3. Monitoring Your Feelings
Staying on a diet is much easier if no one sets a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies in front of you. But once those cookies are right there at your fingertips, the smell and sight of them can be too tempting. Despite your best efforts and determination not to eat sweets, you succumb.
Standards define our goals. They help us to know what we’re shooting for, but like a dieter, it’s much easier to reach our goals if we don’t test ourselves too severely. The earlier we can identify an emotion, the easier it is to manage it and choose a more deliberate response. The key is to learn how to monitor your emotions.
On the day I helped my son complete his college applications, and I ended up yelling at him. This activity was supposed to be a mother-son bonding experience. Instead I ended up bellowing at him. One of my standards is that I don’t want to yell at my kids, but on that evening I let loose. Why? A failure to monitor my feelings put me right over the edge.
After two days of leading workshops for several hundred people, I’d gotten up at three-thirty that morning to drive from my hotel to the airport and fly twelve hundred miles home to Minneapolis. Arriving at lunchtime, I spent the afternoon raking leaves in our backyard—no easy task since it’s filled with towering oak trees.
My son was hiking the Superior Trail, three hours north of us along Lake Superior. He was supposed to be home at four P.M. so we could finish his college applications, which were due into his school counselor’s office the next day. At four P.M. he called from Duluth. His ride hadn’t arrived on time, and they were just leaving. At seven he arrived home, hungry, dirty, and eager to tell us about his trip. By the time he finished eating, showering, doing homework, and placing a quick call to his girlfriend, it was ten-thirty P.M. I was sitting at the dining room table waiting for him when he walked past me to the family room, picked up a golf club his sister had left there, and started putting. That’s when I yelled!
What happened? I ignored my fatigue—focusing instead on the deadline. I didn’t say anything about my growing frustration. Nor did I unscramble the jumble of emotions whirling inside of me, including sadness that he would be leaving home. What I really wanted to yell was, “I can’t believe we are already here. How can you be leaving so soon?” And my excitement, “Wow, we really are here, and I’m proud of you!” And maybe there was even a twinge of envy as I looked at all of the possibilities that were open to him and wished that I could be in his shoes. I didn’t monitor my feelings. I didn’t say a word—until I screamed.
Later I found out my son wasn’t stalling just to get me or to be disrespectful, he was scared about filling out those applications. He, too, knew they meant he was leaving. We both failed to monitor our feelings and reacted instinctively. I struck out. He shut down.
What Are You Feeling?
When you awake in the morning and feel a sense of discomfort, think about what emotions you are experiencing. Are you exhausted? Do you dread going to your job? Are the payments on the couch that you just put on lay-a-way pushing you beyond your budget? Are you feeling guilty, wanting to spend more time with your child?
When you find yourself shrieking at your child over the bowl of cereal he’s not eating or the pair of shorts she’s refusing to wear, stop and ask yourself, What am I really feeling? What emotions have been boiling inside of me before we started fighting over this little tiny thing? Is my anger really about cereal or something else?
It’s important to know that anger is often a second emotion. Before it, you’ve usually experienced a “first feeling,” such as frustration, disappointment, fear, or sadness. Look past your anger and ask yourself, What was my first feeling? What’s really fueling my reaction?
If monitoring feelings is new to you, simply try to catch yourself and pause for fifteen seconds throughout the day. Start by noting the most common feelings. Are you hungry? When do you feel fatigued? What makes you happy? What frightens you? Do noises irritate you? As you become more comfortable with these feelings, it will be easier to perceive the more subtle ones. Then, for example, the next time you’re sitting on the beach and your child again dashes for the water even though he can’t swim, instead of telling yourself, If he does that again I’m going to scream, recognize your emotion: I am exhausted. I’m getting frustrated. I’m not having fun anymore. It’s time to go home. When you recognize your emotion, you can choose your response. You always have that choice.
Know Your Stress Cues
According to Lawrence Shapiro in How to Raise a Child with a High EQ, 55 percent of emotions are communicated nonverbally and 38 percent through voice tone. That leaves only 7 percent communicated through actual words! Often it’s much easier to monitor your actions than it is to name your feelings.
During dinner one night, my daughter turned to me and asked, “What’s wrong, Mom?” I was startled by her question. I hadn’t said anything.
“Why do you ask?” I questioned.
“Because you just let out your ‘something’s wrong’ sigh,” she replied. Kris was right. I had had an upsetting day, but I wasn’t even aware of my feelings. The sigh had simply come out of me. Her observation made me stop, reflect on my day, and check my feelings.
Think about your body cues. What do you do when the stress hormones are surging through your body? Here’s what other parents have said.
I slam doors.
I become impatient.
I start sounding like a drill sergeant.
I start screaming at the kids.
I don’t smile.
I won’t talk on the phone.
I rush.
I forget things.
I lock into my deadline or schedule and refuse to alter it even though everyone is falling apart.
