by A. M. Myers
Gripping the top of the steering wheel, I glance over at Izzy again. Her posture isn’t quite as rigid as it was before but her arms are still crossed and she won’t look at me, only flicking a quick glance in my direction before she turns away from me to look out of her window. With a sigh, I turn back to the road as my mind spins. As a kid, my parents were always this shining beacon of true love and despite our differences lately, they still are so when I imagined starting my own family, I figured it would be a woman who I was in love with, at the very least but now I’m here. What is raising a baby with Izzy going to look like anyway? In the six years since I first met this woman, she’s made it perfectly clear to me and anyone who will listen that she will never settle down with anyone so I can toss the idea of being married to my child’s mother right out the window now. My stomach twists at the thought as we near the turn-off for my place. I suck in a breath, trying to calm myself as my mind races with thoughts of only getting weekends with my kid, two Christmases, and arguing with a defiant baby mama for the next eighteen years.
That is not going to fucking work for me.
Sparing another glance in her direction, more memories from our weekend together pop into my mind, unbidden and completely unwelcome. But I can’t stop them as images of Izzy in the shower, water streaking down her olive skin, and a “come get me” look in her eyes bombard me before flicking to images of her completely naked in her kitchen, sitting on the counter and stealing kisses as I cooked for her. Then, there are the memories of us in bed together, not having sex, that sometimes seem like the loudest of them all - memories where we were just talking and laughing with each other. Fuck. In three days, she was able to burrow inside my mind in a way no other woman has been able to manage and I would find it intriguing if I wasn’t so damn annoyed by it. Gritting my teeth, I blow out a breath as I turn the truck down the gravel drive to my house.
I can’t be thinking about that shit now.
There is so damn much she and I need to figure out and the attraction between us is at the bottom of that damn list. We have to make our baby and keeping the two of them safe from this threat our priorities and maybe, when this is all over, we can explore other possibilities. I’m not getting my hopes up though.
Pulling up in front of the house, I park the truck and turn it off, peeking over at Izzy again. She’s restless, rubbing her hands down her arms and back up again as her knee bounces. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and she sucks in a breath, still refusing to meet my eyes and Ali’s words ring in my ears.
Don’t be too hard on her…
She has her reasons…
I would love to know more, ask her what Ali meant by that, but I don’t imagine that she’ll let me be privy to that information anytime soon. It occurs to me that in all of the time that I’ve known her, she’s never revealed anything personal about herself or her life to me - not even over our weekend together - and I can’t help but wonder what happened to her to make her so closed off.
“Are you okay?” Izzy says, pulling me out of my thoughts. Her voice is quiet and she still won’t look at me but at least she’s speaking to me now so I’ll take it as a win.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I tell her and she nods, hugging herself tighter as she continues looking out of the window at my house. “Let’s head inside. We’ve got lots to talk about.”
She sucks in a breath before squaring her shoulders and nodding. “Yeah, well, I’m still not wearing any damn shoes so I’m gonna need a little help unless you want me to slice my foot open on the gravel.”
Right.
Turning away from her, I shove the door open and step out of the truck before slamming it behind me and marching around the bed to retrieve her. I yank her door open and she still won’t look at me. The last thread of my patience snaps and I clench my teeth as I reach into the truck and spin her so she’s facing me. Her eyes finally meet mine, wide and full of surprise.
“Enough with the attitude. I’m fucking done with it, Izzy.”
She recovers quickly, rolling her eyes. “If you think…”
“Shut up,” I growl, leaning into the truck and planting my fists on either side of her hips. “I said I was done with the attitude and I fucking meant it but if you can be a fucking adult, I would love to go inside and discuss what we need to do for our child. Can you handle that?”
“That’s fine but I’m not…”
I can’t hear another second of her shit and since she refuses to cooperate with me, I’m left with only one option - slamming my lips down on hers. As part of my training to be a police officer, I had to experience being tased. It knocked me flat on my ass and I swear to God, kissing Izzy packs more of a punch than that thing did. It’s all-consuming, devouring me with its intensity, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to stop. My hand slips into her hair, gripping the back of her neck as I flick my tongue just past her lips, teasing the both of us with the promise of more. Her posture is tense but she’s not fighting me off which is a miracle in and of itself and I steal a few more seconds to add to my highlight reel. When I finally pull back, she releases a shaky breath and looks up at me with wide eyes, all traces of her defiance gone.
“What are you doing?”
I meet her gaze, my chest heaving as I struggle to catch my breath. “Shutting you up. Are you ready to go inside and discuss our situation now?”
Her eyes search mine and her lips part as the smell of her shampoo fills the space between us. It makes me think of waking up in the morning with her wrapped in my arms, her mane a wild mess of curls all over me. She’s so fucking close to me and there is an ache to reach out and touch her, feel the silk of her body beneath my fingertips but I hold back. Now is so not the time but I swear, it’s like she’s calling to me, pulling me in. Kissing her was a mistake.
Finally, she nods and her gaze softens, dragging me further into the depths. “The attitude is gone… for now.”
