“I never thought you did,” I replied. “But I hoped you might point me in the right direction. There has to be some way out of here.”
“You know, most people don’t want to leave Heaven,” Zach said. “It’s kind of a final destination.”
“I’m not most people. Not anymore. I hate it here.”
“No you don’t, you hate being without Xavier,” Zach corrected. “But he’ll end up here too one day.”
“I don’t want to see Xavier again as a spirit,” I said. “I want to have a life with him … on earth.”
“Well, there’s only one way to do that,” Zach said simply. “You’d have to lose your divinity.”
“Lose it?” I repeated. “You mean give it up?”
“Yes,” Zach said. “Everything that makes you an angel will have to go. If you want to live like a human, you have to become human.”
“And how exactly do I lose my divinity?” I asked cautiously.
“There’s only one way I know of. And you’re not going to like it,” Zach said gravely. “You have to tear out your wings.”
My mind immediately thought back to Gabriel and how his ruined wings had brought out the human nature in him. But his wings had not been completely severed; Raphael had turned up and stopped the devils from completing their work. But I’d known it was extremely painful and caused great damage to my brother. It was like asking humans to cut off their own legs.
“Isn’t there another option?” I asked. “Anything?”
“There might be,” Zach rebuffed. “But I don’t know what it is.”
“Couldn’t I run away?”
“Didn’t you already try that?” He tutted. “It didn’t work out well. You can’t run from Heaven.”
“I was doing a pretty good job,” I said stoutly. “We were fighting the Sevens and we were winning. I’m only here because they played dirty.”
“Yes, the little girl,” Zach mused. “They broke a lot of rules getting her involved.”
“They broke a lot of rules showing up in front of a room full of college kids,” I said hotly, aggravated by the memory. “They killed our friend, Spencer!”
“I know,” Zach murmured. “And I’m sorry. They were not authorized to do that.”
“Can’t we report them or something?”
“You would need to tell someone who could pass the message on to Our Father. And he’s busy these days. People are losing faith, the world is falling into the wrong hands.” He looked at me intently. “Are you sure you want to go back?”
“Yes,” I said emphatically. “I’d rather live in an imperfect world with Xavier than spend an eternity here alone.”
“It’s your call. But you should think about it carefully. The decision is irreversible.”
“Have you considered the other possibility?” Emily interjected. “I know you’re trying to get back to Xavier … but have you thought that maybe he could come to you?”
“Excuse me?” I turned on her. “Are you implying what I think you’re implying?”
“He’s going to end up here anyway,” she muttered.
“Xavier is nineteen,” I said angrily. “He’s got a whole life ahead of him.”
“It’s no use to him without you,” Emily said. “The two of you are so codependent that one can’t survive without the other.”
“How would you know?” I snapped.
“I’ve got cable,” she replied tartly. “I can see what goes on in the lives of the people I left behind.”
“So you’ve been spying on us?”
“It’s not spying, it’s just observing.”
“Yeah, well, it’s creepy, so cut it out.”
“Ladies…” Zach said calmly. “This isn’t helping. And Bethany, Emily is right. Either you find some way to get back to Xavier or he’ll find a way to get to you. It’s only a matter of time.”
“Do you really think he’d do something like that?” I asked.
Zach looked at me carefully. “Wouldn’t you?”
“That’s different!” I burst out.
“No, it isn’t. Whatever you’d be willing to do, you can bet Xavier would do the same.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “So you’re saying I better get back quickly … before Xavier finds some way to die?”
“Yes,” Zach replied. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
I didn’t think there was anything left that could throw me, but this had come as a surprise. I’d been so caught up in my own depressive spiral I hadn’t even considered that Xavier might be feeling the same thing. Of course he’d be trying to find a way to get back to me—it wasn’t like him to sit on his thumbs and do nothing. He had been to Hell and back, why would he think Heaven was beyond reach? So now not only did I have to lose my divinity, but I had a time limit and I had to act fast.
“Wait,” I said. “Surely Gabriel and Ivy will keep him safe.”
“They can’t watch him twenty-four hours a day,” Zach replied. “And you of all people should know, if someone wants something badly enough, they’ll find a way to get it.”
Emily watched my forehead crumple as I tried to wrap my head around this new information. “Relax,” she said, rolling her eyes. “We’ve still got time. Dang, I was never such a drama queen.”
“Be quiet,” I replied. “I’m sure you had issues of your own.”
“Okay.” Zach held up his hands. “Time out, both of you.”
I turned my back on Emily and tried to compose myself. Arguing with her wasn’t going to get us anywhere. We needed to work together here.
“Tell me what I need to do,” I said to Zach. “Just tell me and I’ll do it.”
“You need to find Joseph,” Zach replied. “He can help.”
He looked down as a young child came and tugged at his sleeve, trying to draw him back into the circle. All the children were waiting expectantly.
“I have to go,” Zach said.
“Wait!” I cried. “Who’s Joseph? And how do I find him, whoever he is?”
“You don’t,” Zach said. “He’ll find you. I’ll let him know you’re looking.”
