by AnonYMous
Katy: The way he looks at you! Oh my God. It’s like . . . so intense, you know? Like he’s seeing your soul or something.
Me: . . . So did he look at Emily like that?
Okay, so at that point, Katy got really quiet and wasn’t laughing anymore. She told me Emily was selfish and kind of weird and blamed Warren for a lot of things that weren’t his fault. Serious issues. That’s what she said Emily had. Serious issues. Then she said after it ended between them, the Science Club decided without really talking about it that they were pretty much going to pretend she didn’t exist. Loyalty, and all that.
I suppose Emily could be seen as weird, since she doesn’t really have friends. But didn’t the Science Club basically create that situation? Seems kind of harsh to punish someone for being an outcast when you’re the one who did the casting out. But I didn’t say that to Katy. I don’t want to seem disloyal either.
Me: She is kind of weird, I guess. And she’s not around much. It’s like I can’t find her some days, and sometimes she’s even later than me getting home. She’s super into her films and stuff.
Katy: Yeah. She gets kind of obsessive about things. Anyway, now you’re with Warren, or you will be, and none of that matters anymore. Trust me, he may take his time, but that’s only because he wants it to be perfect.
That made me grin from ear to ear, then we went and picked out new ski boots and a matching coat for Bex. She’ll be the best-dressed girl on the slopes, even among the other Campbell students. And all thanks to Big Sis’s new “job.”
October 22
I was beginning to wonder exactly what criteria Warren was using to measure the perfect moment. I guess I know now: anticipation, a beautiful fall night, and fire extinguishers.
We were in the lab, just me and Warren. Katy and Drew had been there but had already left, claiming studying and homework. I’m not even sure how it happened, really. I mean, chemically, I know. Ammonia and heat don’t mix well. But I’m not sure how either of us was so distracted that we didn’t catch our mistake.
Okay, well, I guess I know the answer to that, too.
It really was a beautiful night. The air was cool with a crisp promise that winter was on its way. All of the trees seemed to change color at the same time here on campus, and they’re all bold oranges and bright yellows and deep reds. The breeze picked up just enough that while I was walking to the lab, I had a magical moment where the leaves were swirling around me. I felt like I was in a movie, and I was smiling and practically giddy by the time I got to the lab.
Drew and Katy were soon off, and Warren and I were deep into a groove with the process.
I’ve done a little research online about making meth, just to learn, and only when I was certain I could erase the browser history. Most makers have a two-day process. Warren likes to spread it out over four days, just to guarantee perfection and quality. He likes to examine it between each step and let the finished product breathe a little before handing it over to our sellers.
My research let me learn not only how to make it but how to do it well. Each step is nicely drawn out and meticulous, and now that I have some experience under my belt, Warren and I circle around each other to different stations like a well-choreographed musical scene.
And I guess that’s why it was probably easy for him to predict where I was going to move next and . . . suddenly I was in his arms.
I laughed and blushed and immediately felt like it was all a little too much. I had the basic shape of him mapped out in my head, thanks to his well-fitting clothes and the occasional falling asleep on his shoulder. But when he pulled me close I started to understand how swooning was a thing.
He’s lanky, sure, but he’s fit. Maybe it’s all that time he spends climbing trees around campus. I didn’t expect his strength, and I really didn’t expect how assured he was. He turned me, leading me into an ungraceful spin, and then pulled me back to him again. And he leaned close like he was going to kiss me, and there was fire.
A literal one, unfortunately.
I’d set down a beaker of ammonia too close to the burner and it went up in flames.
I panicked, but a different kind of self-assurance kicked in with Warren, and he spun for the nearest fire extinguisher. It wasn’t a big blaze, luckily. It didn’t even set off any alarms (although I’m not honestly sure the old building has any working ones). Basically once the liquid dispersed onto the floor and everywhere else, the fire didn’t have much life in it, and what it did have, Warren easily put out.
Me, hands over my mouth: Oh shit, I am so sorry.
Warren: Okay, new rule—no dancing while we work?
Then we both broke out into hysterical laughter, fueled by adrenaline and relief.
Then Warren set the fire extinguisher aside, took a moment to make sure we were safe, and pulled me into his arms again. He kissed me then, and it was like another fire started, this one much more welcome but just as sudden and hot. And he is just as much an expert at kissing as he is at everything else. His arms encircled me, lifting me up slightly, and his lips were soft and tempting and gave and took. When he pulled away, those dazzling eyes stared straight into mine.
Me: You’re right. Timing is everything.
Warren, laughing: Worth the wait, I hope?
Me: Yes, but I’m not going to let you make me wait that long again. In fact . . .
This time I was the one to kiss him. And we kissed and kissed, so much that I was light-headed by the time we were done, and I don’t think it had anything to do with the lab’s toxic fumes.
October 24
Another perfect day at Prescott. Warren walked with me to all of my classes (holding my hand or with his arm around me always, like he can’t resist me or something). Mr. Callahan was super impressed with the extra assignment I’d turned in for fun. Neither me nor Katy had a lot of homework, so we got to spend extra time obsessing over the kissing with Warren. Then Warren and I had the lab to ourselves, so there was chemistry and chemistry happening (last time I’ll let myself make that joke, I promise). He asked if he could call me his girlfriend, and of course I said yes!!!!