I take her by surprise, scooping her up into my arms without warning in an effort to hide my smile and stop myself from stripping her bare on the seat of my truck. She yelps, wrapping her arm around my neck and I almost turn back to the empty seat.
“Don’t you dare fucking drop me,” she seethes and I roll my eyes, thankful for the distraction. I knew the no attitude thing wouldn’t last long. I can’t be all that mad about it though. Izzy just wouldn’t be Izzy without her signature brand of sass but I don’t want her to know that.
“Again, shut up.”
She arches a brow and narrows her eyes. “Or what? You’re going to kiss me again?”
“You want me to kiss you again?” I ask, stopping on the front porch. Her eyes widen and her lips part as she stares up at me, almost in a daze and then, a second later, she scoffs.
“No.”
Liar.
I set her down on the porch and grip the top of her shoulders, turning her toward the set of French doors in front of us as I grin. “Go inside while I grab your bag from the truck.”
“Bossy son of a bitch,” she mutters as she heads inside. I watch her go, letting the door shut behind her before I walk back down to the truck and pull the duffel bag out of the back. Looking up at the two-story house I had built a few years back when we all moved onto this property, I suck in a breath. Time to get serious. Nodding, I brace myself for the conversation I know we have to have before marching up the porch steps and walking into the house. When I step inside, she’s sitting at the kitchen table with a piece of paper in her hands. She looks up at me and nods, that determination in her eyes again.
“Okay, so let’s do this then.”
I arch a brow. “Let’s do this?”
“Yeah,” she shoots back, nodding as she stares down at whatever is in her hand. “I’m sure you have questions and we both know this conversation is going to be awkward as hell so let’s just get it over with so we can move on.”
“Okay,” I answer, dropping the duffel on the floor. It lands with a thud and I walk across the room before
pulling out the chair directly across from her. As I sit down, she slides the paper in her hand across the table and I realize it’s an ultrasound of our baby as it comes to a stop in front of me.
“That was done at the hospital last night.”
I scoop it up, studying the grainy image of its little body. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
“I… I don’t know yet. I was waiting until we could find out together…”
“Really?” I ask, leaning back in my seat. “And how was that going to work if you were never going to tell me about the baby?”
She sighs. “I was going to tell you about the baby… today, actually… but then everything happened last night and…”
“How could you keep this from me for so damn long, Izzy?” I ask, looking down at the ultrasound again and wondering what it would have been like if I had been there from the beginning, watching our baby grow along with her. She sighs, shifting in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest again as she stares down at the table.
“I…” she starts before fidgeting in her seat again and sighing. “When I was eighteen, I got pregnant and I was… not in a good situation but I was determined to have the baby and make it work. Two weeks later, I was in class and I didn’t feel well…” She glances away from me, staring at the doors that lead out to the driveway but I can tell that she’s a thousand miles away. “The last thing I remember was trying to leave the room and when I woke up, I was in a hospital. They told me it had been an ectopic pregnancy and it had ruptured…” Her chin wobbles and she clenches her teeth as she turns to stare at the table again. “The baby was not viable and there were complications in surgery that led to a lot of scarring. Until I got pregnant with our baby, I wasn’t even sure that I could…”
As her voice trails off, I sigh, every cell in my body dying to get up and walk around the table to comfort her but she would hate it so I don’t.
“I’m so sorry, Izzy.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry for me,” she snaps, looking away from me as she reaches down and cradles her belly. “I just want you to understand why getting pregnant now… it threw me for a loop and I needed time to cope with the news. I didn’t know if I even wanted a baby because I spent so long thinking I couldn’t have one and I designed my life around that lie.”
“Are you saying you almost had an abortion?” I ask, my heart racing at the thought that she might have killed my child before I even knew it existed. She stares down at the table and nods. I’ve known my fair share of pain in my life but this… this is stronger than any other agony I’ve gone through and I grit my teeth at the thought that this baby was almost ripped away from me. “You had no fucking right, Izzy.”
“I’m not saying you didn’t deserve to be in on the conversation and I am truly sorry for that but I am the one carrying this baby so ultimately, it was my decision.”
I shove my chair back and stand up, running my hand through my hair as I pace back and forth, glancing at her and trying to understand what she was thinking. The thought of losing this baby that I’ve wanted for such a long time is unimaginable. My chest aches, my stomach twists, and my mind spins with the fact that I could have lost this. I clench my fist at my side and run my other hand through my hair again, giving it a tug.
“You should have told me from the very beginning, Izzy. I should have been involved in all this and it’s so fucked up that you kept this from me.”
She nods.
“Why? Why the fuck didn’t you just come talk to me?”
Her breathing stutters and I stop, mid-stride, as I turn to look at her. Tears are shining in her eyes but she refuses to meet my gaze, staring just past me into the kitchen.
“I was scared, okay?”
I round the table, a pang in my chest, and kneel down next to her chair before gripping her chin and forcing her gaze to mine. “I could have been here for you, Iz. We could have gone through this together and you could have leaned on me when you were scared. You didn’t have to be alone.”
