by Feng Yue
It was no longer like a search for something.
It was an endless escape.
The shattered snowflakes and crystals crashed against each other in the cold wind, producing tiny yet fine sounds. The countless sounds rose like rainwater, but in the “rainwater,” a hoarse voice sang an unnamed song. The voice was sometimes close, sometimes far; one could hear it clearly but could not grasp it. But in the end, the song disappeared as well. Only mocking laughter rang in the silence.
Mockery.
Ye Qingxuan lowered his eyes and looked at his cracked and frozen feet. His toenails were tipped up and his toes no longer had feeling. There was just a trail of frozen dark red blood.
It was familiar. So familiar.
Maybe these was his real feet. When he studied his feet for the first time, they were like this too. They were numb and deathly pale, but with a dull pain that reached his bone, reminding him that the long trip had not ended yet and that he was still alive.
It had been snowing then, too, but there had been the light of fire burning behind him.
Yes, the light of fire.
He held his forehead in pain, not daring to think further, but those memories had awoken and haunted him like a ghost. They tugged at him, telling him to turn around and look at his past. The forgotten past.
Ye Qingxuan saw shards of memories appear continuously on that pale, white, icy field. In the shards, he saw those scornful eyes, a dilapidated cabin, and a gentle voice. “Little Yezi…” she murmured in his ears. “Little Yezi, have you returned?”
“Shut up!” the youth growled hoarsely. He covered his ears, but a strand of dull blonde hair floated past his eyes. Like a hallucination, it disappeared in a flash, but left behind a whiff that made one want to remember.
“Don’t be afraid.” Her voice returned, sounding in his heart. “Little Yezi, don’t be afraid.”
Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid…The voice echoed endlessly, overlapping and building on each other. It was as if the entire world was comforting him gently, but the voice only terrified him.
He roared in anger. And so the voice disappeared, as if nothing had happened. The only sound left was the whistling of the wind. He saw that the snow underfoot was red from the reflection of the firelight behind him.
Behind him, something was burning. Burning.
Ye Qingxuan froze. He stood stiffly in his spot, not daring to look back, but the smell of burning wood traveled over. Was it a cabin? The cabin lit on fire, the burning cabin, the collapsed cabin, the cabin…
He turned back blankly and saw the vaguely familiar cabin, and that apparition. The apparition stood amongst the flames and gazed at him quietly. Its eyes were compassionate and gentle. Just looking at those eyes made one feel sad.
“Little Yezi, don’t be afraid.”
The wind carried over the sad murmurs from his deepest memories. Ye Qingxuan lowered his head in silence. He gritted his teeth, trying to disperse it, but he was helpless.
Charles’s voice seemed to ring again in his ears. He said, “Fire and pain.”
Ye Qingxuan froze. He could not help but laugh at himself. He had been escaping for so long and had worked so hard just to go in a giant circle and return here.
“So this is how it is.” He looked up. Tears fell as he stared at the apparition in the fire. “I’ve almost forgotten this memory.”
Haven’t you been trying to find the sun? Ye Qingxuan, this is the sun.
This is the source of your pain.
This is where your mother died.
-
“It’s been so many years and you’re still waiting for me here…” In the long stretch of silence, the youth stared at the burning cabin. After a time, he stumbled into it. “Mom, I’m back,” he murmured as he stared at the flames that swallowed himself.
The burning pain spread, but it made him feel settled, as if the pain had found where it belonged. After all these years, he had become used to its existence. He would not even know how to live without the pain.
The youth studied the blurry apparition through the dancing red. The apparition studied him as well. Her eyes were gentle, just like before. But seeing those eyes, Ye Qingxuan smiled. He knelt in the ashes and flames.
It’s been so many years. How have you been? I’ve been well. Just like you told me to, I haven’t been afraid. I’m not afraid of anything after you left.
“I returned to Avalon and now I’m studying at the Royal Academy of Music. I’m looking for what father did back then…I haven’t gone to Grandfather yet.