“Has he…” I hesitated. “Has he tried this before … sending one of us back?”
“Yes.”
“And succeeded?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” I repeated in exasperation. “Come on!”
“Sorry, Beth, I don’t have any figures for you. All I know is that it’s risky.”
Zach averted his eyes and fell silent. There was a part of me that wanted to end the conversation then and there. The last thing I needed was some wild plan that could backfire at any minute. But I had no choice. It wasn’t self-preservation that concerned me; I had one chance here, and if I blew it, I would never see Xavier again.
“So there’s no other way?” I asked weakly.
“Not that I know of.”
“Couldn’t I just run away?”
“Beth, you can’t jailbreak Heaven,” Zach said. “And even if you somehow managed to get away, where would you go? You did a lot of running on earth and it got you nowhere.
“He’s the one who’s been around since the beginning,” Zach called out as he allowed the children to take his hands and pull him back toward them.
“Since the beginning of what?” I was growing frustrated.
“Since the Word was made flesh. Have they still got you in a holding cell?”
I nodded, conscious of our time running out.
“Get out as fast as you can,” he said in a low voice. “That place will screw with your head.” He took a step back, allowing the children to pull him in. “Good luck, Beth. I’ll pray for you.”
“Wait!” I cried. “You haven’t even told me who Joseph is.”
“He’s the leader of an underground group.”
“Zach!” I exclaimed. “This is not the time to be messing around.”
He was already leaving me, returning to the grassy banks, led by his wide-eyed companion
s.
“It’s no joke,” he called out. “They call themselves the Society of Dark Angels. There are more of them than you think.” He held up a hand in farewell. “Remember, there’s a lot that goes on up here that doesn’t meet the eye.”
And then he was gone.
31
Dark Angel
I didn’t want to hear anymore. I felt my knees begin to tremble and my hands slicken with sweat. Any act of self-violation was an act against creation. It went against everything we were meant to believe in. It was true that humans could turn to self-destructive behavior when things overcame them—drinking to excess or losing themselves in the stupor of drugs. But they were imperfect, they were meant to stumble. Forgiveness was their prerogative. It was different for angels; we were meant to be infallible. There would be no turning back from the road Zach had suggested.
My mind flashed back to Gabriel in the basement of the house in Oxford. I remembered how his ruined wings had changed him, brought out the human qualities in him. Even though my head was spinning, I tried to keep my revulsion in check. I held onto the image of Xavier’s face in my mind and felt the fear shrink back, like a vampire exposed to sunlight.
Joseph. For a moment I saw the name take form and shimmer in the air before me like a jewel. Zach had said the name with such authority I almost instantly believed help was on the way. Then frustration took over and I let out an angry sigh. Who the heck was Joseph? Where was I supposed to find him? This was sounding more and more like a wild-goose chase. First I’d had to find Emily, who led me to Zach, and now he was trying to palm me off onto someone I’d never even heard of. I was no closer to getting what I wanted and with every second that passed, Xavier seemed further and further out of reach.
* * *
I walked away from the meadow without looking back. I still felt confused and angry but now there was another feeling thrown into the mix: hope. I’d learned three things I didn’t know before: It was possible for an angel to renounce his or her divinity, Zach knew someone who could help me do it, and I wasn’t the only one pissed off at the system. For the first time since my return, my chest felt lighter and I felt a hint of a smile.
“Well, that was a lot to take in,” Emily said, peering at me closely. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I replied. “Now I know I can find a way back to him … to Xavier, I mean.”
“You’re not seriously thinking of going through with it, are you?” She gawked at me. “Ripping out your own wings?”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“You don’t even know if you’ll survive it.”
“If I don’t, then at least I’ll have tired. Beats hanging around here waiting for a miracle.”
Emily grabbed my arm. “There’s no way Xavier would want you to do something like this.”
“Then it’s lucky he’s not here to try and change my mind.”
“Why are you not freaked out?” Emily demanded.
“You don’t know where I’ve been,” I told her. “I’ve seen things darker than your wildest nightmare and none of them are more frightening than the idea of living without him.”
“Wow.” Emily looked pensive. “You really love him, huh?”
“I do.”
“Y’know, there were times I thought you were selfish, getting so close to him when you knew you’d have to leave one day. But you never planned to leave, did you?”
“No,” I said softly. “From the day I met him I knew I was never going back.”
We realized at the same time that we had drifted to the edge of the meadow, the spot where the corridors had opened in the air and delivered us to our destination. I lingered indecisively.
“So what now?”
“Zach said not to go back,” Emily said thoughtfully.
“I have to. If I don’t, Eve will come looking for me.”
“So what?” Emily shrugged.
“You don’t know her,” I said. “She’s a complete control freak.”
“Okay.” Emily nodded. “So go back and convince her you’re okay. Ask for your old job back or something. You can pull it off.”
Was this Emily’s way of calling a truce between us?
“Okay,” I said uncertainly. “I’ll try.”
