“Don’t you think I know that? I do, but I have to at least try. I’m just not ready to accept that he’s gone for good. It’s only been a month and a half. Maybe he just needed to get his head together and will be back when he’s ready.” Even as I say the words, I don’t believe them. In my heart of hearts, I know I’ve lost my best friend forever.
I head to my bedroom before the tears begin to fall, collapsing on my bed and staring at the picture on my nightstand. It was taken the summer before our senior year when Brock came to our family reunion. He and I were sitting on a blanket under a tree, and we were surrounded by little ones. My cousin’s two-year-old daughter Avery sat in my lap, and we were laughing because she shoved her lollipop in Brock’s face and it stuck to his cheek and hung there. The little stinker clapped and then farted in my lap.
All the little ones used Brock as their personal jungle gym, but he loved it. I rub my chest as pain explodes in it. Rolling to my side, I curl up into the fetal position and let exhaustion take me under.
My eyes peer out the passenger side window of Jonah’s car. “I can go talk to them if you want,” Jonah says from the driver’s seat.
I don’t turn from the window. “No, it should be me. Will you wait here? It might not sit well with them if you come to the door.” His sigh hangs heavy in the air. “It’ll be okay. I won’t go in the house.”
His hand reaches out, grabbing mine and giving it a squeeze. “I’ll be here if you need me.” I give him what I hope is a confident smile and then he lets go. Stepping out onto the sidewalk, I wipe my sweaty palms on the legs of my jean shorts. I slowly make my way up the sidewalk, trepidation filling me as I get closer and closer to the door. Just as I’m about to step onto the little landing, the door opens and his mom steps out.
I can’t hide my shock when I get a look at her. Mrs. James has always been willowy, but she’s painfully thin now. The shadows under her eyes are so dark against her pale skin. “Wh-What are you doing here Ripley?” Her voice is almost a whisper.
“Have you heard from Brock? Do you know where he is?” She doesn’t say anything, just wrings her hand together. “Please! I need to know where he is.” My eyes burn with unshed tears as I stare up at her.
“H-He j-joined the Marines.” Tears slip from her eyes and she looks at me. “He’s n-never coming back.” She turns and quickly moves back inside the house, shutting the door behind her.
I’m too stunned to move at first. I’m caught between screaming and crying, and a dull throb begins behind my eyes. This is it. It’s over. He left me and he’s never coming back. On that thought, I turn and slowly walk to Jonah’s car, and I’m about to reach it when I hear the devil himself.
“He left because of you. I hope you’re happy.” A door slams and my body jerks.
My arms wrap around my middle, and that’s when I feel myself finally break.
5
JONAH
FIVE MONTHS LATER
I finish drying off and step back into my bedroom to begin to get dressed. It’s Christmas Eve and I’m meeting Rip at her parents’ place for dinner. Ripley and I have stayed in contact since we both started school, but unfortunately we haven’t seen each other. Had I not being going to Wisconsin because of football, I would’ve definitely tried transferring to Western.
Being in love with someone who loves someone else is hard. What makes it even harder is when the other person is gone, but the one you love won’t let go. She’s become my best friend, so I’d never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I throw on dark grey slacks and a black button-up shirt, rolling the sleeves up my forearms. My hair needs to be cut and is getting unruly, so I rub some goop through it and style it just a bit.
Once I’m finally finished, I grab the two sacks of gifts for Ripley and her parents. I head downstairs and the house is completely empty; my parents are having dinner with some friends at the country club they belong to. They asked me to come with them and bring Rip, whom they both love—more than me, I’m fairly sure—but I told them we already had plans.
When I arrive at Ripley’s parents’ place, I grab the bags and head up to the door, which swings open before I can ring the doorbell. I can’t speak, which has never happened to me before. She’s standing in front of me looking as gorgeous as ever, but her eyes are vacant. Her lips are tipped up in a smile, but it’s nowhere near reaching her eyes.
