by Penny Reid
I stare at the menu board again. I should have a donut. That's the normal thing to do while waiting for a pregnancy test, right? Has it been three minutes? The pregnancy tests are in my bag, waiting, while I look at donuts. Cream-filled? Jelly? Oh, look, they have heart-shaped donuts for Valentine's Day.
What kind of idiot has to be told they're pregnant by their boyfriend? I keep picturing Luke's face as I order two jelly-filled donuts and one of the heart-shaped ones with pink frosting. I add an orange juice. The smell of the coffee is almost ruining my desire for the donuts.
I probably can't have coffee anymore anyway. Stupid baby. I slide the orange juice in my coat pocket and continue walking down Chestnut while I shove a jelly donut in my mouth.
I walk and walk and walk. I reach the Schuylkill and realize I can cross the bridge on foot. Might as well just walk all the way home. Luke's penthouse condo is ridiculously close to my dorm room really. Forty-five minutes on foot, tops, less than fifteen by car. But we're worlds apart, aren't we?
He looked so disappointed when he said I was pregnant. Oh, God. I want to throw up, and not because of hormones. How many times did he lecture me about birth control? I think back to the very beginning, in the clinic when I was his patient. Using condoms just because I threw up a couple of times when I was hungover, the birth control refills that were handed to me.
I've become my mother, but worse. My father didn't care he was being used to father children he had no interest in. Luke cares.
I dump the empty orange juice bottle into a trash can and yank open my purse and dump the pregnancy tests as well. I don't need them. It's not like Luke of all people doesn't know what he's doing. My denial is quickly fading, replaced by anger. This is not what I had planned.
I turn right onto Spruce and see Luke leaning against his big stupid SUV in front of Jacobsen Hall. We make eye contact briefly as I approach and he nods but doesn't attempt to talk to me. I cannot believe he knocked me up. Jerk.
I push open the door of my dorm room and walk in on Jean and Jonathan having sex. Can this day get any worse? I should count my blessings at this point, at least there were no toys involved this time. I slump against the wall across from our door and slide down to the floor in a heap. I have one donut left, the heart-shaped one covered in pink frosting. There are heart-shaped sprinkles on top too, I notice as I shove it in my mouth.
The door opens and Jonathan appears with Jean right behind him.
"Sophie, what are you doing here?" Jean asks, concern on her face.
"Eating a donut." I hold up the remaining half as evidence.
They look at each other for a moment and then Jonathan helps me off the floor while Jean holds the door open. Once I'm on my feet Jonathan takes off and I flop across my old bed.
"What's going on, Sophie? I thought you were staying with Luke?"
"I'm"—I sigh—"pregnant."
"Oh." Jean looks surprised. "Oh, wow." She's quiet for a moment. "Luke didn't take it well?"
"He's the one who told me."
"He knew before you did?" she asks incredulously.
"I'm an idiot," I reply, blowing hair off my face.
"No, Sophie, no, you're not. What's going on?"
I fill her in and she listens patiently. She rubs my back while I cry and lets me talk and vent all afternoon. All week really. And she lends me clothing, since Luke moved all of my things into his house.
Luke calls, and I send him to voicemail. I'm not ready to talk to him. I'm not ready for any of this.
Chapter 33
"Holy shit. Pregnant?" Everly looks horrified. She's staring at my stomach like she suspects baby cooties are airborne.
"It's not contagious, Everly."
"I know that," she responds unconvincingly while running a hand across her flat stomach. She hops up on the back counter and stares at me while swinging her feet. "Have you told Luke? How'd he take it? Are you gonna HEA?"
"Are we going to what?"
Everly rolls her eyes at me. "HEA. Are you going to get married, have the baby and live happily ever after?"
"I don't know." I shake my head.
"Well, how did he react when you told him? He's really old, he might want a kid," she offers.
"He told me, actually."
Everly stops swinging her legs. "How? Were you playing some kinky pregnancy test game? Please say yes," she pleads.
