by Thom Whalen
something? Most people think that looking good and getting laid go together. First you impress the woman, then you nail her. That’s called seduction. And that’s not what you are doing on Saturday. All you have to do on Saturday is keep from embarrassing her. You show up looking like a homeless person and she might not even get in the car with you. I wouldn’t.
PETER
You don’t have to get in the car with me.
CHRIS
She does. So you make sure that it works out all right for her.
(The lights fade out)
Scene Six:
SETTING:A small, noisy, smoky space. Rock music is playing loudly.
AT RISE:Peter, Sally, and Judy are crowded together. Sally is wearing a knee-length cotton print skirt and pink blouse. She looks nice. Judy is wearing similar clothes, but the dress is noticeably shorter and the blouse noticeably tighter. Peter is dressed in a somewhat more respectable pair of jeans than usual and clean denim shirt. In fact, both look brand new. That is as dressed up as he gets unless someone had died.
PETER
Can I get you ladies a drink?
SALLY
No, thanks.
JUDY
(Shakes her head slowly, looking at Sally. Then replies uncertainly)
No, uh… thanks.
PETER
Maybe a beer, then?
SALLY
(More emphatically, but still politely)
No, thank you.
(Judy is silent, but looks wistful)
PETER
(Sincerely)
Anything else? A little pot, maybe. There’s plenty here to go around.
(Sally looks shocked. She just shakes her head)
JUDY
(Smiles enigmatically)
I thought that I got a whiff of the evil weed when I came in.
PETER
Really? Only a whiff?
(Sniffs the air, then shrugs)
Well, the night is still young.
(The three stand around for a minute, all at a loss for words.
SALLY
(Finally Sally speaks)
So have you known Henry for long?
PETER
Henry?
SALLY
Yeah. Henry. You remember. Our host. The guy who answered the door. It’s his party.
PETER
(shrugs)
The guy at the door wasn’t Henry. I don’t know who he was. Henry’s probably in the back somewhere. He never bothers answering the door.
JUDY
You didn’t know who that guy was? But you looked so happy to see him.
PETER
I was just happy that someone answered the door. Sometimes you have to wait outside for a long time before someone lets you in.
JUDY
You could let yourself in.
PETER
No, you can’t. The door locks when it shuts. That’s so that the cops can’t let themselves in. That would be a bummer.
JUDY
You think that the cops would go away just because the front door was locked?
PETER
Nah. But it would make it a little harder for them. Henry says it has something to do with the legalities of search and seizure. I don’t know the details. Henry does. He’s a lawyer.
JUDY
A lawyer?
PETER
Yeah. He does a lot of legal aid work. I don’t think it pays very well, but he gets lots of connections that way.
SALLY
Connections?
PETER
Yeah. You know. For recreational pharmaceuticals? If you want to keep well stocked, you gotta know somebody who trusts you.
SALLY
(to Judy)
Anytime you want to go, just let me know.
JUDY
We just got here. Peter isn’t ready to leave yet, are you?
PETER
(taken aback)
Well…Not really… I hadn’t planned…
(Looking at Sally and discovering an unknown reserve of gallantry)
But I’ll take you back any time you want.
SALLY
Oh, no. You don’t have to worry about that. I’ve got cab fare.
JUDY
(to Sally)
But I thought that you wanted to come here. That you were supposed to come.
SALLY
Yes. But I wasn’t told that I was supposed to stay.
PETER
Aren’t you were supposed to stay until something happens?
SALLY
What do you mean?
PETER
You know, like a sign?
JUDY
(suspicious)
What do you know about all this?
PETER
(realizing his mistake)
Nothing.
JUDY
What do you know nothing about?
PETER
I don’t know nothing about nothing.
JUDY
Yeah. Sure.
PETER
(Guilty silence for a few seconds, then,)
If you ladies would excuse me, I think I’ll snag myself a beer.
JUDY
Yeah. Sure.
(Peter walks away from Sally and Judy)
JUDY (cont’d)
So, here we are. Now what? If you aren’t supposed to party, then why are you supposed to be here?
SALLY
I don’t know.
JUDY
(shakes her head)
You sure don’t.
SALLY
(With substantial conviction)
I have to make a difference in the world. A substantial difference. I have to do something.
JUDY
What?
