“If she's harmed them, I'm getting even!” said Lukus, nearly in tears. He looked away to the grove of peppermint trees downwind and sighed. “All right Rose. Let’s go hitch up the feathered walrus so he can lumber about in the air and work up an appetite so that we can have another task which might work off a teensy bit of our debt to our dear old Auntie. Then maybe in about a hundred years, she’ll release us from bondage.”
“Lukus, maybe we should just tell her who we are. If she knows, then maybe she won’t expect us to do anything to repay her. She might even be glad we came all the way here to see her, since probably no one ever has.”
“Right.” he said, pacing a tight circle. “That's certainly something we might want to consider, but do we really know it's a good idea yet? If Father banished her at Grandfather Razzmorten's urging, she just might be less nice to members of our clan than to utter strangers. We could try to talk to her about things. You know, like how she feels about being banished, shunned and forsaken by her entire family…that sort of thing.”
“Mercy Lukus, let's forget that notion! I suppose we'd better get back inside and prepare that great lump of crow dung for his aerial adventure.”
“Yea. Let’s heave the black blob into the sky. I've always wanted to see a solar eclipse.” he said as they burst into laughter on their way to the corpulent crow inside the cottage, who was by now quite out of patience.
Chapter 36
“So,” said Hubba Hubba. “Just how much of the time which you just spent outside was actually taken up by deciding if your unicorns were indeed gone? At this rate, I’ll be lucky to get into the air before Ugleeuh gets back. Why, she might not even see me up there and crash into me. Chaos and mayhem. I’d be dead and you two would be to blame. She'd never get over it. She'd never forgive you. Never let you go if she even let you live.”
“Don’t you dare threaten us with that old sow witch of yours, Lard Ball!” shouted Lukus, lunging at him with a stamp. “What I want to know is what the old bat's done with our unicorns. She has no right to take them! She could hang for it, don't you know. Where are they? She has no...”
“Careful there snot,” he said as he leant forward, following Lukus's movements minutely. “You’re repeating yourself. And I'd also advise you to be cautious about how you speak to me and how you treat me, because Ugleeuh will hear of it. In fact, she's told me to give her a complete report of your entire behavior upon her return, and I must say that it's not very favorable, so far.”
“Look 'ee here, you feathered sack of dung...!” shouted Lukus with another stamp in his direction.
“Lukus!” said Rose. “He's no doubt telling the truth about reporting everything to Ugleeuh. You've seen how she treats this winged hog. You can bet that we'll pay when she gets back if she doesn’t like what she hears. I'd just like to do what we came here for and then go home. Don't lose your head and have us end up as prisoners here for years on end.”
“You're right. You're right Rose. Me too. Filth and pin feathers, here, just rubs me the wrong way. Very well then. Let’s hitch him to his sparrows and launch him.”
Rose turned away to fetch down the strange harness. “All right,” she said as she held it up in front of Hubba Hubba. “I’m not quite sure how this thing works, but it looks simple enough, if you just stay right still.” She dropped it to her side with a scowl and shook her finger.” And don't you dare try to bite me.”
Hubba Hubba cocked an eye in Rose's direction and sat quietly upright on his perch, allowing her to fumble with the harness, fitting and fastening it over his layers of fat and feathers. She gently stuck a finger between the bottom strap and his tubby body to test for snugness. “So, how does it feel, Hubba Hubba, too tight?”
“It feels fine, at least as good as any contraption like this can,” he said, with a curious glance at her. “You've actually got it adjusted about the way it usually is.”
“Good,” she said. “Then I suppose we have no choice for our next step but to hitch up the sparrows.” She shuddered as she looked about and found them, shackled to their iron balls, pecking at crumbs on the floor. “So then, Hubba Hubba, just how does one wrangle venomous little birds into harnesses and make them do your bidding without getting poisoned in the process?”
He made no reply, but Rose's comment stopped all three sparrows at once. They gazed up at her, keenly absorbed in what she was up to. He leant forward, clacked his beak and leered at them, but the grumpy gesture caused them to break out in a titter. He ruffled up with a heavy shake and hoisted himself into an aloof posture.
