The past couple years, I’ve dated here and there, but never anything serious and definitely no sex. My focus right now is on my son, my job, and saving money so I can hopefully buy us a house someday. My mom put the money from my dad’s life insurance policy into a savings account for us, but I don’t want to touch that money; I want to save it for Alex when he goes to college.
My mom wants me to use it for a down payment for a house, and she’s wanted to get us out of this place for the past year. My dad wanted that too, before he passed. As a matter of fact, the other day she brought it up again, saying we should move before Alex starts school so he can continue going to the same school throughout and won’t have to switch.
Maybe I could at least start looking and see if I can find anything that piques my interest. I know wherever we move, I want a big fenced-in yard so we can finally get a dog.
After soaking for a little while longer, I rinse off. I step out onto the plush bath mat and dry off before throwing on my light cotton robe that is the color of emeralds. I wash the mask off my face and then moisturize. After throwing on a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top, I head downstairs to scan Netflix for something to watch. I decide to binge watch Grace and Frankie since Jessica told me how great it was.
In the kitchen, I make myself popcorn and grab my secret stash of individually wrapped Rolos. I place my snacks and my diet pop strategically on the coffee table and am just ready to hit play when my doorbell rings. It’s six o’clock, so I’m not sure who it could be, and hopefully it’s not my neighbor. Occasionally he stops by to see if Alex or I need anything, but only when his wife or whatever she is is gone. Now normally I would find this sweet, but he never looks me in the eye because he’s too busy staring at my breasts—creeper!
I look through the little window and my body locks up. The option to hide and pretend I’m not home is gone because he’s looking right at me. My hands begin to tremble and I shake them out before reaching for the doorknob. Exhaling loudly, I open the door.
“Hey.” God, I missed that voice. I’m plagued by memories of his whispered words when we used to lie in the back of his truck—plans for the future, our love, our future family. My mind pushes those thoughts out. Hey is all he can say to me after all this time?
“What are you doing here? How did you know where I live?” I narrow my eyes at him.
He rubs a hand over his brown hair, clearly nervous. Well, good; he should be nervous. “Whitepages…I just thought…I just thought we could talk. I wanted to see how you were doing.” Somehow he manages to make his way inside my place, shutting the door behind him. How the hell did he do that? I watch him move around my living room, staring at the pictures on the wall. I know what he’s seeing: some pictures of my son and me, but mostly pictures of Alex. “He looks just like you.” I almost don’t hear him say it. “When I saw him and realized he was yours, a part of me wished he was mine too.”
I stare at him, mouth wide open. “How dare you,” I hiss. “You’d want me to raise our child alone? You’d want our child to grow up knowing his father left us and never looked back?” His body jerks like I hit him.
“I know I lost the right to say that.”
“You’re damn right you did. Why are you here?” I ask, my tone pleading. Whatever he came to say, I wish he’d just say it and then get out so I can go on living my life without him digging up the past. Soon he’ll be gone again, and I refuse to let him back into my life just to watch him walk away again.
He turns to me, and it’s the first time I’ve been able to really look at him. He’s got more bulk to him than before, and his muscles are more defined. His hair is longish on top and shaved around the sides. He doesn’t have a beard, but his face is covered in dark stubble. His dark eyes are still surrounded by those thick dark lashes, and I hate admitting that he’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I hate him, I want him gone—and if I keep telling myself that, then I just might believe it.
“I don’t know why I’m here. I just wanted to see you, to talk to you. There’s so much I want to say.”
The blood rushes in my ears as my mouth opens and stuff just starts coming out. “When I woke up in the ambulance…alone, all I wanted was you. Why did you leave me? What the fuck did I do to you but love you?” His mouth opens but I hold up my hand. “I don’t want to hear it. It was an accident, I know it, and everyone does too, but instead of making sure I was okay, you ran. You. Ran. From. Me!”
I pace back and forth in front of him and feel his eyes following me. I’ve always been pretty laid back, but right now I feel my control slipping. I march over to him until we’re almost touching then lift both my hands and shove him as hard as I can. The man barely budges, of course. Dick.