And . . . I got to talk to Bex!
She is SO excited about her ski trip, and she’s going to go wild when she sees what I got her. We made plans to see each other Saturday, contingent on Drew letting me (or Katy) borrow his car, of course. Campbell isn’t that far away, really, so I’m banking on him saying yes.
I asked if she was at all sad that she wasn’t going to get to see Dad, and she said she was but that she was more afraid of going home and missing Mom the whole time. That made me think, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m the same way. I might miss Dad this Christmas, but the void Mom left is so much bigger. Plus it would have been so weird to sit there with Dad and Isa and pretend I was happy, or even comfortable with this new arrangement. All in all, I think I made the right decision not to go home.
I told Bex a little about Warren. Not that we are official or anything. I’ll save that news for in person. But just about him and what he’s like. She’s starting to pay attention to boys now, so she was pretty curious, and I loved being able to share some girl stuff with her.
I’m headed to bed relatively early and all my homework is done. Feels like it’s been weeks since both of those things happened at one time.
Like I said: perfect day at Prescott.
October 25
Okay, so a really weird thing happened just now. Warren walked me home tonight after we finished up at the lab, and we were at the gate to my dorm and Emily was returning from wherever she goes. If she didn’t already know Warren and I are a thing, she does now. No way she could have missed him kissing me.
But it was like she didn’t even see me standing there with him. She got super close to him, almost pushing me away in the process, and told him they needed to talk.
Emily seemed so different from when we were just sitting around watching movies. It was like total tunnel vision, and Warren was at the end of that tunnel and
nothing else existed. I can see what Katy meant by “intense.” It almost seemed stalkerish.
Warren was cool as could be and smiled at her. Sweetly, even. Then he said he’d talk to her and looked at me with an expression that was apologetic and also calm, like he was trying to tell me it was okay and he would be okay. He told me he’d see me tomorrow and to sleep well, and they walked off.
I don’t even know how to feel about this. It’s been two hours and Emily still isn’t home. I could text Warren or something but I don’t want to seem just as intense and possessive as Emily, so I’m not going to. Where could they be? What on earth did she want to talk about? And Warren didn’t seem surprised or even nervous that she asked, or that she was in his personal space bubble. It was almost like he was . . . used to it or something.
I won’t text Katy, either. I’m just going to try to go to sleep. Failing that, I’ll pretend I am, so Emily won’t think I’ve been freaking out all night long.
October 26
Okay, I guess my freak-out last night was over nothing, at least as far as Warren is concerned. He was waiting for me outside of English, cup of coffee in hand. He smiled and handed me the coffee and told me it was very cool of me to be okay with him talking to Emily last night. He thanked me for being supportive and understanding. I asked if they got everything sorted out, and he shrugged.
Warren: I’m not sure. She will have to sort out a lot on her own, you know? She’s got some issues that go far beyond me and our whole thing, and she’s got to learn how to get those under control. I can’t hold her hand through that. That’s not my job. It wasn’t really even my job when we were together.
I nodded like I totally understood what he was saying, but I didn’t get it at all. I wanted to ask about a billion more questions, but after he’d thanked me for being so chill about it, I didn’t feel like I could.
Warren: Did she come home last night? After we talked?
Me: I don’t know. When did you finish talking?
Warren: We only talked for about an hour.
Me: She must have gone somewhere else, then. She wasn’t there when I woke up this morning, either. Maybe she went to a friend’s? Or to the AV room? I guess I can understand if she didn’t want to be around me. If I’d known . . .
I stopped there, shook my head, and smiled at Warren.
Me: Okay, if I’d known, I probably wouldn’t have done anything differently. Am I a horrible person?
Warren, laughing: No! I liked you from the moment I first saw you. I probably would have been relentless if you’d turned me down, especially if it was because of something silly like your roommate.
Me: Well, hopefully she’ll get over it. I have to live with her until summer.
Warren: She’ll have to. You didn’t do anything wrong. Our breakup was mutual, really. Just do me a favor?
Me: Sure. Anything.
Warren: She’ll probably try to convince you that I’m a horrible person. Don’t believe her.
Me, leaning up to kiss him in spite of the harsh penalties at Prescott for PDA: I could never believe that about you.
The rest of the day was fine. I sat with the Science Club at lunch, I went to the lab after classes, and Warren and I quizzed each other about chemistry as we worked, because we have a test coming up.
I stayed pretty late at the lab. We didn’t even have that much work to do, but I really didn’t feel like dealing with Emily yet. I’m not afraid she’ll be angry, more like I’m afraid of that weird kind of intensity that she had with Warren last night. I don’t think I could handle that if it was focused on me. Also, I’m really curious about her and Warren. Oddly obsessed. I don’t really want to know, but I also really want to know. And I guess I’m kind of scared too that maybe he’ll make me as nuts as Emily. I’m already scared of losing him, and I think about him nonstop. I mean, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that I’d take it pretty badly if he broke up with me. Maybe not stalkerish and trying to talk to him in the middle of the night months later, but . . . it would really hurt.
