by Raathi Chota
“You said we’d never bring it up. That day in the library behind the shelves, you promised that you wouldn’t touch me! You kept your promise, but you still gave me the pills. Why?” I asked. When he gave me the pills in the library, I waited for him to push me into the nearest room. He didn’t, but when he and Austin did a few weeks ago, I expected the worst. Thankfully they didn’t do anything but confess that they stole the two parcels.
“Look around, Willson. Things have changed. You’re not alone anymore, so naturally, I stopped. Look at me.” He pointed to his face. I gave him a vacant stare as he picked up the ice pack from the coffee table and put it against his cheek. We stared at each other for a few seconds until he sighed.
“Look, I’m sorry that I…I sexually assaulted you back in junior year. I was new to Illinois and mixed with the wrong crowds,” he whispered. “I can’t believe I did that to you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
“Why are you even here?” I ignored his apology. Parker let out a groan as he dropped the ice pack. I watched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small envelope. He slid the envelope across the coffee table, and I slammed my hands down to stop it. I raised a brow as I ripped the envelope open. My eyes widened as I recognized the tickets. I put them back in the envelope as I slowly stood up. I forced the envelope in my back pocket as Parker watched me. “I-I’ll get your money,” I whispered. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him jump up and walk toward me.
“N-No, that won’t be necessary,” he said, then placed his hand on my arm. I stared at it, and he dropped his hand. “It’s on the house. Since this will probably be the last that we’re doing business together.”
I gave a curt nod as I returned to my seat. The guys entered the living room. I watched as Levi stood right in front of Parker while Blake leaned against the wall. Axel leaned against the doorframe as Ethan and Carter sat on the sofa opposite me.
“You’re a sick asshole, you know that?” Levi spat. Parker threw his hands up in surrender and motioned to me.
“I apologized.”
“And you forgave him?” Blake demanded as he glared at me. Everyone stared at me as they waited. I looked down and slowly shook my head because I’d never forgive Parker Collins. He sexually assaulted me once, and the rest was harassment, but still, I’d never forgive such a selfish monster.
“Aidan was right. You’re a fucking perverted freak,” Carter hissed.
“On the bright side, it was stand up missionary. Hence why before class,” Parker mentioned as I dug my nails into the couch.
“Get the fuck out, or else I’ll rip your fucking face off and feed it to big-ass Scruffy!” Blake yelled as he pushed himself off the wall.
“What’s a Scruffy?” Parker asked, and Axel raised his hand.
“My dog,” he answered with a flashy smile. Parker threw his hands up in innocence as he strolled to the door. He stopped right in front of Blake and took something out of his pocket. Parker held out a box of Marlboro cigarettes for Blake to take.
“Take this as a sort of peace offering. No hard feelings?” he asked as I rolled my eyes. Blake didn’t move as he stared at Parker with an emotionless look. Parker let out a sigh as he slipped the box into Blake’s pocket. He took his index finger and placed it on Blake’s cheek. “If it makes you feel any better, Gunner, I’m not the one who stole her virginity.”
I suddenly snapped as I pushed myself off the armchair and stood onto the coffee table. When Parker spun around, I jumped on him. We fell to the ground, and I took off my glasses and tossed them aside.
“Fuck you!” I screamed as I punched him. My right fist connected with his face as my left wrapped around his neck. “I hate you!”
“Lana, stop!” Carter yelled as he tried to pull me away from Parker. My grip suddenly tightened on his neck as I continued to yell out what a sick person he was and how he ruined me. Levi was opposite me as he tried to release my grip off Parker. Axel and Carter tried to pull me off as Parker and Levi sought to remove my hands from his neck.
“Lana, let go!”
His Adam’s apple hit against my palm as he struggled to breathe. I immediately removed my hands as I stared at him. His heavy breaths filled the room as I watched his chest rise while he puffed. Ethan crouched down as I looked at him. A horrified expression filled his face as I stared into his brown eyes. He raised his hands while I breathed heavily.