Brock’s hand reaches out and cups my face. I should push him away right now and kick him in the balls, but his touch melts something inside me. His thumb gently strokes the bone above my eye, tracing the tiny scar I have there, and I watch his eyes turn glassy. “I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you. I can’t explain why I left, but I just had to.” He finishes in a whisper.
I jerk my head away from his hand. “You just had to?” My voice is barely louder than a harsh whisper. “You accidentally hurt your girlfriend, the woman you claimed to want to marry and spend the rest of your life with, and I had to wake up alone. I was so fucking worried about you.” I clench and unclench my fists. “They wanted me to file a police report but I refused, and Cale had to practically lie on top of me in the ER because I wanted to go to you.” I take a deep breath.
“Every weekend I looked for you. I went door to door, to malls, grocery stores, and any other places I could think of. Everywhere they let me hang flyers, I did. I became obsessed with finding you. I just wanted to know you were okay, wanted you to know I didn’t blame you.” When I take a breath, my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again. “When I finally went to your parents, I learned you had joined the Marines. Your dad informed me it was my fault you left and I should be proud of myself.
My throat burns with the rising of unshed tears, but I push past the pain. “Not once did you write me, not even just a quick I’m okay and fuck off. I got nothing. Do you know what that felt like?” I turn from him as the tears leak from my eyes.
Two strong arms wrap around me from behind and I begin to sob. The sounds coming from me are not quiet sobs—they’re loud, broken, howling wails. Brock lowers us to the ground when my knees begin to give out, and I’m situated between his legs. I cry until my voice is hoarse and my head begins to throb. His hand strokes my hair lovingly and I cry harder.
I shouldn’t allow him to comfort me, but I can’t bring myself to pull away either. “You broke me when you left,” I whisper.
He freezes for a second before continuing to stroke my hair. “I know. I’m so fucking sorry.” I ignore his apology, my sobs drowning any words.
I’m not sure how much time passes before my tears finally dry up. When they do, Brock lays me on my comfy overstuffed couch. With my eyes shut, I hear his heavy footsteps leaving, but return a minute later. My muscles lock up when a cold wet washcloth is placed over my eyes. Suddenly, the emotional exhaustion takes me under.
9
BROCK
Every time I pull the washcloth from Ripley’s swollen eyes, I cringe. It serves me right though; I had no business coming here. I should’ve let her be, let her live her life with her son. She seems happy, and now I’ve caused her more pain. Apparently that’s what I’m good at, just like my father. Sure, maybe I’m not exactly like him, but I’m obviously toxic to her.
While she sleeps, I can’t help but stroke my hand over her hair. She’s so fucking beautiful, and she still takes my breath away. When we used to lie in the bed of my truck and she’d be asleep, I’d watch her and thank the lord for bringing her into my life. I get up and move around her living room, taking in all the pictures. There’s one in particular that I’m drawn to. Her son is still a baby and they are both on th
eir stomachs, facing each other. They both have the sweetest smiles on their faces.
Jonah and a brunette are in quite a few photos. They appear to be together, but there are some of Ripley and Jonah where I’d almost think they were a couple. On her entertainment center sits a picture of Ripley and her dad; he’s holding the young toddler in his arms.
Curiosity gets the best of me and I move up the stairs. The first room I reach is obviously Ripley’s. Her room is a hodge-podge of furniture; nothing matches, but it works, giving the space a quirky look. It’s also filled with the scent of lavender, which was always her favorite. I back out before I get too nosy. Down the hall, I come to her boy’s room and smile. It’s all racecars. From his actual bed to his sheets and the decals on his wall, it’s nothing but cars. I back out of his room and head back downstairs.
Ripley’s still out and I know I should lock up and leave, but after the tears earlier, I can’t in good conscience go. I find her remote and turn the TV on, leaving the volume down low so as to not wake her. I sit down at the other end of the couch, picking her feet up and placing them in my lap.
