by Selena
She drags Chase off without another word, though I hear him protesting as she drags him away, “I didn’t say she should do it on his dick.”
“Well, that was awkward,” I say, glancing nervously at Officer Gunn, who’s appeared behind the bleachers. He’s engrossed in his police radio for the moment, and I don’t want to change that.
“Let’s get out of here,” I say, grabbing a hand of both of my companions and hurrying across the parking lot towards Dolly’s huge pink truck. “We can deal with the consequences on Monday. I want to celebrate tonight.”
“Yeah,” Dixie says as we pile into the cab. “I can’t believe we went through with it!”
Dolly starts up the truck and guns it out of the parking lot. “Where to, ladies?”
“Ice cream,” I say, still high on the adrenaline and feeling invincible. Even calories can’t stop me now. “This definitely calls for ice cream.”
“Shouldn’t we go home and change first?” Dixie asks, adjusting her shorts.
“Girl, you look hot as fuck,” I say. “If anyone says otherwise, they can come talk to me.”
She giggles from the back seat. “You are so crazy, Crystal. Next thing I know, you’re going to shank someone.”
I laugh. “Not my style. I prefer to operate with more subtlety.”
“I don’t think what we just did was very subtle.”
“True,” I say. “Some bitches are too dumb to understand the subtle approach, so you’re forced to do something drastic. But you gotta use that shit sparingly, or it won’t have the desired effect.”
Dixie sighs and leans back in her seat. “I want to be you when I grow up.”
I laugh at that and turn to Dolly. “You okay? You’re awfully quiet over there.”
“I thought you liked Devlin,” she says quietly, frowning at the road ahead.
I swallow hard. Even though I’ve been with him, I’ve never said I liked him. But I do, and these aren’t the kind of friends I want to lie to. “I do,” I admit at last, feeling as vulnerable as if I were telling Devlin himself.
“Then why did Chase say you were after Preston?” she asks. “Don’t fuck with that boy’s head, Crystal. He deserves better.”
“Oh, that,” I say, laughing. “It’s a long story, but basically a misunderstanding. Don’t worry. Preston is all yours.”
“What?” she says, sounding startled.
“Oh, right,” I say. “We’re not supposed to talk about that. But trust me, I have zero interest in anyone but Devlin. And if there were something going on, your secret would be safe with me.”
“There’s not,” she says, pulling up outside a tiny shop. There’s a big sign in the shape of an ice cream cone with the words Two Scoops of Love painted on it. Dolly shuts off the engine and turns to me. “I’m with your brothers. I wouldn’t do that to them. They deserve better than that, too.”
“Okay,” I say. “Your past is your business. My lips are sealed.”
She nods and climbs out of the car. “Now, as far as what Dixie said, I have to agree,” she says as we make our way inside. “You’re really something, Crystal. I’d never have done something like that if you hadn’t come along. You opened my eyes to things I’d always just taken at face value. Like taking the cheer squad’s word that I wasn’t cut out to be a cheerleader.”
“You know they’re all jealous as fuck,” I say. “Look at you, Dolly. You’re a bombshell. If you were on the field with them, not one guy would look at any one of them. They’d all be looking at you.”
“I think it’s more that they hated me for being the only girl to ever date Devlin,” she says, giving me a quick glance, like I’ll be pissed to find out they used to date.
We take a minute to order off the chalkboard menu above the counter, ignoring the curious glances of the couple working tonight. We have the place to ourselves courtesy of the football game, so we don’t even have to worry about other people staring. I get my two scoops, a raspberry with white chocolate chunks and a chocolate with dark chocolate chips, and take the booth in the corner with my friends.
“I just have to say one more thing about those bitches,” Dolly says, setting her bowl of bubblegum and cotton candy on the table. “Then I won’t speak of them again tonight. You have no idea how much shit I took for breaking up with Devlin. It’s not like I was the Darling Dog or a pariah or anything. But all my friends basically told me I was too stupid to live. I got pissed at them, and told them that if they wouldn’t support me, we didn’t need to be friends. So, we weren’t. I used to be on cheer in middle school, but after that… I think mostly they were all hoping they’d get to date Devlin now that he was single, and who wants to be friends with your boyfriend’s ex?”
