by AnonYMous
At least I got all my homework done, but it was at the expense of spending time in the lab, and I really could have used some more time with Warren tonight. Like, a lot more time. After the little fight we had the other night, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be with him and let him convince me that everything is okay. But I had to leave the lab early to do my reading in civics and English.
Emily was in a foul mood tonight too. I don’t know what’s going on with her and I probably should have asked, but quite frankly, I don’t have the energy to invest in her right now. I’m just scraping by as it is. And if it’s about Warren, I don’t want to hear it anyway. So when I got in and she snarled something about “trouble in paradise” with me and Warren, I pretty much threw in my earbuds and buried myself in my civics textbook. She stayed up even later than me and I nearly screamed at her for drumming her fingers on her desk and keeping me up with her impromptu percussion solo.
Thank God I’m about to fall asleep from pure exhaustion, or it might have come to blows.
February 27
Everything seems to be fine with Warren, and he’s getting more pills tonight, but something about that fight has been bugging me since it happened. And it took me until tonight to figure it out:
If he thought I’d taken all those pills, shouldn’t he have been concerned about me? Not the pills?
But that’s silly. I told him I’d been sharing with Katy right after that. He probably didn’t even have time to worry about me. And wasn’t him thinking I was lying concern for me anyway? I mean, if I’d taken those all myself and lied to him about it, of course he’d be concerned. Obviously he was just trying to make sure I was taking them properly.
. . . Right?
March 3
I went with Warren and Drew to make deliveries tonight.
Katy thought I was nuts and asked to be dropped off at a frozen yogurt place. She said she makes enough connections, she doesn’t want to be seen with them too. But Warren and Drew said it would be okay, as long as I waited in the car.
I don’t really know why I wanted to go. For one, Katy has been a little cold to me since I told her I was out of Adderall and that Warren didn’t want me to share anymore. She said Warren was always selfish like that, which I thought was uncalled-for and completely untrue, so we haven’t been talking as much as usual. I mean, really, how dare she? He’s trying to help me, and she’s only focused on the pills. She hasn’t asked me how I’m doing at all.
But other than that, there was no good reason for my sudden desire to stick with the guys. I’ve been pretty happy with keeping my distance from this part. Blind eye and all that. But now that Warren is involved . . . now that I know why he did this and why he works so hard . . . and also, now that we are making more than we’ve ever made before, I want to know how it works. I want to at least understand every cog in the machine, even if it doesn’t really touch mine.
We dropped Katy off (after she asked me again to be sane and come with her instead) and headed to the east end of Wiltshire. As we drove, we literally went across some train tracks like some horrible cliché to a part of town I was completely unfamiliar with. As soon as we were on the other side, everything changed. The houses were more run-down. There were bars on the storefront windows. There were people out walking, and none of them were dressed well, like the people we saw in the mall in Wiltshire. We passed under a bridge and there were tents there.
Me: So, when you said we were expanding . . .
Drew, shaking his head: This is our territory, Bailey. All of it. Has been for a few years. The expansion was less about an area, more about attracting a new type of clientele.
I wanted to ask, but I didn’t. I was beginning to think this was a mistake. I didn’t know any of the people we were passing by, but I saw their faces now. Their eyes. Their hopelessness.
Warren, disgusted, turning away from the window: There’s lots of heroin down here too. But, as you know, we wouldn’t ever get into that scene.
Drew: No. The guys that deal it too . . . straight-up frauds. They put all sorts of shit in their product. Or they don’t even know where it’s coming from.
Me: Fentanyl?
Warren, visibly agitated: Yeah. Fentanyl. Whatever they can get their hands on. (Cursing under his breath that I couldn’t quite make out.)
Drew slowed to a stop. I couldn’t help but think his fancy car stood out in this area like a sore thumb. The dome light came on as Drew pushed open his door. I felt like it was the only light around for blocks.
Drew: Lock the doors. Don’t you dare leave. And on the off chance that something bad goes down, do not under any circumstances call the cops. Drive away. Park a mile or two from campus, leave the keys inside, and walk back.
Warren, handing me the keys to his car: And come back to pick up Katy with mine.
Me, staring dumbly at the keys: There’s a possibility that something bad will happen?
Drew, smiling warmly: Usually not. But sometimes people we don’t know show up.
I noticed that nowhere in this plan did they want me to come back for them. Meaning they would either be in jail or dead. Panic seized me, and I must have been showing it on my face because Warren reached out for my hand and gave it a squeeze, promising everything would be fine. Then he pecked me on the cheek and they both climbed out of the car, taking several duffel bags with them. I saw them disappear into a house that was mostly dark. A light flipped on inside, but only one. I locked the doors and waited, watching and listening. Anxious. Time moved so slowly I thought I was going to grow old and die in that car. But then I heard voices. Drew and Warren were back.
Me, more relieved than I’d ever been in my life: Everything went okay?
Drew, smiling: Yep.
Warren: I think perhaps we should up our prices.
Drew: Maybe. In a week or two. Materials are getting expensive. (He turned back to me.) Okay if we make one more stop?