She has Netflix so I start watching The Office, which was one of her favorite shows when we were younger. I slip off my shoes and rest my feet on top of her coffee table, and it doesn’t take long before I’m lost in the wild antics of the show. I get through the first season and Ripley still sleeps on the other end. On the coffee table, I spot a bag of Rolos and crack another smile. When we were together, she always had a bag of the individually wrapped caramel-filled chocolates on hand.
I grab the bag, pull a couple out, and unwrap each piece before popping them in my mouth and going back to watching the show.
My eyes flutter open and I hear Ripley’s soft voice. “Really? Uncle Jonah did that? That’s awesome baby. Did you brush your teeth?” A pause. “Good. Yes, I’ll brush mine too.” She has no clue I’m awake so I watch as she smiles, talking to her son. “I love you, too. Yes, Mommy will see you at breakfast. Okay Alex, let me talk to your aunt or uncle. I can’t wait to see you either.”
A warmth spreads through me because her voice is filled with so much love as she talks to Alex. My heart aches because that was a name we had picked out for if our first child together was a boy, along with Tyler, Cameron, and Brock Jr. If we had girls, they’d be Grace, Mara, Angela, or Mandy.
“Jonah, I swear you have to stop spoiling him.” Ripley lets out a soft laugh. “Oh I’m sure it’s all Jessica’s fault. You can’t say no to her either. No it’s fine, what’s one more Nerf gun in my house?” She pauses and looks up at the ceiling. “Yes, we’ll have another battle. No, we didn’t’t cheat. It’s not Jessica’s or my fault we found the best hiding spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I love you too. Yep, tomorrow at ten. Yes, I’m fine, it’s just a tickle in my throat.”
She hangs up and starts when I stand up from the couch. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
I hate that her shoulders immediately tense up. “Th-That’s okay.” Her eyes are still puffy, but not as bad as before. Without even thinking, I reach out and stroke my thumb back and forth over that puffy skin. Ripley’s eyes shut and she takes a shuddering breath.
“I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve left you in peace, letting you live your life.” Her eyes open and the fire is back in them.
First she knocks my hand away then she gets in my face. “Oh really? You should’ve gone and left me to live in peace? Wow, how fucking sweet of you. Thank you so much for coming back and stirring up all the thoughts of you in my head, and then I’m sure disappearing again.”
She reaches in between us and shoves me, hard. Tears spill down her cheeks, and I hate being the cause of them. Ripley shoves me again. I should stop her, but she needs this, and I need to at least give her something.
“I hate you,” she screams and shoves me again, “but I fucking love you! Why? Why do I still love you? It’s been six years.” My back hits the wall. I take everything she dishes out; it’s my penance for hurting her.
“I don’t know Rip. I don’t know why you still love me.” My voice sounds harsh in my own ears.
She looks up at me and looks so fucking sad. “Do you still love me?” she whispers.
What do I say? Do I tell her I’ve never stopped thinking about her, or that she owns a piece of my heart and I’ll always love her? No. Instead, I make sure I sever all ties. “No, I don’t love you anymore.” It hurts to watch her suck in a deep breath as her face pales.
“Get out.” Her words are quiet, filled with so much pain. “Please go.” Ripley’s voice quivers and her chin wobbling tell me she’s close to breaking, and I need to go before she does. I’m a fucking coward; I’m weak, and all I do is hurt her. She’ll be better off without me. Working my way around her I leave without looking back. I head outside. But a cry behind the closed door doesn’t go unnoticed. The sound so brutal I pause. Maybe I should burst through the door, and apologize for lying? Confess how much I love her… that I’ve never stopped loving her. Only I don’t do any of that. Instead, I do what I’ve always done. I run.
It’s not until I’m almost home that I realize tears are running down my face.
RIPLEY
Bam, bam, bam. My eyes flutter open and my head throbs. Why am I on my living room floor? Last night rushes back, and tears fill my eyes as I remember the way Brock said he didn’t love me anymore.
