by L. A. Fiore
Tilly watched his truck, her eyes fixed on the spot long after he disappeared. Alone in that parking lot, she let it out, all that she’d held back, watching as her something wonderful drove out of her life. Only then did she start up her car. She went back to her life, not the same woman she’d been, but no one noticed.
Gage didn’t go home that night. There was too much swirling around in his head. There’d be no way he could mask the feelings that lay in his chest. He stayed in a hotel only thirty minutes from his house. The next morning, when he walked into his house, the heavy weight still on his shoulders, his wife had already left for work.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Maybe we could go to dinner.” Tilly woke up early to talk with Luke. Three days after saying goodbye to Gage, three days of living with an aching hole in her chest, she knew she needed to make some changes. Things had been good between Luke and her once; they could be again.
Luke turned from brushing his teeth, eyeing his wife from head to toe. He grinned around his toothbrush. “Where would you like to go?”
“Anywhere. I’d just like to go out...with you.”
Luke finished brushing his teeth, dropped the toothbrush on the counter before turning to her and pulling her close. “How about Friday?”
Tilly stiffened a bit, the memory of Gage’s arms around her still fresh in her mind. She felt like a traitor, pushed the thoughts back, but she didn’t let them go. She had to, but she just wasn’t ready yet.
“Friday sounds perfect.”
He kissed her, not long, not lingering, before he walked from the bathroom. She caught her reflection in the mirror, not understanding how no one else could see the pain behind her eyes, or the guilt; because even trying to make things work with Luke, her heart longed for someone else.
Friday was crazy, but she managed to block some time to go shopping. She bought herself a new dress and sandals. She showered and dressed, put on makeup and fixed her hair, straightening it with the flat iron. She was hopeful, desperately wanting to reconnect with Luke...wanting to find their way back to each other.
“Mom!” Ashley shouted before she appeared in the doorway, all flushed. “You didn’t bake the cookies for the choir party.”
“I know, but I bought some. There’s a tray on the table.”
“But Mom, I told everyone about your chocolate chip cookies.”
“I didn’t have time, Ash. Those are from the bakery. They’re very good.”
Ashley huffed out a breath and walked out of the room.
Tilly finished dressing, walking downstairs to see Ashley on her phone. She didn’t even look up when Tilly entered the kitchen. That annoyed her, but she tried to remember how it felt to be fourteen. She moved to the fridge and yanked open the door for a bottle of water when her cell went off. Even now, her heart leapt thinking it was Gage.
“Hey babe. I’m going to be late. The guys want to get a beer.” Luke said in way of greeting.
Tilly thought she misheard him. She closed the fridge door. “We’re going to dinner.”
Silence greeted that before Luke exhaled. “Shit. Sorry, Tillian. I forgot. Can we go another time? It was a shit day. We need to commiserate.”
Justin walked into the kitchen, carrying a mountain of laundry. “Mom, I need these washed; I have no clean clothes,” he said, moving to the mudroom and dropping his laundry on the top of the washer.
“Tillian?” There was an edge of impatience in Luke’s voice.
She looked down at her new dress, the hour she took to get ready, and he hadn’t even remembered.
“What’s for dinner?” Justin asked, yanking open a cabinet looking for something to eat.
It all bubbled up. Luke’s neglect, her kids expecting what they did of her, the loss of Gage...the one person who saw the woman in her.
“Enough!” Her sharp voice had her kids’ heads snapping to her. “Go have fucking drinks with your friends. Commiserate away.” Her eyes jerked to Justin. “Wash your own clothes and make your own dinner. You’re fifteen, figure it out. And Ashley, a thank you for the cookies was all you needed to say.”
“Tillian—”
She cut him off. “I’m going out. Don’t wait up.” She disconnected the call and grabbed her keys and purse.
“Mom?”
She stopped at the mudroom door, looked back at her kids and their bewildered expressions. “I do for you because I want to, not because I’m expected to. You both need to learn the difference.” Then she walked out, the door slamming in her wake.
She drove. Didn’t have any idea where she was driving to until she pulled into the park. Shutting off the engine, dropping her hands into her lap, she looked out at the metal awning, the table where she’d sat with Gage. Her heart hurt; she hadn’t meant to lose her temper, hadn’t meant to take out what she was feeling on her kids. They took her for granted, but she was partly responsible for that. What had her sitting there was the pain in knowing she was married to a man who no longer saw her. And the one man who did, he belonged to someone else. The tears started, filling her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t know what to do, had very few options, but she knew she couldn’t continue the way she was.
_______________
Tilly finished boxing the last of the crafts, and loaded the boxes in her car. She’d drop them off at the local day care. She’d ordered a desk and chair, would move her laptop from the kitchen. A week after she flipped out on her family, ten days after she’d said goodbye to Gage, she’d taken her design for the patio she wanted to a local landscaper. She sat in her car in the parking lot and battled tears because he was always there...in her mind, in her heart. She missed him. Every damn day she reached for her phone, ached to know how he was, to hear his voice, to see his face. She didn’t, she never gave in to the need, but she wanted to so damn badly.
