by A. M. Brooks
When he realizes I’m not budging, he pushes off the truck and stalks toward me. Every step he takes sets me on edge. Gasoline, leather, sandalwood and citrus assault my nose when I breathe him in. His gaze darkens when our eyes meet as if he can see my torment reflected back at him. When he’s a breath away from me, I finally smell the mint rolling from his tongue when he speaks. “Can we talk?”
“I didn’t think you would be coming back.” I shrug, trying my hardest not to tear up and remain strong.
“It took longer than expected,” he tells me.
“I tried to call,” I say, making him aware.
“I had to get a new phone now that the assignment is over. I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone. You deserve more than that,” he explains and I swallow past the hurt in my throat at his choice of words. He’s here to end us floats through my mind, my subconscious laughs at the naive hopefulness I had been holding onto.
“Thank you,” I tell him. “For what you did for Blake. It means more than anything to me that he can rest peacefully and to know the truth.” I attempt a small smile, but my gaze turns watery. “I meant to tell you before, but things were crazy after the hospital.”
Jay’s eyes track over my face before he slants a dark look down at me. “Did you mean what you said at the hospital?”
My mouth goes dry, my veins simmering from his heated look. I know what he’s talking about. It’s on my tongue to lie and pretend I don’t remember. Instead of shielding my already fractured heart, I nod. “Yes.”
“Thank fuck,” he responds before his lips claim mine.
His hands slide from around my face, down my arms, and around my waist, pulling me in tighter. After the initial shock wears off, my lips move greedily with his. Jay pours need and his love into this kiss, chasing my tongue with his, swallowing every moan that makes its way from inside me. I’m on fire everywhere when his hands grab my butt, and my legs automatically wrap around his waist. He turns and carries me over to the truck, sitting me in the bed, our lips never losing contact. My hands grip his shoulders, bringing his body farther into mine when he tears his mouth away from mine. Our eyes meet, his are sparkling with lust, his lips swollen from my kisses.
“You’re not leaving me?” I bring myself to ask the big question. His lips form a grim line, his cheeks redden in anger.
“I’m never leaving you,” he growls, the sound coming deep within his chest. “I’ll follow you everywhere you go, protect you at every turn. I love you. Nothing will change that.”
“I thought you weren’t coming back,” I tell him honestly, wanting to keep us on the right path of trust this time.
“I’m sorry. Everything really did take longer than I thought, considering we’re still missing the main key points of evidence. I couldn’t call you even if I wanted to.” His hands move to cradle my face. “Nothing could keep me from coming back to you.”
“I love you,” I tell him, meeting the intensity of his gaze. It’s apparent that’s all he was waiting for. His lips dip down to mine, soft and strong, taking his time. When he pulls away, he brings my body into his. My arms circle his neck, holding him close in the hug and comfort I’ve been needing. Just past Jay’s shoulder, my eyes catch quickly to the window of Señor Locos.
A shimmering form of Blake appears. He offers me a smile that speaks more than words. Love, sadness, understanding and finally a blessing. The Open light clicks off and he disappears. My eyes squeeze shut against the tears threatening to spring free. He’s gone.
Sensing the change in my body language, Jay carries me to the passenger seat and sets me inside. I buckle myself while he hops in and drives us back to the apartment. Inside, my boxes sit in the living room taking up space. I don’t officially move to campus for another two months, but I can’t stay here anymore. Too many memories and I want to start fresh. I have a new apartment waiting off campus that I was able to move into. I’ll be fresh and ready by the time spring semester starts.
Jay says little about the move as we lean against the kitchen counter. “UNLV, for sure?” he asks, his brow lifting in question.
After everything that happened, I was surprised, too. I swore I’d never return to that city. Shortly after though, I had a dream where I was wearing their white college sweatshirt and Blake’s arm was around my shoulder while he joked at Jay’s expense. It was a sign I needed and I signed my acceptance papers sending them along with the tuition money the next day.
“Yup,” I tell him, feeling confident in my decision. “Now you’ll have to see me all the time since we’ll be in the same city.”
“I can’t wait,” he answers, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I wanted to show you something. Now that Blake’s murder is closed, I pulled this from evidence.”
Jay hesitantly pulls a plastic bag from inside his jacket pocket. I recognize the phone immediately with its pizza slice phone cover. Jay pulls it out, powering it on. I stop breathing when it flares to life. A picture from our last Christmas together is still his screen saver. Jay opens the call log before handing the phone to me.
B outgoing 5/28/19 0:02
McJ outgoing 5/28/19 0:17
“He called you, too,” I say. My eyes studying the screen.
“When we were at Scar, I started to piece together the time frame Seth was trying to feed us. He did leave Vegas when Blake did. Blake never went to the meet house. He came here, stashed the evidence and called me. I lied when I said all I heard was a scuffle because it was built of Seth’s lies and I needed him to think we thought he was right,” Jay explains, wincing.
“What did Blake say then?”