Think about your “stress behaviors.” Become aware of them so that the next time you realize you are gritting your teeth, clenching the steering wheel of your car, screaming at the kids, or feeling a headache building, you’ll know that it’s time to stop, think, and take preventive measures. This is especially important before you join your family for the evening or your kids come home from school or you start the bedtime routine. If your stress level is high when you begin, you’ll blow up over anything. Know, too, that your stress can agitate other members of your family. Monitoring your emotions and taking steps to manage those feelings before you blow helps the others to keep their cool, too.
Recognize When You’re Most Vulnerable
I often ask the parents in my classes what days of the week or times of the day they are most vulnerable. They always have an immediate answer. For many it’s Monday mornings that are a real “test” for meeting their standards. Others name a specific night when multiple commitments keep them on the run and emotions running high. When you identify these high stress times, you can plan for them, slow down, and manage your feelings more effectively. For example, you might decide not to schedule meetings on Monday mornings until ten A.M. so you won’t feel rushed. Or you might order in pizza or get the Crock-Pot going so that dinner is ready when you come home on that “crazy” night. If an unexpected change in plans—like the school nurse calling to tell you your child needs to be seen by a doctor—typically upsets you, teach yourself to recognize that you are more vulnerable to blowups when you’re surprised.
Thinking about your “vulnerable spots” also helps you to “change your frame.” Your kids pick up your stress. If you know this is a vulnerable time for your whole family, it’s easier to pause, take the deep breath, and then give the hug, listen more carefully, or tie the shoe one more time—the right way—instead of screaming.
In many families strong feelings are often ignored or squelched. If life experiences have made your feelings unreachable to you, working with a competent counselor can be a great benefit. Your ability to recognize your own feelings is at the heart of teaching your child how to manage hers.
4. Learning Effective Strategies
If you’re not going to shriek or hit, w
hat can you do when that surge of emotions strikes? The most effective strategy you can use is a simple pause! Taking one second to breathe deeply or count to ten gives your brain time to shift from “fight or flight” into the neocortex, or thinking brain. When you stop, even for a moment, you can start thinking again and choose a more suitable response. That’s it—a pause!
Tim used this strategy to turn what could have been a disconnect into a connect for him and his son. “I’ve got a home office,” he told me. “My two-year-old likes to come in and sit on my lap, but last time he started to kick my papers. Normally I’d grab him, drag him out of there, toss him in his room, and let him scream. This time I paused. How do I want to respond? I thought. What do I want to teach him? Instead of yelling at him and tossing him out, I firmly took hold of his feet and told him, ‘You may not kick my papers.’ And then I said, ‘You can choose to stay here and color, or you can get down.’ He stopped and grinned. “It worked! I think because I was so calm and clear he listened. He ended up playing in the office for the next forty-five minutes, and then we took a cookie break.”
Next time you get caught in the heat of the moment, pause. It may amaze you how effective such a simple strategy can be!
Take a Break
If you’ve gone too far without catching your emotions, a pause may not be enough for you to regain your composure. You may need to step away for a few minutes. Instead of stomping away or shouting, “I’m not talking to you,” calmly say, “I need a minute. I’ll be back.” It’s the reassurance that you’ll be back, you’re staying connected, you’re simply taking a break to calm yourself, that makes stepping away very different from the instinctive reaction of breaking off. If at this point you don’t dare open your mouth, you can talk later and explain to your child that when you get so upset all you can do is step away, but you will come back. It’s a promise. If your child is very young, make sure he’s in a safe place when you step away. Older kids can begin to understand that you just need a few minutes.
When you take your break, be sure to do something that distracts you from the issue long enough for you to calm down. Avoid stewing or building your case while you’re away. Ruminating only increases your intensity. If you can, go for a walk. Remember your brain is saying “fight or flight.” Walking gives you a suitable outlet. If your kids are little, put them in the stroller and go outside. If it’s too cold or it’s raining, walk up and down your hallway or around the table. Allow yourself to move. If all else fails, fill the sink with warm soapy water and start washing dishes! It’ll actually soothe you.
When Your Child Won’t Let You Step Away
Stepping away can be challenging if your child is too young to be left alone, or if she tends to follow you.
Tom was a very involved, patient dad who found himself at his wits’ end after a rainy, nasty day with his two-year-old son, Jacob. Tom knew he was ready to blow up. So he said to Jacob, in a firm, controlled voice. “Daddy needs a break. You sit here on the couch and read a book for a few minutes and Daddy is going to sit in the chair next to the couch and read his paper.” Big-eyed, the toddler crawled up onto the couch and started “reading.” Dad did the same. After about five minutes, Jacob said to his dad, “How about if we cuddle now?” Much more relaxed, Tom was ready to hold his son.