“I’ve been obedient all these years and never did anything bad. I made some new friends—Victor, Charles and Bai Xi, and some other people. I really want to introduce them to you.”
“…” He lowered his head. Caressing the skeleton, he murmured, “I’m sorry. It’s been so long and I never came to see you.”
The fire burned and rose. It touched his cheek like a gentle hand, giving him pain and life. Ye Qingxuan closed his eyes. He took in the pain and let the flames of pain wipe away his tears with such gentleness.
He suddenly felt the urge to stay here. It was so nice and so quiet here. It made one feel calm. He would not have to think about the coldness and scary things of the outside world.
Stay here a bit more…just a bit more. Stay in this warm fire, even if there was nothing here but pain…
After a long, long time, the youth stood slowly and bid farewell. “Mom, I’m going.” He turned around and took one last look at the apparition in the fire. “I’ll miss you.”
The youth walked out from the burning cabin. The blizzard fell into his eyes and melted. Water vapor solidified in the wind and floated toward the sky. It was like a sigh resounding in the air.
He continued forward, welcoming the blizzard and frost, embracing every snowflake that flew toward him. His clumsy steps were branded into the snow and reached forward gradually.
Gradually, gradually, the youth’s figure turned into a black dot in the distance. It was covered by the wind and snow, swallowed, and then it disappeared.
As if seeing himself off, Ye Qingxuan watched as the silhouette grew more distant. He heard a faint melody in the wind. It was the sound of frost crystallizing, but it transformed into cool yet forlorn piano music. It sounded in his ears like a murmur. Someone’s hoarse singing was brought over by the wind.
“I saw three suns in the sky…I stared at them long and hard; they stare at me too, as if unwilling to leave. But you’re not my suns. Before, I had three suns too, but the two I loved most had disappeared…”
It was as if the long dream had finally ended.
Under the hoarse song, Ye Qingxuan felt himself dissipate, melt into the cold wind and transform into frost. He rose, rose and rose; he passed the wind, snow and icy clouds and gradually left the earth. The burning cabin in the snowy field disappeared too.
Ye Qingxuan closed his eyes and waited for this dreamscape to end. If living without pain was like this, then living in a world with some pain was better, right?
At least, you’re in that world.
At least I’ll still remember you.
Goodbye, Mom.
-
Ye Qingxuan woke from his dream at dawn. The morning light illuminated his eyes.
He sat up on the sofa and found that a glass had appeared in his hands. The liquor reflected an illusionary sun. He smiled and raised the glass, drinking the ‘fulcrum’ that he had been searching for in one shot.
The liquor slid down his throat like fire, bringing him the pain of living. He moaned in satisfaction.
The girl sleeping on his knee was startled awake. She rubbed her dazed eyes and looked up at him. “Cousin, you’re awake?”
“Yeah.” Ye Qingxuan petted her hair. “Sorry for waking you.”
Bai Xi looked at him. After a while, she asked softly, “Did you cry?”
“No.” Ye Qingxuan smiled. “Why would I cry? I just thought of som
e things.”
Bai Xi looked at him without a word. She did not worry anymore after seeing his smile. Putting her head back on his knee, she found a comfortable position, closed her eyes and fell asleep.
Her white hair had grown long and it spilled on the sofa like silk. Ye Qingxuan looked at her sleeping figure and smiled slightly. He could not help but squeeze her cheeks. She must be having a good dream.
208 Complex Situation
At dawn, the dew on the branches of the garden froze. The petals fluttered to the ground, soundlessly sinking into the dirt. The fragrance of flowers and red tea floated in the air.
Lola’s eyes were slightly misty, as if she had just woken up, but they were indescribably enchanting. She studied the youth before her and smiled. “Did you come so early in the morning to give me good or bad news?”
“To be honest, I don’t know if it’s good or bad.” Ye Qingxuan sighed and scratched his head. “But you should probably know already, right?”
“Then it must be good,” Lola realized. She smiled gleefully.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ye Qingxuan asked helplessly.