Rose turned to Lukus. He shrugged, making it quite clear that he knew no more about the matter than she.
“Well,” said Hubba Hubba from under a half opened eye, “they might not be quite as deadly as Ugleeuh led you to believe.”
“Just how much risk is there to handling them?” said Rose.
“Practically none,” he said, almost meekly.
“Practically!” shouted Lukus. “What does that mean? Either the birds are dangerous or they aren't, Tubbo!”
“Name calling is very childish and rude,” said Hubba Hubba as he drew himself up on his perch, obviously stung by Lukus’s taunts about his corpulence. “It was not I, dear impetuous one, who told you that tale about the slaves, you know.”
“No, but you're the one who's refused to be clear about it, yet.”
“Lukus! None of this is getting us anywhere,” said Rose. “Hubba Hubba, are the sparrows poisonous or not?”
“Not in the least,” he sighed. “Chirp, Tweet and Squeak merely have small minds.”
“Good. At least that will speed things up,” she said. She hurried over to the wee thralls undoing them from their chains one by one and handing them to Lukus, who fastened each one into its little harness tethered to Hubba Hubba.
At last Rose knelt, allowing Hubba Hubba to gingerly step onto her shoulder while Lukus parked the sparrows along her outstretched forearm. She rose with the solemn care of one who is blindfolded and made her way to the door, which Lukus held open.
“Ready?” she said, once they were well clear of the porch. Without waiting for a reply, she lunged onto her tiptoes as she heaved her forearm toward the sky. The sparrows sprang into the air in unison, only to come to a jerking halt at the ends of their lines as Hubba Hubba swayed and dug his toenails into her shoulder. The sparrows stayed aloft flapping and pulling against his massive weight, trying to haul him into the sky. To help them as best she could, Rose grabbed him in the crook of her arm, rolled him off her shoulder and hove him with all her might into the air like an oil filled football. To her utter horror, it looked for a moment as though he would surely come back down and burst on the ground. At the last moment though, he recovered from the shock of being catapulted into the air and began desperately pumping his wings. Mere inches from the ground, the frantic gang of fowl began pulling skyward.
Soon Hubba Hubba and his entourage were up to speed, careening around in the air about the outbuildings. He couldn't possibly fly by himself, but his flapping was absolutely necessary for them to stay aloft, for any time he slowed his efforts, the group would sink. Before long, he was utterly winded and the sparrows had no choice but to follow him to the ground, beating their wings furiously to break his fall. When he touched down, he broke into a bounding roll across the yard, winding the sparrows tightly around him.
***
When Ugleeuh closed the door behind her, she found her dearest fast asleep on his perch, with his three little scullion sparrows below, busily pecking after the multitude of crumbs fallen from his after flight snack. She set her broom against the wall and put away her hat and shawl.
“Well,” said Lukus before she had managed to turn about, “we supervised the sparrows' weight lifting and fed Hubba the Slug for you, so where are our unicorns and when do we get out of here?”
Rose covered her face and said nothing.
Ugleeuh studied Lukus through a slit-eyed face as if she were deciding
amongst several hateful possibilities for him. “Did I or did I not tell you...” she began in a dangerous tone, as she advanced on him. Suddenly, she was completely thrown off by the shaking of the ground and the house. Crocks and bowls pitched forward into the room from their shelves by the doorway to the kitchen, and Hubba Hubba's perch toppled like a felled tree, flinging him to the ground amongst his terrified sparrows who fluttered and jerked against their balls and chain.
He lay sprawled on his back with his feet in the air, blinking and looking utterly dazed. “Hubba Hubba!” cried Ugleeuh, crooning through puckered leather lips, as she rushed to his side. “Are you hurt, precious?” Rose and Lukus were astonished that such kindly tones could possibly come out of her.
“How did I ever end up down here?” he said as he kicked the air with his feet.
Ugleeuh got him onto her shoulder, murmuring soothingly, then stopped short to glare at Lukus. “Don't get the idea that I've lost track of your insolent cheek, boy!” she barked, making him shudder.
