by Sara Hazel
“You think I’m lucky? Look at me. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I see a pretty girl who just needs to let go of her insecurities and accept the fact that a total dream of a man is falling for her.”
“He’s falling a little too fast.”
“So, let him do it. You don’t have to tell him you’re in love with him if he says it before you do. Just smile and tell him how great you think it is that he’s fallen for your undeniable charms. He’ll be even more intrigued by you, and he’ll work harder. It’s a win for you all around.”
I take a deep breath and smile as I picture how great life could become for me if I just open myself to Lucas completely. I feel a new surge of confidence and a desire to be truly open to the possibility of allowing love into my life.
And then I get home, and Lucas is outside my apartment building waiting with several dozen roses in his hand. He effortlessly handles them all.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I wanted to see you again, and I have something important to ask you.”
“Ok, it’s pretty cold out here, so um, let’s, let’s go inside.” I stumble over my words. My heart is racing. No man has ever shown up randomly at my apartment with flowers before. This kind of thing just does not happen to Heidi Norris. It’s great, but also quite overwhelming.
I take Lucas into my small one-bedroom apartment. He looks around the living room decorated with some old paintings that I made, and smiles.
“These are very good,” he says as he stands before a painting of a fox. “I had no idea you were an artist.”
“There is so much we don’t know about each other, Mr. Jensen,” I reply.
“Oh, we’re back to that Mr. Jensen business now, are we?”
“I don’t know. I guess. Maybe not. I’m sorry, Lucas,” I reply.
“That’s better. And I can’t wait to get to know you better. I am already sure that you are a special and beautiful young woman, and nothing could change my mind about that.”
Lucas hands me the flowers, and I lay them on the kitchen table. One bouquet at a time, I find vases for them. There are six bouquets altogether, and I have to use some very tall glasses once I run out of real vases.
“You went a little overboard,” I say. “But I love them.”
“You know, I’ve never bought flowers for a woman before, so I wanted the first time to be special,” he says.
“This is my first time getting them from anyone. I usually buy flowers for myself. That’s sad, right?”
“It’s not sad. You like beautiful things, and you’re not waiting around for someone to fill your life with them. But now your wait is over, because that’s my job now.”
I turn and look up at him. He’s much taller than I am, and for the first time I’m really aware of how small I feel next to him. It’s an unusual feeling for me—smallness. Looking up at Lucas really strains my neck after a while.
“Anyway,” he says. “I came to ask you a question.”
He gets down on one knee and now he’s looking up at me. I swear I’m gonna have a heart attack. We’ve only had two dates together.
“Why are you—why—” I stutter.
“Heidi, you’re the most beautiful woman I ever met. You make me feel like I can have the kind of life I was sure wasn’t possible for me—a wife, kids, a happy future. I knew from the second I saw you. You’re probably thinking this is crazy, but after our day together yesterday, it’s clear to me that you’re the first woman I’ve ever felt this way about, and you’ll be the last.”
“Lucas…”
My heart sinks, and flips around my stomach. I’ve read my share of instalove romances, and I love them too, but I never thought I’d find myself living one for real. I always imagined if that ever happened to me, I’d be happy beyond my wildest dreams and just say yes. But in reality, it doesn’t seem that easy.
“Heidi, please marry me. I know it’s sudden, but I promise you that I will prove to you that we’re meant to be together.”
“No,” I whisper. “No, I can’t marry you, Lucas. Not now…not yet. That’s crazy.”
And then he takes out a little blue box from Tiffany and opens it up. The large princess cut diamond sparkles in the dim light of my apartment, and I swear it makes the whole place shine like magic. This is really happening to me, but it is crazy.
And then I blurt out what is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever said to anyone. “We should just be friends with benefits or something. You know, until you find someone you fit better with.”
Lucas
*
“I’ve lived my entire life wondering if I would ever fit with someone. And then I saw you and fell in love at first sight. You don’t have to say that back to me. I get it. I know how this looks, Heidi. But you have to know that I am serious about this. I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t.”
“Please get up,” she says.
I close the ring box and slide it back into my pocket. I’ll hold on to it until she’s ready. And I know that she will be ready someday. I just have to learn to be patient, and trust in my unshakeable belief that this is meant to be.
I rise to my feet and cup my hands to Heidi’s rose-colored cheeks.
“Friends with benefits, huh?”
She nods. “Yeah, that’s what guys usually want from a girl like me, right?”
“Is that what you really want?” I ask her.
She sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slow. I know that she’s lying to me. She’s just trying to protect her heart, and I don’t blame her for it one bit.
“Well, you’re an amazing girl, and I’d be crazy to turn down an offer like that, Heidi. But I know that I want more than that. I need more than that. So, until you’re ready, we’ll just be friends—friends without those particular benefits that you’re thinking of.”
I let go of her face, and she looks down at the ground for a minute. “You’re right. That’s for the best, really.”
“For now,” I reply. “But you better know that I ain’t giving up on you. I’d better get home. I have some work to do on your friends’ wedding.”
