If, in order to give your child space, you have to forcibly keep her in her room, this technique is not a helpful one for her. Remember, you’re trying to teach her strategies she can use to soothe herself whether she’s a toddler or an adult. Your child may be one who needs to go for a run when she’s upset, or slide into a tub of soothing warm water. When you realize she’s starting to lose it, pull her out of the situation, but rather than sending her to her room, help her choose a soothing, calming activity that works better for her.
Deep Breathing
There’s a reason women learn deep breathing in childbirth classes. It changes the carbon dioxide levels in the body and soothes and calms. Even young children can learn the benefits of deep breathing. When your child is experiencing a strong emotion, name it, then tell him he can help himself feel better by breathing deeply. Place your child’s hand on his belly button and teach him to pull his breaths from there. You can also purchase a bottle of bubbles, the kind with a wand. As your child blows, help him to notice that he has to breathe from his belly to blow the best bubbles. Even toddlers can learn to take a deep breath and cool themselves down. Older kids can use this strategy before taking an exam, going up to bat, or when they’re ready to punch an irritating little sister.
Distractions
Five-year-old Brent was mad. He’d been sent to the director’s office after disrupting his classroom. Initially, he simply crawled under the table and sat there, but he was only getting angrier. “This isn’t working,” the director told him. “Come and play Construx; that always helps you.” He did and was soon feeling better. At that point she asked him, “Why didn’t sitting under the table help you, but doing Construx did?” “Because when I do Construx,” he explained, “I can’t think about what made me so angry.” Offering your child an activity that engages him completely and distracts him from his aggravation can be a very effective way to bring down intensity It needs to be something that truly engages him so that he’s not ruminating, telling himself, When I get out of here, I’m going to…If he has time to ruminate, it’s likely that his intensity will simply rise.
Sensory Activities
Opening a window, going outside, taking a warm bath, listening to music, playing with modeling clay or Play-Doh, painting, washing dishes, playing an instrument, all are sensory activities that can soothe and calm a jumpy body. When your child starts to whine, point out to her that she’s feeling distressed. Encourage her to ask for a back rub, get out the Play-Doh, take a bath, play the piano, or do something else that feeds her senses. Sensory activities calm us when we need it the most. In case you’re feeling skeptical, next time you’re talking on the phone and your child starts to fuss or even cry, pull a chair up to the kitchen sink and let her play in warm water while you talk. You’ll be amazed!
Is This “Spoiling”?
“Excuse me,” Peter declared, “but I’m finding it just a bit difficult to swallow this advice. You’re telling me that when my child starts stomping and storming, I’m supposed to give him the hug he wants, or take him out for a walk, or draw a nice hot bath for him. Isn’t this just giving him what he wants? Aren’t I spoiling him?”
Bringing down the intensity is merely the first step in effective emotion coaching. Your child cannot hear you, nor can he process information, when his brain is flooded with neural static. This is not a teachable moment. His “thinking brain” is out of gear. You have to calm him down before you can work with him. Once everyone is calm, the teaching begins. It is essential that you go back and talk with your child about what he was feeling, what behaviors are unacceptable, and what you expect him to do or say the next time he experiences those emotions. You’re not spoiling him when you give him that hug because you’re not stopping there. You’re merely opening the lines of communication so that he can hear you.
When You Don’t Know What Soothes and Calms Your Child
David and Beth caught me after class. “We really don’t know what soothes our child,” they said. “Nothing seems to work.” I agreed to visit them at their home to see if I could help. When I arrived, three-year-old Seth shouted, “Hi, Mary Kurcinka,” then ran into the playroom and started to bounce on his favorite horse. Up and down he went, his head a bobbing target. I sat on the floor near his horse, asking a few questions that he cheerfully answered. I offered to show him how to make volcanoes, my way of teaching kids how to monitor their feelings. He jumped off his horse and dashed for the dining room table with me. Together we talked about emotions. I asked him to tell me something that made him happy, sad, angry, and frustrated. Each time he answered we added a dash of vinegar to the “volcano,” a wineglass set on a tray. When the glass was nearly full, we tossed in a teaspoon full of soda and watched the volcano erupt. He had fun, and I had the opportunity to test his emotion vocabulary and discover whether or not he recognized the experiencing of a “volcano” inside of him. I even pulled out my cotton balls to see if he knew what soothed and calmed him.
