“Don’t cry, not for me.” His voice was hoarse as he reached into his pocket and handed me a silk handkerchief that had a white horse embroidered on it.
I almost dropped it.
“It has no meaning except… a reminder for me, for the rest of the families who align with the Italians, how easy you lose when you look at yourself instead of others.”
Wordlessly, I nodded and patted under both my eyes; I should want to ruin my makeup and throw the silk right back at him. Instead, it felt precious, like a gift I didn’t deserve, which confused me even more.
Finally, I handed it back to him with trembling hands.
He took it and then very slowly stood and moved to my back where he slowly and what felt like deliberately unbuttoned my dress, his fingers shaking too, each time he grazed my skin.
His knuckles dug into my lower back as he unfastened the final button right where my thong met my corset. And then his fingers lingered there as he shakily drew small circles with one hand near the exposed skin between the two pieces of lingerie.
I stood completely still as he continued to explore, unable to understand my own body’s reaction. My head screamed it wasn’t Breaker, but my body wanted to be loved, and my heart, as bruised as it was, said, what could be worse than what we’ve suffered? Let him heal us. Let him hold us. Let him kiss the tears away.
God, please, let him kiss the pain away along with the slow burn that was beginning to build between my thighs even though I fought it with every synapse still firing in my head.
My dress suddenly dropped to my feet, nearly coming up to my waist with how stiff it still was.
Valerian held out his hand. I took it and stepped over it, unsure what he was going to do to me next.
I was shocked silent when he brought me over to the bed, opened the giant duvet, and tucked me in. Finally, he removed my mask and set it on the nightstand, touching it with his fingertips like it was precious, all before turning to leave.
“Wait!” I grabbed his wrist, nearly pulling him on top of me. “I thought—that is, I mean I wasn’t ready but—”
“You might never be ready,” he said simply. “Besides, don’t they already have their proof from that night? You’re mine. You’ve been mine for months. Let them talk because right now, my bride needs to sleep. And I think, maybe, she needs to shed a few tears for what could have been.”
“I’m not…” My voice wobbled. “I’m not sure what to feel.” And then without any warning, I burst into gut-wrenching sobs while he watched.
Without any more words, Valerian sat on the bed, pulled me into his lap, and let me cry, and with each tear shed, I found my old life floating down the river of my grief, going, going, going… gone.
I wasn’t her anymore.
I was his.
I was Violet Petrov.
As long as I lived.
This was my life.
I watched in utter sadness as the old me floated away and left me with nothing but the last remnants of my shaky heart, and the grip I had on Valerian’s hands as he told me it would be okay.
I just wished I wasn’t in love with someone else.
Even then I wished, I had something, anything left, not to give my husband, but to keep me sane.
But Breaker had it all.
And now? I had nothing but a masked man holding me close, telling me lies, and a soul that was crushed beneath the weight of responsibility I had never wanted.
I smiled in the darkness because I had no other choice but to play the part I was born to play.
Happy.
Perfect.
Suffering.
Laughing while I danced with the devil in Hell.
Saving my tears for the shadows.
And praying that whatever came for me—came quick.
Chapter Eleven
War is coming, I can hear it in my heart. Blood will flow along the grounds of the innocent.
I can’t deceive the darkness anymore… I’m letting go, I’m losing control of myself… —Author Unknown
Breaker
I’d only ever visited the creepy empty lake house mansion once, and it was with Junior. We’d played hide and seek and then told ghost stories. Then again, I had been young and impressionable—so I believed every word he said.
Which led me to sleep with the lights on when he told me that ghosts would come out of the fireplace and hover over you if you snored. He then proceeded to tell me I was a chronic snoring monster.
Ask me if I slept at all that night.
In the morning, I’d looked so shitty that my mom finally asked what was wrong, and my only answer was “Junior,” which just made her nod her head and then pull me in for a hug while Junior smirked over his Cheerios.
I got him back by putting a snake in his bed.
He grabbed a frog.
Suffice it to say, the moms decided they’d finally had enough and forced us to make up. I had a bit of hero worship since he was older, and I’d been so new to the family. But after that day, it was like my initiation was done, and I was part of them, part of something that wasn’t a nightmare.
I went out to the balcony and watched as the sun started to rise. The house across the way was massive. I wondered how long it would take me to take the boat across the lake, throw a rock up at her window and beg for her to stay. Creepy enough that I was willing her to just come out of the house and wave.
I took a sip of coffee.
“Found him!” Serena yelled, making me nearly drop my entire cup off the ledge into the fire pit.
“Why are you so loud?” I winced and continued my staring across the way.
“You look like shit.” Serena pulled her blond hair back into a ponytail and snapped her bubble gum dangerously close to my face as she examined me from head to toe, her light blue eyes missing nothing. “What aren’t you telling us?”
Only everything.
I ignored her and took another sip of coffee. In a leisurely move, she stole the mug right out of my hands and walked off, yelling, “Family meeting!”
I squeezed my eyes shut as footsteps neared.
