It’s going to happen faster than we think. They’ve just announced that they got their forecasts messed up. It’s possible you and I will experience it. We’ll be old but we’ll still be here to see it. To cheer it on.
It makes you feel like strolling along the road, walking in the darkness, she said vaguely.
He nodded and finished his beer while looking up at the sky. For her part, she found it very strange that he didn’t have a girlfriend.
VOICE
Richard finally gave a sign of life just as Dan was dropping Marlene off in front of her house. He hadn’t chosen the best moment to resurface, for Dan’s mind was elsewhere; he hadn’t totally forgotten him, but close enough. He hadn’t felt the time pass with Marlene. And so he was almost taken aback when he saw Richard’s name displayed on the screen, almost annoyed. He gave Marlene a wave and answered the phone without pleasure, especially since he’d felt good that evening, talking quietly, finally relaxed, and even before Richard opened his mouth he already knew it was fucked. Richard was going to ruin everything.
You gotta come get me, he said in a strangled voice punctuated by a moan, and God knew Richard was no softie.
Dan felt as if he’d been doused by an icy shower. Then a wave of guilt washed over him and he set off immediately, brow furrowed, mood dark.
Meanwhile, Richard managed to drag himself to a bench at the edge of the reservoir whose surface gleamed in the heavy silence. The area was deserted, not a soul around. His thoughts were full of static, muddled by the jolts running through his body. He could hardly explain how he’d ended up there, half dazed, in the dark, but he knew he’d taken a good beating. He checked vaguely that he still had all his teeth, noted that his nose was bleeding—he tilted his head back and a flock of ducks, flying out from the reeds, crossed his field of vision—but apparently nothing was broken, or maybe just a rib or two. A real miracle. He wouldn’t say no to a bit of morphine, if offered.
He was covered in blood from his nose. He stood up with difficulty, gritting his teeth, and knelt by the water’s edge to rinse his face. The backs of his hands were swollen—he remembered covering his balls when he was on the ground, and a good thing, too. He wiggled his fingers for a moment in the cold water, then let himself drop onto his side, in an inch or two of fresh water.
He was a wreck and all his money was gone.
Dan had Advil in his glove compartment. And so Richard stopped wincing, stood up straight, leaning slightly against the fridge—his right knee hurt—and claimed that everything was fine, that it was nothing, that they’d examined him, a couple of bandages and a bag of frozen peas would do the trick, while Nath remained planted in front of him, eyes shining, arms wrapped tight around her as if she’d been seized by a fierce chill.
I’ve had worse, he argued. Just imagine if you were a boxer’s wife.
She shrugged in ill humor and went back to bed.
It had been a long time since she’d tried to fathom the how and why of Richard’s activities—his plans, his shady deals, his schemes—for not only did he refuse to talk about them, but he had no intention of making the situation better, of changing the slightest thing, and when she had understood this, when she’d become aware of the walls he’d built around himself, she realized that he had ripped out half her heart.
Yemen. Iraq. Afghanistan. The man the army had sent back to her was not the same one she’d first met. Everyone here knew how these things ended up, but no one wanted to believe it until a son or husband or father returned from there with a screw loose and raised hell and spent the day lying about on the living room sofa watching TV and snarfing potato chips or lord knew what else. And then, they understood. The wicked sleight of hand. The women realized the trick that had been played on them. Nath had cried for an entire day when her heart had broken.
Yemen. Iraq. Afghanistan. Places you’d like to visit on holiday. Except that she and Mona had not taken a single holiday since Richard had left the army. With his frickin’ PTSD, his microscopic pension, and all the crap he had to take.
And that was the man who was going to come lie down beside her. With all his weight, all his superiority, all his ignorance. The man who was going to stick his finger in her, rub his dick against her ass. While she knew less and less about him, gave only the most cursory glance at his comings and goings—as if keeping an eye on an irascible, taciturn neighbor.
She heard him talking with Dan and Mona in the kitchen. If there was still one thing she loved about him, it was his voice—his voice was what was good in him, what remained of the love she’d once felt for that man. She lay with eyes open in the dark, barely breathing. She pulled the covers over her shoulders, as they’d shut off the heat at sunrise to save money. The bed was downright cold. She heard Dan leaving—in his own way, he was no better.
Mona walked him to the door while Richard lowered his pants with a grimace and covered his knee with the bag of frozen peas.
She caught Dan by his sleeve before he could step into the darkness.
Did you see that, do you see what it’s like, she asked.
Was it really such a hassle to have me living with you.
For a second he remained at a loss. You didn’t live with me, he finally answered. Where did you get that idea.
I won’t take this much longer, she went on. I have no intention of sticking around this madhouse.
He walked down the porch’s few steps and turned around. Mona, for fuck’s sake, he shouted. Ask me whatever you want, but not that.
Not what. What are you talking about.
He shook his head in desperation and headed to his car, zipping up his jacket almost to the eyeballs.
TICKETS
Dan knew a bit more than the others about Richard’s occupations, but he tried to stay on the sidelines, join in as little as possible. It wasn’t so easy with Richard, who couldn’t always control his bitterness when Dan weaseled out, but they’d known each other for so long and had been through so much together that Richard let him be—congratulating him on his preference for the straight and narrow with an evil smile.
