Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles
Winning for a Lifetime
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Dedicated to
Four of the world’s greatest emotion coaches, colleagues, and friends, who have shared their knowledge and skills with me, pulled me through, and at times even carried me on this journey.
• Kim Cardwell—without your willingness to review every single word of this manuscript, your organizational skills, and your insights…
• Lynn Jessen—without your insights into how kids think, your practical strategies, and your desire to be entertained…
• Marietta Rice—without your breadth of fresh ideas and your incredible teaching skills…
• Jenna Ruble—without your sensitivity to feelings and your insights into the complexities of emotions…
this book would not exist!
Thank you
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Greetings!
PART ONE
A New Perspective on Power Struggles
ONE
Winning for a Lifetime
PART TWO
Building the Connections
TWO
Emotion Coaching: The Decision to Connect
THREE
Bringing Down the Intensity: You’re the Role Model
FOUR
Enforcing Your Standards and Staying Connected
FIVE
Stopping the Tantrums: Teaching Kids How to Soothe and Calm Themselves
SIX
Empathy: What Really Keeps Kids Working with You
PART THREE
Caring; Knowing Yourself and Your Child
SEVEN
What Fuels Power Struggles: Identifying the Real Feelings and Needs
EIGHT
Why You Blow: Understanding Your Temperament
NINE
Why Your Child Loses It: Understanding Your Child’s Temperament
TEN
The “Silent Treatment” vs. the Talking Machine: Understanding Introverts and Extroverts
ELEVEN
Too Sensitive or Too Analytical? How We Make Decisions
TWELVE
When the Struggles Are More Than Normal: Recognizing Medical Issues
PART FOUR
Developing Competence: Teaching Life’s Essential Skills
THIRTEEN
Stressed-Out Kids: Learning to Deal with Life’s Ups and Downs
FOURTEEN
I Will! I Won’t! Balancing Boundaries and Independence
FIFTEEN
You’re Not My Boss! Learning to Be Assertive Rather Than Aggressive
SIXTEEN
Can We Talk About This? Learning to Get Along with Others
PART FIVE
Celebrating the Child Who Is More: Caring, Competent, and Connected
Epilogue
Recommended Reading List
Searchable Terms
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Writing Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles was at times a real struggle. This book would not have been completed without the insights, stories, questions, and support offered by many, many people. To them I wish to say thank you. In random order as always…
Joseph M. Kurcinka, my husband, friend, and life partner, who keeps me centered with his wit, helps me to see the vision of where I need to go, and offers endless hours of support.
Joshua and Kristina Kurcinka, my children, who have taught me a great deal about my own emotions, have helped me to hone my skills, and have been an absolute delight to parent.
Richard and Beatrice Sheedy, my parents, who have always believed in me and have been there for me.
Joseph A. and Mary E. Kurcinka, my father-and mother in-law, who raised a really neat son.
Megan Newman, my editor, who has trusted me, given me space and time to work, and offered key insights for the manuscript.
Megan’s assistants, Hillary Epstein and Matthew Benjamin, who always made sure that I got the information and support I needed.
Heide Lange, my agent, who has now coordinated three great book projects for me.
Susan Weinberg, an associate publisher at HarperCollins, for her leadership and support.
LeeAnn McCarthy, who first named my workshop “Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles” way back in 1993.
Barbara Majerus, Kathy Kurz, Helen Kennedy, and Suzanne Nelson, my sisters, who call and e-mail to offer their support.
Gary Smolik, the guy with the incredible vocabulary who as a fellow writer made the writing process much more fun and vibrant.
Debbie Ross, who coordinates my classes at the Jewish Community Center.
Peggy Gilbertson, the persistent, spirited adult who insists that I also teach for Southlake Clinic and Minnetonka Community Education.
Paul Krambeer, from the Jewish Community Center, who always ensures that my classroom is organized and ready for class.
Sharon Kaniess, Monell Jakel, Molly Hartenett, Joan Bergman, and Sue Ward, the staff at St. Paul Highland ECFE, who taught with me and shared their insights.
Terry Bedard, who helps to make our home a place of rest and rejuvenation.
The staff of Paidea, who let me watch them teach and share their stories with me.
Kelly Olson, Anne Gallagher, and Peggy Rhoden Rosemount, Apple Valley ECFE staff, who teach with me and put up with extra-long “debriefing” sessions.
Judi Marshall, Linda White, Jennie Smith, and Mary Kemper, ECFE staff, who have also tested the material for me.
Vicki Cronin, colleague and friend, whose enthusiasm is invaluable.
Ann Porter, Mary Boozell, Susan Reppe, Danielle McClusky, Marcia Sosso, and Lana Hanson, ECFE and Learning Readiness office staff, who always make me feel special with their warm greetings.