Keys in the door pull me out of my thoughts, and I’m just pushing myself up when Jonah comes rushing toward me. “Are you okay?” He scans my face. “Rip what happened? You look like shit.”
I move to the couch and sit down. “Brock came here last night. We had words, and I told him I still loved him. He told me h-he d-d-didn’t love me anymore.” I cover my face with my hands as the tears begin to fall again.
As Jonah wraps his arms around me, I fall into him, again needing him for something. When is he going to tire of all this?
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry.” He holds me for a while before I push gently away from him.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands and give him a smile. “I’m good. I’m okay. Where are Alex and Jessica?” I cough into my hand to clear the frog sitting in my throat.
“They’re at the restaurant. When you didn’t show up and I couldn’t reach you by phone, I ran here to make sure you were okay, which clearly you’re not.”
“I’m fine. I promise, this was good. I got closure, and now I can truly move on and stop holding myself back.” I’m hoping he believes me. “Let me jump in the shower real quick and I’ll come to the restaurant with you.”
I fly up the stairs, put my hair on top of my head, and jump in the shower. After the fastest shower in the history of the world, I hurry out and wrap my towel around me. I moisturize my face then apply enough makeup to disguise the puffiness of my eyes. I brush my hair out and then quickly braid it, letting the thick plait fall over my shoulder.
I race across the hall into my bedroom and throw on black knit shorts and a fitted royal blue Cubs tee. I slip my bare feet into my beat-up old black Chucks and then run downstairs. “I’m ready.”
“Are you sure? We can keep Alex a little longer.”
Squaring my shoulders, I look Jonah in the eye. “No, I’m good. I promise.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and we head out to his car. I’m silent on the drive to the restaurant, and I’m grateful he gives me that. I spend the drive pushing any bad thoughts out of my head. When we step inside, I spot Alex and Jessica right away. They’re sitting side by side, coloring, and my baby boy is concentrating so hard, his little tongue peeks out.
Jessica spots us first, and I don’t miss the look of alarm on her face when she sees me. I mouth, I’m okay, and she nods before getting Alex’s attention. He looks up and his little face lights up when he sees me.
“Mommy!” He rushes toward me and I scoop him up in my arms. “I missed you bery, bery much.”
“I missed you too.” We sit opposite Jonah and Jessica, and I can�
�t stop hugging my boy.
Breakfast goes well, and with Alex there, I have a brief reprieve from any questions Jessica may want to ask. She knows a lot of my history, except for anything about Alex. Jonah is the only one who knows everything; he’s the one who has seen me at my lowest, the one who picked me up when I fell.
Since I had Alex, I’ve changed for the better. I got my shit together and put the pieces of my crazy life back together, and I am grateful to know that when my dad died, he was proud of me and the woman I’ve become.
They drop us off at home after we get done with breakfast, or more like brunch. After an emotional night, I just want a relaxing day with my son, so we change into our jammies and snuggle on the couch for a Disney movie marathon, starting with Cars 1 and Cars 2 and ending with Monsters, Inc. and Monsters University.
For dinner I make grilled cheese sandwiches, and I even let him eat in the living room, a special treat because I missed him so much. I smile as I watch him munch happily on his sandwich as he sits on his knees on the floor. He’s starting to lose the toddler chubbiness I love and is looking more and more like a little boy.
I had the easiest pregnancy, and labor was only about twelve hours; I was very lucky. My mom and Jonah were both in the room with me when he was born. Hell, Jonah drove home from college for all of my appointments. We talked about getting married just for Alex, but after we both thought about it we realized it would be a mistake.
I should call and check on Jonah because over the years when I’ve been down and missing Brock, he’s always worn a look of guilt on his face. Unfortunately, I saw that look again this morning. I wish he realized how much he’s made amends with me. He’s my best friend, for fuck’s sake, and he’s Alex’s godfather. We were young and he was a jerk, but that Jonah disappeared the night I got hit.
Then There Was You: A Single Parent Collection Page 42