by Kay Manis
“There’s more,” he said.
Oh, God. My body trembled at his words. He’d delivered the same sentence years ago just before telling me about the videos of me and Donald Lee Westbank. It seemed that my life would never end with a happily ever after.
“Sit back down,” he said.
I stared at him in disbelief, wrapping my arms around me for support.
“Please, Hindley,” he whispered.
I surveyed the three pairs of eyes locked on me. They were wide and filled with fear. For me. I sat back in the chair and tried, as best I could, to prepare myself for the worst.
“What is it, Paul?” I asked quietly, not really sure if I wanted to know.
He glanced at my mother and she nodded.
Shit.
“It’s about your tapes,” Paul said flatly.
I swallowed hard. “What tapes?” I asked, praying he wasn’t talking about the tapes no one except me and the Dallas police detectives had seen.
Paul stared at my mother as if she held the answer.
“Paul,” I repeated. “What tapes?”
He cleared his throat. “The tapes from your apartment.”
My heart beat wildly in my chest, a sharp buzzing noise ringing in my ears. I steadied my breath, willing my heartbeat to slow. “The tapes of me showering and dressing and sleeping?” I asked. I prayed he didn’t know about the other videos, but something inside me warned me.
He stared at me for a long moment before his head fell.
How had they found them? Had Rory told them? Why would he do that? Questions flew through my head. Any hope I’d had of Rory and me reconciling suddenly evaporated into thin air.
Dana came and knelt at my feet, placing a reassuring hand on my knee.
I stared straight at Paul whose head was still bent. “What videos, Paul?” I asked again.
He lifted his head and stared straight at me, his eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed. “No, sweetheart. Not those.”
I wrapped my arms around my waist and fought for breath. All my worst fears had come true. The three people I loved most in the world knew that Donald Lee Westbank had raped me. I just prayed none of them had seen the tapes.
My mother choked out a sob, bending over and burying her face in her hands.
Paul’s eyes brimmed with tears and his chin quivered. He stared at me with such fatherly love and concern that it nearly broke my heart.
“Why didn’t you tell us, Hindley?” Dana asked.
I stared down at her, still not comprehending what they were telling me.
Tears streamed down her cheeks, her face flushed red. “Why didn’t you tell us what that bastard had done to you?”
“I couldn’t,” I whispered. Tears warmed my cheeks. “I just…couldn’t.”
My mother surged toward me and took me in her arms.
Suddenly, I realized how much I needed her.
“Oh, darling,” she cried. “I’m so sorry, so very, very sorry,” she stuttered, her hands roaming up and down my back. “You’ve dealt with this all these years, all alone and we…”
“There’s more, Hindley.” Paul’s voice broke through the room.
My blood ran ice cold, chilling me to the bone.
My mother scooted me over and sat beside me, her arm still clutched around my waist.
I stared at Paul, bracing myself for what was about to come next. As if knowing I’d need more strength, Dana clutched my leg, resting her cheek on my leg.
I squeezed my mother’s hand. “What is it?” I asked quietly.
He walked to the coffee table directly across from me and sat down. He rested his elbows on his legs, his head falling into his hands.
Bile rose in my throat, choking me. I couldn’t take much more.
“Tell me, Paul!”
He lifted his head, his eyes hollowed and dark as he held my gaze. “The tapes got out.” His words were like knives to my soul.
My body felt like I’d been electrocuted, hit with a thousand volts of electricity. I shook uncontrollably, unable to breathe. This must be exactly what a fish out of water felt like when faced with its own impending death.
“What do you mean, got out?” I asked, pain coursing through my body.
“Someone found the tapes and they’ve published them,” he said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.
“Published them where?” I shook my head, not understanding. “What do you mean?”
“They’re on the Internet, Hindley,” he said.
The Internet?
I gasped, slapping my hand over my mouth. “No,” I choked out, shaking my head.
My mind raced through all kinds of scenarios. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as they suspected. Maybe it was only on a few sites. Maybe we could have the websites taken down.
Paul remained stoic but I saw the anguish in his face. There was more.
“What else, Paul?”
My mother clutched me, squeezing me so hard I could barely breathe as she worked to silence her own sobs.
“Someone’s taken the videos and spliced them together,” he said.
I glanced around at everyone. “I don’t understand.”
Tears streamed down Paul’s face and he reached for me.
Dana’s muffled sobs echoed beside me.
I was going to be sick.
Paul wiped at his face with his palms. “They’ve taken the videos and reworked them, dubbing in music and sounds.”
“And?” I still wasn’t comprehending what he was saying. My mind was racing, trying to piece together what was going on.
Paul clenched and unclenched his jaw several times. “They’ve made it look like a porno movie, Hindley.”
The room began to spin and my stomach lurched in protest. I slammed my eyes shut, trying to stave off vomiting. “I have to get up.” I tugged myself free of my mother and Dana’s death grip.
Reluctantly they released me.
I bolted down the hallway, slamming the bathroom door behind me, locking it for some unconscious reason. I sunk down to my knees in front of the toilet, expelling everything inside me. After several minutes of dry heaving, I sat back on my heels, wiping my mouth, trying to catch my breath.
I wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to run, but I was paralyzed, glued to the floor. What was I going to do? The videos were on public display, available twenty-four seven to the entire world via the Internet. Not only that, but now someone had made me look like I was a willing participant.
Images of the disgusting videos ran through my mind.
Me, lying on the bed without pants on, my shirt pushed up to expose my naked breasts as he pumped into me over and over.
Me, face down on the sofa, completely naked as he covered my body with his own, grinding into my backside.
Me, on the floor of my living room, semi-conscious as his penis rubbed over my face, my neck, my breasts.
Oh, God.
I crawled back to the toilet and heaved more, nothing coming.
Everyone in the world was going to see the sordid images of me and Donald Lee Westbank. My heart beat so hard I feared I may actually have a heart attack right here on the bathroom floor.
I slumped back against the wall, trying to collect my thoughts. I needed a game plan, an attack, a way out of this hell I was in.
“Hindley,” my mom called through the door.
I stood, grabbing the edge of the sink for stability, and stared at the image in the mirror.
Well, well, well, who do we have here?
I recognized the voice in my head. Rory wasn’t the only one with a dark side.
If it isn’t little miss perfect. Long time no see, Hinny Bin.
My image morphed into a person I rarely saw anymore. Her skin was paler, her eyes darker. To most we were one in the same. But I knew the difference.
This was the persona I’d created to protect myself during the darkest times of my life.
This was dark Hindley.
The girl who would take care
of me when I was too weak.
I knew better than to let her take control anymore but today I couldn’t fight her. I needed her. My world was spinning out of control and she was the only person who could save me now.
I told you you couldn’t keep ignoring me forever without something bad happening. I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.
“No,” I whispered, trying to fight her off.
“Hindley, open the door,” my mother begged.
You don’t really think they give a shit about you, do you? All they care about is their own image. Caroline Hagen-Barton, mother of a porn star? Please. No one cares about you. Only I do. I’m the only one who can protect you. Don’t you trust me anymore?
I stared at dark Hindley, trying to break the spell she’d cast over me. I was weak though. My need to escape everything was stronger than ever.
I gazed down at a large candle encased in a glass container sitting on the vanity.
Pick it up. Go ahead.
I lifted the candle and stared at it for several seconds. “Go away,” I shouted before squeezing my eyes shut and hurling the candle at my reflection.
“Hindley,” my mother screamed.
My arm burned with pain. I opened my eyes and followed the warm trail of blood. A large piece of mirror was lodged in my forearm.
The throbbing ache in my arm reminded me that emotional pain could always be masked with physical pain. Like it always had been in the past.
Doesn’t it feel good, Hindley? Doesn’t the pain feel so intense and intoxicating? Don’t you miss it?
I nodded.
Forget everything except the pain.
“Okay,” I whispered.
I won’t ever leave you. I’ll never hurt you. I’ll always be here. And you know it’s only a matter of time before I take complete control.
I shook my head. “No,” I whispered, pulling the piece of glass free. The blood trickled down to my fingertips. “You’ll never take over again.”
“Hindley!” Paul banged on the door.
I held the shiny piece of mirror in my hand, stained crimson with my blood, observing it as if it were a foreign object. But it was familiar, so familiar, and so welcomed. I pressed the sharp edge against the skin of my arm, pushing it in just enough to leave an indentation, but not enough to break the skin.
Push harder. It will feel so good. I promise you’ll forget all your troubles, all your worries, all your fears, just like before. Maybe forever this time.
Suddenly the image of millions of people sitting in front of their computer screens watching that video of me and Donald Lee Westbank rolled through my mind. People thinking I was a willing participant as he raped me repeatedly.
Rory’s face appeared. Him, sitting in front of his laptop, watching me, loathing me, hating me. He’d never want to be with a girl like me once he saw those tapes.
I drew in a deep breath and pushed the shard through the protective barrier of my skin. The emotional agony fled as the familiar pain enveloped me.
Warm, soothing blood trickled down my arm and dripped off my fingertips into a pool of crimson, staining the snowy white countertop.
Doesn’t it feel good?
It did, better than it ever had before, better than I’d remembered.
I told you, Hindley. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.
I pushed harder, dragging the shard of glass down my arm when images of Donald raping me filled my mind.
“No,” I said. Only this time I wasn’t talking to dark Hindley. “No more.”
That a girl, Hindley. Deeper. Harder.
I pressed harder, the pain intensifying as I ran more trails down my arm.
Forever.
Finally the pain subsided, my vision growing darker.
No more Donald Lee Westbank, no more videos, no more Geneva, no more Rory, no more anything.
I slashed my arm over and over. The blood wrapped around me like a protective blanket, keeping me safe. The physical pain quickly eclipsed the emotional as my body floated higher.
You’re almost there, Hindley, just a little closer. Forever. All your worries and your fears will be gone. Forever.
The door crashed open. Screaming echoed through the room but I barely heard it as the lights faded and darkness closed in.
I smiled. Heaven had finally reached me. The pain of cutting was the only thing that had ever brought me real peace in my life, even if for a little while.