Karen Peckles, coordinator of Family Services for Rosemount Apple Valley, who has always supported my work.
Tom, Lindsey, and Kellen Fish, great neighbors and friends.
Tim Payne, the computer whiz who keeps my computer going.
Sharon Wentzel, who makes my slides for me and keeps my mailing list in order.
Megan Gunnar, Ph.D., University of Minnesota, who took time out of her very busy schedule to provide me with information.
Susan Hoch, Oleanna Books, who makes sure I’m aware of the latest publications.
Belina Reisman, who has offered rich insights into emotions and asked thought-provoking questions.
Ellen Seesel, for helping to edit the temperament questionnaire.
Jean Kummerow and Elizabeth Murphy, who shared their knowledge about individual differences with me.
Dr. Martha Erickson and Laurie Kanyer, who took time out of their busy schedules to discuss the attachment theories with me.
Sheila Thomas and Linda Lane, who provided information about sensory integration disorder.
Bonnie Sevcik and Cindi Martin, school psychologists who were willing to spend time with me developing and reviewing the medical chapter.
Sue Rybak, an occupational therapist who also helped me with the medical chapter.
Dr. Marjorie Hogan, a heartwarming pediatrician who provided information for the medical chapter and reviewed it after working a very, very long on-call shift.
Dr. David Griffin, a great pediatrician who allowed me to interview him for the medical chapter.
Judy Sagen, an Eastview teacher and choral director who helped me see the “steps.”
David Rice, Ph.D., and James Cameron, Ph.D., who spent hours with me reviewing the newest research on temperament.
Dr. George Shears, M.D., Nancy
Christianson, Joe Pulice, Jeanette Garcia, and Robert Brooks, Ph.D., all busy professionals who were willing to talk with me and share their knowledge.
Dan Ruckavina, who provided resources for me.
Harley Hanson, who handles the details of my travel so that I can write.
Dr. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas, who have encouraged and supported my work and been tremendous role models for me.
In memory of Joanne Ellison and Nancy Melvin, Ph.D., two very special women who have significantly influenced my life.
And, finally, to all of the parents and children who have been willing to share their stories with me, ask their honest and straightforward questions, and go below the surface to the real feelings and needs.
Thank you!
Greetings!
When I was writing my first book, I had recurring nightmares. Always I was on a mountainside or in an open field totally exposed. Each time people were throwing rocks and stones at me. One night the dream changed. On that night I was precariously perched on a narrow mountain trail. I carried my manuscript in outstretched arms. The steep incline of the path and the package I carried made it impossible for me to proceed. Stymied and exposed, I broke out in a cold sweat. It was then I heard my mother’s voice. “Look,” she said, “your father and I have been here ahead of you. There are steps you can walk down.” She pointed them out to me, then reached up and added, “Hand me your manuscript. I can hold it for you.” Gingerly I passed it to her, but I was still too frightened to take a step down. It was then I heard my husband say, “It’s okay. I’m right here behind you. You can do it.”
I woke from my dream with a great sigh of relief. After that night the nightmares stopped. The warmth and support I felt from my family protected and carried me. I was able to finish my book.
I thought of this dream and the deep connection I felt with my family over the next few years as I watched parents working with their kids. I saw parents who could scoop up a toddler heading for the electrical outlet, blow on their child’s tummy, and turn a potential power struggle into a delight of giggles. I watched the mother of a four-year-old stop him with just an arch of her eyebrow. I listened as a ten-year-old skillfully negotiated with his parents a plan that allowed him to spend time with his friend and get his room clean. And I saw parents and teens who were happily living and working together instead of declaring war. I wondered, How did they do it?
In my gut I sensed a connection between these parents and kids, like the one I felt with my own family, but I didn’t know what to call it or even how to describe it. It was more than love. I remember reading a newspaper column in which a woman had written, “When I was young, my mother never missed a chance to tell me how dumb, stupid, or unattractive I was. Although she told me often how much she loved me, she undermined my self-esteem with her cruel remarks.” No, love alone wasn’t enough. There was something more, and I was determined to discover it.
Fortunately, at that time there was a huge burst of research on emotions and emotional intelligence. When I first read Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence, I knew he’d found the key. Emotional intelligence describes our awareness of our own feelings and those of others. People who are emotionally intelligent are able to use their knowledge of emotions to nurture their most important relationships, and to build the connections that lead them to want to work together.
I brought the information about emotional intelligence to the parents in my groups. It was met with great relief because they, like I, were frustrated with most of the existing advice for parents that didn’t deal with the emotions that fueled their children’s behavior, and, even more important, didn’t help them understand their own. Could this information, they wondered out loud, help them to understand how a tike no taller than an adult’s kneecap could send a two-hundred-pound dad to the moon? And how an eight-year-old screaming “You can’t make me” could reduce an adult to tears? Indeed it could.
