As you coach your feeling child, teach him that it’s important to be honest about his emotions. Help him to choose words that will “feel” right yet truly express his feelings. Explain that it is helpful if he addresses an issue before he is really angry about it because sometimes he waits too long, then moves right into being aggressive instead of being assertive. Let him know, too, that sometimes a bit of “disharmony” can actually lead to greater harmony and better decisions when we’re honest with our feelings and solve problems together.
5. Teach Them to Look at the Facts
The best decisions consider both feelings and facts. Once you’ve helped your child to explore her own feelings and brainstormed solutions that would feel right for everyone involved, try saying something like, “I have some other thoughts, would you like to hear them? Or once she’s had a chance to vent her feelings, then ask, “What do you think?” Use this phrase as an opening to go back and review the facts with her. Help her to analyze the logic of potential solutions so that her final decisions include feelings and facts.
The Short Cut
If all of this seems a bit confusing, don’t worry about it. When your child is upset, simply ask him, “Would you like a hug?” Or say, “I’m so sorry that happened.” If he responds to your empathetic response, keep going, putting a “Band-Aid” on those feelings. But if he rejects your offer of empathy, switch to a thinking strategy and say, “Tell me what happened.” Considering your child’s preference for dealing with the facts or feelings first is a critical step to keeping those lines of communication open and your child working with you.
Putting It All Together
Initially, when you’re trying to decide whether to respond to your child as an introvert or an extrovert or to approach her with facts or feelings first, it may seem complex, but it really isn’t. You’re just making two decisions—to talk or to reflect, and to address the facts or the feelings first. One day, to demonstrate how simple this idea was, I divided the parents in my class into four groups: introvert thinkers, introvert feelers, extrovert thinkers, and extrovert feelers. They started teasing one another, each group declaring their superiority. I found their comments startingly different yet all very insightful and helpful. I thought I would include them for you so that you might better understand your style, your strengths, and the things that might pull you into power struggles when you’re working with your child.
Extroverted Feeling Parents
You are very aware of and sensitive to feelings and are comfortable talking about them. When you have a problem, you like to talk about it, sometimes over and over again, with anyone who will listen. If you have an introverted, thinking child, be careful not to invade him. Offer your hug, but respect his need for space. When he does come to you, stop what you’re doing and listen because he’s only going to want to talk about his issue one time. Once he can read, relay information to him via the written word. Be careful not to ask too many questions. If your child prefers extroversion and thinking, expect debates. Understand that this child is trying to understand the facts and doesn’t mean to offend you. You’ll have to work hard to hold the line with him because a little conflict doesn’t bother him as much as it bothers you. Teach him to value harmony as you do, and to give him phrases he can use that will help him learn to be more tactful.
Extroverted Factual Parents
You’re great at analyzing situations and coming up with solutions, but you may need to hold back on giving advice until your child is truly ready. Recognize that your feeling child needs his feelings validated. He doesn’t want to be argued out of them. Know, too, that when your feeling child comes at you with strong emotions, you may feel defensive. All those feelings are a bit overwhelming to you. Take a deep breath, pause, and remember that he’s not trying to attack you; he’s venting his strong emotions, and he’s not going to die. Later you can teach him how to vent without triggering others. Recognize, too, that when you have a problem, you prefer working with someone who will help you to analyze a problem and come up with solutions. You don’t like too much empathy or sympathy.
Introverted Feeling Parents
You are very tuned in to the emotions of your children. Humor is often one of your greatest resources. You can use it skillfully to bring harmony back to a situation. Your challenges are not to take on your child’s emotions as you work with her and not to be offended by your straightforward-thinking kid. It’s also important that you get enough space and quiet to meet your own needs. You need that reflection time to be able to perform at your best.
Introverted Factual Parents
You are very observant of things that are not fair. It’s your extroverted-feeling child who can really wear you down. Help this child find others who can be a sounding board for her so that she doesn’t exhaust you as she processes her emotions. Your extroverted kids may also need more feedback from you than you are accustomed to providing. Remember, the feelers need to know you like them, and the thinkers want specific feedback. Know, too, that you need space and quiet in order to perform at your best.
When you know your preference and your child’s, you’ll have a much easier time getting under the surface to the real feelings and needs; doors will open, lights will go on. Use this information to help you understand what your child is experiencing and why you are responding as you are. Knowing yourself and your child keeps you connected.
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Coaching Tips
If you or your child prefer thinking:
Recognize your need to consider the facts first.
Find others who will enjoy a good debate with you.
Allow yourself to linger with your feelings longer.
Once you’ve analyzed the facts, remember to check the feelings.
Validate the emotions of others; avoid trying to argue them out of their feelings.
Let others know you’re trying to figure something out so that they don’t feel invaded by your questions.
Understand you’re more comfortable planning for “next time” than reviewing your mistakes.