Lola raised her eyes and asked in reply, “Didn’t tell you what?”
Ye Qingxuan could not answer. Lola had already warned him of the various difficulties and hardships. The only thing she did not reveal was the key element of the music score—that its fulcrum was pain. The pain brought about by life. It was also what Ye Qingxuan was worst at facing.
Moreover, even if she told Ye Qingxuan, it would probably only create the opposite effect, right? The key element was not something that could be used just by knowing it. One must experience the resonation with it. Ye Qingxuan was successful on this aspect, but it was also what multiplied his pain.
After a long silence, Ye Qingxuan lowered his head. “Thank you.”
Lola chuckled. “If you’re saying thanks now, what are you planning on saying when I give you this? That you’ll pledge your life to me?”
With that, she pushed a thin music score across the table. It was the score that Ye Qingxuan needed to learn. “After grasping its fulcrum, the music score will be as easy as drinking water. You’ve already learned the hardest part, so there’s nothing to worry about,” Lola said lightly. “But are you sure you can learn it in two days? Its music theory is easy, but it’s still a part of Winterreise. It’s not as easy as you think.”
Ye Qingxuan smiled. His interpretation method was made just for these sorts of problems. As the product of Abraham’s blood and sweat, the interpretation method was seen as a crooked method because it did not care about feelings or anything abstract.
It was just a music theory that was precise to the extreme and had no room for mistakes. It was like a fixed mathematical theory. It either was or was not. There was no room for anything ambiguous or emotional. It was difficult to learn, but once learned, its speed was incredible.
Just like solving a math problem, one only needed to find the correct formula and go through each step. There would be no errors. With it and the fulcrum, deciphering the score according to the music theory in the fulcrum was easy as could be.
“Your confidence is unexpected.” Lola’s lips curled as if she was disappointed and that a plan had been ruined.
A chill ran down Ye Qingxuan’s spine. He felt that he had just brushed shoulders with something dangerous. He really did not know what other traps Lola had laid out for him. It would not be worth it if he died.
He shook his head and changed the topic, asking, “What did you implant into my mind? How come it can create a nightmare with my memories?”
“It’s just a guide,” Lola stated. “In the east, it’s known as the ‘mind demon guide’ and is what Mind musicians are best at. They can put demonic thoughts into one’s mind. As time passes, it buries itself deep and can control the person like a puppet. Are you scared?”
Ye Qingxuan shuddered, but quickly calmed down and glared at her. Seeing his fright, Lola smiled even happier.
“Don’t worry. That’s a technique that Teacher modified by tying it into a secret technique of the Moon Spirits. You can refer to it as ‘intent inheritance.’ Instead of demonic thoughts, it’s the musician’s comprehension of the score that’s implanted. It guides your memories and dreamscape, allowing you to transform into the composer and directly experience the meaning within…Basically, there are a lot of benefits.” Done explaining, Lola glanced at him expectantly. “Winterreise is a suite. There are still twenty-three pieces you haven’t learned. Do you want to keep going?”
“I’ll pass.” Ye Qingxuan thought of his painful experiences over the past few days. If he was going to have twenty-three more difference experiences, he would probably go insane. He would rather get past this obstacle and then learn steadily…
“Tsk.” Seeing that she did not lure Ye Qingxuan in, Lola’s eyes were a bit regretful. “That’s a pity.”
“…”
-
It was noon at the Royal Academy of Music. The youth’s white hair shone with a metallic light under the blazing sun. He sat on the steps before the main building in the empty campus and flipped through the thin booklet. Hearing footsteps, he raised his head.
“Bench Guy, you’ve refreshed?” Ye Qingxuan asked.
Bench Guy, with a concrete brick on his head, was stunned. He had not expected Ye Qingxuan to be waiting for him here and panicked slightly. “Uh…”
“I have something I want to talk about.”
“Very important?”
