Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  So take a look. When your child starts to cry, is your first reaction to comfort him? Or are his tears a trigger, setting off fears that he’s out to get you or trying to control you? When your child is sad, can you hear that sadness and meet his need for comfort, or do you hear only a demand to fix it? Emotion coaches recognize emotions as opportunities for connecting and for teaching.

  What About Me?

  You might be feeling exhausted right now, thinking, What about me? Can’t I expect that my child will respect the fact I’m tired? I work all day, or I go to school. I’m a single parent, or I’ve got other kids and my partner travels. What about my needs?

  If you are feeling resentment as you respond to your child’s emotions, and if it feels as though you are expending too much energy, stop and monitor your own feelings. Do you need to take steps for reducing your stress? Do you need to try to find support for yourself? If your child is young, you are the giver. You can’t expect a two-year-old to meet your needs. You have to be the adult and seek support from other adults. Sherry found this to be true for herself.

  “When my daughter was disappointed, I did listen and soothe, but then I ran out of gas. I couldn’t do it anymore. When my husband came home, I simply said, ‘She’s yours,’ and walked away.”

  Knowing when to ask for help is important. When you need a break, accept it and seek support. Both you and your child will stand a much better chance of getting what you need.

  If your child is older, you can begin to expect the relationship to be more reciprocal. Your child can learn to be empathetic, too, and you can help her by listening to her feelings and needs and then working with her to address yours as well. Brita found a solution that worked for both her and her daughter.

  Brita is a single parent with two children, a seven-year-old daughter and a five-month-old son. On a night when she was terribly exhausted, her daughter Lindsey refused to go to bed, pleading, “Sit with me. Rub my back. Stay with me, I’m scared.” Brita did sit with her for a few minutes and allowed her to keep all the lights on, but then she needed to attend to the baby. She couldn’t stay. And she was physically exhausted.

  “I know you want to be near Mommy right now,” she told her daughter. “And I know you are feeling scared. But I cannot stay. What else would make you feel safe and comfortable?”

  “Can I sleep in your bed?” Lindsey asked. Her mother agreed, saying, “Yes, until I come to bed. Then I will carry you into your own bed, and you’ll need to sleep there.” Lindsey agreed to the arrangement and crawled into her mother’s bed. She felt safe and secure there. The smell of her mother’s perfume and shampoo on the sheets comforted her, and she snuggled deep down into them, falling asleep quickly. As a result, her mother got the break she desperately needed so that when it was time to move Lindsey she had the energy it took to carry Lindsey to her own room, rub her back a few minutes, and let her fall back to sleep.

  It doesn’t always work this well. The younger or more stressed your child, the less she will be able to be reciprocal. There are times when, as the parent, you have to be the adult, pause, take a deep breath, and comfort your child.

  If you struggle to “hear your child’s sadness,” you may not have received the nurturing you needed as a child. If the demands make you angry, consider how your attempts to get attention were met or not met. Talking with a competent counselor may help you to understand your own emotions so that you can meet your child’s needs and build that connection.

  Savor the Successes

  Empathy begins with being able to put yourself in your child’s shoes and to understand that his actions are like words. He’s showing you how he feels. He doesn’t know how to tell you—yet. Your empathetic response allows him to feel comfortable working with you and to be open to your guidance as you teach him more respectful and suitable actions and words he can use. But sometimes responding empathetically isn’t easy.

  Kate had taken her son Brad to preschool. It was Monday morning after a hectic weekend with little sleep. Brad was tired. Going to school was a new experience that required a great deal of energy from him. Kate wasn’t sure he had the stamina to get him through the morning, but she thought for the sake of consistency it was important to give it a try. Walking down the hallway to school, they ran into a neighbor who greeted Brad. Brad’s response was to hide behind his mother’s leg. He refused to speak. When the neighbor asked him, “Aren’t you going to say hello?” he pulled back farther. Initially Kate was embarrassed, but then she realized that Brad was feeling overwhelmed. She let him stay behind her leg, said a few things to the neighbor, and moved toward the classroom. At the door Brad balked, declaring, “I don’t want to go to school,” before he burst into tears. The teacher reached out to take his hand and lead him in, but Brad bolted, running down the hallway, then stopping two doors down still screaming. “Just leave,” the teacher advised his mother. “We’ll handle it. He’s just being stubborn.”

  Kate felt very uncomfortable with the teacher’s advice. She realized his actions did look like defiance on the surface, but beneath the surface he was tired, apprehensive, and stressed out.

  “I think I need to stay a few minutes,” she responded, mustering all of her guts to do it. The teacher huffed under her breath before turning back to the room, firmly convinced that Kate was coddling Brad and that he’d be just fine if she’d leave.

  “I might have left,” Kate told me, “but he was crying so hard I couldn’t believe that leaving him would work. He was really upset. He wasn’t just being stubborn. He needed me, and everything in my heart was telling me to stay.”