It was like they had brought everyone from Chicago here to witness my pain, my sadness, the death of my heart.
Ash walked out, stole the mug from Serena, and sipped then spit it out. “Are you trying to poison people?”
“First, that’s mine,” I hissed. “Second, I like it strong.”
He moved to hand it back to me, but Junior grabbed it with a wince. I wasn’t the only one who looked like shit; he’d been on the receiving end of Nixon’s fists a day ago, his face was one giant bruise.
“Great, now that you’ve all infected my coffee, is there something you needed?”
They had landed last night, so by the time I was done with my midnight walk, feeling sorry for myself, and trying to figure out what to do next, they were already making noise and asking why I was going to bed when we were actually given a bit of freedom and a nice little vacation away from the parents.
I had nothing to say to that.
“Something’s wrong with him.” Junior squinted his teal eyes at me while Serena wrapped an arm around him; at least it looked like he squinted, kinda hard to tell what with all the bruising.
They were happy.
They were together.
Which just reminded me that I was alone.
Sipping crap coffee.
Staring.
“That’s what I said,” Serena agreed.
King strolled out to join us, followed by Maksim and Izzy; I was surprised the bosses let Maksim come since he was double majoring as a sophomore.
“Young one, don’t you have homework?” I pointed out, earning a middle finger from Maksim, who pulled out a chair, lay back, and sighed while Izzy handed him a bottle of water like she was his servant.
I snorted.
Ash stared right through me then suddenly spoke up. “Let’s go for a drive.”
“I don’t want to go for a drive.”
He grinned. “Sure, you do. Did I forget to mention that wasn’t a request?”
“Remind me again why we voted you for our leader?”
Junior stood next to him. “He has dark circles under his eyes.”
“And he’s not smiling. He’s always smiling, even when he’s in trouble, he’s smiling,” Ash agreed.
“Why does this feel like an intervention?” I wanted to kick something, shoot something, do anything except for talk about my feelings.
“It’s about Violet.” Izzy perked up. “She was upset too before she came up here. It doesn’t make sense, she doesn’t even like Seattle.”
I flinched.
Ash caught it.
“Car. Now.” He shoved me toward the sliding glass door.
Just. Great.
I stomped through the house toward the garage, and since he didn’t specify what car, I decided that I needed fast. I climbed into the Lamborghini. If he wanted us to go for a drive, I was going to be the one behind the wheel.
He got in the passenger’s seat.
I hit the button for the garage door.
And then we were off.
I didn’t remember stoplights.
I didn’t remember even getting on the freeway.
And I sure as hell didn’t remember driving toward Alki Beach. Once we were parked, I got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked.
I walked until my feet nearly met the edge of the ocean. Then and only then did I inhale and collapse to my knees.
The world could have burned around me.
I would have let it.
And Ash said nothing, maybe because he didn’t need to ask about my pain; he recognized it too well. Sometimes words can’t describe what we’re feeling; sometimes all we have is silence.
And the slow roll of the waves promising that life continued to go on even when you feel like you’re standing still.
“Have you seen her?” Ash sat down next to me. Just his presence had me ready to sob like a child. He and Junior had been everything to me.
And now.
Now I would betray them.
At least they would see it like that.
I just hoped to God they would understand why.
I looked down. “I’ve seen her.”
“Was she okay?”
Emotion clogged my throat. “She was breathtaking.”
He exhaled like he was relieved. “What did you say to her to make her so upset, Breaker? What did you really do?”
I let out a humorless laugh. “We don’t have the years of therapy needed for me to even start to answer that question, man.”
“Can you try without a doctor present, or should we go get Nikolai to inject some truth serum into you?”
My head shot up as I gave him a fake look of horror. “That’s real?”
He snickered. “Oh, the things I could tell you about that man. You know he’s related to Jack the Ripper, right?”
“THE HELL?” I roared, completely distracted, and trying to pretend like it was new news. “The real Jack the Ripper?”
“Yup, creepy, I know. Ask him to tell you how he and Maya met. It’s some messed up shit. He can also brainwash you to the point where you forget everything or remember it all. He did it to her when she was sixteen. Why else would the Russian Mafia call him The Doctor?” He shuddered. “Thank God he’s on our side.”
“Yeah…” My stomach rolled. “Good thing…”
“So, Violet… is she really here studying under him?”
I snorted out a laugh. “What do you think?”
“I think you know more than you’re saying. I think you slept with my sister and didn’t tell me. I think you guys have been acting weird since last Christmas, and I think you’re heartbroken.”
I was paralyzed in place. “Is this the part where you pull out the needle, inject me with some crazy shit that stops my heart, and say, if I ever touch your sister again, you’re going to rip my dick off?”
Ash barked out a laugh. “I’m not my dad.”
My eyes narrowed up at him. “No, sometimes I think you’re worse.”
“Aw…” He put his hand on his chest. “That came from the heart, man, thanks.”
Shit, he really was going to kill me. “Seriously, Ash—”
“Do you love her?”
“Does it matter anymore?”
