He looked a bit unsure, but he bent his head to kiss me anyway. After a moment, he jumped as if something had startled him, then lifted his arm to look at his watch. “We have to hurry, or we will miss dinner with the group.”
I tightened my arms around his neck and groaned. “I don’t want to move, and I really don’t want to go listen to Sam droning on about how amazing he is.”
Elias laughed and squeezed me hard. “I know, but now that we’re roommates, the faster we get done with dinner, the faster we can come back, and I can show you how Ethiopians make up.”
That perked me up fast, and soon I was out of the bed and rifling through my bag for my shaving kit.
Elias just looked at me, amused. “Finally, Bonnie’s utter inability to make a proper reservation has reaped some benefits.”
Chapter 23
Once Elias and I sorted things out, it was like a fog had been lifted. We worked hard on that second survey, taking only a couple of days off the entire time. During the day we crisscrossed southern Ethiopia gathering data, and in the evenings, Elias and I slept in each other’s arms as if we’d been doing it for years. Now we were on our way back to Addis, and my time in Ethiopia felt like it was slipping through my fingers.
After almost two months I was down to my last ten days, which I would use to work on cleaning up the data we’d gathered, and then I was taking some time to travel around. We’d discussed Elias coming with me, but he had a lot to work out for his departure to the States, which included coming out to his family. He didn’t have much time to do it, either. His advisor at Columbia had requested he arrive early so he could assist with a seminar over the summer. Elias had to be in New York City in six weeks at the latest.
As for me, I still had no idea what I was going to do. We hadn’t talked about it explicitly, but given the conversations of the past few weeks, it was clear that we were both focusing on our separate plans and not wanting to write anything in stone when it came to us. It wasn’t for lack of wanting, though. I was itching to say reckless shit, tell him I loved him, that even if I ended up going back to DC, I still wanted to try to be together, but I didn’t want to muddy the already-complicated waters of his departure with my neediness.
“Konjo.” Elias’s soft voice brought me out of my thoughts, and I looked out the window to realize we were almost at my guesthouse. “What were you thinking? You looked very serious.”
I shook my head, forcing myself to let go of all the worrying for now. “Oh, just making a mental list of all the things I need to get done before I leave. But I guess I’ll just figure it all out while I’m in the office. It’ll be hard to say goodbye to Tsehay and Bonnie,” I said regretfully. “You’d think after years of doing this it would get easier. But there’s something about doing this kind of work. People bond fast and strong.”
He nodded in understanding and squeezed my knee gently. “First, we go on our hike to Entoto tomorrow. Then we can worry about the future.”
The lump in my throat didn’t let me respond with words, but I ran my hand over his thigh freely now that it was just the two of us in the truck—and I hoped that was answer enough.
We drove into the parking lot of the guesthouse in a comfortable silence, and within minutes I was standing in the lobby unsure of how to say goodbye after weeks of touching him until I had my fill.
He smiled at me, his hands in his pockets. “I have to spend the evening with my parents.”
I looked up at him, trying hard return the smile, despite the ache of the moment. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, right?”
He beamed at the mention of the hike. I knew he was excited to show me another one of his favorite spots in the land he loved so much. “I’ll be here at 8:00 a.m. Have a good night, konjo.”
He leaned in, and for a moment my breath caught in the way it did whenever he was about to kiss me. The anticipation was not a bit less electric even after so many of them. But he caught himself in time and raised a hand to me instead. His eyes were remorseful, and I mirrored his gesture as he turned to go.
The next morning Elias drove us up to Entoto on a paved road that ended across from a large Ethiopian orthodox church about halfway up the mountain. The church was stunning. Built in the shape of a hexagon from wood cut in the nearby forest, it was huge, and looked like a box of chocolates hidden among the eucalyptus trees. It was painted in bright colors: the outside walls in an ocean blue, the awnings in bright yellows and reds. I observed the priests, a familiar sight by now, walking by wrapped in white linen robes and holding colorful umbrellas with golden fringe to protect themselves from the sun.
It was quite a sight to encounter on this misty, quiet mountain. I’d brought my camera with me, planning to capture some views of the city from up here, but I was going to fill my memory card before we got to the trailhead.
I smiled at Elias as I snapped some photos. “These churches are something.”
He nodded. “You’ll see many more when you’re in the north,” he said, mentioning my solo trip to see some of the historical sites. Just another reminder that our time was running out. As I looked up at him, I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to not see him again.
His eyes softened as if he could see into my thoughts. I could tell he was debating what to do, and in the end he squeezed my shoulder, his voice soft and warm when he finally spoke.
“There’s a lot more to see, konjo.”
Every time he called me that I still practically swooned. But I managed to hide it by snapping a few more pictures.
He ran a hand over my shoulder to get my attention, and his voice was a little amused when I looked up at him. “Let’s start walking. We’re not even four meters from the car, and you’ve taken a hundred photos.”
I smiled at his teasing and started walking. “Hey, it’s not my fault there are like, a million Insta moments happening right now.”