Heidi slowly grabs my hand, and then as she realizes what she’s done, she pulls it back.
She doesn’t say another word, just slinks onto her couch and stares into space. I should sit down beside her, but I have a feeling she feels very awkward all of a sudden, and I don’t want to cause her further embarrassment. So, I kiss the top of her head and leave.
When I get into my car, I bang my hands on the steering wheel. “Shit!” I say out loud.
I’m not angry with Heidi at all. But I’m very angry with myself. I should never have put her in such a position. If I had just allowed things to take their proper course, I’m sure that she would have been fine. But now I’ve screwed up, and I’m afraid it’s going to be much more difficult for me now.
I speed off, and when I arrive at home, I dive right into my work and try to take my mind off the events of the day. Until I realize the ring is still in my pocket. I take it out and look it over. My heartbeat speeds up just looking at this thing and picturing it on Heidi’s finger.
Everything was perfect yesterday, and now it’s a disaster—at least for today.
But I will never give up until I’m sure she doesn’t want to be with me.
Over the next week, I leave Heidi alone to recover from the shock of my question. But then I send her a friendly text just to say hello. And she doesn’t answer until the next day. She tells me that she’s sorry if she upset me and I reassure her that she did nothing of the sort.
*
Over the next several months, we become great friends who do almost everything together. All my free time seems to be spent with Heidi. But every time I reach for her hand or try to kiss her, she pulls away. But outside of those few awkward moments, we get to know each other well, and we become closer by the second.
It’s the end of July now, and hot as hell here in Chicago. Heidi and I ar
e walking along the quiet section of an otherwise very busy beach. We’ve just climbed out of the water where we splashed and laughed for hours. So, I feel confident that now is the right time to slide my hand around hers. I do so, and this time—Heidi doesn’t let go.
“Are you dating anyone?” She asks.
“That is a silly question, Heidi. When I’m not planning weddings, I am with you.”
“You're right. I really shouldn’t keep asking you to hang out with me.”
“I always say yes, don’t I?”
“You do, but you shouldn’t. I know you want to find someone to settle down with. You should be out looking for her. I want you to be happy,” she says softly.
“There’s only one woman I can ever be happy with, and you know who she is. It’s someone you know very well.”
She lets go of my hand, and that familiar sigh of hers returns.
“It’s complicated. Really complicated,” she says.
“Not for me, but I get it, sweetheart. You don’t have to explain it again. If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready.”
“Ok,” she whispers.
The next day I get a text from Heidi that says “I can’t see you anymore. I don’t want to hold you back like this. So, I’m blocking your number. It’s the only way I can think of to set you free. I love you, Lucas. I do. There’s something wrong with me though. I can’t just let myself be happy for some reason.”
I try to reply and see that she’s already followed through on her promise to block me. She blocks me on all her social media accounts as well.
I show up at her apartment, but I don’t see her. I call her friends in a desperate act to reach her.
“She made us promise not to talk to you about her, Lucas. I’m really sorry,” says Amy.
I feel like I’m being torn apart. Heidi has been my world since February. I know what she thinks she’s doing — she imagines that she’s setting me free to find happiness. But happiness is not something I will ever have without her. Even if friends are all we ever get to be, I’ll take that over not seeing her again.
But eventually, I have to give up and let her come to me. If it’s meant to be then I know she will.
But December comes and final preparations for the triple wedding of Georgia, Kat, and Amy are taking all my time. I know I’ll see Heidi at the wedding, and I plan to pour my heart out to her when I do. This is a totally different Lucas Jensen then the guy in the past who never would have obsessed over a girl like this. I was always the one to turn them down. It seems like fate is being cruel to me by having introduced me to the girl of my dreams only to take her away from me. But I won’t let this cruel fate win without a fight.
Heidi
*
Life without Lucas has made the rest of this year impossibly difficult. And the Christmas decorations just make everything worse. With the wedding coming up and my high-profile role in it—I’m sure to encounter Lucas at least once during the reception or something.
I’ve thought about him every day, but I’ve accepted what I did. I felt like I had to let him go, because I believed it to be the best thing for him. I want him to be happy, and I’m not sure he would be happy with little old me.
Maybe that’s just my insecurities talking. Maybe it’s a deeper truth within myself. I’m not sure, and at this point it might not matter. I’m sure Lucas the player has moved on to another woman.
In fact, I saw him kissing one outside his brother’s coffee shop the other day. I hadn’t been there in a long time, and I just wanted to go and check in on him, I guess. But the sight of Lucas kissing that beautiful thin red head right on the lips tore me in half, so I ran back to the train station in tears. I have to remind myself that I did this. I turned him down, told him I no longer even wanted to be his friend. It was too painful for me, and now the final nail has been hammered in. That’s it, and I’m gonna have to get over him.
Today I’m hanging out in Amy’s nursery. Her baby girl Jessica was born a few months ago, and I’ve already decided I’m going to play the role of the fun aunt in her life. So, I bought her a onesie that says, “Ready to party” and as I hold it against her, Amy laughs and shakes her head “no”.