But I didn’t have anything to worry about. Even though it’s really late, Emily still isn’t back in the room.
October 30
Not much to report today. I thought Halloween would be interesting here at Prescott, but it turns out they have strict rules against dressing up and celebrations because of a couple of pranks that went south a few years ago. So lame. I feel like these rich kids could really do Halloween right, but I guess it’s not worth the risk of punishment. The teachers, to their credit, have largely ignored that and passed out candy in every class I’ve been in. I thought about asking Emily if she’d want to watch a scary movie or something, kind of an olive branch, but I haven’t seen her at all since the whole thing with Warren, mostly because she’s been elsewhere. I feel like I should be there for her. She’s obviously not dealing well with everything, and I think I might be her only friend, but I have no idea how to navigate this now that I know about her and Warren. Added to that, school is getting increasingly difficult. Maybe the teachers are just piling on the work because it will be winter break soon, and then we’ll only have a few weeks before midterms. I don’t know, but between homework, Emily, the Club, and break, I have a lot to juggle.
And UGH. I have to write an essay about Macbeth. I really do not want to write an essay about Macbeth. Please, God, anything but Macbeth. Katy said she’d help me, which might be the only reason I’ll get a good grade. I’ve decided to write about the prophecy and how it influenced Macbeth’s actions. I personally don’t think he and Lady Macbeth would have acted the way they did if they hadn’t been convinced that the witches had predicted their future. But then, maybe the witches knew that telling him would lead to that, so they were right anyway? Either way, I think they felt justified and maybe even absolved sometimes because they believed so strongly that ruling was their destiny. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Maybe I’ll just do what everyone else is doing and write about how Lady Macbeth manipulated her husband into doing awful things. I only have a little over two weeks to get it done.
Drew actually wants to come to Campbell with me, so he’s going to drive. I guess he has a little brother there. Katy is going too, so naturally Warren is coming along. I can’t wait to see Bex. I wonder what she’ll think of Warren???
I wonder what Mom would think of Warren too. And would she be happy for me that I finally have a boyfriend? And about how happy I am?
And is it . . . is it okay to be this happy? I mean, this is what I’ve often wondered about Dad and Isa. I know Mom would be happy that I’m happy, but I don’t know. It feels somehow disloyal to Mom to be smiling when she’s gone.
November 1
I finally talked to Emily. It was sort of hard to read her, really, because I got the feeling she was being overly . . . well, overly enthusiastic about me and Warren, actually.
I basically told her I hoped it wouldn’t be a problem that I was seeing Warren now, and she assured me it was fine. She said the other night was just about some stuff she had to get off her chest but that she is completely, 100 percent over him. Then she rambled for a while about how she realizes now how unsupportive he was and how he never really understood her. She also said it was pretty much all lust between them, which made me a little angry and jealous if I’m being honest. It was like she wanted to remind me that she’d also kissed him and she was there first. But really, she’s over him and I shouldn’t be worried about anything.
Oh, and she threw in this comment about how she hopes I won’t believe everything he says about her, which is exactly what he said about her.
I told her that if it made her uncomfortable, I’d never bring him around her, and she snapped at me and said it was all fine and she didn’t care at all. I left it alone after that and we both did our homework in silence. Then about twenty minutes later, unprompted:
Emily: Warren can’t just ignore me all the time, you know.
Me: I don’t think he would do that. Ma
ybe he’s just nervous that you’re still upset with him.
Emily: That’s totally something he would do, Bailey. But you don’t know him that well, do you? Not like I do.
At that point I put my headphones in and listened to music until I was done with homework. I’d have given anything to go to the lab and stay there instead or something, but it was late and I would have been busted for curfew. Luckily, Emily turned off her light and went to sleep and I didn’t have to deal with her anymore.
I think she’s just trying to get in my head, but she’s definitely managed it. I wish I’d seen Warren tonight, even just a little, but with all the studying and homework I had to do, I’d told him earlier there was no chance of helping him tonight. It will be all right, I know it will. I just haven’t had a relationship before, especially not with someone as amazing as Warren. So I’m paranoid that he’s not as into me as I am him, and I think that’s only natural, right?
And of course I realized as I was writing this that I didn’t work on my Macbeth paper. I’m in no frame of mind for that tonight. I’ll have to start tomorrow. I can’t stop thinking about what Emily said.
Like, I am trying SO HARD to be there for Emily and to make her feel like she’s got someone to talk to. So why would she pick at me like this? I hate to say it, but maybe the Science Club has the right idea about her. Who would blame me for ditching her with her acting like this?
November 4
Bex! Oh my God. When I saw her, we hugged and hugged and laughed and then hugged some more. I’ve been so busy and distracted (a good thing, I guess), I hadn’t realized how much I’ve been missing her until I saw her. I feel like this is something only an old person would say, but she looked like she’d grown about five inches. And she’s learned how to fix her hair, a necessity at boarding school. She’s clearly rocking a straightener.