He just shook his head and smiled. I was looking forward to this day. Even though I’d been in the country almost two months, mostly I’d been in the south. I hadn’t seen much of Addis, and being here with Elias was perfect. He’d brought sandwiches, water, and packets of cookies so we could have a picnic after we got to the summit. I was feeling all of this a bit more than I should have, but I couldn’t help myself. He paid attention to everything.
On the very first trip to Awassa, I’d mentioned in passing I had a weakness for chocolate-covered digestive biscuits. Since then he made sure to always have some on hand. When I commented on it, he just brushed it off and said, “I pay attention to what you like.”
If and when it came to it, walking away from Elias was going to destroy me.
As we trekked up the mountain, we saw women carrying wood, which was a common sight all over Ethiopia. There was a large group of them and they each made their way down the mountain with massive piles of firewood on their backs, so big their torsos were almost perpendicular to the ground. I stopped to watch them as they hurried down the hill at an impressive clip, their eyes focused straight ahead.
“This group must have started late,” Elias said. “Usually the wood is carried much earlier in the day. They need it for cooking, and to boil water for tea and baths.” Elias stared after them too, then sighed. “Women’s lives can be harsh here. At times it feels like they literally and figuratively carry us all on their backs. Not that there isn’t progress—the economy is growing, and so many Ethiopians are coming back from overseas and starting businesses here—but there is still so much to do.”
I nodded. “It can feel overwhelming. In the States too, so many things are totally broken. I’ve been thinking a lot about it in the last couple of months. Like, why am I here, and not there? Why do I get to come here or any other country and come up with solutions to problems I sometimes don’t even understand? Meanwhile while my own country’s systemic oppression is literally destroying lives and communities.”
I blushed, embarrassed by my outburst. “I don’t think I’m making sense.”
He turned his head, considering my words. “I think you’re right. In the end, you need to do the work you’re passionate about. I don’t agree with this idea that in order to do meaningful work, or to be successful, you have to be miserable, sacrifice everything. That to figure out ways to do good, I have to martyr myself. Purpose is noble, but it can’t fill you up.”
It felt wrong to have this conversation without touching. I wanted to put my head on his chest, breathe him in while he spoke the words I needed so badly to hear.
“You have to do the work that feeds you, find the joy in it.”
I shuddered, feeling the truth of what he’d said in my bones. Before I could stop myself, I looked up at him and whispered, “I’m right here. You’ve found Joy.”
He brushed my shoulder and looked at me with an intensity that shook me, then quietly said, “You are, and I did.”
“You’re like some kind of mystic. How do you have so much more wisdom than me and we’re only a few years apart?”
He shook his head and bumped my shoulder again. “You’re a lot wiser than you think.”
We slowly made our way up the mountain until we reached the highest viewpoint and sat down to have our lunch. There were other families there and some young people, both Ethiopian and foreigners, were scattered around. We chatted with some of them and helped with photos when selfies would not do the view justice.
Once we sat down, Elias and I talked about how we were at the end of Ethiopian summer. Soon the rains would come, making everything muddy and wet for months.
When he had all our food out, we sat with our backs against a boulder, basking in the sun. From our spot we could see the sprawling city below. A hodge-podge of concrete, roads and mountains. Cars and buses weaving through mazes of tight cobblestone streets mixed with modern highways. It was quite the place. Addis Ababa. The New Flower. In my time here I’d grown to understand why my father loved this place as much as he did. And that connection to him was everything.
We ate our sandwiches and enjoyed the warm sun on our skin for a while. I was lying down on a blanket Elias had produced from his backpack and had my head pillowed on my folded jacket. I felt so content, I could’ve fallen asleep.
I was thinking that Elias still had not mentioned how it had gone with his parents the night before and was debating whether to ask when I saw him pull out a book from his backpack. He lay back propped on his elbow and started reading a poem out loud.
At first I didn’t recognize it, then realized he was reciting Langston Hughes. Of course he was. I closed my eyes with a smile on my lips and listened as he read quietly, his lilting accent bringing the familiar words to life for me in a completely new way.
When ma man looks at me,
He knocks me off ma feet.
He’s got those ’lectric-shockin’ eyes an’
De way he shocks me sho is sweet.
I let him finish the poem before opening my eyes, locking them with his. I let him see how much I was feeling the poem. Him. This moment.
My man.
God, I wish he could be. He disarmed me with how open he was, how tenacious. To take the chance to kiss or touch me when he could never really know what my intentions were. He couldn’t know for sure if I’d betray him. He just trusted I wouldn’t. I turned to him as he leafed through the book, my head brimming with questions.
“That night at Saba’s, why did you kiss me in front of her?” I asked, almost in a whisper, even though no one was close enough to overhear. I wanted to keep these words right in the space between us.
“Because you were waiting for my kiss, and I wanted to give it to you.”
I turned my face away, but not so much that he couldn’t see my smile. That was the truth, and he said it, and that’s where Elias would end me: he would never lie to me.
I had to be brave enough to tell the truth too. I had to tell Elias how I felt about him. Even if it was only that: just something I had to say.
