by Ruby Dixon
The word is like poison in my veins, polluting everything.
I head inside the station, but as I pass by Sophie's room, it's empty. My gut churns a little more. Maybe she's in the terrarium with her pet. I keep my hopes up for that option, even as the scent of askri noodles fills the air. Those are my favorite, even though I've never indicated it to her. She must have figured it out from our meals together, and it's like another punch in the chest. She's not going to leave me alone to muddle through my thoughts. She's going to force me to confess my stupid infatuation with her and embarrass me even more.
When I march down the hall, I see her in my quarters, stirring the noodles. She looks up at the sight of me, her expressive eyes full of emotion. She looks sad. Yeah, well, that makes two of us. I don't want to share a bowl of FRIENDly noodles with her. Instead of heading into my quarters, I go straight to the lavatory and turn the shower on. I strip off and step under the hot spray, hoping that it'll take my mind off things. Or better yet, that Sophie will get the hint and leave me alone.
There's a knock at the lavatory door.
Because of course there is. "Go away," I call out from the shower. "I'm trying to wash up in peace."
The door rattles and I bite back a groan as Sophie pushes it open. I turn my back to her, covering my cock. "What the kef are you doing?"
"I'm coming in since you won't talk to me." Her words are brave, but there's a wobbly note in her voice. "You helped me shower, now it's my turn to help you."
I sputter at that. "I don't need help."
"I don't care." I hear the sound of Sophie stripping off her clothing and her boots hitting the floor. A moment later, she comes around the barrier and moves to my side. "Look at me, please."
I've been staring grimly at the gray metal walls of the station so I don't have to make eye contact with her. "Sophie, let it go."
"No." She sucks in a deep breath. "I messed up. I shouldn't have said that. About being friends."
I glance over at her. I can't decide if this is getting worse or better.
She crosses her arms under her breasts and it pushes them up, forcing me to notice them. Her skin is pebbled with bumps all over, and I realize she's cold. With a sigh, I take her by the shoulders and maneuver her under the warm spray. "Say what you have to and then get out."
"I don't know what I want," she blurts. The look she gives me is desperate. "When I first…got free…" She swallows hard and looks away, her expression stark.
"You don't have to say anything," I break in gently.
"I do. I do." Sophie sucks in a deep breath. She meets my gaze and offers me a timid smile, and then continues. "When I got free…I was so full of anger and hurt that I didn't want anyone to ever touch me again. I didn't want friends. I didn't want to get close to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. That was why I liked being with the va Sithai brothers. They fed me and gave me somewhere to sleep and then went about their day. I haven't met a lot of aliens that didn't want me to just jump into bed with them. Most think I'm just good for sex."
I grunt.
"But after a few weeks of freedom, all that anger and frustration turned into fear." She shivers again, and I realize it's not the atmosphere as much as Sophie's just full of emotion. Her mouth works, as if she's having to consider her words carefully, and she averts her gaze. "I've been scared ever since, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm scared of."
"Going back?" I offer.
"No. I'll kill myself if that happens," she tells me bluntly.
Now I'm the one scared. "No, you won't—"
"Don't tell me what to do, Jerrok. And don't interrupt me." She lifts her chin and gives me a stubborn look.
I fight back a smile. This is the dumbest conversation to have in a shower, but I don't want her to stop talking. I like that she's being stubborn. I like that she's showing some spirit. I know it's difficult for her, so I give her a small nod. "All right. No interrupting."
Sophie takes a deep breath and stares at my chest. Then, she exhales deeply and meets my gaze. "I've been scared of everything for a while. That's not who I am. At least, it's not who I think I am. But I can't seem to snap out of this funk, this constant fear that everything I've fought so hard for is going to disappear out from under me again." She blinks rapidly and then offers a meek addition. "And…I like you, and that scares me."
"I…like you, too. You had to jump into the shower to tell me that you like me? As you said, we're friends."
"No." She licks her lips nervously. Then she takes a half step forward and puts her hand on my chest. "I mean, I like you, Jerrok. The friends thing was stupid. I only said that because I couldn't think of anything else to say. My mind just blanked out. I don't think of you as just a friend. Adiron is a friend. Mathiras is a friend. Kaspar is a friend. But I've never gotten into the shower with any of them. I've never crawled into bed with any of them." Sophie traces a little line down my chest, following a bead of water as it moves over my pectorals. "But…I can't seem to help myself around you."
My throat goes dry. She…”likes” me? She is attracted to me? Jerrok un'Rok? It can hardly be believed. And yet…she says she has never joined any of the va Sithai in their beds and she has slept curled against me several times now.
The thought of her sharing a bed with one of them fills me with a strange, possessive frustration. I want to grab her and growl at the thought of them touching her. I want to shake Adiron if he ever thinks of even getting close to Sophie. I want her to be MINE. I want her to be mine with a ferocious intensity that makes my entire body tremble with the force of it.
And all the while, she touches my chest and gazes at it instead of looking up at me.
"I really do wish you would say something," she whispers.
I try to think of something to say. Something that will tell her all the things I have been starting to feel. Something that will show her what she means to me. How quickly she has wormed her way into my heart. I clear my throat and say, "I do not want you to be afraid."
