Jesse had it for some reason, Jesse my friend who wouldn’t look at me at the present.
“Jess?” I said, slow because I really didn’t understand what was going on. I just knew what my body was telling me, my instincts. My heart was racing and… that I noticed.
His eyes closed slow. “Why did you come out here, Colton?”
I swallowed, daring to get closer. He only had the gun in his hand, palming it with the other. I lifted my hand but was casual about it. “You found my gun?”
His lips twitched a little, a humorless smile. “You know I know where it is.”
I did, so I nodded. I’d shown it to him. He came from the rural South, so he wasn’t unfamiliar with guns either. It’d been a quick show and not a big deal.
Even more casual, I leaned against the window, folding my arms so he could see me. We stood by each other, and I didn’t do anything rash.
“Hey, um, Jess, we should probably go back in, don’t you think? Did you see the proposal? I’m, um, engaged, man.” And for some reason, these felt like the wrong words to say. My friend actually… cringed when I said that, cringed like I hurt him or burned him. I moved, and he braced that gun, making me halt.
“Yeah, I saw,” he said, tapping the pistol to the air. “You just don’t.”
Not understanding, I shook my head, and with the gun in hand, he drew his hands down his messy hair. It was all weathered from the rain, and he looked disheveled, a mess, and it didn’t help my buddy was armed.
He smiled a little but looked sad about it. “I actually thought it was all like me, your situation, you…” He laughed a little, finally facing me. “You fuck all these women, mess around like I do… A front.”
“A front—”
“I’m in love with you, Colton.”
I froze in my steps, shock rattling me. There’s no way he said what he just had. He… loved me? How so…
But as I watched him, the fear suddenly rampant in his eyes, I think I knew in what way. I knew the reality of it. Even if I didn’t get it at first, see it.
“You…” I paused, still trying to make sense of the words. “You love me—”
“Just forget I said it. Just… Oh, God.” The fear transformed, the man petrified in all the ways one could be. I think he just figured out what he said to me.
And what that meant for both of us.
He said something I never realized about himself and something he clearly had hopes for. He said he thought I was like him.
When I so obviously wasn’t.
I’d seen no signs, all of this coming out of left field, and I didn’t know what to do or say, and he saw that. He saw my hesitance, my drawback, and he lifted that gun…
But he didn’t lift it at me.
He raised it to his head, his intent crystal clear, and I should have talked him down. I shouldn’t have moved, but I did. I didn’t want him to take the out. I wanted him to fight. I wanted him to be.
I needed him to for himself.
My hands up, I eased toward him. I moved toward him. “Jesse, no…”
“Stay back, Colton. Just…” His eyes red, they brimmed with emotion, actual tears filling them. “I can’t. I… Just go back to your party, Colt.”
“I won’t. I’m here with you, man. In this moment here and now. I’m not leaving.”
His jaw moved, his finger on the trigger. “Why?”
I lowered my hands. “Because you need me to be,” I said, making him hear it. “And I need you in my life, too.”
The world needed us both. I used to be so alone in my lies. I boxed myself in and couldn’t see what was truly around me, a world that needed me and one I wanted to be a part of.
It took me a while to understand that, lots of therapy, but once I’d seen it, I wasn’t letting go and I wasn’t going to let him go either.
My words rattled him, made his hands shake. He lowered the gun, those tears actually falling down his cheeks. I’d never once seen this man cry. Neither of us did, but it seemed things were starting to change. I also shared vulnerability and emotions not that long ago.
And thank God for that.
His gun down, I approached him, and after he gave it to me, I placed it down. I gave him a hug after that, something my pop gave me when I’d been in my own depths. I hadn’t known I needed it until then, and that moment had been the beginning of the next chapter of my life, the real start of my recovery.
“I’m so sorry, Colt,” Jesse said, his voice laced with emotion in my ear. He squeezed me hard. “I’m so sorry I…”
“I need you, buddy,” I said, gripping his shoulder. “I need you in my life, but it won’t be enough. You gotta want that for yourself.”
His nod was firm, and we stayed in that moment.
I’d stay as long as he needed me to.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Colton
I had a lot of miles ahead of me, and I was happy to say I got to do a lot of them with one of my best friends. My trip with Jesse to San Francisco was a special one and something I think he needed too. He talked to me during those miles, told me everything. His feelings hadn’t always been there, and he did fight them for as long as he could. No one knew he was gay. No one in the industry or even back home where he was from, Mississippi. He locked away that part of himself for a long time, and though he had a strong indication his feelings weren’t reciprocated by me, our friendship allowed him to think more. He couldn’t help it. He wanted so badly for it that he made it so in his head. I told him that was okay, that he was okay. We were still friends and always would be. I dropped him off at his own treatment after that, a place he’d found by himself. He wanted help to not be scared of who he was anymore. He wanted to be okay, and hopefully, one day he would be. He shouldn’t be locked away anymore.
The world deserved to know him.
I was happy for that time I got with him, that send-off as I got to move on toward my next chapter. My girl—well, I guess fiancée—now knew I’d be gone for a few hours longer after my trip with Jesse. I had another stop to make while in town, and I made it slow.
