by Lily White
It was instantaneous, the transformation, the audience disappearing the moment my fingers pounded the first chords. Retreating to a place inside my head, I let the music pour through me, all my heartache, my frustration, my victories and losses bleeding into a song that represented my soul.
I saw my mother dying as my fingers ran across the keys. I heard my father screaming for his wife as my wrists snapped and my hands came down to violently pound out the chaos and discord. I heard Lennon whispering to me in the moments he rode my body, his voice as dark and beautiful as the slowest measures, his face as captivating as the melody.
Sweat trickled down my temples as tears welled in my eyes, my body moving in time with the frenetic music as I lost all sense of my surroundings until the last notes hovered through the auditorium, an echo of exhaustive sound.
Pure silence met me when I stood from the bench to face the audience, a few stunned claps transitioning into a loud crash of applause, the entire audience pushing to their feet on a standing ovation.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t see a single face in the audience, only the outlines of their bodies, the occasional flash of light glimmering off a woman’s gown.
All I wanted was to see Lennon staring up at me, but the stage lights were too bright.
Once the applause had died down, I exited the stage to stand next to the student Julia has chosen.
Silence was awkward between us, but eventually he blew out a breath and turned to offer a handshake. His brown eyes met mine, a smile pulling at his lips. “Uh, yeah. If they don’t choose you after that performance, the judges are all idiots.”
I laughed, thankful for the comic relief that helped ease my nerves.
Prior to the official announcement on stage, Julia and Mrs. Crux approached us twenty minutes later.
“As a courtesy,” Julia explained, “we like to let both of you know who won before it is announced.”
She turned to me, her eyes beaming with pride. “Amelia Dillon. Congratulations, sweetheart, you’ve won a scholarship to Hastings.”
Her student shook my hand one more time before walking off backstage while Julia and Mrs. Crux walked onstage to make the announcement. At the sound of my name, the audience broke out into another round of lively applause, a crescendo of sound meeting me when I walked out to face the audience and take my final bow.
My lips hurt from smiling, my eyes frantic to find one familiar face in the crowd. After searching for what felt like forever, I finally met a pair of proud blue eyes, Lennon’s hands coming together to applaud me where he stood among the audience.
To say my heart exploded with love would be an understatement. I was practically drowning beneath the unrelenting waves of how much I felt for that man.
He was the only person I wanted to run to, my body stilling in place for only a few seconds before Julia directed me offstage, back where the audience could no longer see us.
“So,” she said, a smirk pulling at her lips. “You were the inappropriate student after all? I had my suspicions, but then saw Jillian in the room with him.”
Although I wanted to continue the conversation, I was too excited to see Lennon to stand still. “Thank you for everything, Julia, but I need to go find him. If it wasn’t for him this summer, I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
She laughed, her hand fluttering over the bodice of her gown. “Young love. Run along, Amelia. We’ll talk again before you leave to start school.”
Flashing her a huge smile, I walked as fast as I could in my three inch heels, my hand gripping the skirt of my dress to hold it up and keep from tripping.
As soon as I burst through the doors of the hallway leading between backstage and the auditorium, I pushed myself even faster until I turned a corner to see the crush of bodies moving toward the exit doors.
I’d thought for sure Lennon would have been waiting for me here, but maybe he’d been caught in the crush. Not wanting to get lost, I stood in place for at least fifteen minutes, my heart jumping into my throat when a hand landed on my shoulder.
Spinning to look at Lennon, I couldn’t hide the surprise on my face to see Ben’s grey eyes staring at me instead.
“Congratulations, Sis. I always knew you had it in you.”
I had no idea my brother would be here. “Ben? Oh my God...”
Wrapping my arms around him, I let him pull me in tighter for a hug, his cheek resting against my head for just a few seconds before he pushed me away to hold me at arm’s length.
There were actual tears in his eyes, pride radiating in his gaze as he stared at me.
“You look. Ah hell, Amelia, you’re all grown up.”
Laughter floated over my lips. “Um, thanks?”
Shaking his head, Ben wrapped an arm over my shoulder and began leading me to an exit. Pulling back, I glanced out toward the main auditorium to see that it was almost empty.
“No, Ben. I need to wait for Lennon.”
Frantically, I searched the room, looking for any sign of the man I couldn’t live without.
“Amelia,” Ben said, his hand cupping my cheek to turn my eyes back to him. “Just come with me, okay?”
“But-“
“Everybody’s outside,” he said, cutting me off. “Come on.”
Shaking my head, I smiled. “You’re right.” More than likely, Lennon had already headed out to meet me by the car.
Allowing Ben to lead me through the exit doors and into the back parking lot, I headed in the direction of where Lennon had parked, only to have Ben pull me back.
“Hey, stop for a second, Amelia.”
His voice was careful, soft...as soft as the afternoon I’d come home from school and he’d grabbed me before I could walk down the long hall of our house to find out mom had died while I’d been gone.
