Finding Joy

by Adriana Herrera

  “You’re evil,” I said, barely able to speak at this point.

  His laugh only got filthier the more I whined. Soon he was lapping at my taint and the sensitive skin around my rim with his tongue, and I was burning for him to be inside. With Elias’s hands on me, everything always felt so much easier, but there was an urgency right under the ease that never seemed to diminish.

  “Please, baby, just touch me. With your fingers, with your tongue, your cock. I don’t care.”

  I felt his tongue probing at my hole, then his finger spreading me open for his mouth, and I collapsed. My arms gave out on me as I made a sound I hardly recognized as my own voice.

  “Mmm, konjo, you always taste so good. I like your balls too.” He moved from my hole and popped one of my testicles into his mouth, fingers still probing at my ass. I was so overstimulated I felt like I was going to come apart. He hummed in appreciation after a particularly long stroke of this tongue. All I could do was push my ass at him to get more of what he was doing.

  After another minute of his assault on my balls and ass, he moved away and I yelped at the loss of sensation. “Where are you going?”

  Before he could answer, I heard the suction noise of the lube bottle as he pumped some out, and my heart started racing in anticipation. Within seconds I felt his silky-warm finger pressing against me, opening me up.

  “That’s so good, baby. I love your fingers.” I squeezed my ass hard and he hissed.

  “So tight, konjo. Is that what you’re going to do when I’m inside you?” As he talked he painted my ass with his dick, pre-come clinging to my skin.

  In response I circled my hips exactly like I’d do it if I were riding him. “I’m going to milk your cock so good, you’ll never want anyone else again.”

  This time he pushed his finger in to the second knuckle and bit down hard on my ass. “Who said I want anyone else now?”

  I didn’t answer. I was so caught up in the sensation of his hands on me, the heat of his body searing my skin. He worked two fingers in and out until he was pressing against my prostate, making me pant.

  “Now. Now. Now.” I sounded frantic, and I felt it too. Desperate for him.

  A moment after I heard the tear of a condom wrapper and felt him work more lube in my hole. After a second I felt the blunt head of his cock pushing in and almost sobbed with relief.

  “You’re so tight.” Elias sounded winded as he pressed in. I pushed back against the burn, meeting his thrusts until we were in perfect sync. Him pushing in, and me rocking back to meet him. Soon he was all the way in and we both sighed with relief. Elias pressed his chest to my back, our bodies so close.

  “Desta,” he gasped, breathless.

  He bit down hard on my shoulder as he seated himself to the hilt. He had his hand at my nape and the other on the mattress, and fucked me so thoroughly I couldn’t make words. After a few thrusts he grabbed my hips, lifting me up and pushing into me from an angle that hit me right where I needed it, making my entire body pulse.

  “Oh, I’m gonna come like this. Fuck me harder, baby.”

  He bent down again and bit that same spot on my shoulder. “Make yourself come,” he growled, his lips right by my ear.

  “You’re so fucking bossy.” I laughed as I took my dick in hand. After just a few strokes, molten sensation spread through my groin, and soon I was coming, hot liquid splashing my hand.

  Elias let out a pained gasp as he fucked me with short jabs. “So close.”

  I felt the heat of his come filling the condom a second before he slumped over me, his lips brushing the back of my neck.

  We stayed like that for a while until our breaths evened out, then Elias shifted so he was on his back with my head on his chest.

  “I don’t think I can move for a while,” I mumbled against his skin.

  He chuckled as he ran his hand over my back. “I’m not in a rush to go anywhere,” he whispered as he gathered me in his arms, tightening them. “We can stay here for now.”

  I placed my palm on his chest, fantasizing that this could be us forever. That we could make love and lay in a sunny room, unrushed and unbothered. That this wasn’t a clandestine, temporary thing. I wished we could walk out of this room hand in hand without fear into the streets of this city Elias loved so deeply. One I was learning to love, too.

  Maybe someday.