The design she had drawn up for her yard was one heavily influenced by Gage’s work. She did it on purpose. She couldn’t have him in her life, but she could be reminded of him every time she sat on her patio. She didn’t give a shit how that made her sound. She gave him up, she walked away from something wonderful, but she wasn’t going to tuck him in a box and pretend he didn’t exist, that he hadn’t changed her. He’d claimed a piece of her, and she knew she’d claimed a piece of him.
The owner of Shady Meadows Landscaping had been so impressed with her drawing, and because he recently lost his own designer to maternity leave, he asked her if she’d be willing to work up another image for a project he was working on. It had only been a week, but she had already completed two designs. She loved it, loved the challenge, loved that it was something that was hers.
Tilly stopped dusting her office and stepped up to the window. She wouldn’t be here if not for Gage, and all he’d done was make her realize she was more than what she had settled for. He made her believe in herself.
Justin popped his head into her office. She looked up and smiled. “Hey.”
He stepped into the room, leaned up against the wall, pushing his hands into his pockets. Tilly gave Justin her full attention.
He looked around her office before lifting his eyes to her. “You were right with what you said last week. You’re always doing stuff for us. It’s nice you have something that’s yours.”
Love moved through her. “I do enjoy it.”
“You can tell. You’re happier than you’ve been.”
Her heart twisted. She could admit now that she’d been unhappy for a while, even more so the last three weeks, but she’d tried to keep her feelings from her kids. A childhood should be one of exploration and discovery, not worry over the emotional needs of your parents...not like what she’d lived through. She hadn’t been so successful keeping her feelings in check last week, evident in Justin being here now, but he was right, being needed for more than carpools and lunches, she was finding her happy.
<
br /> She walked to Justin but resisted touching him. “You and Ashley make me happier than I can say. You know that, right?”
He rolled his eyes. “Mom, yeah.”
“But I like finding where I fit, finding something that I can continue when the house is empty, and I no longer have bake sales and soccer banquets to plan.”
“I’m happy you have that too.”
At times, she saw Justin as the little boy he had been. Her shadow for so long. She loved that he was growing up, but she did miss her little boy. Silence settled between them, but plenty was said.
“Later, Mom.” He turned and walked out of the room.
It was as close to ‘I love you’ as he gave. Tilly’s heart was full as she returned to her dusting.
“What’s going on here?”
Tilly’s head jerked to the door half an hour later to see Luke leaning up against the doorjamb.
“I’m making this room my office.”
Luke reached for his phone and asked absently, “Why do you need an office?”
Tilly sucked in a breath because she knew Luke was opposed to her working, but she had come to realize it wasn’t just loneliness she felt. Outside of her children, Tilly wanted to have a purpose, a goal. Candice was right. When the kids were gone, what did she have left? If she could find fulfillment in a job, her husband should support her. Gage would have.
“I’m going to work up designs for a local landscaping company.”
Luke’s attention shifted to her. “Since when?”
“Since I hired them to do work in our yard, and they liked what they saw.”
“We talked about this. The kids are your priority.”
Tilly wasn’t going to take the bait and fight with him. She needed this, and frankly, if he knew her at all, he would know it. “It’s only a few designs. Nothing big.”
Her hope was it would turn into a full-time position, but she didn’t share that because part of what was motivating her was the realization that she was completely beholden to her husband. She had no way of supporting herself and that could make a person feel not just helpless but trapped. If she learned nothing else from her time with Gage, she’d learned that she deserved more. She deserved to be happy, he wanted that for her, so she was taking steps to get there.
He studied her for a minute, his expression softening. “You look happy.”
She almost laughed. She wasn’t happy; outside of her kids, she struggled every day with finding happy, but this job was a step in the right direction. That he noticed at all surprised her. How far they had fallen. At one time, they knew each other inside and out, every expression, and now, he could look at her and not seen the pain, the loneliness, the longing. It was for the best because it wasn’t for him that she felt those things.
She held his gaze and lied, “I am.”
“That’s good.” He said, tenderness in his voice that was jarring to Tilly because she hadn’t heard that in his tone in a long time. The moment didn’t last when he added, “As long as it doesn’t keep you from your responsibilities here.”
Tilly bit her lip; the one eighty from him had harsh words rushing up her throat but she choked them down. She had to remind herself that Luke hadn’t changed, she had.
“I’m working later, pulling an all-nighter.”
There was a time those words would have made her sad, now she felt relief. “Dinner is almost done.”
“Okay.” Luke said, and started from the room but stopped and said, “Don’t wear yourself too thin, Tillian.” It was like being on a rollercoaster, tenderness to irritation to concern. “You’re already pushing it.” He looked up at her and smiled. “Maybe instead of drawing, you should treat yourself and hit the gym.”
He walked away before she could respond, not that she had a response. It wasn’t just anger that burned through her, hurt was there, too. Most of it was directed at Luke, but there was some reserved for her. She was the one who allowed her life to become this. Had she never met Gage, she’d still be content with the crumbs her husband dropped. She wasn’t content anymore. She was downright unfucking satisfied, but she could do something about that. This was her life, and damn it, she wanted more.