“I…” she whispers, her eyes locked on mine and more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen her. Ali’s words ring in my head again and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she was right. Izzy has her reasons for everything she does, including the decision to keep me in the dark for so long. She opens her mouth again to speak and I hold my breath, hoping she’ll open up to me but the shutters come down, locking away her emotions as she presses her lips into a line and lifts her chin, defiant as always. “I’m fine. I can handle this on my own, which brings me to my next point. If this isn’t what you want, if having a baby wasn’t part of your plan, I’m giving you an out.”
“What?”
“You’re off the hook, Diego. I can handle raising this baby by myself so if you’d rather not be involved, that’s okay, too.”
I shoot up, resisting the urge to throw something as I turn away from her. “Shut the fuck up, Izzy. I’m not going anywhere and you will not shut me out again.”
“In that case,” she murmurs, grabbing my hand and I whip back toward her before dropping my gaze to our hands as she releases me. “I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. Do you want to come with me?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Silence descends over us again and I turn toward the door, needing a little fresh air and time to think because this fucking woman is about to do my head in.
Chapter Nine
Isabelle
“Kristen,” a nurse calls from the open doorway as she scans the waiting room. Her gaze drops to the patient file in her hand before she looks up to search the room again. “Kristen Moniz.”
A woman sitting next to the front door of the building stands up awkwardly, her large belly hindering her movements and when she finally manages to get herself upright, she lets out a heavy breath like she just accomplished a large feat. Although, with as far along as she is, I suppose she did. Our little baby fires off a couple of fierce kicks to my belly and I fight back a smile as I cover the spot with my hand. When Ali was pregnant with all three of her girls and nearing the end of her pregnancies, I listened to her bitch about her aching back, her sore feet, how often she had to get up in the middle of the night to pee, and how huge she felt for hours. Despite that, I’m so excited to get to that point. Not that I will revel in the aching back or the sore, swollen feet but just the thought of finally getting to meet my baby makes me feel downright giddy.
The baby kicks again and I move my hand to the new spot as thoughts of the baby I lost years ago pop into my mind and my chest aches. Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip to keep the tears at bay, I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly as I close my eyes. There are days when it feels like a lifetime ago that I said good-bye to a child I never got the opportunity to meet and other times, it’s like it just happened all over again and I’m right back in that hospital room, screaming for my dead baby. So many times I’ve wondered what he or she would have looked like, what their voice would have sounded like, and who they would be today but no matter what I do, I can’t picture them and it kills me. When I found out I was pregnant this time around, one of the first things I thought was that I couldn’t go through that pain again and it’s still something that scares the hell out of me. Each time I come in for an appointment, there is a part of me that’s holding my breath, waiting for the doctor to tell me that everything looks good and that my baby is alive and healthy.
“You okay?” Diego whispers, leaning close from his seat next to me so the other people in the room don’t overhear us and I nod as I open my eyes again, shoving the painful memories from my mind. He offers me his hand and I stare at it for a moment, my own twitching with the need to connect them. A flutter dances through my chest and I clench my fist instead as I glance up at him, my brow furrowed.
“What are you doing?”
He shrugs. “Offering to hold your hand… for support.”
“I don’t need support,” I scoff, turning away from him and crossing my arms over my chest as it aches wi
th my lie. “I can take care of myself.”
“Shut up, Izzy,” he sighs, pulling his hand back and closing his eyes as he leans his head against the wall behind us. I take advantage of the opportunity to study him as my thoughts spin. It’s been an awkward two days since our “come to Jesus” talk and we’ve spent most of our time avoiding each other as much as we could but that hasn’t been easy. Diego insisted on giving up his room for me and he’s been crashing on the couch, since his spare bedrooms don’t actually have any furniture in them, which means that I can’t leave the room without our paths crossing.
Which is a damn problem.
I don’t know what I expected when I agreed to come stay with Diego, not that I was given much time to dwell on the subject, but I’m not sure anything could have prepared me for hiding out in his bedroom for hours a day, wrestling with this constant desire to be around him. He took the news of becoming a father far better than I expected and I’ve been so alone in this pregnancy for so long that all I want to do is share everything with him, tell him all about the things he’s missed. My stomach twists. I could kick myself for how long I put off telling him about our baby and I’m not one to obsess over the past but if I could go back in time, I would do everything differently because Diego deserves better. Especially when he’s gone out of his way to keep me safe from Luca.
My mind drifts to the one other lengthy conversation we’ve had in the last two days in which he asked me to describe everything that happened in the alley on Friday night and informed me that when the police got there, the body of that man was gone. Luca and Gio apparently had time to get him out of there but the cops did find the pool of blood where he died as well as one of the knives that had been kicked under a dumpster in the struggle but other than that, you’d never even know anything happened. It’s unnerving how easy it is for someone to completely disappear with no trace and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll meet the same fate if those two are able to get their hands on me. I shudder, exiling those possibilities from my mind before they can torment me too much. Diego also described the scene he witnessed when he searched my house after Luca and Gio tore through there, looking for any sign of me or where I might have gone. The look in Luca’s eyes when I ran from him pops into my mind and all I can do is thank God that I had the sense to not go back to my place that night. A wave of nausea rushes over me and I turn away from Diego, chewing on my bottom lip as I mentally kick myself for my recent stupidity.