Another rumble stopped them all wide eyed. In the midst of their hush, they heard the galloping approach of some ponderous beast. “Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes...yes...yes!” came a voice in time with the thundering feet. “More, more! More, more! More, more...more...more...more! Yum yum! Yum yum! Yum yummie...yum...yum!” he hollered, rollicking by the house and off into the distance. Rose thought it was a crazy man astride an elephant.
“Has to be Spark,” said Ugleeuh, stumping to the window, with Hubba Hubba swaying on her shoulder. “Particularly if... Oh yes. It was indeed the volcano. And there he goes.”
Rose and Lukus were dumbfounded. She motioned them to the window for a peek. They beheld in awe a fat naked dragon, bounding merrily into the distance toward a small mountain which was billowing steam and towering brown clouds at its peak.
“Where's the rider?” said Rose.
“What rider are you talking about?” said Ugleeuh.
“The one crying out, 'Yummie-yum!' as he rode by.”
“No. That was Spark himself. Delirious after fudge, ranting and raving. That's him. Silly beast is the sorriest excuse for a dragon ever hatched, but true dragon he be.”
“Dragon?” said Rose.
“Fudge?” said Lukus.
“Oh, you needn’t worry about old Spark,” said Ugleeuh. “He couldn’t light a candle and he only eats fudge if he can manage. That volcano spews out nothing but hot fudge. It erupts once or twice a month and goes quiet again. This is much bigger than usual, knocking over dearest and bursting up my dishes. A big eruption like this will drive him mad. There won't be any devastation.” She peered out the window. “Well give me a bit and we'll go. I'll just get my dearest settled back on his perch, we’ll have something to eat and then I’ll take you to the Fudge Volcano and introduce you to Spark.”
Rose and Lukus did not know what to think. One moment Ugleeuh was menacing and evil, and the next moment she could seem like some kindly old nanny. They were having fun with her when she wasn't scaring them. She fed them sukere cookies and mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream. Soon they were on their way, following her along a path through the woods in search of an impossible talking dragon and an even less likely chocolate volcano, and they still had not been told what they would have to do to repay her for saving them from the dorchadas. Rose hadn't found the courage to reveal who she and Lukus were, either. Something just didn't seem safe.
“Let’s go on, shall we?” barked Ugleeuh. “It'll be dark directly, and that lumbering dragon will have gotten all of the fudge that he can hold and will be long gone back to his cave by the time we get there.”
Rose noticed a pungent chocolate smell on the wind and saw that the shelf of brown cloud had grown until it was nearly overhead. She could see brown streams running down the mountain's slopes.
Lukus ran ahead and was battling a make-believe dragon when they found him. He held a peppermint twig for a sword in his right hand. In his left, he held an invisible shield. “Take that, you beast!” he huffed, as he thrust forth with his peppermint sword. “You cannot win, for I be Sir Lukus, dragon slayer for the Seven Realms, feared far and wide as undefeatable.”
Rose hid a smile behind her hand as Ugleeuh cleared her throat. “If you've slain your beast, boy, I believe that a real dragon still awaits us, if we haven't dallied too long.”
Lukus dropped his stick. “I'm right behind you,” he said, turning crimson.
Tremors from the volcano became easier to feel. The slope, which had grown as they neared the mountain, had now become a climb. They had risen enough to look out for miles over the tops of the peppermint trees. “Look at this!” shouted Lukus as he knelt by a brown rivulet, spilling over ropes of solid fudge. “It's chocolate! And it actually tastes good. Try some Rose.”
“Yea,” growled Ugleeuh. “And be quick about it.”
After climbing up a steep place, they came to where a couple of fudge flows had pooled before cascading over the side. At the edge of the pool they saw a fat dragon champing and swallowing huge chunks of the chocolate, utterly oblivious to their arrival.
“Spark!” hollered Ugleeuh.
Spark was taken by surprise and began choking. “Ugleeuh,” he said with watery eyes. “How wonderful to see you.”
“I'm only here to show these two what a fireless dragon looks like.”
“How could I ever do without your complements?”
