“Pretty bad.” She settled on the couch, cuddling her sleeping daughter against her chest like a little girl with a favored teddy bear. “He left just a little while ago.”
“Are you okay?” Jenny asked worriedly. Lauren always hid everything so deep inside. Even now, when any other woman would have been wailing, Lauren sat there, calmly, her face placid.
But she held Krista to her like a life preserver tossed to a drowning man. And her eyes were stormy, swirling pools of emotions that Jenny couldn’t identify. “Is there someplace he would go?”
“The river,” she responded, her voice almost dreamy. “Always to the river. Across from the Belvedere.”
Jenny frowned as Lauren started to rock back and forth. “I lost him, Jenn. He’s too angry and he left. Why do I always have to figure things out too late?”
“It’s not too late,” Jenny whispered, closing her hands over Lauren’s shoulders, shaking her gently, mindful of the resting child. “It’s never too late.”
“He left me, too, Jenn. Just like everybody else. But this time, it really was my fault.” Eyes glassy, she looked up at her worried friend and asked, “Is there something about me that just keeps other people from wanting to stay with me? Something that chases them away?”
“Don’t say that, Lauren. Damn it, I’m still here.”
When Lauren didn’t respond, she rose and headed out the door.
Moments later, the door swung open again and Alexandra Young entered, her face concerned. Lauren didn’t even look up as Alex promised to stay with her. Jenny cast her one last worried glance and headed out the door.
Nobody could hide their emotions indefinitely. And nobody could withstand countless rejections and not suffer for it. Lauren’s parents hadn’t wanted her. None of the foster families had wanted her and too many had tried to abuse her. Dale had loved another woman for years before he married Lauren. And though Jenny knew Dale loved his wife, she knew there were some details that Lauren hadn’t shared. Hell, a lot of details.
Speeding down the twisting roads of the Knobs, Jenny got to the interstate leading to Jeffersonville and punched it. She wouldn’t lose this time, Jenny swore. Lauren had stood by her too often, had helped her through too many rough times.
She found Dale standing on the stone at the river’s edge by the dam. Arms crossed over his chest, eyes staring sightlessly across the river, he stood there, looking as lost as Lauren had looked only minutes earlier.
“You’re not going to let something like this end things, are you, Dale?” she asked, coming up behind him in silence. He turned his head, glancing at her briefly, eyes shielded by mirrored aviator sunglasses. “It’s not like she tried to pass another man’s child off as yours.”
“Is she okay?” he asked, ignoring her question as he turned his eyes back to the slowly moving river.
“No. She’s not, Dale. She’s hurting. She’s afraid you’re going to leave her.”
“Shit. She’s probably praying that I will leave,” he muttered, shaking his head. He’d practically raped his wife. The guilt inside him was threatening to choke him. He was certain if there had been anything in his tight stomach, he would have vomited it back up. “She wasn’t…was she hurt?”
“Hurt how?” Jenny asked, her eyes narrowing. The slump of Dale’s shoulders, his silence told her everything she needed know. Rage bloomed inside her. “You son of a bitch!” she hissed, hands curling into small fists. She started to leap forward, but halted. “What happened?” she asked haltingly, fury making her voice shake.
“I raped my wife,” he responded flatly. “And she let me.”
“That’s a damn contradiction in terms, Dale. Thanks so much for clearing this up,” Jenny snapped, nails biting into her skin. “What happened?”
“Not a contradiction, not when it comes to Lauren. She didn’t want it, she said no. But she let me, because she wouldn’t deny me anything.” You’re my weakness, her voice whispered in his mind, taunting him, sickening him. “Was she okay?” he repeated roughly.
Lauren hadn’t been hurt, not physically. She was hurt inside, and afraid. But not for the reason Dale was thinking. The initial surge of anger faded quickly. No. She wasn’t hurt the way he was thinking she was. Whatever had happened hadn’t been against Lauren’s will. Otherwise, Jenny figured, Dale would have left the house in a body bag.