“Of course.” Ye Qingxuan nodded seriously. “We’ve drawn empty for three days in a row. Tomorrow are the semifinals. I feel like the school won’t let us keep drawing empty anymore, so I need to discuss tactics with you.”
Hearing this, Bench Guy let out a breath of relief. For some reason, he felt both touched and wronged. For the past two days, Ye Qingxuan had always been sleeping. He went to find Charles, but Charles was unreliable. He went to find Bai Xi, but Bai Xi did not care. He went to find Old Phil but…what use would finding Old Phil have? It was as if the nation was in a crisis, but the emperor and officials were still playing and did not care, and only the servant was worried.
He was especially skilled at bragging, but faced with a group as weird as the history department, he had no clue what to do. But he never expected that Ye Qingxuan would wake up just as he was giving up and come find him to talk about the game plan! This made him want to cry. Finally, someone was reliable!
Deeply touched, Bench Guy nodded. “I’m happy you’re thinking about this. Do you have any ideas?”
“Yeah, I need your help for something.” For some reason, the youth smiled brightly, which gave Bench Guy a bad feeling. “You’ll help me, right?”
-
The game on the field was still intense and the audience still roared.
Amidst the cheers, Ye Qingxuan held a teacup and sipped slowly. He let out a breath. “It’s so lively.”
“Yup.” Beside him, Charles ate baked seeds and snacks. He also held a big glass of cold beer. “You don’t say. Drinking and watching the game, every day is like paradise!”
“Yeah, as long as we don’t have to play.”
“…Ah, Junior, it’s so nice out today. Don’t say these sad things.”
“Okay.” Ye Qingxuan nodded lightly. “I’ll go draw tonight. You don’t have to worry about these things. Just go onto the field when it’s time.”
“Wait! Are you sure you’re going to draw? You’re so unlucky…”
“You want to draw empty again and go directly to the finals?” Ye Qingxuan eyed him. “It’s already past my expectation that we’ve lasted until now. Senior, let’s just quit while we’re ahead. We just need to make sure we don’t lose. If we want to win, we need to win the third round. Are you ready?”
“Everything is under control!” Charles whistled. “This time, I’ll produce something so amazing and incredible and beat every graduation product! At that time, graduation will be a small matter
. I might accidentally get famous, become known in Anglo, and enter the peak of my life!”
This let Ye Qingxuan know that it was entirely unreliable. If this were not his own business, he would really want to find some café, slam a fist down on the table and say, “The history department is done for!”
-
The eight-to-four round finally ended. Every player was exhausted and had used up the last of their energy. The history department just sat on the side the entire time, drinking tea and eating snacks as if they were just having fun… Seeing that Charles was cheering in the stands, the taunting multiplied instantly.
Every eye that looked over was bloodshot and shone with the cold message, “I’m going to end you!” They gave Ye Qingxuan goosebumps. It was as if someone had killed their fathers!
“You won’t be proud for too long…” someone muttered to him when they passed by after the game. Ye Qingxuan looked over, but could only see a mass of people and Banner’s cold eyes in the distance. Those emerald eyes had the vertical pupils of a beast.
-
“Is everyone ready?” Sydney asked weakly as he stood on the podium. After being messed with for three continuous days, he really did not want to do anything.
The team leaders facing him exchanged glances with troubled eyes. The semi-finals were tomorrow, but no one knew why there were five teams after the eight-to-four round. But since there were five teams, there would be one that was…the odd one out? At this thought, they exchanged glances with helpless eyes. It would probably be the history department again, right?
“If everyone’s ready, then let’s start drawing…” Sydney dragged out the last word weakly and cursed under his breath. But suddenly, he froze.
Wait, there was something wrong! Why didn’t he feel those familiar scornful eyes? Did that dog not come?
Sydney looked around and instantly smiled. It did not come! He also felt a little bit at a loss, but he still could not help but feel his fighting spirit reignite.
“Did the music history department not come?” He rubbed his hands together in excitement. “Then it counts as them giving up! Half their points will be deducted and they voluntarily…”