It was all a bit much for him, and the next thing I knew he was running downstairs to the unfinished basement. There he proceeded to do flips on a mattress. Then he grabbed a bat and started hitting it against a plastic climber.
Watching him, I said to his parents, “Wow, he really knows what soothes and calms him.”
“What do you mean?” they asked incredulously.
I explained that when I arrived, Seth’s intensity shot up. “He immediately jumped on his horse.” I said. “That’s repetitive, physical motion. Then we made the volcanoes. The interaction was a bit too much for him, and his intensity went up further. He needed more space. So he ran down to the basement. There he did a few somersaults for a physical outlet, and then he started repeatedly hitting the climber with the bat. That’s repetitive motion.”
“That’s an interesting perspective,” David remarked. “I’m not sure the relatives would share it with you. He does the same thing at family gatherings. They think he’s just being wild.”
Create a Plan
“I can understand.” I laughed. “But let’s talk about what he needs. If you know that repetitive physical motion soothes him, what can he respectfully do at Grandma’s?
“There is a big rocker,” Beth immediately replied. “I could rock him.”
“We probably could take his horse,” David added. “It doesn’t take up that much room.”
“How could you give him space?” I asked.
“I guess we could plan to take him outside when he starts revving up,” David suggested. I agreed.
“Any other physical outlets?” I asked.
“I’ve noticed,” Beth said, “that if he’s had time to run and ride his trike before we go over, he’s better.”
“That’s probably why,” I agreed. “He’s walking in with a few cotton balls already in his system.”
“Anything else that works that you could take with you?” I asked.
Beth picked up a stuffed duck sitting on the table. “He loves his duck, and I could take some Play-Doh. He’ll play with that for a long time.”
Think about your child. What does she do when she’s upset? If you have an eleven-year-old who bolts from the room and refuses to talk to you, she’s letting you know she needs space. You can teach her to say respectfully, “I’m very angry right now and need a break.” Then let her go, knowing you’ll deal with this issue later when everyone is calm. If you have a high-energy child who rolls into a frenzy of activity or starts picking on the people around her when her intensity rises, teach her to get on her Rollerblades or go for a run when she feels that volcano building inside of her. Even better, teach your older child to plan daily exercise including weight lifting, aerobics, etc., into her routine as a preventive measure. Exercise raises the level of serotonins in the body. Serotonins are nature’s natural soothing agents. They serve as a cushion for later when irritations mount throughout the day, making it much easier to manage strong feelings.
Whether your child is two or fifteen,
you can help him plan soothing, calming activities so that he can be successful. Think about the most challenging situation for your child, whether it’s attending a family gathering, an outing, or an athletic event; getting dressed in the morning; being dropped off at day care; taking or preparing for a test; coming home from school or a birthday party. Together, create a plan of what he can do. Include preventive measures, activities he can do before a stressful situation, as well as things he can do when he starts to feel that volcano rumbling in his body.
When the Anger Turns to Rage
Annette listened carefully to the suggestions. “We’ve been working on this,” she said, “but my granddaughter still loses it and when she does she feels so terrible afterward. She’ll say, ‘Grandma, I don’t know what happened. I just couldn’t stop myself. I hate myself!’”
If you have been working with your child, consistently enforcing your standards, monitoring emotions, and teaching him strategies of what he can do and he’s still struggling to be successful, it’s time to call a professional, someone who can help you identify the real fuel source behind your child’s rage. While it’s true that all kids get angry and experience meltdowns, if the bad days are consistently outnumbering the good ones, and your child rolls from one tantrum to the next with an intensity and fury that leave both of you hurt and frightened, it’s time to get help.