Ben had been the one to break the news to me that day, and the expression on his face now was just as conflicted, just as careful as the day he’d told me about mom.
“What’s going on?”
A tick of his jaw and Ben cursed beneath his breath, his gaze flicking over the parking lot before meeting mine again. “He’s a coward, okay? A fucking bastard, but he cares about you, Sis. He sought me out for you. I mean, me, you know? A guy he last saw as we were pounding our fists into each other’s faces.”
Heart sinking into my feet, my bottom lip trembled.
No...this couldn’t be-
Lennon wouldn’t -
Would he?
Barely a whisper, Ben explained, “He said it would be easier this way. That if it wasn’t a clean break, neither of you could have walked away. He said you have a future to focus on and no man should threaten that.”
Tears sprang from my eyes, Ben’s expression twisting with anger and pain to see them. “Amelia, don’t cry...”
“He left me?”
How the fuck could he do this?
“That’s it? He’s just gone?”
No. I refused to believed it. Refused-
My body collapsed against Ben, the sobs erupting from my chest so violent that a keening noise echoed across the parking lot that I didn’t recognize as coming from me.
Brushing his hand down my hair, Ben kept whispering, kept trying to make me understand.
“I’m sorry, Amelia. But he’s right. You need to go to Hastings and show the world how amazing you are. Your lives are going in two different directions and-“ Another growled curse word, his arms tightening around me to hold me up.
“He loved you, which is why he had to go.”
It didn’t matter what Ben said to me, didn’t matter that Lennon had sought him out to be here and make sure I was okay. As he kept talking and telling me about how he’d grabbed my boxes from the house after Lennon and I left, I only partially understood his words.
It’s hard to listen when you’re shattering apart, hard to accept that just when life has handed you your dreams, it would take another part of you that was necessary to survive.
They say
when one door closes another one opens...I just never knew it would destroy me to walk through that new door and lose all that mattered behind the other.
“Come on. I’ll drive you home.”
Shaking my head, I nearly fell down onto the ground, my body too weak to move, my brain too scattered to believe Lennon was really gone.
Eventually, Ben picked me up and cradled me against him, his lips brushing my forehead with a soft kiss, his arms tightening around me as he whispered once again.
“I’m so sorry, Amelia. But you have to move forward, you have to understand that he’s doing this for your own good.”
My own good…
I almost laughed to hear the phrase.
If Lennon wanted what was good for me, he wouldn’t have walked away without a word to leave me broken.
If he’d wanted what was in my best interests, he wouldn’t have allowed me to fall in love with him, only so he could rip my soul from my body and leave me in a state where I couldn’t breathe.
Amelia
Five months.
That’s how long it took for me to gather the pieces back together of my shattered heart.
That’s how long it took for me to only vaguely understand why Lennon left the way he did.
Five months.
And in that time my life had changed drastically. I’d left Florida to attend Hastings. I’d moved into the conservatory dorms to meet a new friend who became my second half. I’d learned that while Lennon had walked away without so much as saying goodbye, he continued paying for my father to stay in a nursing home without one word to either Ben or me about it.
Every day, I wanted to hunt him down and demand he remove himself from my life entirely, yet every day I realized how stupid I would be for making the demand.
I could go to school without worry because of him. I could show the world that I deserved the scholarship I’d been given.
In those five months, I’d not only proven myself as an accomplished and disciplined pianist in a school meant for the elite, I’d somehow managed to secure a spot as first in my class, a virtuoso that the other students looked up to.
They said the pieces I played sounded different when elicited by my hands.
Soulful.
Brilliant.
Perfection.
They saw the stories I told them when my hands touched the piano, but despite their praise I couldn’t tell them I was bleeding on the inside, hemorrhaging my pain onto the keys.
Why is art and music always better when the person who creates it is broken?
Not that it mattered. The one person whose opinion I wanted would never be around again to hear it.
“You dressed? We need to leave if we want good seats. I’m sure the auditorium will be packed.”
Tying my shoe, I lifted my head to watch Constance step out of the bathroom, her long blond hair knotted at the name of her neck, a simple flower patterned sundress showing off a body I would kill for.
Her green eyes met mine, a wicked grin pulling across her lips. “Maybe if we hurry, we can sit next to Thomas and Jon. Those two are so damn fine, I can barely keep my eyes off them in class.”
She leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. “I think Jon has the hots for you, by the way. I keep catching at him staring at you whenever we walk by.”
Laughing, I straightened my body on the side of the bed. “You can have him. I’m not interested.”
I pushed to my feet and she wrapped her arm with mine as we left the room. “One of these days, you’re going to tell me why you’re so turned off by men. If you’re not careful, I’m going to start thinking you bat for the other team and you’re secretly in love with me.”
Shaking my head, I kept my eyes trained down the hall. “I don’t bat for any team. I’m just focused on my future. If I can graduate Hastings with honors, I can secure a seat with a symphony and make something of my life.”