“This isn’t you. Beating him up won’t change anything,” Ethan whispered as Carter and Axel hooked their arms with my own. They pulled me off Parker, but I stayed on the floor as I leaned on my knees. We watched as Parker slowly stood up and touched his neck.
“Get the fuck out,” Blake muttered as he shoved Parker’s beanie in his chest. I watched as Blake pushed him out of the house, then slammed the door shut. I picked up my glasses and sat on the armchair. A stone hard look filled my face as I stared at Levi. His jaw clenched as he tried to avoid eye contact. No one spoke, which made the atmosphere tense. Levi let out a sigh as he straightened his posture. He looked me with weary eyes as he played with the ring on his index finger.
“Look, uh, I’m sorry, princess. We didn’t know. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone,” Levi mumbled as I leaned forward in my seat.
“Yeah…fuck you for leaving me when I needed you the most!” I screamed as I blinked away the tears. “You didn’t think twice, yet you all fucking assumed.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve all been through shit, Lana,” he stated. I didn’t know what to say, so I glanced at Blake, who reached for Levi’s lighter. I watched as he took it from the coffee table and put a cigarette between his lips.
“What we experience triggers change,” Blake said as he exhaled.
“Yet you still bought from Parker after he did those things to you. Why?” Ethan asked as I stared at the ground. Well, let me think… I got involved with a drug dealer. Killed someone, then buried him. Had nightmares of him haunting me, then found out that the drug dealer knew that I killed the guy. Then found out he’s not in the place that we buried him.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I need a beer.” Axel sighed as he stood up. Ethan and Carter trailed behind as they walked to the kitchen.
“Lana, I get that you want to get into Yale, but not like this. Something tells me you’re not doing this for yourself. You don’t want to disappoint your parents because you’ve always been their little girl,” Blake said. “Stop doing this to please others. Do what is right and what you want. This is your life. Don’t fuck it up. Just bring out the side that no ever sees. You’re too afraid to, because you’ll be judged. Just like me.”
“We let our appearances get the best of us,” Levi said as he lit a cigarette.
“Yep. The bad boy and the nerd.” Blake chuckled as he shook his head.
“In the end, we’re all human trying to live in this brainwashed society,” I croaked out. Yet I shook my head as the lump in my throat grew. The sudden urge to cry got stronger as I attempted to speak. “I-I don’t know who I am anymore. I-I don’t know what to…what to do anymore. The sudden feeling to live and carry on with life is grim. Especially since your demons always follow you.” Blake and Levi stared at me as I let out a pathetic laugh. “I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore. I’m not sure if I’ll get into Ya—”
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” Levi cut me off as he dumped his cigarette in his ashtray. I squinted my eyes as Levi’s jaw clenched and he shook his head. I noticed Blake didn’t speak; he just kept his head low and let the ash fall into the ashtray that Levi had. “You’re letting Benny fucking Nielson get in the way of your dream school. Just because you’re dating now,” Levi said as I stood up.
“Stop blaming him for everything!” I demanded as I walked past him. Levi stood up and threw his arms up in frustration.
“Angie said you applied to schools in Illinois and dodged Yale. The only reason would be him, right?” Levi stated as I spun around and glared at
him.
“No! Just fucking stop!” I shouted, which echoed through the house. “It’s not him, it’s me! I don’t even know if I’m right for that school. Fuck, I don’t even know what I want to become anymore!”
After I said that, the house fell into a profound silence. Obviously, Axel, Carter, and Ethan heard from the kitchen. Over Levi’s shoulder, I saw Blake stare at me with a concerned look. I turned back to Levi to see a frown spread across his face. Levi opened his mouth, but nothing came out. I slowly shook my head and walked upstairs to my room. I slammed the door, then walked to my desk. I opened the drawer and took out Blake’s pack of cigarettes. I took one out along with the lighter that Keene left for me. I sat against the wall as I put the cigarette between my lips. The house was quiet; if someone dropped a pin, I’d probably hear it. I raised my head and noticed myself in the full-length mirror. I looked ruined.
