Change (Finding Anna Book 5)

by Sherri Hayes

  I finished reading her journal entry, and then set it aside. “I found us a wedding movie to watch tonight. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

  “What’s it called?” she asked in between bites.

  “27 Dresses. It’s a romantic comedy about a woman who’s been a bridesmaid twenty-seven times.”

  She looked at me in disbelief. “She’s been to twenty-seven weddings?”

  “That’s what the synopsis said. I guess we’ll have to watch and find out.”

  We finished eating our dinner, cleaned up, and got comfortable on the couch with Brianna tucked into my side. I scrolled until I found the movie and pressed play.

  As we watched, I tried to pay attention to potential scenarios that may crop up at Lily and Logan’s wedding. To my surprise, the movie wasn’t bad. Romantic comedies weren’t my favorite, but this one had some funny moments and the romance wasn’t over the top.

  Brianna didn’t take her eyes off the screen for the entire movie. She laughed several times and I even heard a couple of sighs. My girl was a romantic.

  She had a smile on her face when the credits began rolling. “I liked it.”

  I chuckled. “I could tell.”

  “What did you think?” she asked.

  “I thought it was pretty good for a romantic comedy. The scene where she tried on all those dresses was cute.”

  “That was one of my favorite parts.” She looked down, and then back up to meet my gaze. “That, and when he tells her he thinks she deserves more.”

  I lifted her from the couch and moved her so she was straddling my hips. “She did deserve more. She always put everyone else first.”

  Brianna nodded. “I didn’t like her sister very much.”

  “She did redeem herself a little toward the end.” I brushed the hair back behind her ears. “What did you think about the weddings themselves? There were the big receptions at the beginning.”

  “You’ll be with me at Lily and Logan’s reception.”

  This was true. And unfortunately, this movie hadn’t shown a lot of what happens behind the scenes between the bridesmaids. “I’ll see if I can find a movie that has some scenes of the bridesmaids getting ready. That might provide us with some situations that may arise.”

  I rubbed the small of her back, sliding my hands under the fabric of her shirt and reveling in the softness of her skin against my palms. Brianna leaned forward, resting her head on my shoulder. “I can’t believe Jade is going to have a baby.”

  Four years ago, Brianna jumping topics would have surprised me. Now, it was par for the course. When we were sitting in the evenings talking, she tended to say whatever popped into her head.

  “A baby will be a big change for them, but I’m sure they’ll adjust. I think Jade will be a fantastic mom. She keeps Cal in line.” I couldn’t stop the grin from forming.

  “He’s gotten better. I don’t think he hates you, anymore.”

  Her breath wafted over my neck causing other areas of my body to sit up and take notice. I ignored them, though. We needed to talk. The rest could wait. “He’s gotten better at hiding his disdain for me, but I don’t believe his opinion of me has changed all that much over the years. He’d still prefer it if you hadn’t chosen me.”

  “But I did choose you,” she whispered, her fingers tracing the collar of my shirt.

  I ran my hands higher up her back, stopping right below her bra strap. “Something I will forever be grateful for.”

  We sat there for a while holding each other before she spoke again. “What would have happened if Cal and Jade didn’t get married and her family found out about the baby?”

  “I don’t know. Families are tricky. Sometimes they don’t react rationally.”

  “Like Richard when he found out about me.” Her fingers were sending little shockwaves from my neck straight to my groin and it was getting harder to ignore. A simple touch was usually all it took from Brianna and I was ready and willing.

  To give myself a little reprieve, I picked up her hand and brought it to my lips for a kiss. “Yes, like Richard. People are shaped by their experiences and beliefs. Richard believed I was hurting women and given his profession and what he’d seen, he was outraged.” I lowered our hands but kept hers firmly laced with mine to keep the temptation at bay. “Jade’s family seems to have a view of what her future should look like and the type of man she should be with. Cal isn’t their first choice, so if they would have found out about the baby, it’s possible it would have caused a greater rift between Jade and her family.”

  She was quiet for several moments. “I’ve never been around a baby before.”

  I hadn’t really thought about it, but neither had I. Being an only child, there were no other children in our house and Richard and Diane had never had children of their own. I’d been around a few toddlers over the years, but never babies. “It will be a new experience for both of us.”

  Brianna pressed her nose against my neck and inhaled. “I love the way you smell.”

  My chest vibrated with amusement. “What do I smell like?”

  She hummed. “You.”

  That didn’t exactly answer my questions, but it was adorable none the same.

  “I told Dr. Katlin I drove around the yard last week.” We’d switched topics again without warning. “She said she was happy I was working toward driving again, but not to rush getting on the road until I felt I was ready.” Brianna glanced up at me, meeting my gaze. “She’s worried I’ll have a panic attack while driving and hurt someone.”

  “Is that what she said?”

  Resting her head back on my shoulder, she sighed. “Not exactly. She said there was no need to rush. That while driving was a good goal to work towards, she was more concerned that I focus on handling my anxiety in certain situations.”