It takes about ten seconds of silence for me to look up from my ice cream. She and Dixie are both staring at me.
I set down my spoon. “I do,” I say. “I mean, I won’t lie, it’s hard as hell sometimes. I’m so jealous I want to die when I think about you and him, so I try not to think about it. Yeah, you did that, but it’s not who you are. But knowing you were his first time, and his first love, and probably his first kiss… You’re childhood sweethearts. You have all this history with him that I’ll never have.”
“Crystal,” she says. “It’s not like that. I mean, it is, but not the way you think. Yeah, we did that stuff, but Devlin and me, we were never that romantic fantasy everyone wanted us to be. Even when we were together.”
“What do you mean?”
I don’t want to know, but my mouth opens and it pops out before I can stop it. Maybe I’ve held onto denial long enough. I was always the girl who could block out anything I didn’t want to hear, who could overlook anything I didn’t want to see, even when it was right in front of my face. I didn’t get to use girls and parties and fighting like my brothers, so I created a forcefield out of my own mind to avoid dealing with life’s painful truths. But now, the part of me I’ve shut off for so long, the curious part that wants to know, to experience, even when it hurts… That part is bursting from its cocoon and demanding that I acknowledge the beauty in every bit of life, even the raw, ugly parts.
“I loved Devlin,” Dolly says. “I bought into all of it. The fantasy, the romance, our parents’ plan to push us together. I mean, you know Devlin. How could I not love that boy? I saw him go through some tough times, and I wanted to love him enough to make him my little boy again. But he wasn’t. I don’t think I really realized that until this year, until I saw what he was doing to y’all. He’s flat-out mean sometimes.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I never meant to swoop in and steal your man. I guess you’re the one who’s a bigger person for being friends with me.”
“Oh, no,” she says. “You didn’t steal him from me, Crystal. We’d been broken up for a year already. I guess I was just so caught up in the game, in the whole school’s game, the town’s game, that I forgot it was a game. It seemed like if I couldn’t get him to love me, then I’d just die. But I don’t think he ever loved me that way. We’ve always been friends, and he’s protective of me, but I don’t think it was ever more than that to him. I mean, I know you don’t want to hear about us hookin’ up, but the first time we did it, I said I loved him, and he just got up and walked out of the room.”
I press the heel of my hand to my forehead. Oh, god, I really don’t want to hear about this. But at least it’s not just me. At least he treats everyone like that. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. I just know I wish she’d stop talking.
“If you loved him, and he didn’t love you that way, then how come you’re the one who broke up with him?” Dixie asks.
Dolly takes a bite of her ice cream. “I gave him an ultimatum, hoping he’d see what he was losing. But that’s a gamble I lost. I just didn’t see how he could feel different than me. We grew up together, playing dress-up, and having pretend weddings in the back yard with our friends.”
I push my ice cream away, suddenly wishing I’d n
ever asked, wishing we hadn’t come here. I don’t want ice cream to be ruined by the memory of this conversation. It churns in my stomach the way her words churn in my head, threatening to make me sick. I don’t want to hear this. It’s like living my nightmare, my worst fears being confirmed.
“What was the ultimatum?” Dixie asks, leaning forward, her eyes bright with excitement at the prospect of such insider gossip.
“He was my best friend, but I wasn’t his,” Dolly says. “He always had his cousins. He had his family, and football, and them. I didn’t want to be just an afterthought. I didn’t want to be a doll he only played with when he felt like it, when he had time. I was more like a dog, like you said, Crystal. There’s really no difference between the two. I’d beg for scraps of attention, and sometimes, he’d throw me a bone. But I didn’t want to be his last priority.”
“You shouldn’t be,” I say. “You deserve better, Dolly.”
