Gianna took Megan back to her apartment and took off her clothes, one piece at a time, moving slowly and gently. Megan tried to give her advice and guidance, but every time she started to say something, Gianna would stop her with a kiss. Finally, she gave up. Gianna was doing a much better job not jostling her shoulder than she did herself, anyway.
The hard part was Megan herself—trying not to reach for Gianna with both arms. Gianna wasn’t undressing herself, and Megan couldn’t pull her clothes off with just one hand.
If she’d thought watching roller derby without playing because of her injury was frustrating, it was nothing to this.
“Gianna, come on,” she whispered.
Gianna kissed her again, their mouths open and hot against each other, her hand sliding up underneath Megan’s sling to caress her breasts. “Shh,” she said into Megan’s mouth. “This is all about you.”
“But I don’t want it to be,” Megan said.
“Too bad, babe,” Gianna said. “I’m in charge.”
She put her hands on Megan’s hips and started to turn her, but Megan stopped, bracing herself and putting her right arm out, pressing it against Gianna’s breastbone. “No.”
Gianna stopped, raising her eyebrows. “No?”
“You don’t get to be in charge.”
Gianna’s mouth twitched into a slight smile. “It can’t always be your turn.”
Megan took a deep breath. “I have to have control, though. With Cari—my ex—I always let her take charge.”
Gianna frowned. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not her, and I’m not going to treat you like that, ever?”
“It’s not about telling. Telling doesn’t teach my subconscious anything.” Megan shook her head, frustrated. She was totally killing the mood, but if Gianna kept pushing her around, the mood would have been killed anyway. “I have to know that I have the power. You have to show me.”
Gianna put her hands on her hips, jutting her chin out so that her lower lip pouted. It was totally cute, but Megan wasn’t about to tell her that. “Or maybe you have to learn that just because someone takes control during sex, or any other time, it doesn’t mean they’re trying to hurt you.”
“You don’t have to try to hurt me! Or what’s this?” She pointed to her shoulder.
Gianna stepped back, her eyes wide. “I thought you didn’t blame me for that!”
“I don’t. It was an accident. I’m just saying, I have to be more careful now when I skate. Maybe you have to be more careful now when we have sex.”
“What do you think I’ve been doing?” Gianna flung her arm toward the pile of clothes on the floor. “Maybe you just don’t know how to be careful with yourself.”
Megan looked at the clothes and grimaced, her anger fading as her shoulder gave a twinge to remind her that Gianna had undressed her more successfully than she undressed herself. “Okay, you’re right. Letting you take charge while you undressed me was easier.”
“Easier isn’t always better.” Gianna stepped forward again, her curves lightly pressing against Megan’s naked body. “I want to get this right, babe. I don’t want to just say, okay, it’s easier to do it this way, without fixing the underlying problem.” She kissed her, her lips warm and soft.
Megan let herself enjoy the kiss for a moment, then broke away. “Why?”
“Why?” Gianna blinked at her, her lashes shadowing her eyes. “Why what?”
“Why do you want to get this right? Why not just go with what’s easier in the moment?”
“Are you really asking that?”
“It’s a genuine question.”
“I want to be with you, Megan. I want this to last. I like being with you, and even if you’re not ready to make a commitment, I’m willing to wait.”
Megan sighed and rested her forehead against Gianna’s. “I don’t want to make you wait.”
“Then make the commitment. Say you’re mine.” Gianna held very still.
“I don’t want to lie to you, either.”
“I was afraid you’d say that.”
“So why do you still want me when I’m not willing to make a commitment to you?”
“You don’t get it, do you?” Gianna stepped back and put her hands—very lightly and gently—on Megan’s shoulders. “It’s not about the commitment. It’s about you. If all we ever have is this, playing derby together and going on occasional dates and having awesome sex, then I’ll accept that. And I want to make it last. I won’t take shortcuts that might screw us, or you, up later.”
“But why me?”