"Uh, no." I point to my head. "Concussion? Hospital? Remember?"
"Oh, right," she says, deflating.
"Enough about me. What's new with Professor Camden?"
Everly freezes for a brief second then shrugs. "Nothing. And if you think I'm done talking about the chicken nugget in your uterus, you're mistaken."
I ignore her and move to assist a customer.
"So, what's your plan?" Everly asks when I'm done.
"It's been three days, Everly, I'm supposed to have a plan?"
Everly looks at me like I'm crazy. "Yeah, you're Sophie. You probably had a plan within three hours."
I slump against the counter. "I had planned to graduate without a pregnancy, so maybe planning isn't all it's cracked up to be."
Everly just waves her hand for me to continue.
"I think I can afford a one-bedroom in a decent area as long as I find a full-time position by graduation."
"You can afford a three-bedroom and a pony with the amount of child support Luke will be paying."
"No." I shake my head. "No, I don't want his money. I'm not my mother." The back of my eyes burn and I will myself not to cry.
Everly hops off the counter and hugs me. "I know, bitch. I know," she says, rubbing my back. Only Everly can call me a bitch at a moment like this and make it comforting. "Sophie, you're the most conscientious person I know. No one will think you got pregnant on purpose."
I spot a shiny new Land Rover parking out front as I pull away from Everly. I can't believe he's stopping in for his Tuesday morning coffee run like nothing has happened. I duck into the back and leave Everly to deal with him, busying myself unpacking a shipment of paper cups.
I don't stop until Everly appears, leaning against the door jamb. "You're so stupid," she says in way of greeting.
"I know," I agree, slumping.
"No, dumbass, about Luke." She points her thumb in the direction of the street. "He traded in a sports car for an SUV."
"Everly, I don't want his money. He can buy three cars for all I care."
"I cannot believe you're the smart one," she mutters. "First of all, that's a luxury Land Rover, not a car. And secondly, it's a Land Rover, Sophie—that's the equivalent to a minivan for Luke. Jesus, he probably has a baby name site bookmarked on his laptop. You two are gross," she finishes and walks back into the shop.
I chew on my bottom lip while I think about what Everly is saying.
"He asked about you," she calls out as she walks away.
The next two days pass in a blur. I attend class, study and send out resumes. Boyd leaves me several messages about meeting to talk, but my energy level is so low all I've managed to do is text him back. Being an incubator is exhausting.
I'm confused. Everly and Jean haven't been with Luke these last few months. They haven't heard the reminders about taking my pill at the same time every day, the refills being handed to me. The inquiries about my period. I don't think Luke wants a baby. At least not this second, or maybe just not with me.
I'm back at Grind Me on Thursday working when I look up to find Boyd across the counter from me.
“Hey, Boyd,” I greet him.
“You’ve been ignoring my calls, little sister.” He smiles as he says it. “I’m sorry.” I pause. “I’ve had a lot going on.”
“Yeah. I remember college life. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than return family phone calls.”
“I wish it were that simple.” I groan.
Boyd frowns. “Listen,” he says, tapping an envelope I’m only now noticing on the counter. “I have to leave town for a b
it for work, and I wanted to take care of this before I left. Can you take a break? Or we can meet after your shift?”
We sit in a corner booth and Boyd slides the envelope across to me.
“What is this?” I ask, holding it between my fingertips.
“Your inheritance.”
“What?” I drop the envelope on the table in alarm.
“Your inheritance,” he repeats. “From our father.”
“That’s yours, Boyd.” I shake my head. “I don’t want it.”
Boyd shakes his head at me and runs a hand over his jaw. “He meant for you to have that, Sophie.”
I barely refrain from snorting. “He never even bothered to meet me.”
“I talked to my mom,” Boyd says. “She knew.”
I slump in the booth. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. I’d hoped she was oblivious to the fact that her husband cheated on her. But why did I wish that? So I didn’t have to feel guilty on my mother’s behalf? How stupid.
“I’m sorry, Sophie.”