_______________
Gage walked into the bank, eyes moving around to find his wife.
“Hi, Gage,” Sandy said as he moved to the counter.
He gave her a chin lift before he asked, “Where’s Heather?”
“Oh,” she expressed. “You just missed her, she went to lunch with Warren and Maryanne.”
Gage nodded, patted the counter and offered. “Thanks.” He started for the door, stopped and asked. “Where?”
Sandy waved a hand toward the left. “The sandwich shop down the road.”
Gage started for the door again. “Thanks,” he shouted, before exiting the building.
In minutes, he was entering the shop and zeroing in on his wife. He stood still for a second watching her. A smile that he hadn’t seen in years filled her beautiful face. Her body moving in a language he didn’t understand anymore. As he moved toward her, her eyes caught him, her head swinging back to meet his eyes.
“Hey.” She said when he reached the table.
“Hi, Gage.” Maryanne greeted. “You joining us?”
Gage shook his head and looked back to his wife. “Can I talk to you?”
“I’m Warren,” The man who was sitting at the table rose, hand out.
Gage’s eyes moved to him, he didn’t offer his hand, just a chin lift. Again, he asked his wife. “Can we talk?”
Heather’s eyes scanned the eyes staring at her. Warren took his seat, Maryanne reached for her iced tea. “Sure.” Heather lifted from her seat and told the others, “Give me a minute, please.” Her coworkers hummed their responses.
Gage snatched her hand and guided them outside. He didn’t stop until they were away from the front of the eatery and next to his truck. “You forget or just don’t give a shit?” Gage bit out, releasing her hand.
“What are you talking about?” Heather asked, confused. Gage let out a sarcastic breathy chuckle. “Oh,” Heather drawled when realization hit. “I’m so sorry, honey. One of the programs at work went down and things got hectic and I totally forgot.”
Gage nodded. “Yeah.” His head was still moving. “I get it, Heather. But just remember I’m the one making an effort here, yeah?”
She lifted her arm, a hand going to his forearm, she gripped it. “I’m sorry, Gage, I am—”
Gage shook his head before he started. “Two fucking weeks, Heather, I’ve tried to get you to go to dinner with me. When that wasn’t working, I tried for fucking lunch. Jesus, you blew off my concern about Letty never being home, you didn’t even go to the movies with me and her the other night. This morning, I left you a damn note that I’d pick you up at one for lunch today and—”
“I told you, honey, I forgot.” Her hand squeezed his arm for emphasis. “As for what you said about Scarlett the other night, it’s a stage. She wants to be with her friend.”
He ripped his arm from her grip. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Gage spat out. “She’s staying at Rachelle’s cause we are falling the fuck apart. Our family is falling apart, Heather. Are you that blind? Or do you not wanna admit it?”
“I’m trying to have a career, Gage,” Heather grated out, her eyes moving to see if anyone was watching them. “Scarlett is doing just fine. Sharon told me her grades are wonderful, and she’s a pleasure to have around.”
“Jesus,” Gage grumbled loudly. “Her own mother is sitting here telling me she’s okay with another woman raising her daughter.”
“That’s not what I said,” Heather rebutted.
“Listen to yourself, it is, Heather.” Gage shook his head in disgust. “I don’t know what the fuck else to do here.”
“As for
us—” Heather started.
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Gage swung his arms out wide. “If I stamped your bank logo on my fucking cock, you’d find it.” Gage huffed, turned and opened the driver’s side door. He folded in and looked at Heather. “Enjoy your lunch,” he snapped before shutting the door, starting up his truck and taking off.
He was only seconds down the road before she was there. Then again, she always was. Fuck. He missed Tilly.
_______________
“Alright, dish.” Candice said, reaching for her glass of wine before pulling her legs up under her on the sofa.
They were at Candice’s. It was a Saturday night, and instead of spending it with her husband, he was working, like practically every other weekend. The kids were off with friends, but Tilly couldn’t stand being in the empty house with her thoughts. Three weeks had gone by since she’d talked to Gage. Three weeks since that day. Instead of it getting easier, it was getting harder. It was to the point that she had to talk about it. A part of her could admit she needed to know if what she was feeling, what she wanted so much to do, was wrong. Because it didn’t feel wrong.
“Does this have to do with that guy?” Candice asked, taking a sip of wine. “Whatever happened to him anyway?”
Tilly’s glass stopped midway to her mouth. “How do you know something happened?”
Candice leaned up, reached for a cracker, pointed it at Tilly and said, “For the fact you pretty much just admitted something happened with that response. You’ve been edgy lately.” She popped the cracker in her mouth, chewed and added, “Short tempered. Not like you.” She leaned back and smiled. “So tell me. What happened?”
Tilly drained her glass before she placed it on the table and stood. She couldn’t stand still, so she started to pace. “Where the hell do I start?”
Candice’s eyes went wide. “From the beginning.”
“We texted.”
“I know that.” Candice said before taking a sip from her glass.
“We talked on the phone.”
Candice placed her glass down. “Like how often?”