They had talked about it a lot after their homecoming, during their two months of convalescence, and let’s just say they hadn’t managed to agree on the best way to return to civilian life. Nowadays they agreed to disagree.
But the fact that on one harrowing, terror-stricken night they’d sworn to look out for one another, sworn that whoever survived would bury the other with his own hands and plant flowers on his grave—that still remained.
It was no joke. It was an unshakable resolution, on which they could rely with no hesitation; an absolute confidence that bolstered them, even in the midst of crisis, the depths of despair.
Dan moved closer to the flames that were rising again now that the lamb had been roasted and taken off the spit. The local news had mentioned the loss of a half-dozen dazed beasts that had crossed the road and wandered into the dark. The guys had cornered the animal not far from the overturned cattle hauler and slaughtered it against the electrified fence of the military base. It had taken three of them. The sheep had been stored overnight in one of their garages, just long enough for them to spread the word, send out invitations, and the others had brought beer and cut up the meat. Cars were parked around the area, not far from the road that ran like a fault through countryside as bald as the moon.
With bright enough lights you could get up some speed, be a bit of a cowboy. They listened to old Guns N’ Roses on a crappy sound system, but they listened hard and bopped their heads, jumped up and down in place and wailed along with Axl Rose around the crackling campfire.
Soldiers on leave for the most part, new recruits just back from combat zones; you could feel how tense they still were, trying anything to empty their brains as fast as possible.
Marlene was thrilled: she loved lamb. Her cheeks were red and she wasn’t the only one with a r
osy complexion, as the temperature had dropped quickly after sunset.
Incandescent sparks swarmed in the cold air when one of the guys gave a log a solid kick.
I’d like to know where they buy their meat, she said.
He stared at her for a few seconds—flames danced on the lenses of her glasses. Marlene, he said, they didn’t buy it.
She opened her mouth, then thought better of it and said nothing.
His gaze met Nath’s, not far away, who was staring at them with her mind seemingly elsewhere. Which seemed to be her normal state for the past two or three days, in other words since Richard had come home all bashed up. Still, it wasn’t the first time something like this happened—one look at their medicine chest told the tale, with most of the shelves taken up by bandages and painkillers. Richard was never the last one to throw a punch and Nath didn’t make a fuss, just reminded him about the first aid kit and the bottle of cheap whiskey that she set on the table without a word, wearily, and the next morning she’d already forgotten about it.
But this time was different. Dan knew her well enough.
Something was eating at her. And no doubt a whole load of somethings, if you put yourself in her shoes, if you added up all the irritations she had to face these days.
Richard had insisted she go with them or she wouldn’t have come; this meant nothing to her.
But Richard had been chatting with some pals for a while now and she was clearly getting fed up.
Dan walked by her on his way to a beer.
Listen, she said to him. There’s something I have to tell you. Now that we’re alone for a second.
He looked at her and vaguely nodded. She appeared so bothered, so conflicted over what she wanted to say, without managing to get it out, that it seemed like a pressing need.
Go on, I’m listening, he encouraged, leaning into the cooler.
She was standing behind him, her lips pinched, ready to spill it all. Looking up, she noticed Marlene who had remained standing near the campfire, lit up like a Madonna, a blanket around her shoulders, and all of Nath’s drive vaporized in an instant. She lowered her head. Off to one side, a bunch of guys were revving their motorcycles. Dogs barked on the road.
So what is it, he said, pulling open the tab.
Oh, I don’t know, she answered with a sigh of exhaustion. I hope I’m wrong.
She sometimes had the impression that Dan understood her implicitly, that in this regard he was more perceptive than Richard, but here he evidently wasn’t following her at all. He looked like a deer in headlights.
She stared hard at him a moment, then declared that she’d had enough and wanted to go home. He didn’t try to hold her back. That, at least, he knew would be wasted effort. He preferred to save his energy for the almost inevitable day when Richard discovered that she had, so to speak, run a bit wild during his absence.
He went off into the shadows to piss quietly while watching Nath head to her car, and thought to himself she was going through a tough time, lots of upsets, and there was nothing he could do about it. He buttoned his fly. The music was still loud but he had left the first decibel-saturated circle, the shadows enveloped him, and his relative distance from the crowd and empty bladder offered him a little respite beneath the starry sky.
I was looking for you, my blanket caught fire, Marlene announced. I think I’m a jinx.
Dan lowered his gaze onto the blanket in question and, indeed, half the fringes were charred.
It could have been worse, she continued. I felt myself drifting away. But I’m okay. Sorry about your blanket.
This kind of thing only happens to me.
It happens all the time. I can’t tell you how many drunk guys I’ve seen stumble into the embers. Or how many I’ve seen set themselves on fire with just a candle.
She looked at him for a moment and shivered. What’s the matter with her, she asked.
He shrugged. Mmm, she claims she doesn’t know. She’s worried about being wrong. I’m just repeating what she told me.