“Second star on the right and straight on.” Jay shrugs. “It was jumbled. I thought at first he was already drugged at this time and wasn’t in his right mind. Until we looked more at timing. I think he was just rushed. The call to you was after the drugs were in his system.”
“When he knew he was dying,” I finish. Taking a deep breath, I let the thoughts swirl inside. “He was giving you a clue to where the evidence is,” I tell him. Jay’s head snaps up, his eyes locking with mine.
“Second star on the right and straight on is a location,” I explain.
Jay’s eyes glaze over and he frowns in concentration. “Like a map?”
I laugh. “No, my brother was not that creative. I’m surprised he even remembered the line from the movie. It’s Peter Pan.”
Jay stares back at me at a total loss. “You’ve never seen it?” He shakes his head, I sigh.
“It’s the way to Neverland,” I tell him. Jay looks frustratingly at me. I can see when the understanding crashes into him. “The treehouse,” he mutters. “Is it even still there?”
I shrug. “I haven’t been there in years,” I tell him. “If anything, it’s a pile of wood by the tree.”
Jay whips out his cell phone. “It’s me. Get evidence and patrol to the Ramirez ranch. I’ll meet you there in twenty.”
We quickly dart back out to Jay’s truck and take off toward Sarge’s home. I lead Jay and the squad cars to the edge where the treehouse used to stand. After years of being abandoned, it’s now overgrown with ivy. The bottom had caved out and the top smashed by a fallen branch. We wait while they search the area. My pulse zings with adrenaline that after all this time it had been hiding here.
“Found something!” a voice yells from inside the structure. The female officer slides back down the trunk, a black duffle bag in her hands. It’s placed on the ground where it’s photographed before opened and the contents taken out. Three plastic bags are placed next to the duffle. From where we’re standing, it appears to be flash drives in one, picture prints in another, and a cell phone.
“No fucking way,” Jay breathes out in relief next to me.
“That’s what you were looking for?” I nod toward the scene.
“You have no idea.” Jay shakes his head, a grin pulling at his lips. “This is going to change everything.”
My heart
races in excitement. “Way to go, bro,” I whisper into the air, my eyes roaming over the remains of the treehouse. Part of me wonders if he knew Jay would find me and I’d figure out his message. Another part wonders if he knew he wouldn’t make it out alive that night. A small slice of my heart feels comforted knowing he came here in his last few hours. A place that once brought joy. When times were innocent.
“They’ll take it back to the lab and go over it. Our IT department will have to pick apart every frame and detail on those devices,” Jay mutters.
“That sounds time consuming,” I respond.
Jay’s fingers scratch at the sides of his scalp. “Would have been better to have this five months ago. I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner.”
“You didn’t know about the treehouse,” I remind him, hoping to help ease the burden he feels.
Jay nods, turning to look at me thoughtfully. “Let’s head home.”
I smile, looping my arm through his. Jay brings me back to the truck and we ease away from the scene that is now roped off. He laces his fingers with mine on our drive back, cranking up the stereo as we go. After one song turns into another, I start to recognize the lineup, “The World I Know,” Collective Soul.
Jay grins, gripping my hand tighter. “Blake made me one too.” He hits the eject button. The silver disc slides out. My brother’s handwriting scrawled To McJ over the front. I laugh. “He had the best taste in music,” Jay says, pushing the CD back in to play.
I lean my head back, letting the lyrics settle into my heart, and I breathe in the night air. Ed Roland’s vocals create chills down my arms. I squeeze Jay’s hand, my feelings brimming over. A new normal is about to start. The world I previously knew has changed for the better. I’ll forever miss my brother and I’m forever thankful for the life he gave me. We’ll meet again someday. I’ll make him proud and honor the sacrifice he made. My brother, my friend, my protector. Tenderly, I remember the past.
“He was the best,” I agree with Jay.
The End
Four years later
“Well, I finally did it. Just like you imagined. I hope you know none of this would have been possible if it weren’t for you,” I tell the whitewashed headstone at my brother’s grave. The sting of tears is fresh behind my eyeballs. I let my fingers run over the black lettering of his name. “I can’t believe it’s almost been five years,” I murmur to myself.
Nearly five years have passed since the most devastating day of my young adult life. Now at almost twenty-three, I’ve lived my life the second chance it is, and it’s all thanks to the two most important men in my life. My eyes flash over the grey rock and find Jay’s while he waits for me, leaning against his new car. Suit coat and tie flapping in the breeze. The man can pull off a suit and I’ve been lucky enough the past few years to appreciate him in all his glory.
Jay stayed in Las Vegas while I worked on completing my degree in the social services field. After everything Blake, the guys, and I went through, I knew I needed to do something to help other children and families like ours. My dream is to fix the foster care system and give children a better fighting chance. Jay is my biggest support and was behind me every step of the way. I lived on campus for one semester before he moved my stuff into his new home off-campus. It worked out perfect for us and any time he was away on a case usually coincided during my finals. I chalked this up to my brother watching over us.