She pushes the door open and rushes to me, throwing her arms around my shoulders and hugging me tight. “I’ve missed you,” she whispers against my ear.
“I’ve missed you too.” I follow her inside and then get a better look at her, noticing that she’s thinner than before. Ripley’s wearing a bluish-grey skirt that hits her mid-thigh and an off-the-shoulder shirt that is a swirl of creams, soft pinks, and the same blue-grey as the skirt. Her hair is pulled back from her face in little twists, and she’s beautiful, like always. “I brought gifts.” I hold up the bags and for a second, I see a little bit of joy in her eyes, but just as quickly as it came, it’s gone.
“Here, let’s put them under the tree.” Her mom and dad walk into the living room as we finish setting them up.
“Merry Christmas Mr. and Mrs. Brown.” Ripley’s mom kisses my cheek and I shake her dad’s offered hand. He offers me a beer, which surprises me since I’m not twenty-one yet. I decline because I honestly have barely drank at all since that night. It feels like it was so long ago, though it wasn’t, and I still feel like I was the world’s biggest asshole. Hell, I was the world’s biggest asshole. Alcohol only made it worse, and because of me and my stupid mouth, I ruined two people’s lives.
We sit together on the couch and talk about school and my first year playing football. Our conversation seems to be one-sided; Ripley occasionally answers, but other than that, she just smiles at me while I blather on. Her family starts arriving and I stick close to her as they greet us. I can tell some of them want to ask about Brock, but thankfully, they don’t.
During dinner, we sit with the kids in the living room. Ripley gives the first genuine smile I’ve seen all night as one of the little girls goes on about dresses, dolls, and makeup. Images of a little girl that looks like Ripley flash through my mind, scaring the shit out of me, and I quickly push them away.
We help clean up after dinner and then we sneak away into Rip’s bedroom. She flops down on her bed and I sit across from her at her desk. “I’m failing,” she whispers.
“Failing? Are you sure?” Rip was always on the honor roll in school, so this doesn’t make sense.
“Yep, and if I don’t get my shit together, I’ll have to repeat this entire year.” She covers her face with her hands. Her shoulders shake, and I know she’s crying. Without hesitating, I move to the bed, sitting down next to her. I wrap Rip in my arms and hug her tight as she cries against my chest. “I miss him so much. I want to hate him so bad for leaving, but every time I feel the hate come on, it quickly disappears because I remember how much I love him.” She pulls back and looks up at me. Even with tears streaming down her face and her makeup running, she’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
I try to stop myself, but I slide my hand into the hair at the base of her skull. She stares up at me, licking her lips when I lean down. In a slow glide, our lips touch, and then her tongue peeks out, touching mine. She’s a fucking amazing kisser, but a few seconds into it, we both pull back.
I try to find the words to express what I’m feeling. “Don’t take this the wrong way but…I’ve wanted to kiss you since the first time we met, but that felt like kissing my sister.”
She blinks up at me and then starts to laugh. “Oh my gosh I felt the same.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders and begin to laugh too as she says, “You’re my best friend you know that, don’t you?”
I look down at her. “Ditto.”
We head back out to the living room for dessert, coffee, and then presents. I bought her a pair of Uggs because she’s always complaining about how cold her feet are
, and she squeals and hugs them to her chest. I also bought her a personalized leather journal and a fancy ass pen that she loves.
She got me a Cubs jersey and a care package of all of my favorite snacks. I don’t stay too much longer because I have a busy day with my parents tomorrow. Her mom hugs me goodbye and thanks me for the Jane Austen collection I got her, and her dad thanks me for the tickets to the Cubs season opener. My dad’s always been a season ticket holder and will be out of town for that one, so was happy to give them up.
On the porch, Ripley wraps her arms around my waist. “Thank you for everything.”
“You’re welcome sweetheart. I’ll call you so we can hang out before I go back to school.”
“Okay. I love you Jonah.” I know she doesn’t mean romantically.
