by Sherri Hayes
Right on time, the door to her office opened and a woman at least twice my age walked out followed by Dr. Katlin. The lady looked as if she’d been crying. My gaze followed her to the door as she exited the room.
“Are you ready for your appointment, Anna?”
My gaze snapped back to Dr. Katlin and I scrambled to my feet. “Yes. Yes, I’m ready.”
I walked two steps, and then glanced back at Stephan. He gave me a little nod. I took a deep breath, then followed Dr. Katlin into her office.
The first thing I’d noticed about Dr. Katlin’s office was how colorful it was. My previous therapist, Dr. Perkins, her office was full of beige and tan and white. Even the paintings that hung throughout the office were rather plain. That was the complete opposite of Dr. Katlin’s office. Everywhere you looked here there was color. Even her couch was a mustard yellow. The only non-colorful things in the room were her large wood desk and the cream-colored carpet.
I took a seat on the yellow couch and waited.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Good.” I paused, looking down at the notebook on my lap. “I . . . I wrote some things down.”
Dr. Katlin crossed one leg over the other and got her pen ready. “I’m all ears. What would you like to talk about?”
Opening the notebook, I decided to start at the top of the list I’d made. “Logan and Lily came to visit us this weekend.”
“They’re friends of yours?”
“Of Stephan’s.”
She scribbled something down in her notes. “They’re not your friends, though.”
“Lily is my friend.” I picked at the tangled edges of the paper. “They’re getting married and they want us both to be in the wedding.”
More writing. “I see. And do you want to be in their wedding?”
“Yes.”
“But?”
Sometimes I didn’t know which one was better at reading me or probing for answers, Stephan or Dr. Katlin. “There will be a lot of people there. I don’t do well around people.”
“When is the wedding?”
“They’re getting married on Christmas Eve.”
She nodded as she wrote. “Have you talked to Stephan about your fear?”
“Yes. He says we’ll work on it.” I looked down at my paper, not really seeing it. “I just don’t want to have a panic attack and ruin Lily’s wedding.”
“When was the last time you had a panic attack?” Dr. Katlin asked.
“Forty-one days ago.”
Her eyebrows rose. “You recall the exact day?”
I nodded. “We were packing up to move and one of the guys from the moving company startled me. I’d been focused on what I was doing and didn’t see him.”
“According to Dr. Perkins, most of your panic attacks over the last couple of years have happened when you’ve been caught unawares. When you’ve been in a situation where you didn’t expect there to be a lot of people or loud noises.”
This was true. Stephan and I had even gone to the mall a few times and I’d been okay. Of course, he hadn’t left me alone any of those times. “Stephan won’t always be with me at the wedding.”
More jotting of notes. “Before our next session, I want you to think about different scenarios you might find yourself in at a wedding. Close your eyes and think about each one of them and how you might handle them. Write down the ones that cause you the most concern and we’ll see if we can find ways to help you work through them.”
“Okay.”
We moved on to a few other things I’d written down. She was right. It was easier talking to her if I had the topics written down in front of me. Otherwise, most of the time I couldn’t think of anything.
I knew our session was almost up when she placed her notes on the table and uncrossed her legs. “Was there anything else you’d like to discuss today?”
I pressed my lips together debating whether to ask her my question. She’d met with both Stephan and me that first time and we’d talked about our relationship. While she seemed to be okay with Stephan being a Dom, we hadn’t discussed any details yet. I didn’t know how she’d react.
“This is a safe place, Anna. No judgement.”
“I think . . . I think I want Stephan to spank me.”
She was quiet for a long moment. “And he doesn’t want to spank you?”
“No. I mean, I think he does. He’s spanked submissives in the past.”
Dr. Katlin looked confused and I knew I wasn’t explaining very well.
“I saw Logan spank Lily once and I . . . I had a panic attack. A bad one.”
Realization dawned on her face. “How long ago did this happen?”
“About four years ago.”
“Four years is a long time.”
“I know.” Unease settled in the pit of my stomach.
She rested her hand over mine for a brief second before removing it. “Is this really about wanting Stephan to spank you or is it about something else?”
I felt tears prick my eyes. “I know he holds himself back for me and I don’t want him to. I want to be able to give him everything and I . . . I can’t.”
“Anna, I don’t know you or Stephan very well yet, but I don’t get the impression that he’s unhappy with your relationship.” She paused. “Are you unhappy?”
Shaking my head, I knew I needed to explain myself. “Stephan loves me. I know that. But he has a playroom I can’t enter and that isn’t fair to him.” I wasn’t sure I was making any sense or if she’d understand what I was trying to say.
“You’re not allowed in his playroom or you choose not to go in?”
“I’m afraid.” I looked into her eyes, willing her to understand. “I’m always afraid.”
It was a truth I hated to admit. Anytime we introduced something new to our sex lives, it had to be done slowly because of my fear. Ian had tainted everything. He’d made something that was supposed to be full of pleasure full of pain and nightmares. I wanted so badly to get past it. All of it. That was why I was here. I didn’t want Stephan to only use his playroom as a place to store our toys.