  I felt Elias’s lips brushing against my forehead, and then he asked in a quiet voice, “What’s going on in there?”

  I shook my head, not wanting to ruin the moment. “Just happy to be here with you.”

  He made a sound like he didn’t quite believe me, but didn’t respond right away. After a few breaths he spoke again. “I’d like you to come to my home and meet my parents tomorrow.”

  I sat up fast, hoping my face didn’t look as spooked as I felt while Elias smiled placidly.

  “Did I scare you?” He asked the question like he hadn’t just said some earth-shattering shit to me.

  I threw my hands up and scoffed. “Uh, well, I’m just a little shook. When you say meet your parents, does that mean in person?”

  He rolled his eyes at the ridiculous question, still looking way too amused for the topic of conversation.

  I paused before I asked the next question, not quite sure what kind of answer I was hoping. “Did you tell them?”

  Again with the smiling. “I haven’t told them yet, but I’m planning to after they meet you. I want them to know who the man I love is when I do.”

  I was glad I was already in bed because that would’ve certainly knocked me on my ass.

  “For fuck’s sake, Elias,” I wailed before throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him hard. “Of course you’d say it first.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “You’re angry because I said I love you?”

  I shook my head and kissed him again. “I wouldn’t say angry, just frustrated that once again, I didn’t get my shit together and you just did what I’ve been agonizing over for weeks now.”

  “Konjo.” The word was a caress, a loving rebuke, and a prayer all in one, and I was so fucking gone for him. I pressed our foreheads together before I spoke again, wanting to be as close as possible to him as I could.

  I didn’t know if we’d be able to be together after I left here in a few weeks. If Elias would really come out to his family and leave Ethiopia. If I’d be strong enough to tell my mother the truth about what I wanted to do. I didn’t know anything for sure other than what I felt for him right now.

  I could say that with certainty, and I did.

  “I love you too.”

  Chapter 24

  As we pulled up to the big metal fence of Elias’s family home, I wondered if he felt as nervous as I did. But when I looked at him with his back straight, his head up, he seemed so resolute and certain, so certain. Meanwhile, I was doing my best to keep my shit together.

  After our big confession the day before, Elias had stayed with me until dinnertime and then gone home with the promise to pick me up for dinner tonight. He had a lot take care of and I needed to buy some supplies for my trip north in a couple of days. My time in Ethiopia was wrapping up and the dread of going back to reality was starting to get the best of me. But tonight wasn’t about my shit, it was about Elias. I was determined to be here for him in every way.

  We drove into the compound where his family lived, and before we were even out of the car, a beautiful woman who I assumed was his mother walked out of the house to greet us. She was wearing a traditional Amhara dress in white cotton with beautiful gold, red, and green embroidery running from the center of the neckline down to the hem. She also had traditional jewelry on. Gold earrings that looked like a sun and a small cross hanging from a necklace on her chest that I knew was the one from the Amhara tribe. All indications that she considered me an important guest, which only made my already-galloping heart speed up.

  “Hello, Desta. Welcome to our home. I’m Negash. Eli has told us so much about
you.”

  I went in for a triple kiss and embrace. The more kisses, the more respect you were showing an elder, and I wanted to express my deepest regard to his parents.

  “It’s so nice to meet you. Thank you for inviting me to dinner.” I handed over the bottle of Chivas Regal and box of chocolates Saba had recommended I bring with me.

  Negash held up the box and smiled. “This is very nice of you, Desta.” After saying my name, her expression changed, and suddenly she was beaming at me. “I could not believe when Eli told me his American friend had a Habesha name.”

  She chuckled at my shy nod as we walked into the house. The living room was well lit, with a huge black leather sectional couch, where an older man in jeans and a starched button-down shirt was sitting and watching a soccer match. He looked like Elias, but seemed a lot older than his mom.

  When he saw me, he stood up to shake my hand. “Welcome to our home. I am Fikru Bekele.”

