V: Now Wash Your Hands
I was proceeding in a Westerly direction along Rhodes Street along with others of my gang when I observed the defendant emerging from the premises now known to me as ‘Singh Brothers Supermarket Halal Meats and Off License’, carrying a cardboard container of household supplies and sporting a dark complexion, whereupon my colleagues and I gave chase. The defendant thereupon dropped the said box of household supplies, what I kicked as I persued him. The defendant was chased into what I now know is Crucial Brew Close, where I and others kicked im in the ghoulies, kidnies and head, causing him injury and distress; following which, we ran away. And I would like to thank the Rascist Bastards Complaints Review Board for helping to keep this sort of thing on the streets (Intrusion: No one asked them to come here I’d send them all back to where they came from (Bradford). Well, before that (Bradford). Well, originally (Shock Deport Report: Royals Repatriated to Hunland/ Wopland; Entire So-Called ‘English’ Upper Class ‘Relocated’ to France in ‘1066 Effect’: East African camps being prepared for ‘Stand Off Zanzibar’ Final Solution. Message Ends).
VI: Formula Writing
Junk DNA Junk AND Junk NAD Junk DAN Junk AND nkJu ADN unkJ DNA unkJ AND unkJ NAD unkJ DAN unkJ ADN nkJu DNA nkJu AND nkJu NAD nkJu ADN kJun DNA kJun AND kJun NAD kJun DAN kJun ADN unJk DNA unJk AND unJk NAD unJk DAN (etc) (tce, cet, tec, cet)
VII: Thesis, Antithesis, Dialysis
cancel BUPA if you have to New Cancer Research Grant Safe in our hands New Cancer Research Grant Report concludes Safe in our waldos PRIVATE CANCER TREATMENT: A GROWTH INDUSTRY Concludes the poor and unemployed are more susceptible to a wide range of Spending More Than More Than More Than Spending More Than Ever Before New Cancer Research Grant SPENDING MORE THAN EVER BEFORE research cut slashed in NEW CUTS IN round of spending cuts NEW CUTS IN after wide consultations NEW CUTS IN reduced demand NEW CUTS IN catchment area NEW CUTS IN revised priorities NEW CUTS IN community care NEW CUTS IN susceptible to a wide range of NEW CUTS IN NEW CUTS IN CUTS IN SURGICAL . . . Research Grant will no longer be referred to as a ‘lump sum’ and this latest mark of kidney machine - the twelve-inch dance re-mix laser guided precision munition version - can scatter hundreds of these tiny kidney-stone size machinettes over an area the size of a squash courts cricket pitch golf course, breaking up breaking up an enemy kidney failure while it’s still in Warsaw Pict territory (oops, sic) go for it honey.
VIII: What Free World
LOONY LEFT BLACK LESBIANS WITH AIDS BAN
ENGLISH IN NURSERIES
ANOTHER
MAGGIE SLAMS ‘ENEMY WITHIN’
ANOTHER TRIUMPH
‘SORRY KIDS, YOU’RE WHITE’
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR
BASTARDS!
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR BRITAIN
ANOTHER BLOW FOR LABOUR
UNEMPLOYMENT DOWN AGAIN
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR BRITAIN
ANOTHER TRIUMPH
LABOUR PLANS SCROUNGERS’ CHARTER
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR
35,000 JOBS TO GO IF LABOUR WIN
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR
CHEERS, MAGGIE!
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR
(RECORD PROFITS)
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR
US
GOTCHA!
IX: Rapid Ear Movement
out of ten children below the age of six regularly have nightmares about nuclear war I sed it provides jobs, dunnit, an he sez ‘So did Belsin and Outshwits; them cattle trux didn’t drive themselves you no; somebody had ta bild the camps and put up the electric wire and keep the showers hosed down; tok to me about hard wurk once you’ve spent all day supervizing frowing bodies into furnaces’ Iknow ‘Ow, ullo Fritz; wotcher doin theez daze?’ ‘Well, Kurt, am on a Reich Retraining Scheme, ineye?; pulling gold teef outa ded Jooz.’ Iknowbut provides jobz alright Six million? Don’t make me larf that’s just one city Iknowbutwhat gas was quick compared to radiation sickness I know but what can There was this sick cunt made lightshades outer ther skin but at Hiroshima they woz just shadders on the wall I know but what can you makes yer fink, dunnit? I know but what can you do? course that labour lot would just let the Rushins march right in and you got ta defend yourself, intya?
