“Hey, Sade,” he offers. “How have you been?” He seems to be at ease as well.
“Good.” She nods. “Can’t complain.” After giving him another smile, she pulls the pen from behind her ear. “Now, what can I get you all?”
She leaves after taking our order, and I relax back against my seat, happy to be sitting here with the kids and Alexander. Out the corner of my eye, I see most of the eyes that were on us are no longer paying us any attention. I hope it stays that way.
Every so often, I see Alexander look at Kelsey, and remorse flashes in his eyes each time. She’s completely ignored him since we pulled up to the house, and I know it plagues him.
“You wanna look at my car collection when we get home? I got a lot,” Daniel asks, forcing Alexander’s eyes away from Kelsey.
He turns to regard him. “Sure.”
Daniel climbs to his knees on the seat. “Can we come ride a horse soon? It hasn’t been really cold anymore.”
Alexander’s eyes bounce to mine. “That’s up to your mom.”
Daniel’s hopeful eyes come to me for an answer, and I don’t have the heart to tell him no. I also don’t give him a yes either. I still haven’t gotten over the day they ran off to the barn by themselves.
“We’ll see.”
Some of the light dims in Daniel’s eyes, but he bounces back quickly. He starts regaling Alexander with questions on how to care for horses and what he does to train them. Alexander answers patiently and Daniel listens intently.
While they’re occupied, I turn to Kelsey. “You okay?”
She shrugs and continues to look down at the paper menu she’s been fiddling with.
“It’s okay to be upset with him, but maybe you can try to cut him some slack?” I lower my voice and tilt my head toward her. “Remember what I told you the other day?” She nods, and guilt and sorrow line her face. I grab her hand under the table and squeeze. “Just keep that in mind, okay?”
A few minutes later, Sadie brings out our food and we sit in silence as we eat. Other than when we first walked in and the few minutes of awkwardness, things have settled down, thankfully. People seems to have lost their interest in Alexander being out in public. I’ve heard some of the whispered rumors the townspeople like to think others can’t hear, and while I don’t condone that behavior—it actually disgusts me—I understand their surprise when they do see him. He’s become a recluse. I understand his need to come to town so rarely, but in a sense, it’s just as much Alexander’s fault as it is theirs, because he’s purposely secluded himself from the town.
We’re just finishing up when a handsome blond man about Alexander’s age and a blond lady come up to our table.
“Alexander,” the guy says, surprise written on his face. He recovers quickly and holds out his hand for a shake.
“James.” Alexander clasps his hand with a half smile. I get the sense that James is a friend of his.
James moves his eyes to me and his lips tip up into a crooked grin.
“Who’s this?” he asks, tipping his chin at me and looking back at Alexander.
“James, meet Gwen. Gwen, this is an old friend of mine, James.”
“It’s good to meet you, James,” I say, and hold out my hand.
He grabs it gently with his bigger one. “It’s very nice to meet you, too, Gwen.” His eyes twinkle as he lets my hand go, and I wonder what he’s thinking.
I don’t get a chance to ask before he turns his attention to Daniel and Kelsey. “And who might these fine kids be?”
Daniel introduces himself before anyone else can. “I’m Daniel.” He tries his best to act like the two adult men by throwing his hand out to be shaken, almost knocking Alexander in the face with his elbow.
“Daniel.” I point my finger at him then point it downward. “Sit.”
“It’s okay,” Alexander comments, then picks Daniel up and settles him on his lap so James can safely reach his hand.
“Hey, Daniel.”
Daniel beams when James shakes his hand firmly.
“That’s my sister, Kelsey.” He points his thumb over his shoulder at her.
“Hello, Kelsey,” James says, his voice turning soft.
Of course, Kelsey neither talks nor offers a smile. I see the question in James’ eyes, so I offer a smile and give him a brief explanation. “She doesn’t talk. Please don’t take it personally.”
He smiles and nods. The girl beside him moves from one foot to the other, and James’ eyes snap to hers.