Gianna smiled and shook her head. “Because you’re gorgeous and you’re funny and we always have something to talk about. It also helps that you’re an amazing roller-derby player.”
Megan took a deep breath. She still didn’t get why Gianna would want to date her over anyone else on their teams—Shelly or Tara or Britney Scares—but she could accept that. And she didn’t think she’d have much success arguing with Gianna about her virtues.
But she didn’t want to make Gianna wait around for something that might never happen, either.
“I have to be honest with you. I really like being with you, and everything about you, but I’m not in this for the same thing you are. I’m trying to be very true to myself and only do what actually makes me happy. Right now, going out with you makes me happy, but I don’t know how long that will last, especially since the derby season is ending soon and we’re not going to have any more of those amazing fights.”
She could see as she said she didn’t want the same things as Gianna that she’d hurt her, but she kept going anyway. She had to get it all out, as much as she could, so Gianna would understand. If lack of commitment was going to make Gianna leave, Megan wanted it to happen sooner rather than later. She didn’t want Gianna going anywhere—she just didn’t want Gianna hurt any more than was necessary.
But at the end of her little speech, Gianna was smirking. “Okay, I can accept all that. You just got out of a bad relationship. You deserve a little more leeway. And I meant what I said. I’m with you until one of us decides we don’t want it anymore.”
Megan nodded. “Okay. But what’s so funny?”
Gianna stepped close again, molding her curves to Megan’s body. Megan felt her arousal start to awaken again. “I want,” Gianna whispered, “you to let me show you that sex is fun even when we haven’t been fighting.”
Megan’s throat was dry. She licked her lips and nodded.
Then she let Gianna guide her to the bed, lay her back, and climb on top of her, her fingers everywhere, her touch bewitching.
Chapter 14
“And she’s past one, two, three members of the pack. Will she make it past Jazzy Bell? Yes! Margaret Splatwood is our first lead jammer of this match.”
The wind was in Megan’s hair, in her eyes, making her vision blur, but she didn’t care. She could see where the track was, see where the pack was ahead of her again, and she was skating so fast the announcer’s words didn’t even catch up with her until she was halfway around the track.
That morning, she’d had another appointment with the doctor, and she’d been declared—if not cured, at least unlikely to re-injure herself or slow her healing by playing roller derby, even with Megan giving the doctor a detailed description of everything she did or might do during games. She was told to avoid falling on her left side if at all possible, to break her fall with her wrist if necessary, but cleared to get back on the track as long as she was careful.
It might have helped that Megan had explained that this would be their last game of the season and she was desperate to get back to skating. And that she’d actually gained five pounds since her first time seeing the doctor.
But the important thing was, she was back on the track, and she was well on her way to bringing Monstrous Regiment to a victory for the end of the season. It didn’t make any difference, since the team didn’t play any tournaments, but it was always good to end on a high note.
>
Also, Gianna was in the audience, and Megan didn’t want to let her down.
The jam ended with the score 12-3, and Megan collapsed on the bench. She was sweating and her legs were shaking. She might have pushed herself a little too hard for her first jam since her injury, but she couldn’t have gone any slower if she’d tried.
Shelly gave her a bottle of water, and she sucked it down gratefully. “Are you doing okay?” Shelly asked quietly in her ear.
Megan bit her lip, wanting to tell Shelly she was fine, but knowing she shouldn’t. When she realized that Shelly would probably be able to tell if she was lying, she decided to go with the truth. “I think I pushed myself a little too hard. I’m out of shape. I need a break.”
Shelly nodded. “I thought you might. I won’t put you back in for a while. Maybe a snack, too?”
Megan shook her head and shrugged. It was nice to be able to shrug. She was still supposed to keep her shoulder immobilized as much as possible, but the pain seemed to be pretty much gone.