“Same.” She pushes up on her tiptoes and presses her lips to my cheek.
Pulling away from her house, I know I’ll always be there for her.
Little do I know, seven months later, she is really going to need me.
PART II
6
BROCK
SIX YEARS LATER
My mom’s done it. After all this time, she’s finally leaving my father—well, actually, she already left.
Over the past five and a half years, I’ve been in contact with my mom, though sporadically at best. We’ve had to time our calls around when my dad was either gone or asleep; she and I had better conversations when the threat of my dad wasn’t looming over her.
The first six months I was gone, I never called, but I did write one letter. I told her what happened the night of the party and explained my decision to leave and join the military. Once I was in, they learned very quickly I was good with a rifle, and then it was a natural progression to become a scout sniper. Over the years, I’ve been deployed three times and shot twice.
It’s still weird when people address me as Sergeant James, but it’s a title I’ve worked hard to receive. Tomorrow I begin my thirty-day leave, and when I get back, I’ll decide if I want to sign my EAS, End of Active Service, papers. I’m finally heading home for the first time in almost six years.
My mom’s been living with my grandparents for the past two months to save up for her own place while she went through with the divorce. Apparently there are some duplexes in downtown Aldridge that are cozy, affordable, and close to a lot of businesses, which is good because my mom doesn’t have a car. She sold it to help get a savings account going, and my granddad has of course been slipping money into her account since she finally announced she was leaving my dad.
There’s a chance I could run into her while I’m there. I’ve gone over and over in my head how I’d react if I ever saw Ripley again, and each time I get stuck. I’ve written her several letters since I left, but never sent them. How do you ask for forgiveness when you left the person you loved the most behind? The past few years, I’ve started dating; nothing serious, but it’s better than before when I was just looking for easy fucks all the time.
Tiffany is my current girlfriend. We’ve only been together a few months and she’s sweet, thoughtful, and good in bed, but there’s no deep connection. I know she’s looking for more, I just don’t know if we’ll get to that point. Right now she’s pissed I won’t bring her home with me. I don’t want her getting the wrong idea. She’s a sweet girl, and hurting her is the last thing I want.
I stop thinking about going home when I throw the tennis ball and watch my Great Dane, Tiny, chase it. Tiny was abandoned by his previous owner and I immediately snatched him up. He’s a great dog, very loyal, smart and obedient. Tiny’s the color that’s called blue but looks like a sleek grey, and his eyes are such a bright blue that they look fake. He’s making the trek to Illinois with me, and it will be the first time we’ve done a long road trip. It should take us sixteen hours to get there.
After playing catch, we head inside and I get us both some grub. I’m in the middle of packing when my doorbell rings, and I see Tiffany standing on the other side. I open the door, and the thought hits me that she’s the complete opposite of her. Where Ripley was petite and blonde, Tiffany is tall, brunette, and curvy.
“Hey,” she says as she stops in front of me. I kiss her cheek and wrap my arms around her. “I’m going to miss you,” she mutters against my neck. Guilt plagues me. I can’t say I’ll miss her too. Instead, I give her a squeeze.
“Do you want something to drink?”
She shakes her head. “I have plans, and you’ve got a long drive ahead of you tomorrow so you’ll probably want to get a good night’s sleep.” I don’t remind her that I’m a soldier and can do a lot on little sleep. That’s why my plan is to drive straight through, depending on how Tiny does, of course.
“Okay, well I’m glad you came to see me. I’ll call you when I get there.” I tip her head back and kiss her slowly and thoroughly, giving her a smile as I pull away. I brush her hair back and smile at her dazed look.
“Drive safe tomorrow.”
I watch her walk out to her car, and once she’s gone, I turn around. Tiny loves people, especially kids, but he does not like Tiffany. When she’s over, I swear he lays on his dog bed and pouts. I look behind me and he’s sitting in the doorway looking unimpressed.