Wait, what? “Why are you sorry? I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.”
Boyd laughs. “Why?”
“My mom had no business messing around with your dad. He was married.”
Boyd tilts his head and gazes at me for a minute. “Is that what you’ve been carrying around in your head these last few months? Sophie, we have nothing to do with anything that happened over twenty years ago between our parents. And if either of us should feel guilty for our parents’ actions, it’s me, not you. Your mom was barely an adult, yet as far as I can tell, she’s the only one who responded like an adult to a bad situation.”
“What do you mean?” I’ve never really looked at my mom that way before.
“My mom knew about the affair, Sophie. And she lived in fear, not of losing our dad, but of having her sham of a marriage exposed. She didn’t want to end up on the covers of the newspapers as yet another scorned political wife.”
“Can’t say I blame her, Boyd.”
He ignores me and continues. “When she learned your mom was pregnant she threatened to cut off our father’s campaign funding if he didn’t end it with her. Discreetly. Our father had a decent net worth by the time he passed,” he says, nodding to the envelope, “but my mother’s family has the real money. The kind of money you need to win a campaign.”
“So he chose his political career,” I fill in.
Boyd nods. “But I dug around some more. He never meant to write you out completely. Not financially at least. You”—he nods to the envelope—“were supposed to receive that when you turned eighteen.”
I center the envelope on the table in front of me. “Why didn’t I?” I ask, looking up at Boyd.
“My mother,” he answers with a grimace. “She had it buried. She knew with our father’s death that no one else knew about you. She didn’t count on a paper trail that would come back to haunt her.”
I blow the air out of my lungs. “I’m a mess, Boyd. I’m pregnant,” I blurt out and continue in a rush. “I’m pregnant. I’m just like my mother. I’m repeating the cycle! I’m gonna have a baby just like me. And half this baby’s family will pretend it doesn’t exist.”
Boyd leans back in the booth and tilts his head. “Are you pregnant with a married senatorial candidate’s baby?”
“No. Don’t be ridiculous. Luke’s the only affair I’ve had. The baby is Luke’s.”
“Luke’s married?”
“No!”
Boyd shakes his head. “Do we need to have a come-to-Jesus moment, little sister? How are you anything like our father and your mother?” Boyd asks, leaning his elbows on the table top.
“Because it wasn’t planned, Boyd. Luke doesn’t want a baby. And his family hates me.”
“Is that what Luke said?” Boyd scowls. “Is that what he said when you told him?”
“Well, no. He knew before I did.” Boyd’s eyebrows rise at this. “And technically he’s the one who told me.”
“And then he offered to set up a trust fund for the baby’s eighteenth birthday and kicked you out?”
“No! Then I left before he had the chance.”
“Oh.”
“I just, I feel like a burden. He didn’t ask for this.”
“Neither did you, Sophie. But you got in this together and you haven’t even given him the courtesy of discussing it like the adults you both are.”
Hmm. He has a point.
“You don’t need Luke, Sophie. If he’s not interested in participating in this baby’s life, you’ve got plenty of options in that envelope right in front of you, and you’re graduating in a couple of months. You don’t need anyone to take care of you. And no one is running you off except for you. Talk to Luke.”
Chapter 34
The cab drops me off outside the main entrance at Baldwin Memorial. The electronic doors whoosh open before me and I pause for a moment on the sidewalk. This is it. I need to talk to Luke and find out exactly what he's thinking. I'm having a baby, his baby. It wasn't in my plans, but it's happening all the same.
I take a deep breath. The sky is clear today, the air crisp with the promise of spring around the corner. It occurs to me how much is about to change. Graduation is in May, I'll be moving off campus, and sometime this fall I'll be a mother. I falter for a second on that thought. I'm going to be a mother—not someday, but this year—and the idea terrifies me.
I will be leaving a hospital, maybe this one, with a newborn baby thrust into my arms. I know I won't be a terrible mother, but what if I'm not a good one? What if I'm just passable at it? What if it doesn't come naturally to me and I make questionable parenting choices? What if I have to do this all alone?