She looks up at me, her eyes so deep and rich with color. "I'm not afraid when I'm with you."
Pride—and lust—blooms in my chest. I want to grab her and press her against the wall and just drive between her thighs, pumping furiously. I want—
"Well, actually, no that's not true," Sophie continues.
My heart stutters. "It…it's not?"
She bites her lip again and traces a little pattern on my chest that makes my cock twitch in response. "I want to kiss you but I'm also afraid of kissing you."
"Why?" I manage hoarsely. I'm having trouble thinking past the gentle touches on my chest, the hunger roaring through me. I wish she'd drop her hand lower, explore my shaft, caress my sac, just keffing touch me all over.
"Because I'm afraid of everything," Sophie confesses with a timid little smile. "I'm afraid of what it'll mean if I get addicted to kissing you. I like sleeping in your bed and I like eating with you and talking to you. I like scrapping with you. And I guess all of that scares me, because…if I like it too much, I'm going to lose everything all over again when the va Sithai brothers come back to pick me up."
I don't want to think about them returning. I want to keep her here with me…always. But I know it's not my decision, it's hers, and she doesn't want to stay on an abandoned asteroid in fringe-space with only me as company. There's no way. My heart aches a little at the thought, but I'm not surprised. I study her, and the way she's watching me with that crease in her brows that says that she's worried. The hand that rests on my chest twitches, uneasy, and with every second that passes, Sophie looks more and more ready to bolt.
It's taken her a lot to confess this, I realize, and I need to say something to reassure her. "Do you want to stop? Kissing?"
She thinks for a moment and then shakes her head. "I liked it. It's been so long since I liked…any kind of touch. But…"
The word hangs in the air. But she's still scared. I know what that's like. She's afraid to hope for anything in
case it all gets yanked away from her once more. Sometimes I think I understand Sophie so well because trauma's turned us into the same person. We just show our wounds differently. "Maybe we take it as slow as you want?" I suggest. "If you want to kiss me, you can. If you want to skip it, I'll understand. And if you want to sleep in your bed instead of mine, you don't have to explain anything. I won't press you about it. You can take the lead as much as you want."
The urge to reach out and brush my fingers against her skin is overwhelming, but I don't want to pressure her in even the slightest of ways. Sophie needs to feel secure, so I'm going to let her set the pace for the next while. If it means it takes days—or weeks—before she kisses me again, then so be it. I want her to kiss me because she wants to, not because she feels like she must.
"You won't mind going slow?" Sophie asks.
Mind? The hope of kisses versus no kisses at all? It is an easy choice. "No, I don't mind."
She smiles shyly at me, her fingers tracing along one of my scars and making me dizzy at her touch. "I didn't even ask if you liked me, too."
"I do," I rasp, struggling for control. Kef me, what I wouldn't give to just turn her around and spread her thighs and…no. I close my eyes. "I am also not very good at this sort of thing."
Sophie chuckles. "Then we're a pair, aren't we?"
"We are indeed."
She pats my chest and then drops her hand. "I made you dinner. You'll come out and eat it?" When I nod, she beams at me and steps out of the shower, putting her clothes on again. I am disappointed…and not. She is not ready for more, and that is all right.
For now, I have the promise of more kisses, and I will take it.
41
JERROK
The noodles are a little soggy after boiling for so long, but I do not complain. Sophie made a meal for me, and it is the best-tasting thing I have ever had.
She sits across from me, smiling as she eats dainty bites, and I think about the shower. How she came in after me and insisted on apologizing. My heart squeezes when I think about her shy confessions, and I vow I will do better to talk to her, too. My normal response is to shut down, to wound with words, to attack before I am hurt myself, but Sophie doesn't deserve this. She is just trying to figure out her way through a muddle of confusing feelings.
I know what that is like.
Sleipnir paces next to her legs, sliding his sinuous body around her over and over again and watching her eat with a plaintive expression. I lower my bowl and wipe at my face with my sleeve, then gesture at the carinoux. "He seems hungry."
"He is." Her cheeks redden. "I thought I'd wait to feed him until after dinner, so you and I can have some time alone." She smiles at me and then hastily adds, "To talk, of course."
"Of course." I don't point out that the carinoux has no problems with us talking. That we're talking right now. But I'm also not stupid. If she has some sort of plan for after dinner, I want to see what it is.
We finish our meals, and I do my best not to make as much noise when I eat. Occasionally, I smack or slurp a bit too loudly and she looks up at me, which makes me think perhaps my manners aren't the best. I've always eaten quickly, because growing up, I was always afraid that another station rat would see me eating and try to steal my food. When I was in the military, ration bars were in ready supply…until they weren't. When we were under siege on Thresh III, food became scarce, and you learned to choke down anything you could chew on, just to survive. Now that I'm here on my station, alone, there's been no point to eating politely.
But for Sophie, I'm willing to try.
Once the dishes are put into the small cleanser unit, Sophie feeds the carinoux. We both watch in silence as he takes the slab of raw meat and pads away with it, off to hide in a corner and eat privately. When he's gone, I look over at her, and she gestures at the door. "Want to go sit in the other room?"