“It does to me. Maybe I can talk to them—”
“She belongs to someone else, Ash. Someone, I don’t think you or any of the Family would actually approve of.”
He shot to his feet. “Then let’s kill the bastard! Problem solved!”
I smiled. “Yeah, that’s the problem… we can’t.”
“Why the hell not? We’ll go grab the guys. Hell, we can even grab Serena. God knows she’s been itching for a fight ever since Junior told her she had to start being nicer to people during class—long story—even longer plane ride—she made a professor cry. Come on, let’s go.”
“No, when I say we can’t kill him, I mean we can’t because, shit, I don’t even know how to say this… fuck.” I ran my hands through my hair and tugged. “Something happened to her, man, something… bad. That’s why she’s been different since last Christmas, and because of that, Andrei and Phoenix, they had to honor a blood oath, and it includes her, so no, we can’t kill him because killing him would mean war.”
Ash paled a bit, then crossed his arms over his chest. His black shirt pulled tight enough that I knew he’d been trying to suppress all his sadness in the weight room for the last two weeks, which only meant he’d gotten more lethal and less emotionally stable.
That made two of us.
“Who else knows about this?” he finally asked. I could tell he was trying to calculate his next move—our next move. But he didn’t know. We were already out of time.
At least I was.
“Me.” I licked my lips. “Violet, obviously. And them.”
“We can fix this.” He looked away. “I know we can.”
“No, we can’t—”
His fist came flying out of nowhere, sending me stumbling into the sand. Another fist hit my stomach.
I shoved him off me and jumped up. “What the hell, Ash!”
“That’s for sleeping with my sister!”
“I didn’t even confirm it!”
“You didn’t deny it either!” He tried hitting me again.
I ducked.
And then we were in an all-out war.
Him, because he needed someone to hit, and he couldn’t hit the guy married to Violet.
Me, because I couldn’t do anything to stop the tidal wave.
And then him again because you can’t keep sadness locked away forever, it’s bound to trickle out, demanding to be experienced, demanding to be acknowledged, and Ash hadn’t done that.
For the record, neither had I.
So that left us with anger.
Anger was so much easier.
I kicked him in the stomach, sending him sailing back, and grinned when he nearly hit his head on the park bench. “Losing your touch, Ash?”
“Son of a bitch that hurt, you never used to know how to—” His eyes narrowed. “Breaker, where did you learn how to fight like that?”
“Like what?” Anger coursed through my veins. I seethed with the need to see him bleed. It felt good to feel, so damn good. “Like this?” I came at him again, and he managed to block my next few blows.
He spat out blood and tackled me to the ground. I threw him off me with another kick and then winked. “I’m just getting started.”
He wiped the blood from his mouth and then made a face. “Yeah, maybe we should finish this at the house before we end up on the news.”
Several people were standing on the boardwalk, mouths gaping, eyes wide with shock, phones filming every little thing we did.
My white shirt was torn on the sleeve, and blood trickled from my mouth, probably not the time to call out, Don’t panic, we do this all the time. Oh, and PS, I f
ucked his sister, so… carry on!
Ash gave me one more shove. “This isn’t done. We’re sparring at home; I’ve never lost a fight to you, not about to start now. Oh also, you slept with my sister. I’m driving.”
“Shit, how long are you going to hold this over my head?”
He shot me a bloody grin. “Oh, probably forever.”
He wasn’t lying.
We stopped by the grocery store.
I paid because I had slept with his sister.
And at Starbucks? I swiped my card because, again, I’d slept with his sister.
When we got back to the house, I wasn’t allowed to bandage up because… exactly, I had slept with his sister.
“FAMILY MEETING!” Ash roared once we made it back.
I groaned into my hands.
“No Advil for you.” He jabbed a finger in my direction. “Because you—”
“SLEPT WITH YOUR SISTER. I KNOW!” I roared just as everyone came trickling into the living room.
Junior and Serena high fived.
While King gave me a stunned look that silently told me, That was a horrible idea, do you know how violent Ash is right now?
I held out my bloody hands; CLEARLY, message received.
A fruit roll-up fell from Maksim’s mouth as he grinned. “You must have balls of steel to think that was a good idea. So, when’s he killing you? I don’t want to miss it, and we’re out of popcorn.”
“I second this.” Izzy smiled. “And then it’s my turn. How dare you break her heart!”
Oh, innocent little Izzy.
I tilted my head to the side. “For the record, she seduced me.”
Ash growled.
“Keep talking. I want to see him take off your head.” Maksim literally looked ready to break out into song and dance while King looked worried that I’d actually be headless the rest of my short life.
“Told you he’d freak out when he found out.” Serena sighed while Junior looked ready to play referee. I just wasn’t sure if it was the kind that would step between us or just blow the whistle and say round two!
“He’s still alive.” Ash waved me off. “You’re welcome, but I need to see something. Junior, hit him.”
“The fuck!” I yelled. “What’s wrong with you?”
“YOU SLEPT WITH MY SISTER!” he roared. “You get no vote!”
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