The doors whoosh again and I take in a gulp of fresh air and walk inside. I bypass the welcome desk and head straight for the elevators, intent on my destination. The energy inside the hospital is so different from outside. It's sterile, sure, but palpable. It occurs to me as I hit the call button that I don't know for certain that Luke is here. I'm usually in class on Friday afternoons. Luke is here most of the time, as far as I can tell.
I exit the elevator on Luke's floor and make my way to his office, the smell of antiseptic stinging my nose.
"Sophie!"
The doctor from my stay here a couple of weeks ago approaches. "Sophie," she repeats. "I'm Dr. Kallam. I treated you when you were here," she says, searching my face for recognition. "Are you here to see me or Luke?"
Oh, right, she wanted to see me for a followup.
"Yes, I remember you, Dr. Kallam. I'm here to see Luke, but I guess I need to make an appointment with you? I have no idea what I'm doing," I find myself confessing, touching my stomach. Am I already messing this up? "I…" I pause. "Is it okay?" I look at Dr. Kallam for reassurance. "I'm not supposed to be doing anything special yet, am I?"
Dr. Kallam smiles at me. She's a beautiful woman, about Luke's age. I feel a twinge of annoyance that Luke is surrounded by so many attractive women at work, all more competent than me in this baby business.
"It's still early, Sophie. I'd like you to start a prenatal vitamin, cut out any alcohol and caffeine and get plenty of rest. That's enough for now and you'll need to start regular appointments with your primary OBGYN."
I shake my head. "I don't have one."
"You can make an appointment with my office or Luke can provide you a list to choose from. I'm surprised he didn't explain this to you." Dr. Kallam tucks a piece of perfectly curled hair behind her left ear and gazes at me questioningly.
"We haven't talked much," I offer.
She nods. "He's with a patient right now. I'll let you into his office. I'm sorry I allowed you to leave without us speaking, but Luke was very insistent that you have the opportunity to tell him yourself."
"I didn't know," I tell her as she unlocks his door and we sit in the chairs across from Luke's desk. "I had no idea. I've taken my birth control religiously. He thought I knew?" I look to Dr. Kallam for confirma
tion.
She pauses then nods. "It was really important to him to hear it from you."
"Why? He's made a career out of telling women they're pregnant."
"He has." Dr. Kallam smiles at my description of his work. "I imagine he didn't want you to feel pressured."
"He wanted me to decide if I would keep it without his influence?"
She nods slightly before speaking. "I've been friends with Luke for a long time," she says before trailing off, leaving me to fill in the blanks.
She gets a page then and stands. "I've got to run, Sophie. Please call my office and get on my schedule or let me know if you need a referral."
She leaves, a whiff of her perfume lingering behind her as the door shuts, and I'm left alone in Luke's office. I tap my fingers on the chair edge and stare at the low bookcases along the wall. Above them is a corkboard running the length of the wall filled with pictures of babies, and upon closer inspection, what looks like thank-you letters from new parents. Gah, I know nothing about babies. I stare at the pictures for a moment. They're so small. How does one even dress something that small? I examine the shelves underneath looking for a baby manual of some kind. It's mainly medical journals but I locate a few copies of What to Expect When You're Expecting. They look new, as if Luke keeps them for potentially overwhelmed pregnant patients. He probably doesn't need to read any of this himself, having memorized it in medical school. At least one of us has a clue.
I slide a copy off the shelf and move around to Luke's chair so I can lay the book flat on his desk. Why is this book so big? I'm overwhelmed as I turn to the first page and even more so by the time I reach page twenty. I need to take notes. I glance around Luke's desk for something to write on and, coming up empty, open the desk drawer.
My eyes take in the contents, but my brain is on slow motion trying to process what I'm seeing when there's a tap on the door followed by Gina breezing in like she's entitled. I close the drawer and watch as the smile she had reserved for Luke falls off her face.
"Snooping in Luke's office, Sophie? Have a little class, would you?"