After a while we gathered our stuff and walked back down to the car, and Elias drove me to the guesthouse. It was early afternoon and there weren’t many people around, so I asked him if he’d stay for a bit. He didn’t answer, just followed me up the stairs. Once inside, he locked the door, then turned around and raked his eyes over me with such heat I felt my skin burning.
We both took a step forward and met by the bed, grabbing at each other frantically. I lifted up on to my tiptoes so I could kiss him. We touched with urgency, like we were going to lose our minds if we didn’t get as close as possible.
I licked into Elias’s mouth one last time before going down on my knees in front of him. Having his cock in my mouth had become an obsession. I loved how into it Elias got. He went from gentle to rough and demanding as soon as I took him in my mouth. He’d grab the back of my head with both hands and push himself deep into my throat. Until all I could taste and smell was him.
I was hungry for that right now, to feel the intensity of this desire.
I looked up at him as I mouthed his crotch, the fabric of his shorts damp from pre-come.
“Give me your cock. I need it.” I nosed at it, teasing. Not touching, wanting him to take out his dick and feed it to me.
He tugged on my hair just hard enough to make me pay attention. Lifting my face to look at him. His face was flushed, and his brown lips were tinted with pink where I’d bitten him. “If I have to pull it out and do all the work for you, I’m going to make you take it all at once.”
The way he talked to me cranked me up to a fever pitch in no time. I was practically vibrating from how bad I needed him. “Do it.”
He pushed his shorts down and took out his cock, the head pink and wet, foreskin pulled back. I almost listed, feeling the blood rushing to my ears. I stuck my tongue out, desperate to taste him, but before I did I raised my eyes to him. “I want you in my mouth, and then I want you to fuck me.”
Elias’s eyes widened, and his hand, which had been stroking my face, froze. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Even though Elias and I had been together many times, we’d both set an unspoken boundary around that. What we’d already been doing was so good that I hadn’t questioned why I didn’t ask for more, and he’d let me set the pace. Maybe it was some silly line in the sand I created to protect myself from the inevitable. But he was already all the way inside my heart, and I wanted all of him.
He pulled on my hair again until I was looking straight at him. He bent down to give me a bruising kiss. Our tongues glided together until we were both gasping for air. When we pulled apart, his eyes were burning. “Open your mouth, Desta. I’m going to push in until I can feel your throat.”
I moaned, desperate for it, and opened my mouth as he pressed inside. This was what I loved about Elias and me together. I was always vacillating, unsure if I could trust what I wanted, what my lover would think of me. Elias took me out of all of that. His touch brought together what I needed and what I wanted, and every caress was a confirmation that we were perfect together.
He let out a shuddering breath as he rammed his cock in my mouth, both hands firmly gripping the back of my neck. He gave me no quarter as he pushed inside. My eyes watered, but I kept taking him in. He thrust in a couple of times, his mouth in a flat line and his eyes rolling as he fucked my face.
“So pretty, those pink lips around me. God, you can suck cock.”
I moaned again and he unclasped one of his hands to run a finger over the side of my face. “I’m going to fuck into your mouth, but when I’m ready to come, I’m going to bend you over that bed and give you this cock until you scream my name.”
That’s what I wanted. That’s what I needed right now. I hummed in approval, making him hiss and push in hard again.
Elias must have been feeling as desperate as I was. After a couple more thrusts, he pulled out and lifted me to him, kissing me as he walked us to the bed.
“We’re wearing too many clothes,” I gasped, and I started tugging the fleece ov
er his head as he toed off his hiking shoes. After Elias was naked, I stood back to admire him as I made quick work of my clothes. Pretty soon we were standing in front of each other, completely bare. I’d seen his body so many times by now, touched every inch of it. Licked and nipped at leisure. This felt different.
This was more.
I reached out to him, his long, rangy body such a contrast to my stockier build, but we fit perfectly. He was everything I needed.
Without a word I got on the bed and lay on my stomach, ready for him. In the midst of the lust, there was a hint of something that felt so right, like this was exactly where I needed to be. That this man would always be what I needed. I didn’t want to think about me leaving or his worries right now. This was just for us.
I heard his breath catch as I rested my head on my forearms, then felt his hands running down my spine. “Tell me you’re mine, konjo.”
“I am yours.” I felt no hesitation, the words leaving my lips before my mind could catch up. He was wider than me, not bulky but strong, and when he rested his chest against my back I felt like we would combust, our skins were so hot pressed together. He brought his hand down to my ass and rubbed his finger against my hole, making me shiver.
“Are you going to let me in here?” He asked the question as his fingers brushed against the furled skin around my rim.
“Yes,” I panted as he pressed a dry finger very gently against my opening.
“First, I’m going to love you with my tongue and fingers. Get you ready for me.”
“I want that, so much.”
He thrust against me and I could feel his cock brush my ass. “I can’t wait to be so deep inside you. You won’t be able to think about anything that isn’t how full you are of me.”
“Ungh.” I pushed myself up and spread my legs wider. “Why do you hate me?”
Elias let out a startled laugh as he knelt behind me, his mouth so close to where I needed him, but still not touching. He ran his teeth over my ass cheek as he used his hands to spread me open.
Finding Joy Page 18