“And you think getting Stephan to spank you would get you over some hurdle?”
When she said it like that it sounded silly. “Maybe.”
“My best advice is to be honest. Both to yourself and with Stephan.”
I was confused. “Honest with myself?”
She nodded. “I think you need to figure out why this is important to you. Is it because you want to make Stephan happy or is it something you want as part of your relationship?”
That made sense. Sort of.
“Why don’t you think about what I said, maybe talk it over with Stephan, and we can discuss it some more next week.”
I nodded and we both stood.
Stephan was right where I left him, sitting in the lobby outside Dr. Katlin’s office reading his book. He looked up when he heard the door open. As he did every time I exited a therapy session, he searched my features for any signs as to how it had gone.
Closing his book, he stood and took my hand.
“Have a good week, Anna. I’ll see you next Monday,” Dr. Katlin said as we moved toward the door.
One of the things I loved about Stephan was that he didn’t pounce on me the minute we left Dr. Katlin’s office. If I hadn’t shared how things had gone by the time we sat down to talk that evening, he would ask me about it, but he seemed to understand that sometimes I needed time to process my thoughts.
Today was one of those days. I wasn’t looking forward to coming up with scenarios where I might have panic attacks at Lily’s wedding, but I understood the reasoning behind it. I was better at dealing with things if I was prepared.
The real source of my contemplation, though, was what we’d talked about right before I’d left her office. Why was it important to me? And why couldn’t I bring myself to go into his playroom?
I didn’t have the answers to either of those questions.
St
ephan glanced over at me, his brow furrowing. “Everything all right?
That was the million-dollar question and I didn’t have the answer. It had been more than four years. Shouldn’t I be back to normal by now? I trusted Stephan completely, and yet there was so much we hadn’t done together. Things that I knew he liked—that he’d done in the past.
It would be easy to say I didn’t like them and move on, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t know whether or not I liked those things because we’d never tried them.
As much as I wanted to talk to him about it, I wanted to get my thoughts in order first. “Yes, Sir.”
Stephan
Brianna wasn’t talking to me and I didn’t like it.
She didn’t always discuss things right away with me after her therapist appointments, but today I could tell something was bothering her. We were both still trying to get used to this new psychiatrist and my trust level wasn’t the highest when it came to therapists to begin with.
Then again, my trust level with her previous therapist, Dr. Perkins, had never been high. The woman wasn’t my biggest fan, but I put that aside because she was helping Brianna work through her issues. That didn’t mean she and I hadn’t butted heads over the years, because we had. I was hoping that wouldn’t be the case with this one, but only time would tell.
Before leaving town, I needed to stop by the hardware store. If Brianna was going to practice driving, it would be good for her to have a course of some sort.
I parked the car in front of the store and turned off the engine.
“We’re going to the hardware store?” Brianna asked.
If it were anyone else, I would have asked if they wanted to wait in the car or go in with me. With Brianna, I already knew the answer. “I wanted to pick up a few things to help you with your driving.”
“Oh.”
I hopped out of the vehicle and went around to open her door. She stepped out and took in her surroundings. We’d been here once before, right after we moved in, but that was a month ago.
Hand in hand, we headed into the store. We weren’t more than ten steps inside before an employee approached us. “Anything I can help you find?”
“Yes, I’m looking for orange cones. Do you carry any?”
“All our safety equipment is in aisle twelve,” she said.
“Thank you.”
The cones were exactly where the woman said they’d be, along with reflectors, vests, hardhats, and a variety of other safety-oriented items. I released Brianna’s hand and grabbed five orange cones.
“Those will help me drive?”
I tucked the cones under one arm and began guiding Brianna toward the front of the store. “I’m going to set them up in the side yard so you can practice driving and parking.”
She nodded.
An older man was behind the register. He smiled at Brianna, but her only response was to inch closer to me. I hated that she was still afraid after all this time, but I understood. She’d been hurt. A lot. By more men than I cared to imagine. Her faith in humanity as a whole wasn’t all that high, especially when it came to those of the male variety.
Once the transaction was complete, I loaded the cones into the trunk and climbed into the car. Brianna was staring at the entrance to the store.
I reached for her hand and she turned to look at me. “May I go back inside?”
There was no way for me to hide my shock and it took me a moment to answer. “Why do you want to go back inside?”
She pressed her shoulders back. “To see if I can.”
“Okay. Sure. We can go back inside.”
Brianna shook her head. “I want to go inside. By myself.”
My hand froze on the door handle as I turned to face her. A trickle of worry ran down my spine. She hadn’t been anywhere outside the house by herself since I’d known her.
But even with my worry, logically I knew this was a step forward she needed to take. If she felt she was ready, I had to tamp down any fears I had and support her. “You have your phone with you?”
She nodded.
“All right. I’ll wait here.”