A competent professional can help you and your child. Don’t delay. The older your child, the more challenging it is to teach him more appropriate responses. It’s never too late, but it does take more time, effort, and practice.
Savor Your Successes
Paul was elated when he walked into class the following week. “Go ahead, ask for successes,” he challenged me. I laughed and waved my hand to give him the floor.
“Last Friday my wife went out with her friends,” he began. “That left me home with Nicole, our two-year-old. I was beat. I’d been up since three o’clock in the morning. I planned that we’d have supper and then afterward we’d watch Barney because I knew she’d like it and it would put her to sleep.
“About five o’clock she starts whining. ‘I want to watch Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney.’ Normally I would have said, ‘You say that one more time, and you won’t watch Barney at all.’ But I kept thinking, Connect, don’t fuel it. I didn’t want to say, ‘Yes, watch it,’ because if she watched it at five she’d fall asleep for fifteen minutes and then she’d be up until eleven. There was no way I’d last until then. So I told her we were going to watch Barney after we ate.
“‘Barney, Barney, Barney,’ she wailed.
“I thought of the list of things that soothe and calm. Distraction came to mind. I’d bought a tub of popcorn for us to eat while we watched the video, so I showed it to her and said, ‘When we watch Barney later, we’ll eat popcorn.’”
The other parents of two-year-olds groaned, knowing what came next.
Paul grinned sheepishly. “I know, I know,” he said. “It was worth a shot, but of course when she saw the popcorn, she wanted to eat it now! I thought about the list again. What else could I do?” he continued.
At this point, I interjected, “That’s great. You tried one thing; it didn’t work, so you went on to something else. That’s what we have to do—monitor and adjust.”
He nodded and a big grin spread across his face. “Play-Doh!” he declared. “She loves Play-Doh, and we have twelve cans of it. Do you know how long it takes a two-year-old to carry twelve cans of Play-Doh from the shelf to the table? Long enough for me to make dinner,” he replied, answering his own question.
“So she played with the Play-Doh, which calmed her down, and then we ate, which distracted her. While we were eating I told her that after dinner we’d go outside for a walk. She loves to be outside, so that was no problem. Then while we were walking, I told her that we’d go in, put on her pajamas, pop the popcorn, and watch Barney. She cooperated completely, and I had her in bed and sound asleep thirty minutes before her normal bedtime.” His chest puffed up, and his grin spread from ear to ear.
Brita laughed with Paul. “You had it easy,” she teased him. “You only had to focus on Nicole. I have three kids, and my husband’s usually out of town, but I had a good night, too!” He gave her a thumbs-up, and she continued, “I’ve got laundry and stuff to do, too, but I thought about catching the feelings while they’re small, so when the kids started moaning and groaning, I stopped everything and focused on them. I sent the eight-year-old in for a bubble bath, gave the three-year-old Play-Doh, and helped the nine-year-old with his math. Everybody calmed down, including me. Then they just started to play on their own. I made dinner, got the laundry folded, and paid the bills!”
Why were Paul and Brita successful? They stopped and focused on their kids, recognizing the opportunity to teach an essential life skill. They monitored those feelings and caught them while they were still manageable. And then they helped their children to understand those emotions and choose activities that helped them keep their cool. Through their words and actions, Paul and Brita stayed connected with their kids.
When you teach your child to monitor his emotions and give him strategies he can use to soothe and calm himself, you enhance his emotional intelligence. You empower him, allowing him to feel more in control. He doesn’t have to be a victim of his strong emotions. Of course, not every day will be perfect, but gradually the good days really will start to outnumber the bad ones. Your child will learn to keep his cool when you’re his ally. And it’s much easier to be his ally when you can see the world from his point of view.