She recovered enough to play again in the first half of the game, but she was wearing out. She perked up a little when Gianna brought her a soft pretzel during halftime. She gave Gianna a kiss in thanks, not caring who was looking. Okay, pretending to not care who was looking, but it was better than before.
She played twice again in the second half, but it wasn’t nearly as much as she normally would have played. If she’d been a little less tired, she would have been fighting with Shelly, trying to get put back on the track. But she knew she was out of shape. She would work all the harder during the off-season to get back in shape—to get better than she’d been before her injury.
Still, she kept the team up on points, and she screamed with everyone else when they won. They shook hands with the opposing team, then skated into the locker room to change. Megan was exhausted, and changed slowly, thinking about seeing Gianna once she was done. Maybe they would actually go to the afterparty this time.
She laced her sneakers on and stood up with satisfaction, happy to be able to tie and untie laces with both hands now. Everyone else had already left the locker room, so she shouldered her bag and headed back out.
The room was mostly clear, but there was a small group standing on the track and talking. As soon as Megan came out, Shelly turned around, pointed at her, and called, “Megan! Come here!”
Confused and slightly worried, Megan picked up the pace, walking toward her. She definitely had been cleared to play by her doctor. What could Shelly want?
Shelly, Gayle, Leya, Helen, and Mindy were all standing with a pretty woman in her early thirties, whom Megan didn’t recognize. She hoped Shelly wasn’t about to try to hook her up with someone else. They all looked really excited.
The woman held out her hand as Megan approached. “Megan? I’m Amelia Madden. I’m on the Rittenhouse Rioters.”
Megan’s eyes widened as she shook Amelia’s hand. “You’re Dr. Holtzwomann. I saw you last year in the tournament. You were amazing—it was too bad you guys dropped out so quickly.”
Amelia grinned. “Then you’re already familiar with it. Great. We’re working hard to put together a better team this year, and I’ve been chosen to talk to local players. I want to invite you to try out for the Sisterly Love All-Stars.”
Megan’s jaw dropped. They wanted her to try out for an all-star team? To maybe take part in a tournament—a game that meant something, even if it wasn’t the official WTFDA championships? She knew she was good enough, she’d just… never thought about it before.
She looked around quickly, taking in the delighted faces of the women around her. “All of us?”
“Not me,” Shelly said quickly. “Amelia’s invited you, Gayle, Helen, Mindy, and Leya. I’m just here to tell you, as your team captain, I highly advise you to fucking go for it.”
Mindy and Megan both laughed. Megan couldn’t believe it, and she was startled at a touch on her elbow. “What’s—oh, hi, Amelia!”
Gianna had approached, probably wondering what was going on, and was standing next to Megan. Megan looked down at her. “You know each other?”
Gianna shook her head. “I just met her earlier this evening. I’m guessing she’s here for the same reason she was at my game.”
“That’s right,” Amelia said with a grin. “I’m going around to all the teams in the city, inviting the top players to try out for the all-stars. I haven’t been able to watch a full game in weeks. I’ll warn you now, competition is going to be fierce.”
“As it should be,” Megan said. Then she looked down at Gianna again. “You’re trying out?”
“I couldn’t pass up the opportunity,” Gianna said, her eyes sparkling. “I guess I’ll see you there.”
“When and where?” Helen asked. “I hope I can make it.”
Amelia handed out flyers to each of them (except Gianna, who presumably already had them) with information about the tryouts. “Feel free to show up to cheer on our players even if you’re not trying out,” she said to Shelly. “And invite the rest of your team, too.”
Shelly looked down at the flyer. “Can we heckle them instead of cheering them on?”
Amelia laughed. “Absolutely. We don’t want any players who can’t handle the pressure. What do you say, will I see you there?”
They all said yes, even Shelly, except Megan. She looked down at the paper, swallowing. It was only two weeks away. “I’m just coming back from an injury,” she said. “I’m not really in shape yet.”
“Try out anyway,” Amelia said, waving away her objection. “You looked great tonight, even out of shape. If nothing else, you’ll learn the tryout process for next year, right?”