“No. She’s not hurting like that, Dale. If she were, you’d be in the river right now and I’d be throwing rocks at your worthless carcass.” She took a deep breath and said, “Whatever happened wasn’t against her will, Dale. She wouldn’t have looked like she did when I left if it was otherwise. That kind of assault would have infuriated Lauren, and you damn well know it. She would have been cleaning your blood from her hands. She wouldn’t be sitting there looking like her heart had been ripped out of her body.
And you don’t have it in you to hurt her that way.”
“You weren’t there.” He could still hear her voice as she said, Dale, wait. Not like this. He hadn’t cared, hadn’t listened.
“No. But I know her. Probably better than you. And I’ve seen women…” her voice trailed off. Seen the kind of hurt he was thinking, seen the lost vacant eyes, the terror that bloomed if a man so much as entered the room, the way a woman would cringe in fear like an animal. I’ve seen the kind of hurt you’re talking about. Lauren is heartbroken because she thinks she chased you away. She’s not hurting because of something you did, but because of something she did. She’s hurting inside. I think you are, too.”
Raggedly, he asked, “Why didn’t she tell me?” His jaw clenched and his eyes closed. “Damn it, Jenny. Why didn’t she tell me?”
“I don’t think she knew how,” Jenny said, sitting down on the concrete ledge. The cold wind whipped her hair around her face and she tugged her hood up.
“The same way she told you, I imagine. That would have worked.”
Jenny smiled sadly. Shaking her head, she said softly, “No. It wouldn’t have. I knew, Dale, the minute she told me she was pregnant. I knew who the father was. She never said a word.”
He dropped down, crouching on the ledge and shoving his sunglasses back on his head. “How did you know?”
“I’ve always known how she felt about you. I’ve known her for ten years, since we were in high school together. And I’ve never seen her even remotely interested in a guy. And then she told me one day about this guy who had moved in next door. ‘He makes my heart flip over,’ was what she said. And I knew it was the real thing.”
“Am I the only one who didn’t know how she felt?” he asked, shaking his head.
“I doubt that. Only people who know Lauren well would know. And very few know her at all. But I saw how she looked at you. It was written all over her face. I can’t believe you didn’t see it.”
“Maybe I didn’t want to,” he admitted, sighing heavily.
Jenny shrugged, not knowing the answer to that. “I have a hard time believing you didn’t figure it out before now. Lauren doesn’t do anything casually. She couldn’t have slept with another man while loving you.”
“So now I’m supposed to believe she’s been celibate for five years,” he muttered.
Jenny looked up, meeting his eyes levelly. “If I know Lauren, I’d say twenty five years is a closer guess.” She smiled as he paled, as what she was saying sank in.
“No.” He said it roughly, his eyes dark. That was it. That was when he had seen her eyes staring into his, wide with distress and pain, but swirling with the same need that burned inside him. The night he had gotten her pregnant, Lauren Spencer had been a virgin. “Absolutely, no.”
But he already knew otherwise. He had been the first. The only. “Hell.”
“Are you going to let this slip away?” Jenny asked quietly. “She loves you so much. And I know you love her.”
“No. I’m not going to let her go. She can be as cold as she damn well wants. But I’m not letting her go.” He spun around, striding to his
car.
“Wait,” Jenny said, jumping up and going after him. “Wait, damn it. Lauren isn’t cold,” Jenny said, blocking Dale’s way when he would have headed for his car. “She hides behind that. But she isn’t cold. She’s got the biggest heart of anybody I’ve ever known. It’s been stepped on too many times, by the people who were supposed to love her. She doesn’t trust herself any more. Hasn’t trusted herself for years. She’s gotten the worst from people for so long she’s learned to expect it, to think that’s all she deserves.”
He paused, frowning. “I know my wife, Jenny. She’s got a little more belief in herself in than that.”
“No, she doesn’t. Dale, Lauren’s scared to death right now that you’re going to leave her. She hurting inside and she doesn’t know how to show it, or how to tell you.” Her hands rose and fell helplessly as she struggled to describe the Lauren she knew existed. “She doesn’t fight like you and me. She doesn’t know how. Damn it, every time she ever cared about something, she lost it. She stopped letting it show when something mattered. Stopped pretending anything mattered. All she knows to do is shut down. And the more she hurts, the colder she gets. You’ll feel like you’re fighting a glacier.”
