my twisted heart can’t find it in myself to comfort him.
“Please leave, Seth.” My words sound as hollow as I feel. Everything is dead on the inside. If I shut down the feelings, I might be able to coast through this tangle of lies.
He doesn’t answer me, but I know I hurt his feelings. Seth moves quietly to the window and climbs through, back down the fire escape. I wait in the dark until I hear his feet hit the dirt below and take off running. Moving to the window, I slam it shut and lock it before sliding Blake’s old collector’s baseball bat on top to keep it closed. Goosebumps break out over my flesh, the hair on my neck tingling and I back up without disturbing anything else.
Back in my own space, I pull my phone out, staring at the empty screen. No missed calls or texts. My heart lurches once before I shut it down. I will not be a pawn and I will not continue catching feelings. This case that I walked into willingly is causing havoc in my life. Before I can stop myself, I text a quick message to Luis that I’m sick and need a few days off, then power off my phone. I make sure my window is locked and pad throughout the apartment, checking the windows, and double checking the front door before also locking myself in my room. Flipping on the fan, I strip down before sliding under my covers. The blood roaring in my ears subsides and I can concentrate on breathing in and out. My body is as exhausted as my mind and before I know it, everything goes black and quiet.
Seventy-two hours. I gave myself three full days to wallow in the past and face the mistakes I made. After twenty-four hours, I caved and turned my phone on only to be disappointed. There was nothing from Jay. Only a text from Luis that my time off was approved, but he would need me back by Friday’s dinner shift and after the high school football game ended. It was Thursday, I texted him to let him know I was coming in.
By the time I finally showered and got dressed, it’s close to the dinner rush. Not caring if I’m on the schedule or not, I show up and don’t miss the hint of relief on Luis’ face when I get behind the bar so that he doesn’t have to be.
“Sorry,” I mumble to him, which only earns me a grunt in response.
After three hours, my body falls back into muscle memory and it feels good to be out doing something. For the most part, I ignore the chatter around me. It’s when the door flies open and Antonio howls into the air and the room explodes in laughter and cheers that I finally snap out of it. I basically fell off the face of the earth for three days and not one of them sent a text or called. I keep my eyes averted while they find their booth and the crowd gravitates toward them.
“Must be a good night planned at the track,” Jenna says, leaning over the bar. She says it quietly enough only for me to hear. I shrug in response. “Are you okay?” she asks me, this time her voice was laced with concern.
“Talk a minute?” I ask, nodding toward the back door.
“I’ll drop these off then meet you out there.” Jenna smiles mischievously before taking her drinks away.
I wipe my hands and head out toward the back, grabbing a loose cigarette from Luis on the way.
“Hey,” he starts to say but can’t argue. Two minutes later, Jenna joins me with a cigarette clasped in her fingers, too.
Unlike her, I don’t light mine, just hold it at my side while we talk. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. Since arriving tonight, I’ve been chewing the words around in my mouth knowing they aren’t enough and that I can’t give her more. Jenna huffs next to me.
“You should have told me.” Her eyes bore into mine. “I wouldn’t have asked questions and it sure as hell would have saved everyone a lot of worry.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. “I should have,” I agree with her even though I’m unwilling to share at this point. Maybe Trent was right all along and it’s better to not trust anyone.
“He was pretty upset,” Jenna tells me, her eyebrow quirked. “I thought he was going to pummel Luis for not asking why you needed the weekend off.”
I shake my head picturing it. “I’ll apologize to him, too. None of that should have happened.”
“You know why though, right?” Jenna asks. Our eyes meet again, mine apprehensive. I shrug. “He cares about your crazy ass. We all do. He kept saying you could be in danger.” Crossing her arms over her chest, Jenna looks away.
“I know,” I reply, keeping my face masked.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but I know when something isn’t right. Ever since they’ve been back… things haven’t been right.”
I nod again. “I really am sorry.”
A ghost of a smile crosses her lips. Dropping the half-smoked cig to the ground, Jenna heads to the door. “I forgive you,” she says over her shoulder without turning around. Stunned, I turn to ask her why, why forgive me when I haven’t been the greatest friend in the world, but she’s already disappeared back inside. Dragging in a deep breath, I attempt to refocus my mind.
We were only gone for five minutes and yet the place is already busier than when I left. I’m behind on tab orders and need to work quickly before the servers’ tables get too rowdy. The work keeps me busy the rest of the night. By the time it’s last call, I realize Stone, Joey, and Antonio ate and left without a word to me. Chills chase down my back after a quick glance at my phone shows they didn’t text either. We went hours without acknowledging each other, which only fuels my curiosity… what are they hiding?
The door chimes one more time, and my heart races, only to be disappointed as a man and woman enter, clearly on a date. Jay did not show up tonight like he usually would. The traitorous organ inside my chest squeezes. No text, no call, and it’s been three days. I swallow past the lump of emotion caught in my throat.
“Cash register is set,” I
mutter to Luis while untying my apron strings.
“Heading out?” Luis asks, giving me the side-eye.
It takes effort not to roll my eyes back at him. “Yup,” I answer with as little attitude as I can manage. He did just give me three days off. My shift is over though and all he has to do is close down. I cleaned, the glasses are in the washer, and money is accounted for. “See you tomorrow.” I fling over my shoulder before hightailing it out the door. The minute I breathe in the dusty air, I can feel eyes on me. I shiver in response, keeping my head down and my bag pulled tight against my body until I get to my car. Slamming my keys into the ignition, the headlights sweep the darkness before I peel out of there.
“It’s just your imagination,” I try to reason with myself during the drive back to the apartment. My phone starts going off, the vibrations almost painful from where I have the phone squeezed between my thighs. I count five text messages by the time I pull into the lot.
Once I’m in park, I pick up the cell, hating that my fingers are shaking.
Seth: Meet me after your shift. I have something to show you.
Seth: Everyone will be at Scar tonight. It’s safe
Seth: Have you been to McCall’s loft yet?
Seth: Didn’t think so. Meet me tonight. He rents above the mechanic shop.
Seth: Trust me. You need to see.
Me: What if I have been there?
I type out quick, holding my breath that I don’t have to wait. The little dancing bubbles are instant.
Seth: If you had, you wouldn’t be sleeping with him.
My jaw clenches and my cheeks turn pink. I never told Seth we were sleeping together. I remember he made the same comment before, and I shut it down. I lied the other night to him about Blake’s room. I haven’t been through it in months. For all I know he did put something in there. Which also means that window has been unlocked for a long time, too. My stomach swoops just thinking about it. Grabbing my bag and keys, I jog to the door and let myself in before locking every bolt in place behind me.