  I couldn’t fault Dr. Katlin’s reasoning. It was rare for Brianna to find herself in a situation where there wasn’t someone to drive her where she needed to go, but there were times when she found herself in, what to her, was an uncomfortable situation that could easily spike her anxiety. Addressing that would make most of the normal tasks many people took for granted much easier for Brianna.

  Making her sit up so I could look her square in the face, I cupped her face. “You have come so far since the first day we met. I know you want to drive again and Dr. Katlin’s right, there’s no rush. But I don’t think it’s because she’s worried you’ll hurt someone.”

  “I could, though,” she whispered.

  “Yes, you could. So could I.” I ran my thumb over her bottom lip. “Driving comes with risks. All we can do is prepare ourselves the best we can and try to be as safe as possible.”

  She glanced down before meeting my gaze again. “I want to drive, but I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

  “I know, sweetheart.” I pressed my lips to hers in a barely there kiss. “That’s why you’re going to practice in the yard until you feel comfortable before going on the road, and even then, I’ll be with you until you feel okay on your own.”

  Some of the tension that had built up released from her shoulders. “I love you.”

  I grinned. “I love you, too.”

  The sweetest smile crossed her lips. “Can we play again tonight?”

  Tossing her onto the couch next to me, I climbed over her, pinning her down to the couch. “You want to play?”

  She nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

  As her eyes sparkled up at me with excitement at whatever I had in store for tonight, it was hard to believe this was the same woman who’d once feared anything to do with sex.

  Chapter 15

  Brianna

  I stood at the bottom of the stairs that led to the attic and willed myself to stay calm. It had been a week since I’d been in Stephan’s playroom and I couldn’t put it off any longer. Stephan was on the phone with Oscar going over the contract they were sending to Josh, so they would be a while. It was the perfect time for me to accomplish the task Stephan had set out for me
. But try as I might, I couldn’t get my feet to move.

  What had happened last week kept cropping up in my mind. I hated having panic attacks. I hated remembering.

  Dr. Perkins said that I had to face my fears in order to overcome them. It was the one thing she and Stephan agreed on.

  What Dr. Katlin would say in this situation, I didn’t know. While I liked her, I was still unsure how she felt about dominance and submission. As a concept, she seemed to be fine with it, but I’d learned that not everyone was okay once they realized Stephan was my Dom all the time, that it wasn’t only in the bedroom. She hadn’t asked me a lot of questions about our life together. At least, not about that part of our lives together. Then again, I’d only been seeing her for about two months.

  I realized I was stalling. Glancing down the hall, I imagined Stephan sitting there talking on the phone. I didn’t want him finding me still standing here at the bottom of the steps when he finished his call.

  Turning toward the stairs once more, I took a deep breath and headed up the stairs.

  The door was unlocked as it had been since he’d taken me up here. He said it was our playroom, but it didn’t feel that way. It felt like his. His toys. His room. His.

  Like before, the smell of leather hit me first. I got a hint of cleaning products, but it wasn’t as strong as the last time. The room was brighter than I remembered, but maybe that was because the sun was high in the sky and it was the middle of the day. Ian’s room was dark. It had no windows and almost everything was black or red.

  A shiver ran down my spine. I didn’t want to think about Ian or his playroom. Nothing fun happened in there.

  My gaze landed on the St. Andrew’s cross along the wall. Stephan’s cross was a light brown color, made of wood. Ian’s was wood, too, but it had been painted black. The other difference I noticed was that Ian’s had metal chains to hold the wrists and ankles. Stephan’s cuffs were made of leather.

  For some reason, I was drawn to them. I crossed the room and ran my fingers over the soft leather. Stephan usually used rope to bind me, but these cuffs didn’t feel as if they’d hurt. I doubted they’d dig into my skin like the metal would.

  A flash of being tied to Ian’s cross flashed through my mind for a second, but I pushed it away. I hated Ian. He may be dead, but I hated him. He’d taken so much from me—my freedom—my innocence—and even my ability to trust.

  He made me afraid and I hated him for it.

  The tips of my fingers brushed against the wood and I tried to think about the cross as an object of pleasure and not pain. More flashes came and they weren’t pleasant. I jerked as the memory of a whip with barbs on the end sliced through my back as my wrists and ankles were tied. Blood dripped down my back as pain seared through me.

  Then, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I’d felt his penis enter me. Not my sex, but my anus. I’d screamed and he’d laughed. I could still hear him in my ear.

  “Brianna?”

  I blinked and looked up. Somehow, I’d ended up on the floor, curled into a ball. Stephan was kneeling and looking at me, worry etched in his face.

  Scrambling, I crawled to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing tight. He circled his arms around me and settled me on his lap. I buried my face in his neck, unable to get close enough.

  “Shh. I’ve got you.”

  He rubbed up and down my back, soothing me, and eventually it worked.

  We sat there for a while until I calmed down. It was only then I realized that he was leaning against the St. Andrew’s cross.

  I looked up at it and he noticed. “It won’t hurt you.”

  “I know,” I whispered. When I wasn’t overcome with memories, I knew the things in this room wouldn’t cause me harm. The problem was that most of them were tied to a memory . . . a bad memory.

  “Tell me what happened.”

  “Flashback,” I mumbled against his neck.