I pulled up to the section of housing in one of San Francisco’s projects, where my mom lived. Maggie had actually moved to California to be closer to me, something she admitted in the texts since the incident at the coffeehouse. She wanted to be near but not too close.
She wanted this moment today.
Coming to her was for me, though. Finally, I was doing something for myself and not for her. That’s how things ended up being with her, my desire to help and be there for her. I came with a curiosity when I should have stuck around for what I needed. I was doing that today.
She was outside when I pulled up, my rental car modest so as to not gain attention. After the coffeehouse, I’d been in the tabloids for weeks. They eventually let go, and a lot of that had to do with my PR people, Cami. Knowing exactly what to do, they fed the media their own stories, and eventually, it all died away. However, it all turned out I didn’t care, as I’d been busy with other things surrounding my mental health, but I was happy it worked out. I’d be getting that fresh start I wanted once I got to Miami.
I hoped today I’d get another one.
Maggie did look good when I came over, just like she had in the coffeehouse. Toward the end of our meet-ups, she’d looked very much like she slid back into her old habits, but now… I think she was clean and maybe in more ways than one. She had a clarity in her eyes, like she was ready for the world to see her.
She smiled at me, so lovely that I couldn’t believe she’d ever struggled. I hated for a while that my brothers and I looked the most like her, but I didn’t now.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” I said, my hands in my pockets.
Nervous, she gazed around a bit before pointing behind herself. “You wanna go inside or…”
“Uh, no, that’s okay. This is a quick stop.”
I could tell she didn’t know what to do with that, her face trying to mask a
wave of emotions with her smile. I did walk over to her door, though, but only for more privacy. There weren’t a lot of people outside but enough.
“How have you been?” she asked, leaning against her door. “I saw in the press you’re about to start soon, Miami to play with Griff?”
I wasn’t surprised she watched me, watched us. She probably knew a lot about all of us, even my other brothers who weren’t in the papers.
I acknowledged what she said with a nod, but not much else, kicking the ground.
“Colton, I’m so sorry about what happened. I told your friend—”
“I know,” I told her. I knew everything. Cami had told me everything that went down between her and Maggie, but I wasn’t here for that. “I do, but I need to tell you something.”
“Anything,” she said, stepping forward. So much hope in her eyes. She really did want this, a relationship with me. Maybe even more than I had. I was happy that was the case and felt more secure about being here because of it. I didn’t need her.
But I wanted her in my life.
“I don’t need you to be a part of my life,” I said, but didn’t mean it in a cruel way. It was just facts. I looked at her, swallowing hard. “But I want you there. I want to know you, to get to know you.”
“I want that too.” She smiled. “That’s all I ever wanted. Things just got messed up. I messed things up.”
She had, but I helped her. She hadn’t been alone in all this, the enabling.
“The family, my brothers and everybody, knows you’re around. I told them all before coming here,” I said. “They know, and this, us talking, isn’t going to include them. They aren’t a part of this. It’s just you and me.”
“That’s okay. I think that’s best anyway, at first.”
“It’ll be slow,” I said, being honest. “You and I will be slow, and I just… I need time to trust you.”
It might take a hella long time, but I was willing to put in the work if she was. I didn’t care about her story before or even ours when we initially reunited. Our beginnings were so far back in my mind, but not because she deserved forgiveness or anything else. It was because being weighed down by history served no one. She might not have deserved my forgiveness but she was getting it anyway because that’s what I wanted. That’s what was best for me, for my healing.
I was finally healing.
She told me that was okay, that I could take all the time I needed. She was willing to do whatever she had to, and I was happy.
“Did everything work out with your friend?” she asked after it was all said and done, and the smile, it was full on her face this time. We were on the cusp of our new beginning, the right one. She tilted her head. “The one that came to see me? You said you loved her.”
I did love Camille, my everything. I literally wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her two times over.
My smile was genuine too. “I asked her to marry me.”
Maggie’s eyes lit up, her nod firm. “And what did she say?”
“Maybe you should ask her,” I told her, nodding. “Because she wants to start over with you too.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Not long later…
Cami
“I now pronounce you man and wife… again!”
Colton’s brother Brody was a big kid. At the announcement signaling the end of the vow renewal, he picked up his wife, Alexa, exclaiming a bright and vibrant, “Hell yeah!” before smacking her right on the lips in front of everyone. This got a few gasps from the crowd, one of which was the boys’ grandmother.
Colton’s grandma Rose gasped, her hand to her chest, and I noticed Colton’s aunt Robin nudge her a little, laughing and telling her mama to loosen up.
“Brody!” Alexa chided in response to her husband, apparently not a fan of the cursing in front of their children. The twin girls Gabby and Riley stood beside their parents, and the eldest Chandler brother, Hayden, was the officiant. Apparently, he got ordained just for the day, wanting to be a part of this moment, as none of the family had the first time around.
From what I learned, Brody and Alexa had opted for a speed wedding right before their children were born. They wanted it done right this time, and what could be more right than the place where their family spent so much of their lives?
