“I am not afraid of men.” Mother chopped viciously at the dried fruit between her knife and the thick wooden tabletop. “There isn’t a man alive whose throat I wouldn’t slash in a moment if he came near you.” She raised the knife higher than was necessary and brought it down with a quick, hard slice.
Rapunzel’s stomach turned at seeing her mother like this. Her face seemed to go dark when she was in one of these moods. But if she could get her mother to tell her what had so turned her against men, then perhaps she could convince her that at least some of her fears were unfounded.
“Mother, did a man attack you when you were young?”
“No.” Her mother’s voice was a hiss. “I was never attacked. You don’t have to be attacked to be destroyed.”
Mother’s face was tight, her lips pursed, her eyes strange and dark.
“What happened?” Rapunzel asked softly.
Mother continued to chop. Finally, she stopped and looked at Rapunzel. “Men will tell you they love you, then they will leave you.” She pointed her knife at Rapunzel. “You must not trust them.”
“Yes, Mother,” she whispered. She plucked, plucked, plucked the feathers while the bald spot of chicken skin grew larger. “Did someone tell you they loved you and then leave you?”
Mother got out their tiny pouch of spices and used her fingers to take out several pinches of the pungent brown powder and throw them into the pile of walnuts and dried fruit on the table in front of her. “You don’t need to know that.”
“Mother, you know I love you. I would love you no matter what you did in the past.”
Neither spoke again while Rapunzel finished plucking the chicken and Mother finished preparing the pie, putting the top crust over it, and placing it in the edge of the hot ashes of the fire, while Rapunzel carefully dropped the plucked chicken into the boiling water.
“I wish you wouldn’t keep secrets from me.” Rapunzel kept her voice quiet, hoping not to anger her. As soon as she spoke, she remembered the very big secret she herself was keeping. She was being hypocritical. But she had long suspected Mother was keeping other secrets from her since she had told Rapunzel more than one version of how Rapunzel had come to be left with her.
Mother was slicing the bread she had brought home. She stopped and her shoulders stiffened. “Very well. Since you want to know so badly . . . When I was your age, I was just like you, Rapunzel. I wanted to get married.”
Rapunzel had not said she wanted to get married. But she did not interrupt Mother.
“I met a young man. I fell in love with him, and he told me he loved me. He said when he was able to make a little money and have a house, he would marry me.” Mother kept her back to Rapunzel, but she had stopped working and was standing still with her hands on the table, arms straight. “I was young. I believed he loved me. But it was all a lie. He got me with child, and then I never saw him again. He left me and went to England.” She spat the word like a bitter, unripe walnut. “He left me alone with my grandmother and never came back for me.”
Was he the person she had come back to Hagenheim to see?
Mother’s voice was breathy and hard-edged at the same time. “When I discovered I was with child, I sent him word, but he only said he could not come, that he was going to England to make his fortune with Lord Claybrook. He abandoned me.” Mother’s face contorted and she bent forward.
“Mother, I’m so sorry. He never should have done that to you.” Tears welled in her eyes, her insides twisting at the pain in Mother’s face. She held her breath as she waited for what Mother would say next.
“The baby was born too early. A girl. She died after a few hours. And then God gave me you.” Her voice broke and Mother’s body shook in a back and forth motion, as if she were laughing, as she made a wheezing sound. “God felt sorry for me, that I lost my baby and the man I loved. You were always meant to be my daughter, don’t you know that? You were mine, and I knew it from the moment I saw you.” She drew in an audible breath and stared at Rapunzel.
Rapunzel’s heart beat faster. Was Mother unwell? Perhaps she had let the moonlight fall on her face when she was sleeping last night. Hadn’t there been a full moon? Everyone knew that caused madness.
“Of course, Mother. Of course I was meant to be your daughter. And I am so sorry for what that man did to you. He should not have dealt with you so falsely.” This was why her poor mother had warned her over and over about men. She was still in pain from her broken heart. But it seemed as if there must be more to the story.
“Don’t you see?” Mother finally turned and looked at Rapunzel over her shoulder for a moment before turning her back on her again. “How foolish I was . . . foolish for falling in love with him, for believing that he cared for me.”
“You mustn’t be so hard on yourself.” Should Rapunzel go to her mother and put her arm around her? In the past she had learned that when Mother was angry, it was best not to get too close. “You could not have known that he would not honor his promise to you.”