  So she did. She talked quietly to Brad, letting him know that she understood it was hard to go to school today because he was tired. When the wails began to ease, she invited him to come and draw a picture with her. He did and ten minutes later when she kissed him good-bye, he was contentedly playing.

  Kate listened to Brad’s cues and despite the teacher’s advice she responded empathetically. Brad was telling her with his words and his actions he was very upset. She listened and as a result was able to help him to be successful. Later, she could talk with him, helping him to understand his emotions and teaching him more respectful and suitable ways for handling a situation like this the next time he felt that way.

  From his mom’s example, Brad learned the importance of being empathetic and trustworthy. It’s a lesson that will be even more important when he reaches adolescence.

  Stepping into the shoes of another person and experiencing the world from his point of view is often difficult. Knowing there are “threads” you can follow through the complex weave of emotions can make that task much easier.

  * * *

  Coaching Tips

  Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

  Listen carefully.

  Get down on your child’s level and look into his eyes.

  Pick up your child’s “emotional cues.”

  Let your child know he is worthy of your attention.

  Check old “messages” that stop you from listening to your child.

  Respond empathetically and sensitively.

  Enjoy your new point of view!

  PART THREE

  Caring: Knowing Yourself and Your Child

  SEVEN

  What Fuels Power Struggles

  Identifying the Real Feelings and Needs

  “She really isn’t out to get me!”

  —A father

  Every morning I feed the wild turkeys and birds that come to my backyard. The pileated woodpecker greets me with his chuckle, and I can always count on a whistle from the cardinal. Blue jays dive-bomb the squirrels as they fight for the corn. The connection with nature is a morning ritual I treasure, but there’s one aggravation—I have a great difficulty opening the bag of birdseed!

  When I first started feeding the birds, I’d buy a forty-pound bag of feed. The top was sewn shut, and opening it was a major task. Sometimes I’d cut the stitches on the back side one aft
er the other, but it took forever. Other times, if I was lucky, I’d pick one stitch and a row would unravel in my hand. My frustration ended the day I finally discovered that there’s a thread that runs through the row of stitching. If you grab that thread, the entire row will unravel and you can simply lift the top off the bag and reach inside for the seed.

  When it comes to figuring out what your child is feeling, it can seem like you’re facing that row of stitches. It’s frustrating and irritating. Where are you supposed to start? There are so many possibilities. How can you begin to uncover the real feelings and needs that lie below the surface? The task can seem overwhelming.

  What I’ve learned over the years is that, like my bag of birdseed, power struggles have threads that weave through them. By grabbing those threads you can get inside the power struggles and unravel the mysteries of the emotions that fuel them. These threads run throughout power struggles, sometimes alone and other times in combination. When you recognize them and understand them, they can provide for you an opening to the emotions you and your child may be experiencing. Identifying those feelings helps you select the strategies that can prevent those power struggles. Fortunately, there are just four major “threads” you need to remember. They are:

  Temperament/type—Your child’s first and most natural reaction to the world around her.

  Stress—The environmental factors in your child’s life that may be causing distress.

  Medical factors—Physiological issues that may impact your child’s behavior

  Normal development—Developmental tasks your child is working on.

  Let me show you how I used these four threads to help Ben’s mother understand his feelings and solve a very challenging power struggle.

  Searching for the Real Feelings and Needs

  Ben was five and urinating on the carpet. “Nothing is working!” his mother exclaimed in dismay to me one day. “He’s been toilet trained for two and half years. This is not an accident. It’s deliberate. I’ve tried making him clean it up. I’ve told him to stop doing it. I’ve taken away privileges and sent him to time-out, but it’s continuing. Soon our carpet will be ruined! How can we stop him?”

  I needed more information before I could respond, and I started asking questions. “When does he urinate on the floor?” “If I’m busy, he’ll go in the other room and let loose,” his mother responded. “Are you a persistent person?” I asked, wanting to know about her temperament as well as Ben’s. She smiled slightly and affirmed that both she and Ben were very persistent people who didn’t give up when they had a goal to accomplish. This was important for me to know.

  I absorbed this information and moved in a different direction. “Have you had him examined by a doctor? Could there be a medical reason for this behavior?”

  She shook her head. “No, there’s not a medical reason. I’ve had him checked.”

  My mind raced. “When did the wetting begin?” “Right after he entered kindergarten this fall,” she answered. “But he doesn’t do it at school, only at home.” Starting school can be a very stressful experience for kids. I filed this information in my brain.

  Finally, I inquired, “Is Ben your biological or adoptive son?” “He’s adopted,” she answered, looking at me inquisitively. “He came to us as a newborn but still had a very hard time. The first year of his life I had to carry him constantly. He had terrible colic, soothing him was nearly impossible.”

  Her response provided insights about his development, and I replied, “I think your son is asking, ‘Am I worthy of attention?’ A key stage of development for all kids is knowing I am worthy of attention and I can count on my caregiver to respond sensitively to me. During infancy, Ben’s colic left him in pain. Despite your very best efforts, you couldn’t always comfort him. As a result, he may now have to work a little harder to feel secure. Add the stress of starting school, and you’ve got a child urinating on the floor. Ben’s a very persistent kid. He’s going to get the attention he needs, and wetting is a very effective strategy. It requires that you stop what you’re doing and notice him. Obviously it is not a socially acceptable strategy, so you’ll need to help him understand what he’s feeling and teach him a more suitable response.”