I took off my glasses and threw them on my bed. Even though the mirror was across the room, I knew what I looked like. The stitches on the chin, hair looked dead as ever, dark, miserable blue eyes, and the cigarette. I hated myself. I always fucked up. Everything that had happened to everyone I cared for was my fault. I wish things were back to when it was Levi and I when we were kids. Then, Uncle Griff babysat us, and we’d have a fantastic time. Or when I first met Miranda in the girls’ restroom and she thought I was intriguing. Even the time when Benny and I were dance partners. He was so nervous that day and kept stepping on my feet.
I looked at myself again at the blurry image in the mirror. The smoke came out of the cigarette and disappeared into the air as I took a drag. I clenched my knuckles as the thought of Parker entered my mind. I hated him. I’d never hated someone so much as almost to choke them. I pinched the cigarette with my index finger and thumb then threw it toward the mirror. I watched as the cigarette hit the glass and the ashes fell to the ground. Then the cigarette fell to the ground. I looked down at my hands and realized they trembled. These hands had done some terrible things. They’d been used to kill, take pills, smoke, and almost choke someone.
I balled my fists then sat up. I walked to the bathroom and took out a pair of contact lenses. I stared at myself in the mirror as I slowly put them on. Last time I wore contacts was when we made a bet. However, appearances didn’t matter anymore. As Blake said, I should show the side that I was too afraid to show, whatever that was because I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I took the envelope out of my pocket and placed it in my drawer. I grabbed the air freshener from the bathroom and sprayed my bedroom, then grabbed my coat. I walked downstairs to see the guys in the living room either smoking or on their phones. I walked right past them as I approached the door. I grabbed Mom’s car keys then walked out into the cold weather.
***
I walked toward the brightly decorated Christmas house and took in the atmosphere. Wow. My own boyfriend’s house decorations were better than mine. We decorated, but it’s not as good as the Nielsons’. I nervously knocked on the door and waited. The door whipped open, and Benny’s mom stood in front of me with a bright smile on her face.
“Lana, hi!” she said, then motioned for me to come in. I gave a kind smile as I stepped out of the cold and into the warm house. She wore a red jersey, blue jeans, Ugg boots, and an apron. I followed her into the kitchen and looked around for Benny.
“Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Nielson. I just wanted to know if Be—”
“Oh, it’s no problem, Lana. I enjoy some female company. It’s not easy living with three men.” She chuckled and walked to the oven. I awkwardly stood by the door and watched her cover something up, then put it in the oven. Once it was in, she clasped her hands together then turned to me. “Sit down, honey.” She pointed to the chair by the island. “Here, taste this.”
She held up a spoon of what seemed to be a particular dessert. I found it weird that Benny’s mom spoon-fed me something.
“Mm,” I said as my eyes widened. “This is really good.”
“Homemade pudding.” She smiled as she dished me a bowl.
“Thank you.” I smiled. I ate in silence as Mrs. Nielson wiped the counters.
“You know, Lana, I’m glad that Benny has someone like you. I’m not just saying that because you two are dating but…” She trailed off as I looked at her. “When Benny was young, he barely socialized with people. He only had Nick and Liam. He was very quiet growing up. Yet he used to come home and tell me all about his day.” She laughed as I smiled. “I told him to write letters since he was so quiet. I don’t know if that was a good idea because after he got into the routine to write a letter once a month, he kind of became distant.” She stared at the ground and let out a sigh, then continued. “Then high school started, and he became accepted but still stuck to his little group of friends. I wonder if he still writes after all these years.”
“Why are you telling me this, Mrs. Nielson?” I asked after a while.
“You make my boy happy again. Sam even gets jealous of Benny talking about you,” she said, and I felt my cheeks warm up. “Well, I suppose you want to see him now.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Nielson,” I said, then walked out of the kitchen. I knocked on the door, then slowly opened it. When I peeked through, Benny’s back faced me as he sat by his desk.
“I already tasted your pudding, Mom, and it’s lovely,” he said as I tiptoed toward him.
“Guess who?” I asked in a deep voice and cupped my hands over his eyes. His hands instantly touched mine as he felt them.