SALLY
I don’t know. But I can’t just stand around and do nothing.
JUDY
Why not?
SALLY
Because then I’ll be damned and go to hell.
JUDY
You’re not going to hell. You’re a good person. One of the best.
SALLY
That’s not enough.
JUDY
What do you mean, that’s not enough?
SALLY
That’s not enough. God said that I have to make a substantial contribution to the world to get into Heaven.
JUDY
God? You mean that nut in the mall? He said that you had to do something?
SALLY
Yes. No. He’s not a nut. And yes, he said that I had to do something.
JUDY
Oh, lord. You think that you’re here on some kind of mission.
SALLY
I guess so.
JUDY
Look, Sally, this is a party. Just a party. It’s not the ghettos of Calcutta and you are not Mother Teresa. I know about people and parties. I used to be one these people, remember. They don’t want to be preached at. They just want to have a little fun. Their own kind of fun.
SALLY
(looking around)
They aren’t all having fun.
JUDY
Sure, they are.
SALLY
No, not that girl over there. She’s crying.
(Points off stage)
JUDY
(looks where Sally is pointing)
Maybe not her, then. But all the others.
SALLY
Well, then, maybe she’s the reason that I’m here. Maybe she’s the one that I am supposed to help.
JUDY
She’s probably just getting weepy over whatever she drank or smoked. Drugs depress some people.
SALLY
Let’s go and find out.
JUDY
Not me. I’m not getting involved with some stranger on a down trip.
SALLY
I am. You stay here if you want.
(Sally walks to the edge of the stage, sits down and starts talking earnestly to an unseen person)
PETER
(Peter returns with a
beer in his hand. He spies Judy standing alone and approaches her)
Hey, what happened to Sally? She grab a cab back home, already?
JUDY
No. She’s just over there, talking to that girl.
PETER
Well, as long as she’s having a good time.
(Pauses)
You sure you don’t want a beer?
JUDY
I’m sure that I do.
PETER
(His gallantry knows no bounds)
Here, take this one, then. I’ve only drunk a couple of swallows.
JUDY
Thanks. But then you won’t have one.
PETER
That’s all right. I already had one at the bar. I can wait till I get back over there to get another one.
JUDY
(Takes the bottle that he is offering)
Thanks, then. It’s been a while since I had a beer.
PETER
Yeah?
JUDY
Yeah. When I joined this church a couple of years ago, I stopped drinking.
PETER
You used to drink a lot?
JUDY
Yeah. I mean, I wasn’t an alcoholic or anything like that. But I used to drink a few beers in an evening. Except when I was drinking tequila. I never liked to mix beer and real drinks.
PETER
I know what you mean. If I’m drinking, I like to drink. Beer just keeps sending you to the can all night.
JUDY
Yeah.
PETER
You ever toke up?
JUDY
(smiling)
Not since I joined the church.
PETER
You like this church more than grass?
JUDY
It’s got some good points. But I’m not in deep like her.
(She gestures toward Sally)
She’s a lifer.
PETER
Yeah?
JUDY
Yeah. Her parents were into it. She’s been going since she was a baby. She doesn’t know any different.
PETER
Pity.
JUDY
She’s really smart, but her parents wouldn’t even let her finish high school. They said that school was giving her wrong ideas. For the longest time, her teachers kept calling, trying to get her parents to let her go back. They said that she should be going to university. Her parents weren’t exactly what you’d call flexible, so she never did graduate. But it doesn’t seem to bother her. She seems happy enough.
PETER
(looking at Sally)
She seems happy enough over there.
(gestures toward Sally who it talking animatedly to her unseen new friend)
JUDY
(Looking at Sally)
Yeah. She does like to witness to people. It’s her thing.
(Then looks at Peter)
So what about you? What’s your bag?
PETER
Me? I’m just a graduate student.
JUDY
Really? A graduate student?
(interested)
What do you study?
PETER
Philosophy.
JUDY
Wow. That’s deep.
PETER
Yeah. Some parts are fun. Mostly I’m into formal logic. That gets pretty convoluted.
JUDY
I wish I could understand stuff like that.
PETER
(Laughing)
Me, too.
JUDY
(Looking deeply into his eyes)
You said there was some weed back there?
PETER
Yeah. Good stuff. Imported.
JUDY
Maybe let’s see if