“I know,” she says. “And I guess even then some part of me knew because I broke up with him. I was hoping he’d chase me down and claim me for his own, wanting me enough to put me before anything. But he didn’t. I was the one who broke down and went running back, saying I made a mistake and making a fool of myself. But he wouldn’t have me back. He’s got too much pride for that.”
She glances at me, and I know he’s told her what I did. They’re still friends, after all.
“I know,” I say, swallowing hard.
“Under all that meanness, Devlin must still have a heart, though,” Dolly says. “Because I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Crystal. And I can promise you this. He never looked at me that way.”
My heart skips at her words, and I don’t want to show how selfishly, ridiculously happy that makes me. But I can’t think about that right now. Because thinking about that makes me think about how he said some things were more important than football. How he risked his family’s wrath to help me find Royal. And then I have to remember that even though he may look at me differently, even though he may have chased me down, though he claimed me in front of the whole school, it’s all meaningless now. I told him I didn’t want him.
And even if he forgave me, and I forgave him for all he did, our families would never allow it. My family would straight up murder him if they knew what we did this afternoon. And I don’t want anything to ruin this night, not even thoughts of my family.
“Well,” I say, picking up my spoon again. “Whatever you felt for each other, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re an awesome person. What kind of dumb bitch would I be if I hated you because of something you did, something that has nothing to do with me and you had every right to do, instead of liking you for being a genuinely badass, amazing friend?”
“I think it’s a genuinely badass, amazing friend who would talk me into shaking my ass like a fool in front of the whole town,” she says, and the momentarily serious mood lifts as we all break into laughter at the audacity of what we did tonight.
“Well, thanks for being my friend,” I say. “I’m sure it’s not that easy for you, either.”
“I tell you what,” she says. “When y’all came along, it was like I’d been living in this room made of mirrors, so I couldn’t see that there was a world beyond it. And y’all busted right through that glass, and I saw the world out there beyond Faulkner city limits. I love this town, and I might come back here some day, but I gotta step out of the house of mirrors for a while and see what’s out there first. So, I applied to UCLA. And I got in! I’m going to California, girls.”
“Oh my god,” Dixie squeals. “Maybe you’ll meet a movie star and fall in love!”
“Maybe you’ll become a movie star,” I say.
“I can start as a backup dancer,” Dolly says with a giggle. “I can look back and say it all started with y’all.”
“I can’t believe it was even real,” Dixie says with a sigh, licking her strawberry cone. “I mean, how can this be me? My parents would kill me for eating ice cream on a normal day. And I don’t even care. Because you know what? I just did something so much worse than eating ice cream!”
“Well, I’m glad I came along to push you out of your comfort zone,” I say with a grin.
“You’ve really made waves at Willow Heights,” Dolly says. “And that’s not something that’s easy to do.”
I remember Lacey’s warning on my very first day of school, that if I wanted to survive, I wouldn’t make waves. Guess I proved her wrong. Here I am, making waves and having ice cream with two of the baddest chicks I’ve ever met. I’m doing more than surviving. I’m having the best fucking time right now.
Sure, things at home suck. My dad is definitely funneling money to the mob, my mother is the niece of a mafia kingpin, and my grandpa probably killed a guy while he was here. King is planning a life of criminality, the twins are probably going to make the mayor want to run us out of town when he finds out they’re double-teaming his daughter, and Royal is fucked up in ways no one is talking about. And me? I’m in love with a boy whose family hates me, a boy I can never have without putting us both in danger—and probably both our families as well.
But I realize as we sit there laughing about the night, reliving the reckless, stupid stunt we just pulled, stuffing our faces with way too many calories to count, that I’m happy. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I wouldn’t change a thing about this moment. Because in this moment, I’m not a mafia daughter or a girl who intentionally broke the heart of the boy she loved; I’m not the Darling Dog, a Dolce Daughter, or the Whore of Faulkner. I’m just a normal sixteen-year-old girl hanging out with her besties, laughing, and consuming obscene amount of sugar. And because I know the moment can’t last, because I know it’s not real, that it’s just a tiny bubble of joy and not my reality, every bite tastes that much sweeter.
ten
Crystal
When girls say they only have guy friends, or they don’t get along with other girls, I feel so incredibly sad for them. Sure, my brothers are some of the best friends a girl could have, friends who protect me and have my back. But there’s a magic in female friendships, something indescribably intoxicating, a secret ingredient that even we can’t name. When we’re together, we become powerful, unstoppable. We become magic.