“I’m sorry, baby.” He wraps his arm around her waist and kisses her cheek. “Lydia, I’d like you to meet Alexander, Gwen, Daniel, and Kelsey.”
We all say hello and she echoes our greeting.
Alexander and James chat for a few minutes, and I end up fidgeting in my seat because every few seconds, James looks my way. His eyes hold questions and curiosity. As a distraction, I start up a conversation with Lydia. I learn that she lives in the next town over and works as a dispatcher for a big trucking company. This surprises me as she doesn’t appear the type to communicate with big, burly truck drivers on a daily basis. She’s beautiful in the traditional way, with thick gorgeous blond hair, green eyes, and a slim body with curves in all the right places. She also seems very sweet and innocent.
“You ready?” James asks Lydia, stopping our conversation.
She smiles at him and the love she obviously feels for him is plain to see. If I’m being honest, I feel a bit jealous at their open affection toward each other. I want that with Alexander.
Once they leave, Alexander stands to go pay for our food, after adamantly refusing my offer to pay for mine and the kids’. The kids and I gather our coats and meet Alexander at the door. He gets a few more glances, but he ignores it, seemingly not bothered by it anymore.
When we pull up to the house a few minutes later. Daniel drags Alexander to his room to show him his car collection the minute they step inside. I tell Kelsey to grab a shower, and I sit at the kitchen table to start grading papers. Every few minutes, I hear Daniel giggle and it makes me smile.
I’m flipping over the last paper and just about to go check on Daniel and Alexander when Daniel comes to my side. Looking at my watch, I’m surprised to see two hours have already passed.
“I’m tired, Mom,” he says, rubbing his eyes. He already has his pajamas on, showing he really is tired.
I look behind him, expecting to see Alexander, but don’t.
“Come on, kid. Let’s go brush your teeth, and I’ll tuck you in.”
“Can Alexander do it?” He yawns as he walks sleepily beside me to the bathroom.
“How about I send him in to tell you good night?”
He nods, then grabs his toothbrush and smothers it with toothpaste.
Curiosity has me looking down the hall as Daniel brushes his teeth. Kelsey’s light is on with the door open halfway, but I can’t tell if he’s in there or not.
Once in bed, Pepper tucked against his side, I pull the covers over him and kiss him good night.
“Love you.”
“Love you too, Mom. Don’t forget to send Alexander in here.”
I smile. “I won’t.” I flip the light off and pull his door to.
For some reason, my heart starts to pound heavily in my chest as I walk quietly to Kelsey’s room. I know before I reach her door that Alexander’s inside. I creep along until I’m just outside her door. His deep voice stops me from going further.
“I had a little girl,” he says quietly, and even out here I can hear the torment in his voice. I hold my breath as he continues. “But I lost her a few years ago. She and my wife drowned.”
Tears threaten to form in my eyes at the memory of him recounting what happened to his wife and baby when we were sitting under the bridge. I know how painful that was for him, so for him to be talking about it now with Kelsey means a lot. I hope he doesn’t go into detail. It would be too much for someone Kelsey’s age to handle. Hell, it’s too much for an adult to handle.
I peek around the doorframe, making sure to stay out of sight. I’ve seen the tortured expression on his face tonight when Kelsey wouldn’t look at him. I know this is something he needs to do to try to make amends with her. I think Kelsey needs it as well. She’s was very hurt by his rejection a few weeks ago. I just hope she gives him a chance to explain and make it right.
When they come in view, I find Kelsey sitting against the headboard with her legs crossed, her blanket tucked around her. Alexander sits about midway up the bed, his hands clasped firmly in his lap. His knuckles are white, so I know he’s clenching his fingers tightly. He’s looking down at his hands, but she has her eyes on him. Pain etches her face.
“The day you, your brother, and your mom came to the house, Christmas Day, was the day before the anniversary of when they died.” He lifts his head. From where I’m standing, I can’t see his face, but I know it carries hurt as well. “I wasn’t in a very good place at the time because I miss them so much, especially during Christmas.”