All thoughts and reason faded away into nothingness as the darkness consumed me.
Forever.
“Forever,” I repeated.
Chapter 38
-RORY-
“You gonna be okay, man?” Matt leaned over the arm of the plush seat on his private jet.
What could I say? Fuck no. The woman I love is in trouble, fighting for her life, and the last image she has of me is bare ass naked in a hotel room with her sister, thinking we’d just done the nasty.
Fuck no, I’m not okay, man. I may never be okay again.
“Yeah,” I finally answered with a heavy sigh.
“Hey, thanks for letting us use your plane,” Leif said.
Matt sat back in his seat. “It’s not mine, it’s the company’s.”
“Well, thanks anyway,” Leif said. “It’ll save us a ton of time.”
“It was a no brainer,” Matt said. “You guys need to get to Hindley as fast as possible.”
I stared at Matt Davis. I didn’t want to like him, but right now he was my savior for letting us use Sonora’s company jet to get back to Austin. I was in agony, being so far away from Hindley, knowing she was hurt and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
“Hey,” Leif said. “She’s going to be okay.”
“How do you know?” I was damn near tears.
“Dana said she came out of surgery and she’s going to be fine, just in a lot of pain.”
“What the fuck is a cutter anyway?” I asked. “Have either of you ever even heard of it before?”
“Yeah,” Matt answered. “I knew a girl in high school who was a cutter.”
“I can’t believe she would purposely hurt herself,” I mumbled to myself.
“Sometimes, the mental pain and anguish we endure gets to be too much and we have to find something else to make us forget, something that will ease our suffering,” Matt said. “For you, it was sex, drugs, and alcohol. For Hindley, it’s cutting.”
I shrugged, shaking my head. “How could I not have known this?”
“Dana said no one but her and Hindley’s parents have known about her cutting all these years,” Leif answered.
“Yeah, but I mean, I’ve seen every part of her body, and I’ve never once seen scars anywhere.”
“I don’t know, man. That’s just what Dana said.”
“What else did she say?” I was trying not to be pissed that Dana had called Leif instead of me. “What made Hindley go off the deep end like this? Something had to have happened.”
Leif’s eyes cut to Matt and they shared an unspoken thought.
“What is it?” I asked.
Leif drew in a deep breath, letting out a long sigh. “You know about the tapes, right?” he asked.
Tapes? What the fuck was he talking about? Hindley’s tapes? No way. No one knew about those.
“What tapes?” I asked, trying to play dumb. I wasn’t about to share Hindley’s secrets with anyone, no matter how much she was hurting. I’d betrayed her too much already.
“The videos that guy took of her in her apartment on hidden cameras when she was in college,” Leif said.
I wouldn’t confirm or deny my knowledge of Hindley’s secret. “What about them?” I tried to calm myself from wanting to choke Leif to find out what he knew.
“Well, apparently there were other videos that no one knew existed.” Leif’s eyes darted between Matt and me. “No one except Hindley.”
Oh, shit. Had those tapes gotten out?
“The guy apparently drugged Hindley, raped her, a
nd recorded all of it,” Leif said.
“That motherfucker.” I searched for a bag. I was going to be sick.
“Shit.” Matt sagged back in his chair.
“I know,” Leif said. “Did you know about them, Rory?”
“Yes.”
“Seriously?” Matt asked.
“Well, apparently you and the Dallas Police were the only ones who knew about them until sometime this week,” Leif said.
Then it hit me like a bat between the eyes. “Oh, fuck!” I jumped to my feet. “They’re out there, the videos. They’re out on the Internet, aren’t they?” I raked my hands viciously through my hair.
Leif dropped his head to his hands and nodded.
“What the fuck are we going to do now?” My heart raced and my palms broke out with sweat as I thought about Hindley discovering the videos out on the Internet, her sitting at home all alone with no one to console her because I’d been a complete douche. I knew her. She was strong, but she would never recover from this. Not alone. “What is taking this plane so goddamn long?” I paced the small cabin. “Can’t this motherfucker fly any faster!”
“It’s worse than that, Rory,” Leif said.
“What?” I shouted. “How the fuck could it get worse?”
He stared past me at nothing in particular.
“Just say it,” I demanded.
Leif took in a deep breath and turned to face me. “Someone took the footage, cut it up, and turned it into what looks a lot like a porno movie, including music and sounds.”
Oh. Fuck.
I collapsed into the seat and I covered my face with my hands, trying to block out all the images.
This was beyond bad. There were no words for how horrible this situation was.
I drew in deep breaths, trying to slow my breathing to keep from hyperventilating. “Who the fuck would do that?” I shouted. “Who in the fuck would do something so sick and perverted?”
“The police are investigating the leak,” Leif answered. “They may never find out though.”
“How did she find out?” My thoughts were reeling from the discovery. “Did she see the video out on the Internet? Please God, tell me no.”
“No,” Leif assured me. “Dana said Hindley’s parents came over to her condo earlier today and broke the news to her.”
I slammed the arm of the seat with my fist. “Damn it. I should have been there.”