“Yeah, I know you don’t like her. Well tough shit, boy.” He comes over and licks my hand before bumping it with his nose. I give him a good rub down and a treat then watch him walk over to his dog bed and flop down on it with a satisfied sigh. “You’re high maintenance, you know that right?” He gives me a woof before he finishes his treat and promptly falls asleep.
I actually go to bed early, but I don’t fall right to sleep. My mind whirls with everything that’s ahead, including seeing my mom and my grandparents again. If I see Ripley, I see her. Hell, she’s probably married by now. Oh God, what if she’s married? What if she’s got a family?
Those are my last thoughts as I slip into a fitful sleep.
I walk Tiny around the rest stop, letting him stretch his legs, eat and drink, then go to the bathroom. Because of Tiny, I split the drive into two parts. I did eight hours yesterday, and today we have about two more hours until we’re home. I spoke to my granddad already and they’ve got the spare bedroom ready for us. He tells me Mom’s been a nervous wreck all day. Even when the abuse was bad she tried to shield me from most of it, and she never failed to show me lots of love in her own way.
Back in my truck, Tiny curls up in the back seat and begins to snore. Music fills the cab as I drive down I-74, and I keep it loud to drown out my thoughts.
When I finally arrive at my grandparents’ house I’m hit with a sense of déjà vu. That night I showed up six years ago flashes through my mind, but just as quickly as the memories appear, I push them out. I can’t go there, not now. I climb out of the cab and open the back door, lifting Tiny’s ass out of the back seat.
“Oh my God you brought a small horse,” I hear my mom say as she rounds the truck. She gets down on her haunches and Tiny gives her love. As soon as her eyes land on me, they immediately fill with tears. She jumps up and runs to me, wrapping her arms around me tight. “My baby boy is home. I’ve missed you so much, son.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
She pulls back and smiles up at me. “Gosh, you’ve gotten so handsome. You’ve lost that boyish look, and you’re looking more like your granddad.”
One thing I notice immediately is how fantastic my mom looks. She’s got a glow, and her hair is pulled back from her face in a low ponytail. She even looks like she’s put on some weight, which makes me happy. With her arms around my waist, she leads me inside where my grandparents are waiting impatiently.
After hugs and introductions to Tiny, I carry my bags back to my room, set them on the floor, and sit on the end of the bed. My goal is to get my mom all settled and hang for a few weeks before Tiny and I hit the road again.
There’s a knock on the door and my mom pops her head in. “Do you have a second?”
“Yeah M
om, come sit. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to let you know six months ago I read in the paper that Ripley’s dad passed away. I don’t know how or anything, but I know he was there for you a lot and I thought you’d want to know.” She kisses my cheek and leaves me alone. My nose burns, but I push the sensation away.
My hope is that Ripley wasn’t alone when everything happened, that she had someone to lean on and support her. I remember I need to call Tiffany to let her know I’ve arrived, but I’m wiped so I just shoot her a text.
Brock: Hey I just wanted to let you know we made it. I’m wiped, but will try to call you tomorrow.
She answers almost immediately.
Tiffany: Okay, well I’m glad you made it and have fun. I’ll be thinking about you. XOXO
I empty my bags and put my clothes away in the dresser. I grab my Dopp kit and take it into the bathroom, setting it on the counter. In the living room I find my mom and grandma knitting, and warmth fills me. I watch them, looking so content as they chat away. Tiny’s in heaven already—he’s curled up at my mom’s feet, and I can see her petting him with her foot.
“Where’s Granddad?”
“He’s doing some woodcarving on the back porch. Go on back.” I move through the condo and out the French doors.
He’s sitting on the top step whistling as he uses his knife on the hunk of wood in his hands. “Hey old man.” I sit down next to him, pick up the other knife and piece of wood, and start working. Before I left for the service, Granddad taught me how to whittle. I can’t actually whittle shit, but I can zone out while I do it. It’s become my anxiety medication. If I’m feeling edgy, I just grab my wood and knife and lose myself to it.
Then There Was You: A Single Parent Collection Page 39