I said sure, because I’d survived one, so I could surely survive another. Unlike the last place, though, we didn’t stop at a house. We were outside of what looked to be an abandoned gas station. The boys told me it was the same deal as before, and left me. This time, by way of the streetlights, I got to see what went down.
I felt like I was watching a movie. Like this couldn’t possibly be part of my life.
As Warren and Drew headed toward the station, a solitary man came from the other direction, shaking their hands like they were old friends. There was some talking, some laughing, then Drew pulled out what was obviously a wad of cash. I started to worry, because this seemed so public. So VISIBLE. But the man didn’t hold on to the cash for long. I don’t even think he counted it, just pocketed it and withdrew a couple of small bags from the inside of his coat. Drew took one, and Warren took two. Even from this distance I could see the pale orange color inside one of them. The guys all shook hands again and then it was over and they were back in the car.
Warren slid in next to me, letting Drew play chauffeur. I looked at him questioningly, and he pulled out the bag of orange pills. We smiled. So that was it. Not that hard. And the guy had just wanted money in return, not our product.
When we crossed back over the train tracks, Drew pulled something out of his coat pocket and tossed it unceremoniously into the glove compartment. As he shut the door I caught a glimpse of a dark metal barrel and a leather grip. It was a small gun, but I had no doubt it would do the job and that Drew knew how to use it. The protection they’d mentioned before. But somehow, it didn’t make me feel safer.
I curled into Warren and he wrapped himself around me. When Katy got in, she leaned over and whispered something into Drew’s ear that made Drew turn back to us and ask if it was okay if we split up for the night. It meant that Katy wanted Drew to come back with her for a while. It also meant Drew and Warren’s room would be unoccupied.
I put the worry out of my mind so that I could enjoy having some time alone with Warren, but now that I’m writing, I have to wonder
. . . if you have to bring a gun to feel safe, do you really feel safe?
March 7
Today I saw for myself what Katy was talking about with Warren and Emily. I’d gone into the dining hall between first and second periods to grab some coffee (the dining hall coffee is rather horrible and weak, but I don’t have time to get to the coffee shop until after school) and as I was walking out, I spotted them. They were deep in conversation by the English building, exactly where I needed to go. I could tell by both their expressions that the conversation wasn’t pleasant.
I felt absolutely ridiculous and kind of paranoid, but I totally hid behind a tree and watched.
We have fifteen minutes between periods so we can all get to the other buildings on campus, and getting the coffee couldn’t have taken me more than five, if that. Which left nearly ten whole minutes of them talking to each other. Emily’s brows were furrowed and she spoke through a clenched jaw. Warren seemed impatient, shrugging and shaking his head. I think I even saw him roll his eyes once.
Then, to my horror, she stepped closer to him and took his hand. He let her take it for a moment, then dropped it, and his lips formed a forceful “No.”
I was so relieved. It was like seeing that everything he and Katy had ever told me about Emily, and how Warren felt about her now, was completely true. I mean, I knew deep down he wasn’t lying to me, but I guess there was a part of me . . . that scared and paranoid part, probably . . . that still thought maybe he had some feelings for her. Or, if I’m really honest with myself, he didn’t feel that strongly about ME.
I figured it was time to mark my territory, so to speak, so I wandered over to them, gave Emily the brightest smile I could muster, and kissed Warren on the cheek. He shot me a grateful look and reached down for my hand. The warning bell rang, so Emily excused herself, and Warren gave me another kiss before we went into the English building.
Me: Everything okay?
Warren: Great now that you’re here. Sorry about that. She seems to find the worst times to corner me.
Me: What did she want?
Warren, with a sad smile: She just wanted to remind me, again, that I’m a horrible person and everything is my fault. Don’t worry about it. Coming to the lab tonight?
Me: Wouldn’t miss it.
Warren, wrinkling his nose: Unfortunately we won’t be alone tonight. I think Drew and Katy want to have a little meeting. I swear, every time Katy has a whim to hook up with Drew, we have to rehash everyone’s roles again. It’s like they forget how to be normal around each other.
Me: She obviously wants more and he won’t give it to her. It’s sad, really.
Warren stopped walking, right in front of our classroom, and looked at me strangely.
Warren: Is that what she told you?
Me: Yeah. Why? That’s not what it’s like?
Warren, laughing: Not at all. Drew’s been crazy about her for years but Katy only wants him when it’s convenient.
Me: So Katy’s lying?
Warren: Katy’s a master manipulator, Bailey. I know she’s your friend, but she only looks out for herself. She’s incredibly selfish.
It was weird that he called her that, when she’d used the same word about him last week. But I had to admit, in Katy’s word against Drew’s, I’d believe Drew first. Maybe I’ll try talking to Katy again, though. Selfish or not, she’s super fun, and I miss having her to gossip with. And we haven’t even discussed the other night yet. Plus, with my only other female friend actively trying to hold my boyfriend’s hand, I think I’ll take the lesser of two evils, thanks.
I’m so mad at Emily I could scream. Honestly, there’s no way to deal with her and maintain peace in our room. I guess I should just accept that and tell her to back the hell off my boyfriend. Or maybe I should take a kinder approach.