“She’s never going to wear that. I’m not letting her party until she’s thirty-five. Until then, Sam and I are watching her every move.”
“Wow. I never imagined you’d be that kind of parent,” I say.
“Yeah, well, maybe I’ll change my mind and grant her a bit more freedom, but right now she’s so small and delicate. The world is a harsh place, Heidi.”
“You survived somehow!”
“You did too,” Amy replies. “Anyway, thank you for the lovely gift. I’m only teasing. I’ll let my baby out into the world someday. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to like it.”
Baby Jessica has fallen asleep yet again. It’s her usual mode of operation.
“Finally,” Amy says. “I’m looking forward to my wedding being over so I can take a nap!”
“I’m not looking forward to your wedding. I can’t face the wedding planner.”
“That’s your own fault, sweetie. I’ve told you already how crazy I think you are.”
“Yeah, well, I already know that. Lucas has moved on anyway.”
“Really? He asked about you the other day.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! He told us he still doesn’t understand what happened, but he’s looking forward to seeing you at the wedding.”
“That’s nice, but he was kissing some ginger Barbie girl the other day outside his brother’s coffee shop. So, I’m sure he was just saying that.”
“Wow. I’m sure it wasn’t what you were thinking.”
“I saw it. Lips locked. Tongues shoved into each other’s mouth. It was awful. But I was happy for him. He did exactly what I wanted him to do.”
“Someday Heidi you’re going to have to learn how to let yourself be happy for you. You and Lucas really had something there for a while. That man was obsessed with you! Probably still is.”
I sigh loudly and plop down on a rocking chair.
“Ok, I’m gonna talk to him at the wedding. It’s not as if his new girlfriend will be at your wedding or anything. So, I can just tell him how sorry I am for everything and that I want our friendship back at the very least. Do you think he’ll understand? I was just afraid of opening myself up to love, and he really was rushing into things quite a bit…”
“Of course, he will, sweetie. This is the best thing I’ve heard you say in months. I’m proud of you. Just talk to him. It will be fine. He’ll understand that you just got scared. And the moment he gets tired of Barbie, you can casually suggest to him that you’re ready to get married—to him.”
“This is why you’re my best friend,” I say as I lean against her. She wraps her arm around me and pulls me close.
“Now let’s go have some coffee while Jessica takes her nap,” she says.
Lucas
*
I make my final trip around the ballroom to ensure everything is perfect. Every decoration must be in place. Every fork must be straight. They don’t call me the best wedding planner in Chicago for nothing.
Once I’m satisfied with everything, I head out into the hallway to watch the reaction of the guests as they arrive at the reception. There are plenty of oohs and ahhs from the ladies as they look at my beautiful Christmas themed Wedding decor. A Christmas tree ice sculpture is the first thing to greet guests, and I’m quite pleased to see them taking pictures with it.
And then I see her—
Heidi.
She’s wearing her flowing red bridesmaid dress with a plunging neckline to show off her ample cleavage. I’m far enough away at the moment to avoid her attention, so I stand here and admire her beauty. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and my cock rises in my pants. I can’t help what she does to me, but now I’ll have to try to stop thinking about her long enough for it to go down. Then I can’t loo
k at her again all night, or someone will notice my constant erection.
The sensible thing to do might be to leave her alone. She hasn’t spoken to me in so long, and I doubt she wants to now. But I can’t help myself. I am drawn to her and my feet take on a life of their own as I move towards her.
“Heidi, you look like a Goddess,” I say. “You always look like one to me, but tonight…wow.”
“Hey,” she whispers. She looks at the ground. “I’d better go sit down. The brides will be waiting for me.”
“Promise me now that you’ll dance with me later. Just one dance.”
“Are you sure you want to?” She asks.
“Of course, I do, silly girl. Just one dance and you can ignore me for the rest of the night. Sound good?”
“I don’t really want to ignore you,” she says. “But we’ll talk more later.”
The rest of the reception goes by very slowly for me. I make my rounds to ensure that everything remains perfect, and I glance at Heidi every chance I get. Finally, a nice slow song comes on and I go to her. She’s just sitting in her chair swaying to the music. I offer my hand and help her up.
“I’ve come to claim my dance now,” I say. “And you already agreed to it earlier, so you can’t back out now.” I laugh. She smiles softly.
As we dance, I get as close to her as possible. I press my body against her soft one. She doesn’t pull away, just sways along with me.
“I’m sorry, Lucas,” she whispers. “Really sorry. I want us to be friends again. I was just afraid. You proposed to me so fast my head was spinning. You know I’m a skeptic when it comes to finding love for myself. So, I ran from it. And I’m so sorry for it. I’ll be sorry for it for the rest of my life. But I can’t do this not being friends thing anymore. I know it’s probably best for you if we aren’t, but I’d like to try. I hope your new girlfriend will understand.”
I don’t say anything, just continue our sweet slow dance. I want to bend down and kiss her, but instead I just pull her closer to me. When the song ends, I take her hand and lead her out of the ballroom.