“Hmm, it can’t be Sam because he isn’t here…Liam?” he jokingly asked as he stood up. Benny quickly spun around and engulfed me in a hug. I laughed as his arms wrapped around my waist while he picked me up. We fell onto his bed as we chuckled. He hovered over me as I stared into his brown eyes. A smile spread across his face as he put a lock of hair behind my ear. “What brings you here, gorgeous?”
“I missed you,” I whispered as I stroked his cheek and took in his facial features. “Remember when you came to my house and said that long thing about me being a fragile piece of glass that you kept breaking but you’re willing to put the pieces back together?”
“Yeah.” He raised a brow.
“Quite cheesy, Nielson.”
“Well, it’s true.” He laughed. “How am I doing so far?”
“I don’t know…the cracks still show.”
“The cracks will always show, but it proves that you’re strong and that we don’t heal overnight,” he whispered. Benny kissed my forehead as I smiled at him. He stared at me then raised a brow. “You’re not wearing your glasses.”
“Yeah, I was too lazy to put them on.”
“I think it takes longer to put on contacts than to put on your glasses.” Benny laughed. “Either that or you didn’t want them to get in the way.”
“Get in the way of what?” I asked.
“Of me doing this,” he mumbled, then kissed me. I locked my arms around his neck as I smiled. He rested between my legs as his hands traveled down my body. My arms went around his torso as I brought him closer. He kissed down my neck as I ran my fingers through his hair. I wrapped my legs around his torso, and he flipped us so I was on top. I brushed against him, and he moaned. I cupped his cheeks as I deepened the kiss. I felt his hands go inside my back pockets and he squeezed my ass.
Just then, Benny’s phone went off. I straddled him and watched as he took his phone. “Hello.” His eyes locked with mine as he gave me the phone. “It’s for you.”
“Hello.” I raised a brow.
“Lana! I’ve been calling your phone for the past five minutes. I figured you’d be with Benny,” Melissa said as I watched Benny.
“Yeah,” I mumbled as Benny sat up. His one arm wrapped around my torso as he held me up. He buried his face in my neck as he left sloppy kisses on them.
“We’re having a girls’ night at Miranda’s house. I’ve called Tiffany, and she’ll be coming too,” she said as I sucked in a breath.
&nb
sp; “Uh—okay. I-I’ll be there…soon.” I sighed as Benny pecked my skin. Melissa ended the call, and I threw the phone on the other side of the bed. Benny wrapped both arms around me as he continued to kiss me. “I need to go. I promised a girls’ night before Christmas.” I moaned as he nibbled on my collarbone. Benny let out a sigh as I got off the bed. I straightened my clothing then turned to my boyfriend. I put my arms around his neck then pecked his lips. “I’ll see you soon.”
***
The whole night, we talked about hot actors and complete nonsense. I borrowed Miranda’s clothes since I didn’t want to drive back home. I noticed the guys gave me space since I hadn’t heard from any of them.
“Where’s your mom?” Tiffany asked Miranda.
“Oh, she’s at a friend’s thingy.” Miranda shrugged her shoulders.
“Hey, hey, is it true that Carter and them are hogging your house?” Tiffany snickered.
“Yeah, like they’re freaking attached to the living room,” I scoffed.
“How are they?” Miranda suddenly asked as she turned the volume down of the TV.
“Err…they’re all right,” I mumbled, yet Melissa and Miranda didn’t seem convinced as I sighed. “I’m not on good terms with them. Levi keeps blaming Benny for everything.”
“Because he knows he can’t control you anymore. That you have someone else that they don’t like,” Miranda said.
“What do you mean by them?” I asked.
“Levi and Blake. You can see on their faces that they hate Benny but won’t do anything…not yet.”
“What does this have to do with Blake?”
“Oh my god, girl,” Melissa said as she looked at Miranda and me.
“They’re selfish and think they can get anything they want. Levi’s a dick, Lana. He’ll just keep on ruining you and make you feel like shit.” Miranda raised her voice.
“No, he’s not!” I snapped. “Deep down he still feels guilty and ruined. He’s a cocky bastard, but he cares. I know he does.”