The muscles in her throat tightened and released as she went to open the door, her hand shaking. She glanced at me before getting out and I gave her what I hoped was an encouraging smile.
I didn’t take my eyes off her as she walked into the building and I lost sight of her. My heart was pounding with increased anxiety as I waited.
Less than five minutes had gone by before she reappeared, and I blew out a loud breath. Brianna was twisting her hands together in front of her, a clear sign she was nervous. She hurried the short distance to the car, opened her door, and climbed inside.
It was impossible to miss that she was trembling. Unable to stop myself, I circled my arm around her shoulders and pulled her toward me.
As soon as her body made contact with mine, all the tension released. She took several deep breaths. “I did it.”
I brushed the hair away from her face and tilted her chin so I could look into her eyes. They were glistening with moisture, but I could see the pride there, too. “You did.”
“I was scared.”
As nervous as I’d been, I was proud of her and I wanted her to know that. “You did good. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”
Her lips curved up into a smile. “I couldn’t have done it if I didn’t know you were out here waiting for me.”
“I’ll always be here waiting for you. Even if it’s not in a parking lot.” I pressed my lips to hers in a whisper soft kiss. “Are you ready to go home?”
She nodded. “Yes, Sir.”
Brianna was quiet on the ride home, but not in a way that I thought something was wrong. When we entered the house, she went right for her journal. I wanted to give her time to put all her thoughts and feelings down on paper, so the best thing I could do was get out of her way for a while. “Go write. I’ll be outside if you need me.”
I waited until she headed upstairs to the study before returning to the garage and retrieving the orange cones. Her car would be here the next day and I needed to determine the best use of the space we had.
It took me a lot longer than I’d planned, but eventually I mapped out a course for her using the cones, some trees, and some other natural landmarks. The area would allow her to practice and get comfortable behind the wheel of a car again before venturing out onto an actual road.
When I reentered the house, I could hear her talking to someone. Brianna didn’t typically talk to herself, so I assumed she was on the phone. Given it was Monday, my guess was that it was Cal. He knew she met with her therapist on Mondays and he made a habit of calling to see how it went. The man still got on my nerves, but we were civil with each other for Brianna’s sake.
Given the time, I decided to start making dinner. Brianna was extremely organized when it came to the kitchen. Every week she’d sit down and come up with a meal plan and grocery list. Luckily, on the menu tonight was stir-fry and I could easily accomplish that on my own.
I’d learned a lot about cooking from her over the last three years or so. First and foremost was to lay out all my ingredients before starting. Before Brianna, I tended to remove items from the refrigerator and cabinets as I needed them. This not only slowed the process down, but it also caused a problem if I had to spend five minutes looking for an ingredient while my food was burning on the stove.
With all my ingredients lined up on the counter, I set a pot on to boil for the rice and began chopping the vegetables. The rice was cooking, and I was almost finished with the vegetables when Brianna came down the stairs. I put some oil in the wok and began searing the meat. “Finish your call with Cal?”
She nodded. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”
I smiled and turned and turned the thin strips of meat so it could sear on the other side. “Have a seat. Dinner should be done in fifteen minutes or so.”
Reluctantly, she took a seat. I knew what was going through her head
. Brianna viewed cooking as her responsibility. Even though I often helped her here and there, the kitchen was her domain. That didn’t mean, however, that I couldn’t handle dinner myself from time to time.
“Tell me about your call with Cal,” I said. “Did he have anything interesting to say?”
She didn’t answer right away, which meant he said something she knew I wasn’t going to like. “He wasn’t happy I went in the hardware store alone.”
Ah. Yes, that did seem like something Cal would get riled up over. As protective as I was regarding Brianna, I also understood that she needed to push her boundaries and that meant taking some risks. Of course, if it were up to him, she would probably have joined a nunnery. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him to mind his own business.”
I couldn’t help the deep belly laugh that escaped as I dumped the vegetables into the wok. Brianna had picked up a lot of things from Lily and Jade over the last few years and one of them was her ability to put Cal in his place when he needed it.
Chapter 7
Brianna
I was about halfway through the book I was reading when I heard someone coming up our driveway. Stephan was upstairs doing research on Logan’s friend’s company for his meeting on Friday, but I knew he had to have heard it, too. Sure enough, a few seconds later, he made his way down the stairs.
“I do believe your car’s here.”
While we’d talked about me driving again, I guess I’d assumed I’d practice with his car. “My car?”
He motioned for me to join him as he headed toward the front door. “I called the storage facility yesterday and arranged for them to drive it down today. If you really want to get used to being behind the wheel again, then you should do it in the car you’ll be driving.”
That made sense.
Stephan held my hand as we walked out to meet the man who’d driven my car and another man who had driven a pickup truck. My hand tightened on Stephan’s as the man who’d been driving my car strode toward us. He stopped a little too close for my comfort and held the keys out to Stephan. “She’s all ready to go. I even gave her a checkup after you called me yesterday to make sure there were no issues.”