“Happy to oblige, Spark,” she said, turning to Rose and Lukus. “He's certainly a lost cause as a dragon, but he does add to the woods, don't you think? So, since that's all there is to him, and it's getting dark, we need to get back. Hubba Hubba's undoubtedly hungry from his exercise flight.”
“Exercise flight?” said Spark. “If I'm a lost cause, what about that crow?”
“Yea?” cried Ugleeuh, planting her fury in his face. “You owe me! And that remark gets you sealed up in your cave with the rats and the roaches, away from any hope of hot fudge. Oh, I'll leave you a peep hole to see it with, flowing down the slopes out of reach. You've earned it.”
“Please!” wailed Spark. “You can't imagine how sorry...”
“You're right, I can't.”
“Ugleeuh! I was only teasing! You know how fond I’ve always been of Hubba- Hubba. He's a handsome bird. I apologize! I promise I'll never make light of him for the rest of my days. Please. I'm much more useful out in the air.”
“I hadn't noticed.”
“Here I am, entertainment for your guests...”
“Guests can peer through peep holes.”
“You aren't serious!” cried Rose. “Surely Spark can have another chance.”
Ugleeuh threw back her head with laughter which stopped short as she turned to Rose. “There's a great deal you don't know about this naked beast, girlie,” she said. “Very well Spark. Let's humor my guest, but I've no room in my woods for failures.” And with a glare like the wavering shades of red which pass across the face of a coal in a fire, she started down the mountain, giving Rose and Lukus impatient shoves as she stamped by.
The louring pall of chocolate cloud had by now fanned out over the countryside, causing it to grow quite dark with the setting sun, as they followed Ugleeuh down the path. An unseasonably chilly wind whipped around the side of the volcano, causing a mist of fudge to speckle them. Rose picked at sticky flecks in her hair, eventually sampling one to find herself startled by its sweet taste, in spite of knowing that it had rained out of the volcanic vapors. Soon it was pitch black, forcing them to navigate by the sound of Ugleeuh, scuffling gravel ahead of them, as they stumbled and fell, trying to keep up. “Oh say, Ma’am?” said Lukus, as he flailed his arms and slid through the rocks and talus to stay on her heels. “How come that dragon can talk? Is he enchanted? I mean, is he one of your creations, like your shaking cow?”
“If you think that I'd create such a loser for a dragon, you insult me boy,” she said, making him shudder even though he could see that she was flattered b
y the question. “The only reason Spark can talk is that he's really a kind of degenerate bird. All birds have language, after all. Most kinds simply have better things to do than to master human speech. Spark belongs to the adar drwg, a very ancient scion that includes gryphons, harpies and dragons, which branched off the lineage of birds in the earliest ages. Of course as far as dragons like Spark go, I think they ought to be mute. At any rate, his kind branched off the main line long before there was any chance of having the traits of Hubba Hubba's kin.”
“Dragons and birds are related?”
“Weren’t you listening, boy? Do you want answers bad enough to pay attention?”
“Well since you’re answering questions,” he said as he squeezed between two big rocks, “what's happened to our unicorns, what must we do to repay our debt to you and how much longer must we be here?”
Ugleeuh stopped short to face him in the chocolaty blackness. “Maybe it's time to discuss such things,” she said. “I've several questions of my own that need answering. Once we get back and see to my dearest and have a bite to eat, we shall talk. Now, get cracking.”
***
Rose and Lukus sat with Ugleeuh at her small peppermint table, as shadows from the candlelight jerked and wavered along the walls and timbers overhead. They had eaten more sweets than they were used to eating in a month, and these were sweetened with sukere, which they never got at home. Rose stifled a yawn with her hand.
“Weren't we to discuss things?” said Rose.
Ugleeuh studied them with the keen-eyed stillness of a snapping turtle waiting for a fish.
“Yea. I hope you can stay awake for it, missy.” she said.
Rose sat up at once.
“All right. Your unicorns. I set them free. I didn't like them gnawing on my hitching rail. Anyway, you needn't worry. They'll not leave the forest, because I put a staying enchantment upon them. So, unless someone tells them otherwise, they'll stay within the boundaries of my forest.”
Heart of the Staff - Complete Series Page 36