Dale shook his head, not linking the woman Jenny was describing to the one he knew. “I know she loves me. But she doesn’t trust me.”
“Yes, she does. She didn’t tell you because she didn’t trust you. She didn’t tell you because she does trust you, too much. She knew you’d do the right thing and she didn’t want to lock you into something you didn’t want.” Jenny stomped her foot and raised her clenched hands to her temples, shaking with sheer frustration. “She didn’t want a man who was there only because he felt obligated. And she deserves better than that, she and Krista both.”
Was it really that simple?
“She doesn’t love easily, Dale. She doesn’t trust easily. But she loves and trusts you; she was afraid of tying you in a place you didn’t want to be. And later, she was afraid of losing you. Be careful with her, Dale.” Jenny’s mossy green eyes filled with tears and she pressed her fingers to her mouth, forcing herself to take a deep calming breath. “She’s on the edge right now, she can’t keep getting rejected by the people she loves. She needs you so much.”
No, she doesn’t. He even opened his mouth to say that, but then he closed it, frowning. How well did he really know her? He didn’t know her any better now than he had less than a year ago, not really. He never would have known how she felt about him if it wasn’t for Krista.
Lauren never would have told him if he hadn’t gone to her first. If he hadn’t fallen in love with her.
Dale reached out, drawing Jenny close in a quick hug. Brushing a kiss across her cheek, he said, “Thank you.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
The house seemed oddly quiet when he entered it. Alex had been sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine, but rose when he came in, took one look at his face, and left.
He stood in the living room, wondering what he should do, how he should do it. If he should even bother.
A noise in the doorway had him raising his head. Lauren stood there, her face pale but otherwise composed. She wore a neatly buttoned black shirt tucked into a pair of slim fitting khakis. Her hair, dry now, was secured in its usual French braid.
She met his eyes squarely, levelly. He couldn’t see any clue that she was hurting, or scared, or even the slightest bit nervous. From a distance of ten feet, she stood with her hands tucked causally into her back pockets, head cocked slightly to the side.
“Where’s Krista?” he finally asked, unsure what to say, what to do.
“Sleeping. I just fed her,” Lauren said, her voice polite, distant. Cold.
He closed his eyes, turned away. “I’m sorry about what happened earlier. I can’t say that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t think about it, didn’t even care. And there’s nothing I can do or say that will change it, but I wanted you to know I’m sorry.”
Lauren took a deep, quiet breath and forced her shoulders into a casual shrug. “You didn’t hurt me, Dale. I’m fine. And there’s nothing for you to apologize about.”
“You said no. I didn’t listen.” He turned to look at her, knowing that avoiding her eyes was cowardly.
She flicked away a speck of lint from her black oxford cloth shirt before looking back at him. “I’ve said a lot of things in my life, Dale. I haven’t meant every single word I’ve ever uttered.” Then she headed into the kitchen. “I’ve got a yen for lasagna tonight. I’d better get it started if we want to eat any time soon.”
Dale followed her, watching with a dark frown on his face as she set a pot of water to boil. He gave it a minute, thinking maybe she just wanted to keep her hands occupied while she talked, but she said nothing, merely humming quietly under her breath as though nothing was wrong, as if her husband wasn’t standing there, waiting.
“We need to talk about this,” Dale said, his frustration level starting to rise as she continued to pull out ingredients for supper. Bell peppers, tomatoes, garlic, sausage. Her hands were rock steady and her face placid.
“Not much to talk about. You remembered what happened, after all, and we said everything that needed to be said already.”
Dumbfounded, he watched as she set about browning Italian sausage. She had just started slicing tomatoes and bell peppers when he walked up behind her. “I think this is a little more important than food, Lauren.”
She turned her head to him and asked, “What’s more important than food?”
“We had a fight. We need to settle it.”
