Prettyface.
Bristle was going to see his best friend Grunt, and what could be better than going to see a good friend? He was happy, so he sang as he skipped along the narrow path in the forest with his pigs trotting behind. He loved his pigs. They were fat and well fed.
Hey diddle-le-dee, I think I’ll have a pee,
Hey diddle-le-dum, I’ll have another one!
He was pleased with life so he sang louder than ever.
Hey diddle-le-dee, I think I’ll have a pee!
Hey diddle-le dum, I’ll have another one!
He, like his friend Grunt, was a member of the Shee, that’s the organisation that governs fairies. He was the strangest fairy you’ve ever seen; ugly, dressed in rags with his chin covered in bristles and long straggling hair. He reached the meeting place, stood in the middle of the clearing and shouted, ‘GRUNT!’
There was no answer, so he looked around and thought, ‘I bet Grunt’s hiding.’
The only thing he could see was a fresh smelly cowpat. He looked closely. It was covered in flies. One of the flies was bigger than the rest.
‘Grunt!’ he yelled, ‘I see you.’
The flies disappeared and an ugly old man appeared with a herd of pigs. Grunt was ugly, small like Bristle, and he had a long straggly beard and long tatty hair. He was dressed in filthy rags.
‘Bristle!’ he shouted, ‘Well spotted. You look great!’
The two old friends hugged each other and danced around the clearing.
Then Grunt started boasting, ’I’m a great magician. The best in the land!’
Bristle was annoyed. ‘You’re a good magician, but I’m better than you,’ he said, as he turned himself into a golden eagle.
Grunt didn’t like anyone arguing with him so yelled, ‘You’re a jumped-up nothin! I’m a better magician that you!’ He quickly turned himself into a dragon, a butterfly, an owl, a snake, a mouse, a raven and back into his normal body.
Bristle snorted, ‘That ain’t nothing!’ He turned himself into a dog, a cat, a tiger, a lion, a rat, a vulture and then back into his own body.
‘That’s nothing!’ shouted Grunt, turning himself into a dragonfly, a tiger, a wren, a monkey, a flea that bit Bristle, and finally into a fish, which jumped into the river before turning back into Grunt. He stood in the middle of the clearing with water dripping from him.
Bristle laughed and laughed! ‘Ha! Ha! ha! Hey diddle-le-diddle, Grunt is leaking piddle!’
That made Grunt rage, so Bristle shouted it more loudly, ‘Hey diddle-le-diddle, Grunt is leaking piddle!’
Grunt was cross because he was proud of being able to last all day without needing a piddle. He flew into a temper, rushed at Bristle, threw him to the ground and bit him. The two old friends began to fight. They fought day and night until they became exhausted.
Grunt quietly put a spell on Bristle’s pigs so they became thinner and thinner. Bristle’s employer looked at his once healthy pigs and scolded. ‘You’re a no-good lazy fairy. If your pigs don’t look better soon, I’ll sack you.’
Ha! Ha! Ha! Look at Grunt leaking piddle!
His pigs didn’t get better. They got worse and Bristle was sacked. He crept away into the darkest part of the forest, sat down and cried. ‘Oh dear!’ he moaned. ‘I took good care of my pigs, now look at them! They look as if they’re dying. What happened?’
Suddenly he realised Grunt had put a spell on them. He was furious, so he put a spell on Grunt’s pigs and Grunt lost his job, too.
Grunt guessed what had happened, found Bristle and stood shaking his fists and shouting. ‘My bum looks better than your face!’
They started to fight. The noise of their battle disturbed the countryside for months. Eventually, they disappeared and there was silence!
Some time later a couple of men saw two ravens fighting in County Roscommon. They watched until one said, ‘Those ravens remind me of Bristle and Grunt!’
There was a sudden flash, the ravens disappeared and the two ugly old fairies appeared.
One of the men asked, ‘Who are you?’
‘We’re Bristle and Grunt, the fairy pig herders.’
‘Tell us what happened to you.’
Bristle said, ‘The Shee (do you remember that’s the organisation that governs fairies?) decided we would give them a bad name so they put a spell on us. We have to be animals and fight forever and ever. We’ll cause wars.’