Know that sometimes saying you are sorry is very important.
Ask others to give you a chance to tell them what happened.
Remember that not every emotion needs a solution.
If you or your child prefer feeling:
Find others who will validate and respect your feelings.
Recognize your need to find solutions that consider the feelings of all.
Consider your own needs as well as those of others.
Once you’ve explored your feelings, check the facts.
Understand thinking types also have feelings; they simply explore them differently than you do.
Let others know you are not ready to problem solve yet, but you will be.
Know that being sensitive is a “gift.”
Appreciate your ability to create harmony.
Remember that disagreement can often lead to greater harmony.
Offer support to others, but understand that you are not responsible for their feelings.
TWELVE
When the Struggles Are More Than Normal
Recognizing Medical Issues
“My child is a child first; he happens also to have a medical condition.”
—The mother of three sons
All parents experience bad days, but for Amy it was different. A nagging sense of defeat haunted her. There wasn’t just one thing that she could put her finger on. The issues with her son seemed to be compounding, one thing adding to another. She knew she was a good parent. She provided her kids with a loving home. There were limits, structure, and routines, but still the power struggles with her son, Bobby, occurred day after day. Mornings were the worst. Every day she’d vow to keep her cool, but inevitably she’d end up yelling and nagging. The initial fight was about getting out of bed; from there it rolled to getting dressed, eating breakfast without getting in and out of his chair twenty times, and brushing his teeth. The other kids could
complete the morning routine in forty-five minutes. Bobby needed at least two hours. But it wasn’t just the mornings that were an issue. In school his teacher noticed he was “zoning out.” He wasn’t finishing assignments, and the notes for parents that other kids were bringing home never made it to Bobby’s house. He didn’t get in trouble for running around the classroom or talking out of turn, but some part of his body was in constant motion. And by the middle of the year his reading scores were lower than average despite a very high IQ. He was frustrated with his failure, but when she asked him if he was paying attention, he’d get angry and insist he was.
For Sarah the bad days were different than Amy’s, but they, too, were chronic. It was the anger that frightened her the most. She’d adopted her daughter, Anna, when she was two. Not only was Anna intense, but she could go completely ballistic three or four times a day, one tantrum rolling into another, sometimes lasting for up to three hours. Her shrieks were ear piercing, the violence frightening. Totally out of control, she’d tear things off of walls, head butt, or bite anyone who tried to stop her.
Sometimes your gut tells you that your child is different from other kids. There’s something that’s just not quite right. You’re fighting over things other people with kids this age aren’t, and the struggles are more frequent, intense, and long lasting.
You know about temperament and have realized that your child is more sensitive. But she doesn’t just complain about the tags in her clothing or the elastic at her waist, she refuses to wear any clothing and has started turning down play dates because to go to someone’s house means she has to wear pants.
Maybe you recognize that your child is more perceptive, but you’ve seen him look right at you when you’ve asked him to get dressed and then go off to do something else as though he hasn’t even heard you. You know he can hear you. His hearing has been tested, and yet the connections just aren’t being made.
And then again maybe you’ve realized that your child is slow to adapt. He doesn’t like change. Before he can stop playing he has to line up his toys just so. Without his “ritual” he is distraught, but the “ritual” is growing longer and more complex. It’s beginning to take up so much time that it’s interfering with your day.
Everyone has suggestions for you. If you’d just be tougher or provide more structure, they advise, but you already feel like you’re a drill sergeant living in a boot camp. Even professionals have minimized your concerns, assuring you it’s just a stage.
But you know in your gut it’s not. You child is dealing with something more than temperament or normal development. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but it’s there and it’s real. You desperately want to be wrong.
Your emotions fluctuate from worry to fury. Guilt grabs your gut. Are you doing something wrong? Did you make him this way? Deep inside, you know you didn’t, but you don’t know how to help him. No matter what you do, it doesn’t seem to be enough. The behavior isn’t changing. Then you get angry, furious that this is happening to you. At moments you are certain that your child does have control of herself and is just choosing not to behave. But deep down you know that isn’t true either. In the end it’s the fear that’s the worst, fear that somehow you are failing as a parent and letting your child down.
The Invisible Medical Issues
What I’ve learned over the years is that usually your “gut” is right. When, despite your best efforts, the bad days are far outnumbering the good ones, there very likely is something more going on with your child. Often that something more is what I call the “invisible” medical issues.
Medical factors can play a significant role in behavior issues with kids. There are the typical illnesses of childhood that can make your child temporarily cranky, irritable, and hard to deal with, but once the cold is over or the ear infection cleared, your child is back to his normal sunny self. But “invisible” medical issues can wreak havoc on your child’s behavior and your relationship with him because they don’t go away. That’s why it’s essential to seek professional help when your head tells you you’ve used all the normal emotion-coaching strategies and your gut tells you there’s still something more.