Just like Lennon wanted.
Just like he’d intended when he left me without saying goodbye.
Did I understand his reasoning? Of course. But that didn’t mean I had to like it.
“Woman, you need to live a little while marching ahead. Have fun. Be young and stupid every once in a while.” She hit the button to call the elevator. “And for the love of all that’s holy, get a little dick before you’re too busy to enjoy it.”
“I’m busy now.”
“Yeah, but not as busy as you’ll be later on in life when you’re traveling and playing in front of massive audiences.”
Dropping the conversation, we made our way to the auditorium. The stage curtains were closed and students milled about finding seats next to their friends. Constance and I took a programme from the girl handing them out at the door.
Early enough to grab a spot near the front, we dropped our weight into our seats, my eyes scanning the list of alumni who would be performing.
Constance whistled softly. “Damn, these are some heavy hitters. I didn’t know all of them graduated from here.”
Today’s performance was a myriad of different instruments and talents, the musicians well known within the industry. Scanning the list of names, I was surprised to see Julia’s name listed as a pianist. She hadn’t emailed me to let me know she’d be here.
Time passed quickly, the auditorium growing quiet as the lights above our heads dimmed and the stage curtains opened.
Jeffrey Deitz, the program coordinator for Hastings stepped on stage dressed in a tailored black suit. An older man, he had silver peppering his black hair, the look giving him an air of dignity and refinement.
Explaining that today was a selection of notable Hastings graduates, he didn’t talk for long before introducing the first performer, a cellist who landed first chair in the New York Symphony.
The piece was somber, something I didn’t recognize but pulled at my heart regardless. No matter how often I tried to get past everything that had occurred over the summer, I couldn’t seem to stop going back to those nights Lennon and I spent alone.
I wasn’t sure any man would ever compare to him in my life. Wasn’t sure there would ever be another person who perfectly harmonized with the music I carried inside me.
Lost to my thoughts, I wasn’t paying attention as the performances continued forward, the music a mix of styles, the musicians all insanely talented.
As we were nearing the end of the show, the stage lights went dark, the auditorium bathed in pure darkness. Around us, students whispered and murmured, all of us believing something had happened and the power had gone out.
But then the first few notes from a piano echoed through the dark room. Quiet and tranquil, the piece one I recognized from the scholarship program over the summer.
Debussy’s Clair De Lune - the first song I had played for Lennon in class, a melody that transported me back to a day I would never forget.
As the piano kept playing a piece that hushed the whispers among the students, a single spotlight grew brighter over a piano at center stage, my eyes drifting to the musician whose head was bowed over the keys.
“Who the fuck is that guy?” Constance whispered against my ear. “Holy shit, he is hot as fuck.”
I couldn’t answer.
Couldn’t think.
Couldn’t move.
Not with my heart splitting to pieces again. Not with my pulse pounding a soulful beat in my throat.
I would recognize the style of his clothes anywhere. The dark length of his hair. The hands that could master any instrument he was given as expertly as he’d mastered my body.
Lips parting as Lennon continued playing a piece I now knew by heart, I couldn’t stop the tears from welling in my eyes.
“Hey,” Constance nudged my shoulder, “You okay?”
I shook my head, still not able to find my voice.
The bastard.
How fucking dare he agree to this while knowing I would be in the audience?
The song came to an end and Lennon stood from the piano. Dr
essed in a white jacket, a bow tie and those damn suspenders he’d used to tie me up and drive me insane, he bowed when the students applauded his performance, his eyes scanning the audience until locking with mine.
I saw pain flash across his expression, his gaze unmoving, blue eyes that had taught me how to feel something in life.
It was all too much, and before I knew what I was doing, I pushed up from my seat and shoved past the students to get to the aisle, Constance calling out my name as I practically ran from the auditorium.
Before pushing through the side doors, I glanced back to see that Lennon was watching me leave. Not caring that the entire auditorium was staring my direction, I shove through those doors and began making my way through the halls.
By the time I turned left and was nearing the exit doors, I heard a familiar deep voice call out to me, the heavy beat of boots pounding the floor in chase.
No. He couldn’t do this to me. He wasn’t allowed to show up and remind me of everything I’d lost just so he could walk out of my life again.
I kept running, but my feet weren’t fast enough, my body wasn’t strong enough to outmaneuver the man that ran after me.
“Damn it, Amelia, stop.”
Lennon’s hand locked around my arm. Before I could break away from him to keep running to my dorm, he pulled me back and spun me to push me up against a wall.
His scent washed over me as he caged me with his arms, blue eyes meeting mine with so many emotions rolling behind them that I couldn’t focus on just one.
“Why do you always make me chase you?”
He was breathless from running, his lips tipping up at the corners to form a smirk he had no right using against me anymore.
Glaring up at him, I shivered to be this close, pain and anguish gripping my heart to feel his heat brush over my body.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that I thought you enjoyed running considering how fast you bolted out of my life when the summer ended.”