  I gripped his forearm and bumped his shoulders in greeting. “Thank you. I’m grateful for your invitation, Mr. Bekele.”

  He waved off my formality, extending his hand to the couch, offering me a seat. “Just Fikru, please.”

  In that moment, it struck me that in Ethiopia, a person’s surname was their father’s first name. The Western way was similar, but it seemed like a much more profound connection to share the name your father answers to on a daily basis.

  Fikru glanced over at Elias, who was looking at us from the door. “My son never brings any friends home. We were surprised when he told us we’d have a visitor.” His father’s face turned rueful as he sat back down. “I embarrass my son sometimes when I talk too much.”

  Elias pushed up from the door and gave his father a concerned look. “Aba.”

  The man waved him off with a friendly gesture and went back to what was happening on the screen. I’d been to a few Ethiopian homes already and knew that the TV being on while there were visitors was pretty common, so I took a seat on the couch, and soon Elias brought out a tray with drinks. His mom came out after a moment too, and we all started to get to know each other.

  “Desta, tell me about you parents. Eli said you lived here as a baby.”

  I nodded. “Yes, we left around the time I turned three. My parents lived here the first year they got married, then returned right after I was born a couple of years later.”

  Negash grinned, obviously delighted at my family’s connection to her country. “They must have liked it here.”

  I nodded as I put down the glass of cold Ambo and Coke that Elias had handed me. I tried to ignore the flutter happening in my chest caused by Elias’s gesture of getting me my preferred drink, and focused my attention on his mother. “Yes, my dad especially. He always called Ethiopia the homeland of his heart.”

  “Sounds like he was a man with a good soul,” she said regretfully. Elias must have told them about his death.

  “He was.”

  After that the conversation turned to the meal and the soccer match. A moment later the cook—having house help was also a common thing in Ethiopia—started bringing out dishes and we moved to the table. Soon we were all digging into the meal, which was delicious. “This is really good. Thank you again.” I said as I pinched of a mouthful of injera and sautéed Swiss chard off my plate.

  Negash beamed at me and put more food on my plate. I thanked her and turned to Elias, who looked tense, and had been quieter than usual. “Where’s your sister tonight?”

  Before he had a chance to answer, his dad spoke up in a dejected tone. “My children are always finding reasons to escape this house.”

  Elias gave his dad a worried look but didn’t react to his comment. “They’ve been looking for a house. Tonight they’re meeting with one of her husband’s cousins, who’s building some homes right down the street. They’ll still be very close.” That last part seemed a lot more for his dad’s benefit than mine.

  Elias’s dad seemed genuinely upset by this. “Why does she need to leave?” Everyone tensed as he got more agitated, but no one said anything, and he kept talking. “When are you leaving, Eli? Are you escaping soon too?”

  His tone wasn’t even angry, but it seemed like it was the needle that broke the camel’s back for Elias. His mom said something in Amharic, which I assumed was aimed at his dad. Whatever it was it seemed to mollify the man, but after a moment Elias stood up and excused himself. The tension in the room was so heavy I could almost see it. I soon did the same with a barely audible “excuse me” and followed Elias outside.

  I found him standing in a dark corner of the yard with his hands in his pockets, looking up at the starry sky. “Hey.”

  He turned when he heard me, but didn’t say anything. I stood next to him in silence, and after a moment he spoke. “I knew this would happen. I haven’t told him yet, but I think he suspects I’m leaving. I’ve been running errands and getting my things in order. My mother too. She wants me to go, though.”

  His eyes were so bleak. All I wanted was to hold him. “My father thinks if we go, we do it because he embarrasses us.” He shook his head in obvious frustration. “It’s not true. I love my father. I just need to go.”