X: The History Of The Universe In Three Words (sic)
THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
CHAPTER ONE
Bang!
CHAPTER TWO
sssss . . .
CHAPTER THREE
crunch.
THE END
XI: The Precise Nature Of The Catastrophe
WELCUM TO THE FEWTCHIR makes yer makes yer fink makes yer course that labour lot would just makes yer fink makes yer na it’s true I read it in the paper (sic) RED MENACE makes yer fink SPENDING na don’t scratch it it’ll never get better (sick) march right in march march march right in makes yer fink course there’ll be spin-offs KILL AN ARGIE AND WIN A METRO I sed go for it honey KILL A look after number one and KILL A you got ta defend yourself KILL A KILL A fst fd KILL KILL KILL A COMMIE AND it makes you kicked im in the kidnie machines ATTENTION: you got ta SPENDING MORE defend yourself got ta defend your CHALLENGER BOMBS CHERNOBYL WITH LASER GUIDED AIDS self, SEVENTY-THREE SECONDS OVER CAPE CANAVERAL TWELVE MINUTES OVER TRIPOLI ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS OVER NORTHERN EUROPE, intya? ATTENTION: oh well scratch another power station scratch another planet fst fd I sed ARMING intya? GROWTH without INDUSTRY without due GROWTH GROWTH GROWTH INDUSTRY without due care and SPENDING MORE THAN you got ta defend SPENDING MORE THAN EVER defend your Tax Free GROWTH INDUSTRY without due care and ATTENTION: ARMING SEQUENCE ta defend yourself, intya? just let them Rushins ATTENTION: ARMING SEQUENCE INITIATED fst fd Course fst fd you got ta defend yourself fst fd NO ONE LIKES TO THINK the curtains closed all day fst ds ATTENTION (homeowners only) NO ONE LIKES you got ta NO ONE LIKES TO (Intrusion:) you got ta ATTENTION: Will not damage carpets ATTENTION: I said ATTENTION: fst fd ATTENTION: fst fd ATTENTION: NO ONE LIKES TO defend your SPENDING MORE THAN EVER BEFORE self, intya? I sed go for it ATTENTION: ATTENTION: ATTENTION: Message Ends defend defend defend yourself, intya? you got ta defend you - ullo, wot’s that bright l-? ATTENTION:[EMP]
(sssss . . .)
XII: The End
THE END
Iain Banks came to widespread and controversial public notice with the publication of his first novel, The Wasp Factory, in 1984. Consider Phlebas, his first science fiction novel, was published under the name Iain M. Banks in 1987. He is now acclaimed as one of the most powerful, innovative and exciting writers of his generation. Iain Banks lives in Fife, Scotland.
Find out more about Iain M. Banks and other Orbit authors by registering for the free monthly newsletter at www.orbitbooks.net
1 Just a less precise re-statement of Sturgeon’s Law. - ‘The Drone’
2 About ten thousand, of course. Ms Sma’s mental arithmetic never was too hot. - ‘The Drone’
3 This is an extremely strained translation, but it’s the best available. - ‘The Drone’
4 Effectively untranslatable. - ‘The Drone’
5 Another tricky one. Ms Sma keeps on using words there is no direct English equivalent for. - ‘The Drone’
6 Sma refuses to choose between British English and American English. This would be ‘randiest’ in British English. - ‘The Drone’
7 The word Sma insists upon using is exactly midway in meaning between ‘common’ and ‘vulgar’. Take your pick. - ‘The Drone’
8 I think this jars abominably, but herself disagrees. - ‘The Drone’
9 Ms Sma is confusing matter transmission (sic) with transdimensional displacement of a remotely induced singularity. I despair. - ‘The Drone’
10 Actually, Sma was talking to a ship-slaved tray carrying drinks, but she thinks it sounds silly to say she was talking to a tray. - ‘The Drone’
11 The following speech - sourced from the Arbitrary’s own files - has been rendered as accurately as possible. Mr ’ndane’s grammatical eccentricities are difficult to r
eproduce in English. - ‘The Drone’
12 I thought the phonetic equivalent was better than something strained like ‘horsoid’. - ‘The Drone’
13 See; I told you. - ‘The Drone’
14 Sma uses a relatively equivalent play on words here. - ‘The Drone’
15 Ha! - ‘The Drone’
The State of the Art
IAIN M. BANKS
Hachette Digital
www.littlebrown.co.uk
The State of the Art Page 21