What I’ve learned is that children who recognize and understand their emotions are able to soothe themselves more effectively and blow up less frequently. They also don’t get into as much trouble because they’re less impulsive and more focused. Understanding emotions allows them to get along better with others. Emotional intelligence plays a significant role in their happiness and success in life.
So I scrutinized the emotional intelligence research and tried to solve the puzzle of how to apply it to real-life family situations. The parents in my groups helped me.
In the process of our study we were jolted into reality. In order to teach our children what they were feeling and how to manage their strongest emotions, like anger, frustration, and fear, we had to be able to do it for ourselves—even in the heat of the moment. The task is not an easy one, and it does take time, but it is feasible and definitely worth the effort.
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles brings you the information and insights parents in my groups found most helpful on their journey. I’ve also included their stories, fictionalized a bit to protect their privacy, but stories of real struggles, honest challenges, as well as crowning moments of success.
You can use Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles as your guide to go below the surface of those tugs of war to the world of emotions, a world where your heart connects with your child’s and results in a relationship you will both treasure. Here you will discover how to turn those flames of misbehavior into opportunities for learning and growing with your child. Here those most perplexing and difficult moments will be less confusing, and you will find parent-tested strategies that can allow both you and your child to be successful and happy.
Being a parent is like climbing a mountain. It’s an arduous task, and your work is exposed to review by the public at large. The world of emotions is just now being explored. When you choose to create that emotional bond with your child, you may feel as though you don’t know the way, or your arms are too full, or the task is daunting.
You don’t have to take this journey alone. You are among friends. This book can help you. It can show you the steps, lend you a hand, and point out to you others in your own life who can assist you as well. So come along. Take it at your own speed. Grab the handholds and choose the steps that feel most comfortable to you. Discover the world of emotions where the fights are fewer and further between, and parents and kids are working together because they want to.
PART ONE
A New Perspective on Power Struggles
ONE
Winning for a Lifetime
“Like a great mystery, power struggles are never solved until the real culprits have been identified.”
—Diane, mother of two
On the surface power struggles look like a tug of war. Parents and kids pitted against one another. Opposing forces pulling in different directions. Two individuals at odds with each other, both determined to win!
The trouble is that if you win by simply outmuscling your child, you still feel lousy. There’s little pleasure in victory when your child is left distressed and angry. If you lose, it’s even worse. What kind of a parent can’t even get a child to brush her teeth or finish her homework? Power struggles are frustrating. You don’t have all day to negotiate. You just want to get out of the door! And power struggles make you angry. Aren’t you supposed to be the parent in charge? Power struggles can leave you feeling scared and helpless. If it’s like this now, how will you survive your child’s adolescence? And power struggles can make you sad. Screaming at your kids wasn’t part of your dream.
What I’ve learned after more than twenty years of working with families is that daily fights are not inevitable. You don’t have to walk constantly on eggshells in order to avoid the blowups. You don’t have to doubt yourself or feel exhausted from defending yourself. Like a diver discovering the beauty of a coral reef, going below the surface of a power struggle can take you to a new place, a place where parents and kids are working together and power struggles are few and far between. Below the surface, you’ll d
iscover that power struggles are about feelings and needs—yours and your child’s.
Recognizing those emotions is the key to stopping power struggles before they ever start. Responding to those emotions builds the relationship that makes your child want to work with you.
Discipline isn’t just about winning or losing. Every power struggle offers you the opportunity to connect with your child or to disconnect. The relationship you will have with your child when he’s an adolescent lies in the words and actions you use today. Ultimately your real power is in that emotional bond.
Why Emotions?
Over the years as I’ve worked with families, I have found that every family experiences power struggles. I’ve heard parents express frustrations over kids who’ve looked right at them, smiled, and then done what they’ve just been told not to do. Kids who’ve vehemently declared, “You’re not my boss!” Capable kids who’ve suddenly refused to walk upstairs alone, finish their homework, or cried “Don’t leave me!” when it was time to go to bed, even though they’ve been going to bed on their own for months or years.
The parents have told me they’ve tried time-outs, reward systems, insisting that their kids “toughen up” or stop being a “baby,” and even spanking, but the struggles haven’t stopped. I finally realized that the struggles continued because reward systems, time-outs, demands to “not feel that way,” and spankings put a “lid” on the behaviors but failed to address the real fuel source behind them. As a result it was as though someone had put the lid back on a pot of boiling water but failed to turn down the heat. The water continued to boil and inevitably the lid popped off again.
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