  The pain in his voice broke my heart into a million pieces. I wished there was something I could say, but I knew there wasn’t anything that could make this decision less agonizing for Elias. I touched his shoulder, and I could feel the tension ease a little. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “There’s nothing you need to apologize for, and thank you for coming tonight. I needed you to meet them.” He sighed and looked up again. “I don’t know how any of this will go, but I have to speak my truth. I can’t—”

  He choked on that word, and I moved closer. We were hidden by a hedge of trees where we were standing. I moved so I was facing him and put my arms around his waist, my head against his chest.

  “I’m so tired of hiding.” His voice was strangled, and I could feel the misery rolling off him in waves as he tightened his arms around me. “But every time I get close to telling them, I feel like it will be irreversible.”

  “I know,” I said lamely, not sure if anything could make this better.

  We stood here for a few seconds, and when I tried to pull back he kept me there, a strong arm around me. “Stay.”

  “Elias, I don’t know if we should—”

  “Please,” he pleaded as he lifted my chin with his hand.

  He kissed me. And as always, from the first taste I was lost.

  I heard the surprised gasp first, but what made me jump back from Elias was the loud crash that followed it. We looked up and found Elias’s mother who was looking at us from a few feet away in complete horror. Her hands were suspended in the air, and there were shards of glass scattered in front of her on the ground. It looked like she’d been bringing us something to drink when she saw us.

  “Mama.”

  She shook her head, and her voice came out thin and strangled. “Elias, this is not how you do things. No, my son. This is not how you do things.” She stumbled forward and the crunch of the glass under her feet sounded like thunder, so loud in our horrified silence. After a moment she looked down at her feet, she seemed dazed, like she had no idea how the wreckage of glass and ice got there. After giving us a final glance, she walked back to the house.

  I looked after Negash, feeling like my heart was going to crawl up my throat. I turned to Elias, who hadn’t moved or said a word since his mom came out. The way his mouth contorted, but could not make words, as if the realization of what he’d just done had robbed him of the ability to speak, made me finally start moving.

  “You need to go talk to her. I’ll go home,” I said numbly.

  I started walking fast toward the gate of the compound without daring to look in the direction of the house, overcome with guilt and dread that I’d brought this down on Elias. “I’m taking off, okay? I’ll go out to the main road and get a taxi. I’ll call you later.”

  I heard the crunch of the gl
ass, and suddenly I felt Elias’s hand gripping my elbow.

  “Desta. Stop.” He sounded so desperate and so lost that I froze. The need in his voice kept me from running. I had to dig my fingernails into my hands in order to keep from reaching out for him.

  Touching him like that out here in the open was not an option, so I moved away. He let go of my elbow, and then we started moving toward the car. “I will take you home.”

  We both got in, and I had to push the heel of my hand into my chest. My heart was beating fast and my breaths were coming in short pants. I was convinced I’d ruined everything for Elias. His relationship with his parents, his departure to the States. His life. His future. I’d fucked up everything.

  I opened my mouth and what came out was a croak. When I tried again, my voice sounded small and scared. “I’m so sorry.”

  Elias was still silent, and he gripped the steering wheel of the car with such force I thought he was going to snap it off with his bare hands. I could see him trying hard to control his breathing, his eyes closed tightly. After a few more seconds I saw his shoulders loosen, and he opened his eyes to look at me. They were like embers, hot with whatever he was feeling.

  “Never be sorry. Never be sorry for touching me or loving me.” His voice gave out then, and despite my fear that his would make everything worse, I kissed him, because I couldn’t not reach for him if he needed me.

  Our mouths met in a chaste kiss and we pressed our foreheads together. “What’s going to happen now? I’m scared I’ve made everything worse by coming here.”

  He shook his head forcefully. His hands interlocked at the back of my neck. “No. Don’t say that. I need to talk to them and I don’t know what will happen, but I can’t lie anymore.”

  He let go and sat straight again. When I looked toward the house, his mother and father were standing by the window. “There are some things I need help with so I can go to New York. I was going to ask my parents and my sister. Now I don’t know if that will happen. I don’t know if I’ll be able to walk away from my parents and leave things like this.”