If she fell down, Marlene said pensively, she would never tell us where it hurt. Her eyes would tear up, but she just gritted her teeth, that’s all. She hasn’t changed. She turns on the radio while we’re working so we don’t have to talk, can you imagine. Mom used to pull her hair out with her. It’s like I’m by myself—I spend my days with cats and dogs.
I almost got a dog, you know, he segued, a basenji, but when I heard it howl, I brought it right back. I told the guy he could keep the deposit. I certainly intend to, he said, but anyway, I get your point.
Across the street, some guys were playing at rodeo, dust flew about, and an odor of oil and burnt rubber slowly settled over everything. It was good to see them having fun, finally decompressing after aging ten years in a few weeks, and the girls cutting loose, thrilled to be with their boyfriends again. Enjoy it while you can, he said to himself.
I like your sense of humor, she said. Sometimes I don’t understand it right away.
Come off it, I don’t have any sense of humor. I lost all that. It’s like smiling, I still have trouble with it.
But it’s coming along, right.
These things always take a long time. It’s a lot to digest. I’m glad spring’s almost here, I’ll be able to putter in my garden. I can’t wait to trim my hedges.
It was two in the morning by the time he parked in front of her house.
At that moment, he said, I felt like my spirit had left my body and I was terrified. I could tell I wasn’t dead, but I wasn’t alive either. Not sure how to explain it. I thought I was going nuts. I didn’t lose my legs, like Ralph did, and I’m not comparing my suffering with his, but I’ve had a taste of it, Richard has had a taste of it, everyone here has had a taste of it one way or other. And good luck leaving it behind. Trust me, you’re not out of the woods yet. Have fun trying to get your life together.
Dan, I’ve watched you, you know, I’ve watched you going about living. I think that meeting people, going out, having some fun wouldn’t be such a bad thing for you. Teach me how to bowl, for instance. Let’s go to the movies, I don’t know, or for a walk. I’ll give you my arm, since you don’t have a girlfriend. I’m practically your sister-in-law. A guy walking alone always looks a bit dodgy.
Okay. We’ll see. We can sleep on it.
You don’t have to, you know.
If it was a drag, I’d say so. It’s not a drag at all. We can always go get a drink.
It would be good for me too. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating with Nath. I have to go out and accost someone in the street just to get a bit of conversation.
Listen, I’ve seen this before. I wouldn’t worry about it too much if I were you. It’ll get better after a while.
Suddenly he leaned toward the windshield and raised his eyes to the sky. It’s going to be nice tomorrow. We could go to the drive-in. They’re showing Lost Highway in the early evening. I never get tired of seeing it.
It’s been ages since I’ve gone. The man I was living with hated movies. He worked in a bank.
They’re all shitheads, those guys who work in banks.
My father was a banker. He died in 2007, just at the time of the crash. He’s rotting in hell as we speak. I never saw him think for one second about anyone but himself.
It never crossed his mind.
She rested a hand on his arm before getting out. Tell me, what do you mean by getting back to a normal life.
He blinked, tilted his head to one side. What do you think. It means just what it sounds like, doesn’t it.
She contented herself with a smile. His eyes followed her as she crossed the headlights walking around the car. She was still smiling. Before going inside, Marlene turned back to him.
I’ll get the tickets, she said.
He remained motionless a few seconds while she disappeared. At
that hour, the town was dead, the lively neighborhoods deserted, the curtains drawn, and he drove home without paying attention. He couldn’t believe he’d suggested that idiotic idea, and wondered what had come over him. He washed his hands thoroughly when he got back, then took a long shower and sat for a moment on his bed, clock in hand, hesitating to set the alarm.
He was already thinking that they’d have to arrive early to grab a spot near the exit.
He took his pills and lay down. In the end, he didn’t set the alarm, hoping to sleep in a little by skipping his exercise routine. Despite the darkness in the room, there was a ray of moonlight filtering above the shades, and the more he stared at it, the brighter it grew. He felt a thudding in his temples. At least he’d get to see Lost Highway again, and on a big screen. After all, it was easier than teaching her how to bowl. Less of a commitment. When she had touched his arm, he’d nearly jumped.
TIES
Richard finagled a reprieve on paying off the Alfa and that same day, he had the eighty-inch-wide screen that they’d talked about installed in the living room.
Money didn’t grow on trees. When he called the guy to talk about the problem and asked if he couldn’t see his way clear to working it out, the man had snorted on the other end of the line. Then Richard had swallowed his pride and asked again. And how do you expect to pay me, the other had snickered. By sucking me off, or cleaning my pool for the next twenty years. What do you take me for, an idiot.
Richard couldn’t tell Nath that he’d emptied out her bank account and then had the money stolen from him. Impossible. Never. There were limits, a line you didn’t cross. Getting yourself ripped off like some rookie clown, taking out a wad of cash to score some speed.
How could he have been so dim-witted. He had choked with rage, banged his head against the wall, called himself every name in the book.
You still there, the other asked.
That evening, when Nath came home and found the new TV hanging in the living room, she couldn’t entirely hide a slight smile of satisfaction.
Marlene Page 5