He stops talking and Kelsey just stares at him. Looking down, I see her gripping the blanket in her lap. I hate to see two people I care about in so much pain.
I’m just about to make my presence known, when Kelsey opens her mouth and completely destroys me by whispering, “I’m sorry you lost your baby and wife.”
My heart freezes in my chest, and I struggle to pull air in my lungs. Tears force their way from my eyes, and I throw my hand over my mouth to keep in the sob.
My daughter just spoke.
I can’t believe it. My daughter actually just spoke. It doesn’t even matter that her first words weren’t for me. I’m just so elated that I got to hear them, and they weren’t the tortured words to God to bring her father back home.
I close my eyes and tip my head back, replaying the sound of her voice over and over in my head. I want to rush in and beg her to say something else.
When I open my eyes again, I just barely get a side view of Alexander’s face. He’s gone quiet, and I know he’s shocked as well.
He pulls himself together a lot faster than I have and says, “Thank you.”
Sending my heart soaring even higher, Kelsey speaks again. “How old was your little girl?”
It takes Alexander a minute to answer as he tries to rein in his emotions.
“Seven weeks.”
Kelsey sucks in a breath and heaves it out on a whoosh. “I bet she was so pretty,” she says softly.
“She was gorgeous,” Alexander remarks.
“What were their names?”
His voice is pained when he answers. “Clara was my wife and Rayne my little girl.”
“Rayne,” she breathes. “So pretty.”
Kelsey gets up and comes to sit beside Alexander, then leans her head against his arm. It only takes him a split second before he puts his arm around her shoulders and she then lays her head against his chest. The action brings even more tears to my eyes. They look like what a father and daughter would look like when consoling his baby girl.
Kelsey’s next words cause my heart to slam in my chest painfully.
“Please don’t tell my mom I’m talking,” she says, lifting her head and pleading with her eyes.
“Why?” He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.
She drops her eyes to the floor and murmurs so low I barely hear her.
“Because it’s my fault my daddy died.”
Alexander and I both jerk. I grip the doorjamb to keep myself from falling. I’ve always known she blames herself, but to hear her actually say it, hurts so much worse.
I watch as Alexander turns to Kelsey and grabs her chin to force her to look at him.
“Why would you think it’s your fault, Kelsey?”
Her voice is a tearful whisper, and I have to lean closer to hear her. “Because I made him go get my bear and that’s when he died.”
“Sweetie, it wasn’t your fault,” Alexander says, his voice strained. “You were six years old. There was no way you could know that would happen. Even your mom and dad didn’t know it would happen.”
She looks at him with tears flooding down her face, and my heart feels like it’s being beaten with a bat coated in spikes.
“But maybe if I hadn’t—”
He doesn’t let her finish. “No, honey. It still would have happened.”
She sniffles and leans against Alexander again.
“What if she blames me?” Kelsey whispers brokenly, and it’s that question that kills me. I lean back against the wall and slide down, my legs unable to hold my weight anymore.
I can no longer see them, but I can still hear them.
“She doesn’t,” he tells her, his tone more forceful that it has been the entire time I’ve been standing there.
“How do you know?”
“Because she loves you,” he answers simply.
It’s quiet for a few minutes before Alexander speaks again.
“You need to talk to your mom about this,” he tells her softly. “She misses you so much.”
“I miss her too,” she confesses, and I want to run inside and tell her I’m right here, but I don’t. She needs to do this on her own. I don’t want to take the chance of pushing her away by rushing her.
They stop talking, and I lean my head back and listen to the silence, hoping with everything I am that Kelsey’s silence has come to an end.
I’m so lost in thought that I don’t realize Alexander’s standing in front of me. I look up at him with swollen eyes, feeling lost and exposed. He doesn’t say a word as he scoops me up into his arms. My eyes linger on Kelsey’s door, which is closed most of the way, a sliver of light pouring out, indicating she’s still awake.