Megan took a deep breath. She didn’t know if she could handle that. In front of all those amazing players, from all over the city—including last year’s all-star players like Dr. Holtzwomann—when she wasn’t at her best? She wanted to play on the all-star team more than anything, but if she wasn’t good enough, she didn’t think she could stand the humiliation.
She probably would have stood there in indecision for an hour if Gianna hadn’t elbowed her in the side. “Come on, babe. What are you, chicken?”
She looked at Gianna, who was giving her a shit-eating grin. They’d both be trying out, she realized. Maybe they played different roles—but there could only be fourteen women on the team, and if one of them made it, that might just be enough to bump the other one off.
She couldn’t think of anything she would like more than to compete against Gianna one more time, for much higher stakes.
“Yeah,” she said. “I’ll be there.”
Two weeks later, the day of the tryouts, Megan was almost regretting her decision.
The tryouts were behind held in a huge, echoing arena, full of women. There must have been hundreds of them there, and dozens of men as well—significant others and family of players, support staff, and just guys who were there to watch the tryouts. Megan and Gianna had registered to try out when they arrived, and Megan had seen a glimpse of the list; there had to be a hundred women on it.
The PA system crackled, and a man’s voice boomed over all of them. “Ladies, gentlemen, and folks of other genders! Tryouts for the Sisterly Love All-Stars are about to begin! Please take your seats. Those who are trying out, in this section,” a spotlight illuminated a chunk of seats that were blocked off from the others, “by the track. Those who are here to spectate and support, take the rest of the stands. Let’s get this started!”
Megan turned, swallowing ineffectually against the lump in her throat, and headed for the chairs for the prospective players. She’d almost forgotten Gianna was there and jumped when she took her hand. But she squeezed it and held on until they reached a pair of empty seats.
They both bent to stash their bags under their seats, as everyone else was doing. When Megan sat back up and glanced to her left, she jumped. “Amelia? I thought you were already on the team.”
Amelia turned and grinned at her. “M
argaret Splatwood, right? I was last year, but I still have to try out again. The whole point is to make sure we have a better team than last year, and that means replacing every single player if we have to. The ones running the tryouts won’t be playing, so I wasn’t going to get involved in that.”
“I don’t think they should replace you no matter what,” Megan said. She felt like a little bit of a fangirl and hoped Amelia didn’t think she had a crush. She could…
Well, she still hadn’t made any kind of commitment with Gianna. But it felt like she had. And they were still holding hands.
“How’s your injury?” Amelia asked.
Megan reflexively rolled her shoulders, testing them. They both felt equal, as they had for over a week now—no pain in the injured shoulder, and she wasn’t icing it or keeping it in a sling at all anymore. She still worried. “It’s fine,” she said. “I’ve been careful with it. I’m just concerned that I’m still out of shape after weeks not playing at full capacity.”
She’d been working out hard—twice as hard as usual—since Monstrous Regiment’s last game, but it had only been at their last practice, on Thursday, that she’d felt herself able to go at full speed the whole night. She had no trust that her energy and strength would stay that high, especially after having Karen and then Joe yell at her at work the day before.
“Well, you’ll have to do a fall during the tryout, so just make sure you don’t fall onto your injury and make it worse,” Amelia said.
Megan nodded, unsurprised, but Gianna leaned forward. “Hey,” she said, talking past Megan in a teasing voice, “aren’t you supposed to avoid giving any player an advantage?”
Amelia winked. “I like you. But in seriousness, I don’t think knowing what’s coming up is going to give you any advantage.”
A woman dressed for derby started to roll slowly down the front row of seats, handing something to each player. Megan sat up so she could see a little better past the women in front of her and saw that everyone was getting a little orange ticket, like for a raffle. Before she had time to do more than wonder what they could be for, the announcer’s voice boomed out again.
Crash Into You Page 14