“Oh, that.” She shrugged and turned her attention back to the food. Slicing an onion quickly, she added it to the pot that was starting to simmer on the stove. After washing her hands, she said, “I thought it was settled. I kept that night from you, did my best to make you think nobody had been there. I didn’t tell you I had gotten pregnant. You found out, were understandably angry. As for what happened this afternoon, I’m not hurt. What’s left to settle?”
Grabbing her elbow, he spun her around to face him. “How about the fact that you hid this from me all along? How about the fact that I damn near raped you earlier? How about the fact that I took your virginity with you standing up against a wall?”
A slight flush stained her cheeks and she looked away. “You didn’t rape me, Dale. It was uncomfortable for a second, but that’s all. And why on earth do you think I was a virgin?” she asked, her voice flat. God, please don’t let him know that. It was humiliating. It had been the most miraculous night of her life, up to that point, and he hadn’t even remembered it five minutes after it was over.
He moved his hands to her shoulders, giving her a gentle shake. “Damn it, Lauren. Stop it. I remember the whole damn thing. I hurt you. I remember how tight you were, and I remember seeing you flinch. You’d never been with a man before, and I fucked you like some whore in a cheap motel room.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “It had been a while, Dale. What’s the point of this? What does this have to do with me not telling you? That’s why you’re mad, right?”
Even as she spoke, the emotion faded from her eyes and her voice dropped several degrees. The ice was forming so quickly, Dale was ready to scream himself hoarse with frustration. “All she knows how to do is shut down. And the more she hurts, the colder she gets. You’ll feel like you’re fighting a glacier”.
A glacier. The frost was in her eyes, in her voice. So help me God, Dale thought, his hands tightening on her shoulders. I’ll break through that ice if it’s the last thing I do. Drawing her stiff body closer, he took her face in his hands, forcing her eyes to meet his.
“It has everything to do with it,” Dale whispered. “You loved me for years. I took what I wanted from you and called you another woman’s name. Do you expect me to believe that didn’t hurt? That it had nothing to do with why you didn’t tell me about Krista?”
Her only answer was a careless shrug of her shoul
ders.
“So it didn’t bother you at all? Won’t bother you if it happens again?”
Her eyes darkened, only for a moment, but it was enough. “It tore you apart,” he said quietly, caressing the satiny underside of her chin with his thumbs. “If I hadn’t
done that, if I had just slept with you and forgotten it, you would have reminded me, you would have told me about the baby.”
She clasped her hands around his wrists and tugged them away. “I dealt with it, didn’t I?” she asked, tossing her head arrogantly. Her gray eyes were as cold as the winter sky outside. With every word she spoke, the distance between them grew.
No. Dale thought viciously. She wouldn’t do this, not again. Not now. He stared at her for a moment, his mind racing. How did he get through to her, how did he touch her?
The same way he had the first time he had ever gotten through the remote wall she kept around herself.
And then, he moved around her, turned off the stove, then the lights. “Dale-”
Before she could finish her question, he scooped her up in his arms and headed out of the kitchen. He’d tried earlier to break through to her with words. He had already tried anger. It hadn’t worked.
This time, he swore, carrying her up the stairs, this time, he’d get through. He’d do things the way they should have been done from the beginning. “Dale, put me do…” Her words ended in a muffled groan as Dale covered her mouth his, pressing a chaste kiss to her mouth before pushing the bedroom door open with his shoulder. The lights were off, the only light being the pale, watery twilight outside.
He gently laid her on the bed, following her down and gathering her tense body up against his. He pressed gentle kisses to her eyes, his hand unweaving the intricate braid of her hair, then smoothing the wavy locks. “You said one time that you’d been seduced. Calling what happened a seduction is being kind, Lauren.” He straddled her hips and reached for the buttons on her shirt.
“Dale-”
“A seduction,” he told her softly, nuzzling her neck, “isn’t flash and fire. At least not right away.” He laid one hand against her collarbone, smoothed it down her torso, spreading her shirt as he stroked his way down to her navel. “It’s about soft words, promises.”
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