The Chandler ranch was lively today, the second wedding ever to be held there. Colton’s brother Griffin and Roxie had married here as well, so I guess the vow renewal had been fitting.
Brody chuckled upon displeasing his wife, giving Alexa another smack on the lips before reaching down and kissing his girls. They each got a peck on the cheek before he picked them up, the mountainous hills of Texas behind them all. Colton’s pop had done the wedding arch, beautiful and picturesque when combined with the lovely landscape behind. They even had a pink flower at the top of the arch, their grandma Rose’s favorite flowers.
There were hints of her everywhere here today, on the pews and in the distance at the adorned barn where the reception would be held tonight. Brody had wanted to honor her, the matriarch of the family. Even the men wore Grandma Rose’s flowers as boutonnieres, strong men behind Brody. They went in descending order as far as ages, my man on the end there and looking just as sexy and mouthwatering as he ever had. Colton had allowed his curls to grow back recently, wild and just as untamed as he was. They blew in the wind, making him even more handsome than normal in his pressed suit. He had a Stetson hat in his hands, as did all the men during the ceremony.
Catching my eye, Colton winked at me, and I shook my head at him. My attention shifted when Hayden presented Brody and Alexa and I stood, clapping with everyone else at the bride and groom. The happy couple each took one of their kids, taking them hand in hand before heading down the aisle. Returning their hats to their heads, Griffin and Colton brought up the rear. Upon coming to Roxie, Griffin immediately grabbed his wife’s hand, their little one, Jackson, coming with them, and Colton grabbed my hand. This was all a part of the ceremony, all the Chandler kids a part of this moment.
Colton threw an arm over my shoulder, being his silly self, and how I loved him for it. There were times not so long ago where he lost that.
I was happy to say they were far behind us.
He enjoyed today, his whole family did, as this was one of the many beautiful reasons they came together. Though Colton and I were still engaged, I’d been fortunate enough to already become a part of this family and see family in its truest form around me. I couldn’t wait to combine his and mine together. My parents were separated, but they’d love to be a part of this too. Who wouldn’t? Colton’s family loved each other and made me feel just as much a part of that home despite the fact Colton and I hadn’t had our union yet. This was next to come, though. We planned for next spring.
Bringing up the rear of the Chandler parade was Colton’s pop and stepmom, Ann. They had Hayden’s girls in chairs beside them before they all rose and joined us. The girls threw flowers, and we were all on our way, friends and family all around us. I’d never seen such community as I had while being amongst this brood.
So much love was in the air, and it took us into the evening, my fiancé on my arm as we moved into dance upon dance. The barn was hopping, and everyone was on their feet the entire time. No song played without the dance floor full. Toward the end when things got quiet and the night started to fall, I fell into my most happy place.
Colton placed a hand on the small of my back, telling me how much he loved me, while his brothers slow-danced with their spouses around us. Some even had their children in the dance, warming my heart.
I envisioned this would be us soon, all these wonderful people setting the groundwork for us. From what I understood, Colton and I had a lot to live up to, like the great loves on this dance floor tonight. I spent much of the evening just watching Colton’s pop and Ann, who were truly inspiring. Very few moments went by when he didn’t have eyes on her.
“Are we getting married here too?” I asked
, lifting my head from Colton’s lapels. He’d never looked so handsome, free. His hair may have been windblown and he may have retired his hat and suit jacket around the third or fourth song, but he never looked so perfect.
He made me feel that way as well, on his arm and his hands on me in ways that made me feel like I was the only one he’d ever touch. Maybe in the end, the last one was the only one that mattered anyway.
“If you want to,” he told me, chuckling a little before facing his family. They were sprinkled all around us, again that dance floor filled. He faced me. “But I warn you, if you let them take hold, it might not be our wedding anymore.”
Laughing, I pressed my cheek to his chest. “That might not be so bad.”
He squeezed my hand, his mouth warming the top of my head. “You might be right about that.”
It might just be all a little bit perfect, our wedding becoming theirs. So much about today had been so wonderful I nearly missed when the air had changed. It wasn’t until our dance stopped a little, slowed down, and the floor opened up.
I saw a woman across the room, one I knew my fiancé had been in contact with. He hadn’t given up on his mom, and I hadn’t either. We spoke to Maggie from time to time. It’d been a long process, but she was there, present in both his life and mine. As far as I knew, she hadn’t been a part of the rest of the Chandlers’ world, though, and I looked at Colton.
“I invited her,” he said, pulling away from me a little. “And everyone knows I did. Everyone’s okay with it.”
I watched the world open up, each couple become aware of the new arrival. Maggie looked lovely in her pink dress, Grandma Rose’s… her mom’s favorite color.
Grandma Rose saw her, standing shakily from her chair with the assistance of Colton’s aunt Robin. As far as I knew, there had been no contact between them during the many years passed.
Grandma stared at her, her head tilted. She may have been warned about today, but the fact didn’t make her any less emotional at seeing her daughter.
Colton (Found by You Book 7) Page 18