Ugh, Mom. I’d give anything to talk this over with you. . . .
March 8
To say that Emily and I had it out tonight would be the understatement of the year. Maybe even the century.
I got back from the lab and she was sitting at her desk, doing her homework and tapping her fingers like she does in that way that grates on my nerves, and I don’t know what it was, but I snapped. There was no way I was going to take the “kinder” approach when I’d seen her try to hold hands with my boyfriend earlier. I just couldn’t take it.
I threw my bag down and just kind of unleashed. Then she accused me of spying on them and being paranoid. I told her I wasn’t paranoid when I’m clearly seeing things with my own eyes. Then she fed me some bullshit about how she wasn’t trying to hold hands with him, just trying to make him listen. She kept saying he was cutting her off, and I screamed that of course he was, they were no longer dating and she needed to leave him the hell alone. She yelled back that she’d leave him alone if he would leave her alone, whatever that means. Probably just trying to make me doubt Warren.
It was so bad the dorm mom came up to investigate, but luckily, Emily had already stormed off. After I apologized and the dorm mom left, I called Warren and told him what happened and warned him that Emily might come looking for him and that she seemed especially bad at the moment. He promised he knew how to handle her and told me not to worry. He thought maybe I was mad at him, but I assured him I wasn’t. None of this is his fault; it’s hers. She can’t let him go and I think she’s delusional. He told me he’d call if Emily shows up or something, but if I don’t hear from him, everything is good.
I can’t do the homework that I still have to do. My nerves are completely frayed. So I took a long, hot shower, checked my phone to make sure I hadn’t missed a call from Warren, then settled into bed with this diary. I am so done with today.
And just WHAT did Emily mean about Warren not leaving her alone??? I mean, she’s the one who follows him around. Katy says that. Warren has implied as much. But . . .
I don’t know. It totally could be my mind playing tricks on me, but sometimes I swear he ENJOYS the attention. From her, but then from me, when I get upset about it. And I don’t know. I know everyone close to me says Emily’s a bit on the unstable side but . . . she’s never struck me as mean or vindictive. Or even a liar.
I don’t know. Maybe I fought so hard with her because I’m confused and I don’t know who to believe. But they both can’t be right.
March 9
So Katy wasn’t exactly the nicest last night in the lab. She wasn’t mean; she was just kind of cold. She pretty much just reminded all of us that she and Drew take care of the selling, while Warren and I are to stick with making the product. I felt like the whole thing was meant to put us back in our place, like me going with the boys the other night was crossing some kind of line. And it was definitely a reminder to Warren that he’s just helping, that he’s not as important as Drew.
Such a laughable thought. If they didn’t have me and Warren, they’d have nothing. And Warren is the whole reason our product is the best around.
But when Katy showed up in the girls’ restroom when I was about to take my first Adderall of the day, I couldn’t be mad at her. Katy is who she is, and I kind of admire how strong and honest she is.
So I pulled out a pill for her and gave it to her. She looked at it, confused, and asked if my “master” was allowing me to share again.
The “master” barb stung. I mean, I was sort of following his orders, but this was a totally abnormal situation. I shrugged her off and told her I’d cover if he asked, and claim to have taken the extra one myself. Still, even for Katy, the remark was a little below the belt.
Me: Why are you so pissed at me, anyway? Because of Warren and not sharing?
Katy: No. Not really. I don’t know. It’s a bunch of stuff. And only some of it even involves you.
Me: Well, I’m listening.
We took our pills and I swear I started to instantly feel better. Perhaps it was just a placebo effect, but just knowing the pill was in my system now made me feel more ready for whatever Prescott or Katy threw at me. I hone
stly don’t know what I’d do without them at this point, which is a little scary but . . . it’s okay. It won’t be for much longer. After that, Katy suggested we blow off class and go elsewhere. I shouldn’t have missed English, but I hated thinking I was somehow not in Katy’s good graces, especially with things as bad with Emily as they are. So I said yes. Moments later we were walking away from the English building and wandering in the direction of the coffee shop.
Katy: So part of it is that you and Warren are so intense. I’m jealous, I guess. Drew would never act like that with me. But also, I swear he’s all you think about. It’s like we haven’t had girl time since break.
Me: Well . . . he kinda is all I think about. I’m sorry. I’m just so into him. I can see why Emily’s so . . . irrational.
Katy, rolling her eyes: He is hot, in a sort of subtle, nerdy way. And I get it. You’re in love with him. But between you and Drew not paying attention to me, then Warren apparently not even liking me enough to share Addys with me, I just feel sort of . . . I don’t know. Left out. When you went with them the other night . . . I was worried for you. And worried I’d be on the outside even more after that.
I think I stared at her for a full minute, mouth hanging open, because I couldn’t wrap my head around the impossibly cool, glamorous Katy Ashton feeling left out or caring about what anyone else thinks, period. But I thought about it, and, as loyal as the SC is to each other, we’re also super isolated. If Katy or any of us feels left out, we don’t have anyone else to turn to. I suppose it’s for good reason, but it means I’ve got to keep myself in. I regained myself and tried to say something useful.