Identifying the invisible medical issues isn’t easy. Doctors often call the identifying behaviors “shadow symptoms” because they’re fuzzy and often misinterpreted. Teachers will tell you your child is being lazy or not really trying. Others see the behaviors as intentionally “irritating.” It’s likely that you’ll run into many dead ends before you find your way. But your child needs you to be his advocate, to believe in him and trust him. He isn’t out to get you. He doesn’t want to fight with you every day, and he does want to be successful. Truly he is doing the best that he can. There are things that he needs to learn, things that he needs help overcoming. You’re his teacher. But when a medical issue is involved, the wiring systems get more complex and the teaching becomes more challenging. You need to have more tricks up your sleeve in order to stop the struggles. Fortunately, there are professionals who can help you to identify the issues you’re facing; provide you with information, strategies, and treatment options; and, most important, support you on your journey.
Recognizing Invisible Medical Issues
In this section I’ll describe for you behaviors often tied to invisible medical issues. This list is in no way comprehensive or to be considered a diagnostic tool. It’s simply a description of behaviors I commonly see that lead me to advise parents to seek a complete medical assessment for their child. If what you are experiencing is different from what you see listed, trust your gut. Keep searching to find the answers you and your child need.
As you read through the list, you may realize the “symptoms” are often similar to the normal temperament factors you’ve just read about. But the behaviors fall along a continuum. Some fall into what’s considered a “normal” range. On a continuum this might be from 1-5. What sets the behaviors that reflect a medical issue apart is their frequency, intensity, or duration, the combination of symptoms, and/or a family medical history. On a continuum these behaviors would fall in a range from 6-10. For example, the child who has to line all of his toys up just so may be demonstrating a normal need for order, but when his rituals begin interfering with normal everyday life and there is a family history of obsessive compulsive disorder, it’s likely that the behaviors move out of what is considered the normal “1-5” range and into more of the problem or disorder range of 6-10. If this is the case, emotion coaching alone is not going to be enough to get you out of the power struggles. You need outside help and resources. Often, too, a child experiencing difficulties in one area is likely to have problems in others as well. For example, a child diagnosed with depression may also have an anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and/or attention deficit disorder. So if you’re gut is telling you there has to be something more that’s fueling your struggles, read through the following descriptions. If one or more strikes you as “fitting” your child, pick up your telephone and contact your pediatrician, school psychologist, or some other professional who can help you. All families have problems, but it’s healthy families who know when to get help.
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or ADHD)
Sam was a very capable kid who also happened to be impulsive. Without thinking, he’d take a toy from another child. His teacher had worked with him for months, each time making it clear that it was not acceptable to take another child’s toy and telling Sam that he needed to ask, “May I have a turn?” They’d even practiced saying the words and handing one another toys, but still Sam didn’t get it. It was as though he knew what he needed to do, but he just couldn’t stop himself long enough to do it.
Carrie wasn’t impulsive at all, but she often got into trouble for daydreaming or tuning out. She once told her mother, “It’s as though there are a hundred radio stations playing in my head, and I don’t know which one I’m supposed to be tuned to.” As a result she often failed to follow directions or complete a
ssignments.
It was David’s activity level that got him into trouble. He’d fidget so much that he’d fall right out of his chair. He couldn’t settle himself at night. And he was the proverbial motor mouth, talking constantly, interrupting others with seemingly little regard for their frustration with him.
Three different kids, but what all of these children have in common is attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). This condition fits all three because there are actually three subtypes of ADHD, including: attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, combined type; attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, predominantly inattentive type ADHD-pi; and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, predominantly hyperactive-impulsive type.
Obviously all kids are energetic, and at times impulsive and inattentive. High-energy kids who don’t have ADHD are always on the move and often grab things before they learn to stop and ask. Extroverts often say what’s on their mind. Perceptive kids may get lost in their thoughts and forget things. But for kids with ADHD these behaviors are so intense and frequent that daily life is significantly disrupted. They forget things every day, even failing to turn in assignments they’ve completed. Or their energy and fidgeting keep them from completing tasks—even those they’re interested in doing. Relationships with peers are disrupted because they miss social cues. For instance, they may fail to pick up the look on someone’s face that suggests, You shouldn’t have said that, or You’re standing too close, or You’re speaking too loudly.
It’s true the diagnosis of ADHD can be very subjective. For this reason a complete evaluation conducted by a professional team, consisting of a pediatrician and psychologist and ideally a speech therapist and occupational therapist along with reports from home and school settings, is essential for an accurate diagnosis of ADHD. ADHD-pi is usually not evident until a child reaches school age, but ADHD may be evident in a child as young as two years old. It is my hope that a new test developed by Dr. John Gabrieli of Stanford’s Department of Psychology, which uses a brain scan to identify a biological “signature” of those with attention deficit, will soon be more readily available.
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles Page 21