My heart aches with the need to go to her, but as much as it hurts to do so, I let him carry me further away from her.
Alexander stops at the couch and takes a seat with me in his lap. I bury my head in the crook of his neck and let tears soak the collar of his shirt. He doesn’t try to calm me down, just gently rubs my back and murmurs soft words in my ear. He knows I heard Kelsey speak, and he knows how much it hurts to hear her say her father’s death is her fault and she worries I blame her. She couldn’t be further from the truth.
LATER THAT EVENING, after Alexander has left, I walk quietly down the hallway and stop at Kelsey’s door. This is my nightly routine. I always sneak back to her door five minutes after I’ve tucked her in, and every night I catch her whispered prayers to bring her daddy home.
Tonight is different though, for a couple reasons. One being that she spoke to Alexander tonight and my emotions are already raw from overhearing it.
The second comes when I stop at the door and hear that Kelsey’s prayers have changed. If it wasn’t for the fact that I watched her crawl to her knees, I’d think she just added onto the old one, but this prayer is all on its own. The new one is even more heartbreaking than the old.
“Please, God, help make Alexander better,” she whispers, her hands clasped in front of her. “Please don’t make him hurt anymore. I really like him, and I know my mama and brother like him too. I wish he could be with us always. And please let his wife and baby be okay in heaven with you.” She pauses before finishing. “In Jesus’ name, amen.”
I clutch my hands over my chest, trying to calm my pounding heart. Her prayers have been the same every night for over two years. For her to change them now…. I send up a silent prayer that this change is good. I also pray that God answers my daughter’s prayers.
I rest my forehead against the doorframe and whisper low enough that she can’t hear me, “I love you, Kelsey. Please come back to me.”
With one last glance to see her in bed with the covers tucked up under her chin once again, I walk away with my heart heavy.
18
ALEXANDER
I LIE IN BED WITH MY hands under my head, thinking about today. I think about how I was supposed to simply drop off the earrings and then leave again. I think about Gwen’s face when s
he saw me on her porch steps, the longing and hope present, but also the shadow of vulnerability. I think about how I had to force myself to not yank her in my arms and beg her to forgive me for being a dick.
I think about Daniel rushing up to me and the pure elation on his face as he talked nonstop. Then I think about Kelsey and the wary way she eyed me. The apparent hurt I’ve caused her. It made me sick to my stomach to know I’ve caused her more pain.
I should have refused to go inside for tea. I should have told them I couldn’t go to dinner. I should have come up with an excuse as to why I couldn’t go back inside to look at Daniel’s car collection. But I just couldn’t. Gwen and her kids have me wrapped around their fingers. I’d do anything to bring smiles to their faces and make them happy. Walking into Blu’s last night and feeling all the eyes on me was uncomfortable and had my anger spiking, but I pushed through it. I wasn’t going to let the nosy people of town ruin what I didn’t realize at the time was something I wanted so badly. Being out with them, acting like a family, a normal family, felt so damn good. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to be a part of their lives every day.
I also think about walking out of Daniel’s room and seeing Kelsey in hers. Her eyes were pinned on the door as if she were waiting for me or something. Before I could stop myself, I was walking in her room and sitting on the end of her bed. Both kids draw me in, but Kelsey more so. I know it’s because of the pain we share.
She held her body stiff and her eyes were almost accusing as she watched me for several seconds. It wasn’t enough, there would never be an excuse good enough for my shitty behavior, but I tried to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her further, but I saw the pain in her eyes when I told her about Clara and Rayne. I know of her pain, she deserves to know the reason behind mine.
Even though she said those few words to me the night before they left, I never expected her to talk again. To say my heart skipped a beat when she whispered those first words is an understatement. It was more like skipping ten beats. My stomach felt hollow and it took me several tries to pull in air. She has one of the sweetest and most delicate voices I’ve ever heard. It took me a moment to gather myself enough to respond. When she kept talking, even if what she asked hurt to think about, it was music to my ears.
Then There Was You: A Single Parent Collection Page 89