‘We’re sick of fighting,’ sighed Bristle, ‘Every time somebody spots us we have to change shape. We don’t remember what we are!’
Then they changed into water animals and jumped into the River Suir.
Years later the Men from Ulster and the Men from Connaught had a party. Unfortunately they drank too much mead and began to fight. They were so drunk that fighting became impossible because they kept falling down.
Two warriors appeared and one offered to act as Champion for the North, the other for the South. They fought for three days and three nights until the effects of the drink wore off and the men joined the fight again.
News of a great war between Ulster and Connaught spread throughout Ireland, and warrior troops arrived to join the battle. Hundreds of men were killed, along with four kings.
The battle raged until the men became fed up and realised their champions were Bristle and Grunt.
The Men of Ulster crept back over the border to Slieve-na-man. (That’s a mountain in South Armagh. Its name means ‘Mountain of the Women’.) Bristle and Grunt turned into two huge shadows who jumped out on people, scared them and caused them to wet themselves, or die of fright.
Eventually they tried to scare an old woman who was walking past a graveyard by leaping out from behind the wall and screaming.
She was so old she was ready to die, so she laughed! ‘Ha! Ha! Ha! You don’t scare me! You’re Bristle and Grunt! Ha! Ha! Ha! May the fleas of a thousand donkeys jump on your bums and may your arms become too short to scratch!’ She laughed and laughed until tears ran down her cheeks.
Bristle and Grunt were ashamed. They felt they’d made fools of themselves. They turned into eels and disappeared.
Bristle travelled as an eel to a spring in County Connaught, where he met nasty Queen Maeve. (She was so posh she had a slave to wipe her bottom after she did a poo! Once, when she was fighting a battle with Cuculan, she got caught short and disappeared behind a bush and did such a big piddle and poo the place is called ‘The Place Of Queen Maeve’s Foul Deed!’ It’s up Knocknaree Mountain. Do you remember Cuculan and Queen Maeve from the story about the Murderous Morrigan?) Bristle was swallowed by one of her cows and reborn as a beautiful white calf, which grew into the finest white bull in the whole of Ireland.
The white bull didn’t like Queen Maeve, so he went to live with her husband. She was very annoyed! She wanted a prize-winning bull, so she gathered an army and marched on Ulster to steal a brown bull belonging to a chieftain called Dara. She didn’t know, but that big brown bull was really Grunt! He’d gone into the River Cronn on the Cooley Peninsula, where he was swallowed by one of the Dara’s cows. It gave birth to a brown calf, which became the finest brown bull in the whole of Ireland. Grunt was sick of fighting so he became an unusually good-tempered bull. He was huge. Two hundred men of Ulster could sleep in his shadow. He sang to them at night and allowed children to play on his back.
Dara lived on at Dulargy. (The remains of his home are still there and may be seen if you drive towards Carlingford, go past the Ballymascallon Hotel and take the road on the left towards Dulargy. Look for a mound on the right side of the road a short distance from the main road to Carlingford. A modern bungalow has been built into it, but you can still make out the ancient remains of Dara’s old dwelling place.)
When Dara heard Queen Maeve intended to steal Grunt he hid him in a stockade behind what is now Ravensdene School and gave him nine cows to keep him company. Grunt enjoyed talking to the girls and sleeping in the sun, until the Morrigan saw him and shouted, ‘Look at y
ou! You big soft edjiot! What do you think you are? A pussycat? You should be ashamed of yourself! Ulster’s being attacked and what are you doing? Lazing around enjoying yourself! Remember you’re a bull, move your bum. Get up and FIGHT!’
Grunt was annoyed. He jumped up, shook the children off his back, pawed the ground, broke out of the stockade and headed south. When the brown bull met the white bull they fought and fought. The brown bull killed the white bull, but he was badly hurt. He managed to stagger home before his great heart gave out but he dropped dead near Banbridge and that was the end of Bristle and Grunt.
Do you think you’re a pussy cat? Get out there and fight!
Irish Animal Folk Tales for Children Page 7