  “And how am I supposed to do that?” she questioned.

  “Go home,” I advised her, “and tell Ben, ‘I think you’re trying to tell me you need attention when you urinate on the floor. You are always worthy of my attention. You don’t have to urinate on the floor to get it. Next time you want my attention, come to me and say, “Mom, I need attention,” and I will give it to you.’”

  I also suggested that since he was only five years old and that both of them were very persistent people who hated to stop what they were doing, they may need to make a cardboard heart or some other concrete reminder that clearly communicated “I need attention.” This symbol would cue both of them that it was time to stop and connect.

  Ben’s mother was more than a bit skeptical about my advice, but at this point she was open to trying anything. That’s why she was incredulous when it worked and the wetting stopped. Sure there were a few accidents—like the time she was gone and Ben needed her attention. Then we had to teach him how to call her on her cell phone, or write her a note, but over the next two months the wetting stopped, replaced by the words “I need attention” and warm hugs.

  The Threads in Power Struggles

  I’m not a psychic. I can’t read kids’ minds, and you don’t need to be able to either. You, too, can learn to use the four major “threads” as your guides to the feelings and needs that fuel the power struggles. Let me define for you more clearly what each of these “threads” looks like.

  1. Temperament and Type: What’s Your Child’s Typical Style?

  The latest research demonstrates that children are born with a preferred style, called “their temperament.” There are seven temperament traits that I’ll explore with you. They describe how persistent, easily frustrated, sensitive, active, regular, or intense you are, and how you cope with transitions and new situations. Recognizing these traits helps you to understand your child’s reactions and identify the emotions that are fueling the behavior. Because temperament is part of who you are, it is often a source of the emotions that fuel ongoing power struggles with your child. If, for example, your child is temperamentally persistent, you might have realized since infancy that this child was more committed to her goals. While other parents easily distracted their toddlers from an electrical outlet, yours kept going back to touch it. Seven years later your persistent child is still sticking to her goals, no matter what the task or issue. Or perhaps when your son was young, you appreciated how easily he could be distracted from the electrical outlet or a particular toy. He wasn’t persistent, and it made your life easier, but now that he’s in school you wish you could get him to stick to something!

  Understanding temperament helps you to step into your child’s shoes and experience the world as he does. You become wise to the emotions he is experiencing because you can see the threads that weave through the experiences of his day.

  2. Medical Factors: Is Your Child Experiencing Any Physical Symptoms That Would Indicate a Medical Problem?

  Medical factors can wreak havoc on a child’s behavior. He may not be listening to you because he doesn’t hear you, or he may hear you but is unable to process what you’ve said. Perhaps he is experiencing anxiety or attention deficit disorder. If there is a family history of depression, allergies, or learning disabilities, you might be worried that your child’s behavior is tied to these issues. You’re not certain what’s going on, but you know that despite your best efforts the struggles have continued and you’re feeling discouraged, worried about the future, and exhausted. If a medical issue is affecting your child’s behavior, it’s essential that it be identified in order for you to understand the real fuel source behind your child’s behavior.

  3. Stress: What Has Changed? Are Your Child’s Reactions Unusual for Her?<
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  Perhaps the power struggles with your child are new. You may have rolled along quite smoothly until the move, the divorce, the new teacher, baby, or child-care center. Suddenly the angel who used to live with you has been replaced by a monster you barely recognize. The child who easily went to bed now screams, “Don’t leave me!” as the routines you’ve so carefully created fall apart. And the kid who could do everything won’t do anything, even refusing to walk upstairs alone or make his own lunch.

  Kids are not immune to stress, and it can affect their behavior tremendously. When your child is stressed, his body is on alert for fight or flight. It’s much easier to trigger him. Even the slightest demand may push him over the edge. Recognizing stress symptoms can help you identify your child’s fears and anxieties and know when to adjust for a child who is feeling overwhelmed.

  4. Development: Does Your Child’s Behavior Reflect Typical Emotional Development?

  Perhaps the struggles didn’t start until your child hit a certain age. It might have been on her second birthday when she first looked you in the eye, smiled, and then did exactly what you asked her not to do. Or maybe the downward spiral began after her fourth or fifth birthday when she declared, “You’re not my boss!” Perhaps it wasn’t until she turned ten or twelve that your suggestions were suddenly infuriating, and every discussion turned into an argumentative negotiation session.

  Every child goes through predictable stages of emotional development. Power struggles often begin when kids move into new stages of development or when stress causes them to backslide. That’s why those power struggles tied to development often appear around a child’s birthday or half birthday.

  When you know what’s “normal” development for your child at his age, it’s easier to understand the new emotions he’s working on and devise more effective strategies.

  The Real Fuel Sources