I feel sad for girls who miss out on that because they’re too busy trying to prove they’re better than everyone. Who would want to be different from other girls, when other girls are such amazing, badass people?
I get home a few hours later, realizing as I wave goodbye to Dolly and make my way along the front walk to the house that my life feels almost normal. Not perfect, but I have friends who drop me off after a night of hanging out with the girls while my brothers party it up after the game. I even sort of cheered at halftime. It’s the first time since I left New York that I want that kind of life again. I made mistakes, yes, but I liked having friends, brothers who played football, and even King checking in a couple times to make sure I was okay. Maybe, just maybe, I can still make a better life for myself here. Keep the good parts and learn from the bad.
It’s only a little after eleven when I open the door and step inside. Dad’s a bit of a night owl, so I’m not surprised to find a few lights on. The house is spotless, thanks to the staff Mom hired while she was here. I’m halfway to the stairs when a voice stops me.
“Where have you been?”
My hand flies to my heart, and I spin to see my brother sitting alone in the darkened living room.
“What the hell, Royal?” I say. “You scared me to death.”
Light filters in from the next room, but he’s not watching TV or doing anything, just sitting in the dark like a creeper. “Answer the question,” he says.
“I was out with Dolly and Dixie,” I say. “I told King that, and that I was safe. I thought you were with him. Why aren’t you at the postgame party?”
“I don’t want to party,” Royal says, standing and prowling toward me. “I want to know why my sister’s still
fucking the guy who did this to me.”
“What?” I ask, taking a step back, my heart beating faster in my chest.
“You and Devlin,” he says, stopping in front of me, his dark eyes ferocious. “Tell me you’re not still fucking him, Crystal.”
“I’m not,” I say, my throat tightening.
His gaze bores into mine, and I force myself not to look away. But Royal’s my twin. He’s always been able to tell when I’m lying.
“Bull. Shit.” He grits out the two words, glaring back at me. But I’m his twin, too. I can read him as well as he reads me. And it’s not the anger in his eyes that breaks my heart. It’s the hurt he hides beneath it.
“What did he do to you, Royal?” I whisper, my heart still hammering. “Tell me.”
Royal’s hands ball into fists, and he steps even closer, his voice menacing. “Tell me why you left school with him today if it wasn’t to fuck?”
“It wasn’t,” I snap. My own anger rises, and I welcome it. I know why he’s pissed. It’s so much easier, so much safer, than pain. “I left school because you and King were being assholes, and I needed to get away. I’m so sick of being told what to do, and how to dress, and who to be. I just want to be myself, Royal. The same as you get to.”
He laughs, but it’s not the laugh I know and love. It’s a horrible, twisted, black thing snaking out of him like a barbed tentacle. “You think anyone in this family gets to do whatever the fuck they want?” he says. “You think I went through all this because I fucking wanted to?” His voice rises as he speaks until he’s shouting, his eyes furious, his fists shaking with rage.
“No, but—”
“You’re the only person in this family who thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants,” he yells. “And here I was, thinking I was protecting you. I went through that shit for you, Crystal. So you wouldn’t have to. So they couldn’t get to you. And all along, you were spreading your legs for him—willingly. It was all for fucking nothing!”
His fist shoots out so fast I barely have time to duck. An involuntarily little scream escapes me as I cower away from my brother, my twin, my better half. The boy who has protected and sheltered me with his presence, who would hold his umbrella over me when it rained so I’d stay dry, even if it meant he’d get soaked. The boy who anchored me and grounded me and made me feel safe and calm when no one else could.