* * *
Coaching Tips
Be your child’s ally.
Pick up your child’s “cues” while the emotions are easier to manage.
Teach your child what soothes and calms him.
Plan daily exercise for your child.
Know when to take a break.
Make a plan.
Know when you need to seek help.
SIX
Empathy
What Really Keeps Kids Working with You
“Empathy not only matters, it is the foundation of effective parenting.”
—John Gottman
I was standing in line at an arts and crafts festival waiting to purchase some fresh lemonade. The sun was hot, reflecting off the asphalt, and the air heavy with humidity. Perspiration beaded on my forehead, and my T-shirt clung to my back. Gnats, drawn by my hair spray, buzzed around my head and tried to crawl in my ears. Ahead of me in line a little boy about four wailed as his mother held him. I could understand his feelings. The day was sweltering, and there really wasn’t all that much for kids to do. The festival was more for adults than kids, except, that is, for one colorful toy booth filled with bright, bold wooden trucks and trains. Unfortunately, they were a bit pricey, so I wasn’t surprised when I realized the little boy had wanted one, but his mother had said no. Now the tears streamed down his face.
As we stood in line, his wails made the heat and our thirst even less easy to bear. But I was still surprised when I overheard the woman in line behind me mutter, “A good smack on the butt would fix that kid!”
I was troubled by the woman’s words. Later, I asked my friend Marietta, “Why would someone want to hit a child for feeling sad?”
“Because, Mary,” my friend replied, “she didn’t hear his sadness.”
The Importance of Sensitive Responses
In order to be open to your guidance your child has to be able to trust that you will hear his feelings such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, hunger, fear, and fatigue and respond in a warm predictable way that is in tune with his signals. A sense of trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships. If your child cannot trust you, he cannot allow you to have power over him.
Dr. Martha Farrel Erickson, Director of the Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium, says, “There are two key messages a child needs to receive in order to develop a sense of trust:
I can count
on my caregiver to respond sensitively to my needs.
I am worthy of attention.”
All children, not just infants, need to hear these messages repeatedly in order to build healthy relationships.
Trust implies a firm belief and confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, and justice of another person. A synonym for trust is faith. Faith is unquestioning belief, as in, Children usually have faith in their parents. Faith is loyalty and allegiance. Your child must be able to believe in you, trust in you, and have faith in you in order to be willing to work with you.
Responding Empathetically
In order to respond sensitively to your child and build that sense of trust between you, you have to be able to consider the world from his point of view. Being able to project yourself into your child’s emotions in order to understand him better is called empathy, and empathy is at the root of effective parenting.
But sometimes it’s tough to be a sensitive, empathetic caregiver when your child’s sadness, frustration, or fear is all mixed up with sweeping accusations, hitting, screeching, and refusals to cooperate. That’s what happened to Julie.
Tuesdays were always tough. It was the one and only morning that Julie taught a piano lesson before school. She wasn’t even sure how she’d gotten into giving lessons, but she had. It was a way to add to their monthly income and still be home with her kids. The family needed the extra cash, but today it hardly seemed worth it. She was rushing. Heat crawled up her neck, flushing her face. She blew her bangs off her forehead and tried to think of what she needed to do before she started the piano lesson.
It was then she remembered she’d promised to help her seven-year-old, Hannah, with her math problems. There had been two soccer games the night before, and her husband had been out of town. By the time they got to homework Hannah was too tired to do it, so Julie had sent her to bed.
So there she was trying to put on a dash of makeup and help Hannah at the same time, when she heard six-year-old Todd start down the hall. She stuck her head out the door and hurriedly demanded, “Get dressed. We’re running late.” Entering her room, he screamed, “No, I won’t. You can’t make me!” Then he lunged for his sister, nearly knocking her down and pulling her paper from her grasp. Julie screamed, “What are you doing?” as Todd crumpled into a sobbing heap on the floor.
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles Page 10