“I’m scared to leave,” I add, glancing back down at the headstone. “I love him and I’m scared to leave, but I know if I don’t take this chance I’ll never feel that I did enough for these families.”
A month before graduation, I was offered a job through the same company I had completed my internship in. They were opening another branch, the only kicker was that it would require moving to Pennsylvania. I jumped at the chance to take it.
“He barely batted an eye,” I confide in my brother. “He just told me to follow my dream. It’s every girl’s dream, only now I’m wondering if I was too hasty making this decision.” A single tear falls now and I brush it away quickly. My black robe blows in the breeze around me, spinning the silver thread of the tassel in my hand. “I know you’re not really here, that you’re off somewhere in peace… I just… I wanted to say goodbye for now. I’ll come back to visit, I promise. I love you and thank you so much.” More tears slip out, my hands dive to my cheeks to wipe them away as I back away from Blake’s resting spot.
No one ever said moving on would be easy. As time goes by, the gaping wound in my chest has shrunk and been repaired with a different kind of love. Knowing today was going to be my last day in Nevada was crushing. Good and bad memories bent with new and old and twisted around inside my heart. I find Jay’s eyes again, his are soft as they watch me approach. He knew today was going to wreck me again even though it was also one of the happiest days of my life. In true Jay form, he was picking up from my lowest simply by loving me.
“You good?” he asks once I reach his side. His voice is gravelly and instantly gives my body the good kind of chills. His hand reaches for mine and he pulls me to him until I’m standing between his legs. I nod my head and lean forward until my forehead rests against his.
“This is harder than I thought it would be,” I confess, my shoulders slumping. My body seeks Jay’s and the comfort he gives.
“He’d understand, baby,” Jay tells me before pulling back and using his fingers to lift my chin. “Blake wanted nothing but the best for you. And no one says this is permanent. If you want to change jobs in a few years and move back or move anywhere else, as long as it’s for you, he wouldn’t have minded.”
I nod. “I know, it’s still hard. I’ve never lived anywhere but here.”
“You’re going to be amazing,” he tells me, placing a soft kiss on my lips.
My body sagging back into Jay. The words I’ve been holding onto for a month now are bursting to get out. I’m scared to see his reaction though. “I don’t want to leave you,” I tell him my biggest confession.
Jay’s body turns to stone and for a second, I’m paralyzed with fear that he’ll be mad or upset with me. I didn’t give him a chance to really weigh in on my decision to leave. I more or less told him what I wanted to do and asked for his blessing. Jay’s been unusually quiet about it. He’s been more intense with my body like he’s saying goodbye. I just assumed we’d make long-distance work for a few years, but we hadn’t had the conversation about it.
“Do you mean that?” he asks, peering down at me. His eyes are intense, mixed with love, fear, and determination. I’m speechless, only managing to nod my head again.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he questions, moving our bodies so we’re standing. His gaze slants down.
“I was scared,” I admit, feeling ten shades of foolish at the same time. “I really want this job, Jay. I also want you. I don’t know how to ask for both.”
He exhales loudly, his whole body loosening on a giant sigh. “I was waiting to do this after your graduation ceremony today, but…” Jay reached into his front coat pocket, my heart stops and stammers before restarting. He pulls out a folded paper and hands it to me.
“What is it?” I ask, taking it from his fingers. I turn it over and read the words. My eyes snap to Jay’s face, looking for any signs of a joke.
“It’s a one-way ticket,” he clarifies, his gaze holding mine. I feel warm everywhere, a happiness starting in my toes and blossoming within my chest.
“You’re coming with me?” I gasp, throwing my arms around his neck.
“I put in my transfer request a while ago.” He nods. “Lucky for me, a member of the Philadelphia team was retiring and they were willing to take me as a transfer.”
“Oh my god,” I breathe against his neck. “This is legit? We’re going.”
Jay nods, his arms holding me tighter. “I love you. I couldn’t not try.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask.
“We didn’t really
talk about it.” He loosens his grip and pulls back. “I wasn’t sure you wanted me to follow you.”
My throat clogs with emotion while my smile continues to get bigger. “I want to be anywhere you are,” I tell him. “This is perfect.”
“We should probably get going then,” Jay announces, looking once more at the watch on his wrist. He helps me back into the car and we pull away. My eyes stay on the cemetery for as long as I can see it. Jay squeezes my hand reassuringly. I realize that I feel lighter and I’m actually looking forward to graduating and getting on the plane this evening. We got this. Jay’s phone rings through the car, and he stills when he sees the name pop up.
“You’re talking again?” I ask, tilting my chin. T. Nich flashes again.
“He’s coming around.” Jay shrugs, a hint of a smile plays on his lips.
“Well, he’s only ignored you for two years,” I answer, smiling. Men are sometimes just as bad as women with their drama. “You better answer.”
Jay sighs, his finger hovering over the green answer button. “Before you overreact—”
Jay’s cut off by Trent’s swearing and yelling. I raise my eyebrows, laughing quietly. It’s going to be a long drive.
Scar (Trent’s Story)- Winter 2020