  “Having to do with the St. Andrew’s Cross?” he asked.

  I nodded. “I hate that I can’t look at anything and not remember when it was used to hurt me.”

  He sighed. “I think we need to start disassociating these things from pain to pleasure for you like we did with the rope and with spanking.”

  That sounded good, but I didn’t know how he was going to do that.

  Instead of answering, he kissed the top of my head. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to order us a pizza and we’ll watch some Buffy.”

  I knew then how much my panic attack had affected him.

  An hour later we were huddled up on the couch eating pizza and I was trying to forget about what had happened in Stephan’s playroom. We were halfway through our second episode of Buffy when the phone rang. Stephan paused the television and went to answer it.

  Feeling better, I cleaned up the remains of our dinner and put the leftover pizza in the refrigerator before throwing the box in the garage. When I walked back into the house, Stephan was leaning against the kitchen island waiting for me. Something was wrong. His shoulders were stiff, and he stood with his hands in his pockets. He almost never did that.

  I went to him. “What’s wrong?”

  Stephan tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, but he didn’t speak.

  As the silence lingered, my anxiety increased. “Please.”

  He searched my eyes before releasing a deep breath and releasing it. “That was Emma on the phone.”

  The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Emma had been my lawyer during the trial, but I hadn’t heard from her in years. Once everything was over, I hadn’t needed her. I had no idea why she would be calling. “What did she say?”

  “She received a call from the prison.” His thumb moved back and forth over my jaw. I didn’t know if he was trying to comfort me or himself. “John was taken to the hospital with chest pains. They think he had a heart attack.”

  My heart was beating a mile a minute. I hadn’t had any contact with my father since visiting him in the prison with Cal. Finding out he may have had a heart attack sent mixed feelings through me. No matter how much I didn’t want to see him again, he was still my father. The thought of him dying sent a chill through me.

  Stephan placed a firm hand on my hip. “He’s stable for now. He had you listed as his emergency contact but had no valid contact information for you, so they called Emma.”

  I nodded, unable to form words. A good daughter would probably rush to his side, but I didn’t want to see him. Even after four years, I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done, or what he didn’t do. “I don’t want to see him.”

  Some of the tension left Stephan’s body and I realized that he’d been worried I’d want to go visit my father. He pulled me to him and pressed his mouth to my forehead. I closed my eyes and let the warmth of his lips flow through me.

  “It’s been a long day. The rest of the show can wait till tomorrow.” Without another word, he took my hand and proceeded to make sure the doors were locked and to turn everything off.

  Normally, he’d send me to the bedroom to get ready while he shut everything down, but tonight he kept me close. He followed me into the bathroom, brushing his teeth beside me and only leaving me alone long enough for each of us to use the bathroom.

  We both discarded our clothes and burrowed under the sheet. He circled his arm around me, pressing my back to his front as we laid on our sides.

  “I will always protect you,” he whispered in my ear. “Always.”

  “I know.”

  Stephan

  I didn’t sleep well. It was well after midnight before I relaxed enough to fall asleep. Even then, I kept waking up to check on Brianna.

  When I’d heard Emma’s voice on the phone, I’d known whatever she was calling to say wouldn’t be good. To be honest, my first fear was that she was calling to say John was being released for some reason. Brianna was getting her life back on track. She didn’t need to be looking over her shoulder, waiting for her father to turn up.


  Finding out he’d had a heart attack and was in the hospital, had sent my brain into overdrive. I ran through all the different reactions Brianna could have to the news, including wanting to go visit him. While I didn’t think that would happen, I’d been preparing myself, nonetheless.

  And even though Brianna had said last night that she didn’t want to see him, I was still uneasy about the situation. Not about John. I couldn’t care less about him. He could and should rot in prison for the rest of his days. I worried about Brianna and how she would react when, one day, we got the call that her father was dead. She still loved him. He was her father, after all. She just didn’t understand, nor did I, how he could have allowed her to be taken and didn’t even report her missing.

  At six in the morning, I gave up on sleep, put on some pants, and went to the kitchen to get some water. The sun was already up, so I headed out to the deck to get some fresh air. Brianna wouldn’t be up for at least another hour.

  I pulled out my phone and dialed.

  “Hello?” Cal sounded half asleep.

  “I figured you’d be awake by now.”

  A loud yawn came through the phone. “I am. Kind of. Is something wrong with Brianna?”

  “Yes.” I paused, letting that sink into his sleepy brain. Brianna had said he wasn’t a morning person. “Emma called last night. John was admitted to the hospital with chest pains. He has her listed as his emergency contact. They contacted Emma when they couldn’t find a current contact number for Brianna.”

  I heard him set something down, probably a cup of coffee, with a little too much force and mutter a curse. “How is she?”

  “Sleeping at the moment. She took the news better than I expected, but I’m not sure if that will change once the shock wears off.” As much as I didn’t like Cal, I didn’t doubt his commitment to Brianna or her wellbeing. He wanted her to be safe and happy, too. We just happened to have different ideas on what that looked like. Namely, he didn’t see me in that picture. “Are you and Jade free for dinner tonight?”