If your child is older and will not let you step away, you might have to get help. Sandy adopted her daughter, Katrina, when she was two years old. Bedtime was a horrendous struggle every night. Sandy knew that Katrina had suffered neglect and possibly abuse. Being left alone was extremely threatening to this child, and the battles were fierce. There were times Sandy knew she needed to walk away for a minute, but when she did, her daughter followed and hit her. If Sandy walked into her own bedroom and shut the door, Katrina pounded on it and screamed. Finally, Sandy decided to try another tactic. She told Katrina that she would always come back, but that she needed to take a break when she got too angry. If Katrina couldn’t or wouldn’t let her take one, the neighbor would come and help them. The neighbor had agreed that if Sandy called she would come over and stay with Katrina while Sandy walked outside.
The next time Katrina started having a tantrum, Sandy found herself seething. She tried to walk away. Katrina followed, hitting her. Sandy turned to Katrina and asked, “Can you let me take a break or do I need to call the neighbor?” Katrina hit her again. Sandy called the neighbor, who sprinted over and stayed with Katrina, calming her, while Sandy took the other kids and walked outside for ten minutes.
This happened three times. Each time Sandy would ask, “Can you let me take a break in the house, or do I need to call the neighbor?” Finally, the fourth time, Katrina allowed her mother to take her break. She sat outside the bedroom door, but she didn’t pound and she didn’t scream. After five minutes Sandy came out again and they were able to get ready for bed.
Sometimes children who have experienced a significant loss or separation such as divorce, a major move, death, or foster care find a parent stepping away terrifying. They feel abandoned and try everything to keep the parent with them. If this is your child, it’s important to understand her vulnerability, to explain that you are not abandoning her. You will come back. You are simply calming down. It may be necessary to find someone who can support your child while you cool off.
Ask for Help
A sympathetic hug, a friend willing to listen to your woes, can be one of the most effective ways to defuse anger. If you’ve had a horrible, no-good, rotten day, and the kids are picking up on your stress, ask your partner for a hug. If you are single parenting, call a friend, neighbor, or your local help line. Find someone who can support you. When you’re exhausted, employing a tag team is definitely the way to go.
Kathy cleared her throat. “I can’t do that,” she stated matter-of-factly. “If I ask for help, I feel like I’m a failure or like I’m giving in.”
Brenda turned to Kathy, “My husband travels all week, so I’m alone with the kids a lot. There are nights when getting all three of them to bed seems impossible. My daughter especially can be very demanding of me. What I finally realized is that no matter how much I do or how much attention I give her, I can’t ‘fix’ it for her. She misses her dad. I can be sympathetic and support her, but I can’t keep her from feeling lonely or scared. When I realized that, it was a great relief to me because the ‘trigger’ for me was the feeling that I should be able to do this. I should be able to give her everything she needs, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. When I accepted that and allowed myself to say I can’t parent five days a week, twenty-four hours a day all by myself, and instead asked for help, everything started to get better.”
Our value of self-sufficiency and independence can get us into trouble when it comes to raising kids. If you look cross culturally at other countries, you’ll find a child’s life is filled with aunts and uncles who may or may not actually be related to them, but who are adults who love them and support one another. We don’t have to do it alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; learning to recognize our limits is a very important skill to teach our children.
Make a Plan
The key to all of these strategies is talking about them with the other members of your family. The middle of a blowup is not a teachable time, but later, when everyone is calm, you can go back and say, “Next time let’s agree that we can say, ‘I need a break or a hug.’ Create “magic words,” phrases that you can use in the heat of the moment to remind everyone to pause, like “Break time!” “Let’s count to ten.” “Let’s stop, then start again.” Or, “Everybody, breathe deeeeeeply!”
In class I always ask parents to write down their plan for managing their strong feelings. When we have a plan, we make better decisions, are more attentive, listen better, and even ask more questions! In other words we monitor more closely, and as a result we’re more effective.
Select a goal for the next month. Say to yourself, “When it comes to managing my strong feelings my goal is to
…” Write your goal down. It’s important that your goal is for the month, and not specifically for each day. You have to allow yourself to practice, and if you expect that you’ll do it every day and then fail, it’s more likely that you’ll quit. If your goal is for the month, you can pick yourself up and try again.
Here are some goals other parents have selected.
I’m going to learn more about managing my stress.
I’m going to monitor how frequently I yell.
I’m going to try to count to ten.
I’m going to pause and monitor my feelings before I walk in the door at night.
I’m going to stop to ask for a hug.
Savor your moments of success, your tiny steps of progress. Learning to respond thoughtfully even when you’re angry is tough. It’s easier if you remember that kids have a reason for their behavior and they’re not just “out to get you.” Discovering what those feelings are begins with managing your own strong emotions. No words or punishments will ever teach your children how to manage their feelings as effectively as your example.
* * *
Coaching Tips
Recognize when you’re reacting.
Change the frame: Your child isn’t “out to get you.” Look for the reason.
Clarify your standards. Know what you’re not going to do.
Monitor your feelings. Catch yourself before you’re ready to blow.
Remember, a mere pause can help you keep your cool.
Make a plan for managing your strong feelings.
FOUR
Enforcing Your Standards and Staying Connected
“I had this fantasy that my child and I would walk hand in hand across the park. Little did I know that when he got mad he would spit on me….”
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles Page 6