No sooner had I spoken than the rainbow tunnels opened before us, throwing sparkling beams of light onto the grass. It was amazing how prompt they were, like someone had pushed a button on an elevator.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Emily asked. “In case the crazy cat lady is waiting at the other end?”
“Thanks.” I laughed. “But I think I can handle her.”
I moved to let the whirlpool passageway draw me in, but Emily’s hand shot out and grabbed hold of my elbow.
“Wait!”
“What?”
“Do you hear that?” she hissed.
“I don’t hear anything…” I began, then suddenly stopped. There was a peculiar humming that seemed to be building in the air, growing steadily louder. Was this Eve’s doing? Had she sent an army after me already? Emily and I held on to one another as an opening appeared in the air as if it were made of fabric. And then it was rushing toward us or we were rushing toward it—I couldn’t tell and it happened so fast there barely time to react. Then we both tumbled headlong onto a marble floor.
“What the—?” Emily struggled to sit up, her arms waving as she fought off invisible restraints.
“No need to be alarmed,” said a voice, and we looked up to see three informally dressed figures hovering before us amid the vast pillars. The tallest of the men stepped forward and somehow I knew instinctually who he was. I felt suddenly awkward, like I had arrived for a job interview without bringing my résumé.
Joseph was different than any angel I’d ever seen. He had wavy brown hair, short and thick, and a sharp, intense stare that was more assertive than the misty gaze I was accustomed to seeing on angels. He failed to acknowledge Emily’s presence but surveyed me from head to foot then looked decidedly unimpressed. I couldn’t blame him given the state I was probably in.
“Hello, Bethany.”
“You know me?”
“I know of you.”
“So I guess Zach filled you in.” I tried to sound casual but my hands were fidgety. “You sure don’t waste any time.”
“What would be the point of that?”
I could see that engaging him in small talk wasn’t going to be an option. I noticed that his firm-set mouth barely moved when he talked. I noticed the heavy boots on his feet—this guy was really in the wrong place. He would have been more comfortable hunting game with a rifle slung over his shoulder. His stance was slightly defensive, as if he was prepared to fight at any moment.
I glanced quickly at the faces of the two men flanking him. They were both built strong and thick, made for battle. But I wasn’t afraid of them—in fact, deep down I knew these were the angels I had been searching for.
“So what can I do for you?” Joseph asked.
It was a stupid question—he obviously knew why I was there. But maybe this was his way of testing me. I didn’t want him to think I was wasting his time.
“Zach said you could help me,” I said, deciding to be as direct as possible.
“Is that so?” He raised a single eyebrow.
“Is it true?” I blurted. “Do you really know how to send someone back to earth?”
“I do,” Joseph replied stonily.
“Then why are you still here?”
He sighed, as if the question disappointed him.
“If I wasn’t, then who would be left to advance the cause?”
“Maybe I could answer that question if I actually knew what the cause was,” I said. Joseph gave a hard smile.
“You and I,” he said. “We are the cause. There are angels out there who’ve had experiences just like ours.”
“Really?” I was intrigued.
“Yes,” Joseph replied. “It isn’t right to give us humanit
y and then take it away. We should at least be offered the choice. That is what we’re fighting for.”
“That sounds … noble,” I said, struggling to find the right word. I wanted to say awesome, but didn’t want to come across as juvenile.
“It’s not noble,” Joseph retorted. “It’s practical. Angels who have lived as mortals don’t make decent angels anymore.”
“So…” I began cautiously. “You must have been on earth once. How long ago was it?”
I felt like I was prying, but I needed to know more before entrusting him with my future.
“Several millennia ago.”
He stared at me with his deep, dark eyes, not bothering to elaborate. I wondered if it was still a raw subject.
“What was your life there?” I pressed.
Joseph pursed his lips and exhaled heavily through his nose. “For a time it was happy. I did everything in my power to stay. I was married—just like you.”
“You were?” I could hardly believe my ears. “What happened?”
“I didn’t think about the consequences of embroiling her in a life of turmoil.”
It could have been my story he was narrating with different dates and names.
“So your wife … she must be here now.”
“She is. Only someplace I can never find her. That’s my punishment.” He winced as if the pain of the memory had not yet been dulled by time.
“That’s so cruel.”
He shrugged. “Heaven is just, if not always kind.”
“So if I were to wait for Xavier to come here…”
“There’s every chance the same thing would happen to him,” Joseph said. “Heaven is like a labyrinth—there are many realms and some dimensions even the most powerful cannot access.”
“Why didn’t you go back when you had the chance?” I asked in confusion.
“Because I didn’t know then what I know now. But we’re not here to talk about my history. I presume you want my help getting back?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. “Please, before it’s too late.”
“And you’re aware of what is required?”
I nodded, an involuntary shudder running up my spine. I hoped Joseph hadn’t picked up on it.
“And you’re not scared?” I shook my head vehemently, holding my face in a perfect mask of composure. Joseph regarded me carefully. “Whatever experiences you’ve had have made you strong. Even so, I want you to think about this carefully. Come and see me again.”
Heaven Page 30