"I…guess?" Sitting one place is as good as another, isn't it?
She takes my hand, though, and leads me away. I follow after her, fascinated at her touch. She just reached out and took my hand like it was nothing. No one ever does that. Sophie touches me like I'm hers. We head into the room that she's been working on clearing out, and there's a long bench along the wall that I've never particularly paid attention to. "I'm going to make you some pillows to make this softer," she tells me. "More inviting to sit on." And she curls up on one end of the bench and pats the seat next to her, indicating I should join her.
I like that she's thinking about ways to improve my home. It's almost as if she wants to stay, and I'm filled with utter yearning at the thought. Having Sophie at my side…forever? That'd be a dream. I sit down next to her, feeling awkward, and look around. There's still crates and crates of random things stacked into a corner, but for the most part, the room's cleared out. I notice the empty shelves in the back of the room, the perfect size for Sophie's books, and then I remember the other human things that were in a container. I'd brought the crate back in here after pulling the books out, just to keep my workstation clear.
I jump to my feet, just as she reaches for me.
"Wait," she calls. "Where are you going?"
"I have more human things. I wanted to give them to you."
"Human things?" She sounds interested. "What sorts of human things?"
I shrug, pulling the crate out from the jumble and peeking under the lid to make sure it's the right one. When I'm satisfied, I heft it into my arms and move back to the bench. "Maybe you can tell me what they are."
Sophie's expression is eager as she sits forward. I hesitantly sit back down next to her, not wanting to crowd her if she needs space, but she puts her hand on my knee before leaning over to take off the lid, and just that small touch fills me with joy. She sets the lid aside and pulls the first thing out, wearing a puzzled expression.
I'm disappointed. I was hoping to see a look of delight on her pretty face. "It's not human stuff?"
"Oh, it is." She chuckles and flips the strange-looking gray square in her hand. "It's a video game cartridge. Not much use up here without an actual video game system." She holds it out to me to look at. "But it's fun to see."
I take it from her, but I'm not interested in examining it. My focus is solely on her, on watching her expression as she pulls out a small cloth pouch and giggles.
"What is it?" I ask.
"A purse!" Her smile grows even wider. "A really freaking hideous one, too." She smooths her fingers over what looks like a gaudy floral design. "Somewhere out there, there's a very angry grandma looking for her pocketbook."
"What's it for?"
Sophie grins over at me, undoing a fastening of some kind and opening the thing. "Empty. Figures." She shrugs and closes it again. "It's for holding keys, and your wallet, and your makeup, I guess. So you can have your stuff with you at all times."
"Make-up?"
"Cosmetics. Human women put powders and line their eyes and lips so we look more appealing."
"I don't think that's possible."
Sophie's eyes widen and her smile is as bright as a star. She leans forward and gives me another kiss on the cheek. I stay very still, not wanting to distract her. The press of her small mouth against my skin is…perfection. It's also over too soon. She gives me a shy look and turns back to the crate, picking through a few more things.
42
JERROK
The human things I've given her seem to be junk, for the most part. There's something called a “clock radio” and another flat disk called a record. There's a few paper photographs that she flips through, and a flimsy-looking paper book she calls a magazine that excites her. There are a few plastic things she calls “toys” and a dish. There's a “fork” and a bunch of black cables that seem to belong to nothing, and an old metal canister that she says once contained coffee. She sniffs it repeatedly, breathing in an earthy scent before sighing and looking over at me.
"Poor aliens. Someone thought they were getting treasures and instead, they got a bo
x of yard sale junk."
"It displeases you?" I'm disappointed. I wanted her smile to go on for days.
Sophie straightens and touches my arm. "Not at all. Thank you, Jerrok. You're so sweet. This stuff is not a big deal back home, but it brings me a lot of memories to see it. It makes me happy." Her smile grows brighter and she shifts, moving ever so slightly closer to me. "And you're the best for thinking of me and showing it to me."
"I like to see you smile," I manage, my voice gruff.
"There's a few things in here we can use." She gestures at the dish, and I notice she's keeping the purse slung over her shoulder by a long strap. Her gaze darts over me again, scanning my face before landing on my mouth. "And you always make me smile."
My cock takes that as a cue to stiffen, and I fight back a groan.
She looks up at my brow, and then brushes a strand of the way. "Do you want me to braid this for you? To keep it out of your face?"
I shrug. "If you like."
She pats my knee and jumps to her feet. "Wait here. I've got a comb and some ties in my room."
I do as she says, touching my nearly dry hair. I didn't think about it as I climbed out of the shower. Just wrung it out to get the worst of the water out of it and left it alone. There's normally no one to care what I look like, and eventually when it gets too annoying, I just tie it back with a scarf or a rag. But if Sophie wants to fuss over me, she can.
The human returns a few moments later, her eyes gleaming with anticipation. "Turn in your seat and I'll get to work on you."
I do, presenting her with my back, and I feel her move onto the bench, on her knees. Her fingers move through my tangled, damp hair and she makes a small sound in her throat. "Your hair is very thick."
What do I say to that? "I'm mesakkah."