Mother spun around, still holding the knife in her hand. “That is where you are wrong. I should have known. I never should have let him touch me. You must never let them touch you, Rapunzel.” Mother’s eyes were wide and strangely dark. Was she only imagining that Mother’s face was darker and somehow different?
“Of course, Mother. Do not upset yourself. I will not let anyone touch me.” Rapunzel’s stomach churned.
“But I am not the only woman who was lied to and abandoned. My own mother warned me. She warned me that men are not capable of love. She told me, but I didn’t listen. It happened to her too. She told me they lie to get what they want, and then they cast you aside. They have no real tenderness. You must not let them fool you.”
“No, Mother, I won’t.”
“And now I have the chance to set things right,” she went on. She shook the knife to emphasize her words. “To make him pay for what he did, for breaking his word. Not only him, but the son of the man who dealt so treacherously with my mother. I shall have my revenge on them both.”
The knife in her hand shook.
“Mother, please.” Rapunzel’s breath was so shallow she could barely speak. She willed herself to breathe more evenly. “You are upset. You cannot mean that you would harm anyone.” By the look on her mother’s face, her words were having little impact. “Mother, listen to me. If you harm that man, Duke Wilhelm will put you in the dungeon.”
She suddenly laughed, a harsh bark of a laugh. “Duke Wilhelm. He thinks he is so mighty and perfect.” Her face twisted in a hard look. “I have my reasons for hating him too.”
The look on Mother’s face sent a cold shiver down Rapunzel’s back. She had to take her mother’s mind off these torturous thoughts.
“I’m sorry I asked you about it. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please forgive me. We don’t have to talk about it anymore.”
Mother turned around again, her back to Rapunzel. “Never you mind about it. I-I never should have told you.” Her voice sounded almost normal again. “Perhaps we shouldn’t have come back here. Perhaps we should go.”
She couldn’t leave, not now that she was learning so much and was actually reading German and studying Latin. Surely her mother wouldn’t actually take revenge on anyone.
“But, Mother, it is good that we came back here. You are already gaining a name for yourself as a skilled midwife. You were paid handsomely today for a job well done, and you have two more pregnant women wanting your services. This is a good place for us, for you, for your business. We will prosper here. Don’t you see that, Mother?” She held her breath, waiting for her mother to respond.
“Perhaps.”
Mother hardly spoke while they finished cooking. Even their feast of chicken and pie was not enough to change her morose expression.
That night, when they lay down to sleep on their straw mattress, Rapunzel sang to her mother a slow, soothing song. When she could hear her mother’s even breathing, Rapunzel closed her eyes and
tried to remember some of the scriptures she had been reading from Sir Gerek’s Bible books. The lines, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus,” came to mind.
Father God, I am rejoicing that you have given me my wish, to be able to read. I want to pray continually, which I thought only nuns and monks were able to do, but I will try to do as well. And I will give thanks in all circumstances, and so I thank you even now, when I am worried about Mother. Thank you, God, for allowing Mother to safely deliver the puppies today, for the two women who wish for her to help them with their births, and I thank you that we have a house and food and a warm fire.
She felt a bit less worried when she finished her prayer. Then she added, And thank you that Mother will not do anything violent to that man, whoever he is.
Chapter Thirteen
Rapunzel sat reading with Sir Gerek beside the river. The sun was shining and glinting off the ripples of water. Sir Gerek looked behind them. Rapunzel turned to see what he was staring at.
Mother came running at them, a knife upraised in her hand.
Rapunzel stood to get out of her mother’s way. Sir Gerek stood, too, in spite of his splinted leg, and Mother raced toward him, screaming, “Don’t touch my daughter!”
Sir Gerek knocked the knife out of her hand, but Mother began clawing at his eyes—clawing them out and blinding him. Rapunzel lunged at her mother to stop her, but when Mother sidestepped, Rapunzel fell headfirst into the river.
Water closed over her mouth, her nose, her eyes. She struggled, pushing with her arms to free herself from the water.
Rapunzel opened her eyes; she was in her bed, pushing herself up onto all fours.
She collapsed, breathing deep draughts of air. It was only a dream.
A memory suddenly came to her. She was little. Blond curls hung about her face, falling in front of her eyes. She was in the trees. A boy, older than her—she had a feeling he was her brother—played nearby. She saw a pretty butterfly and followed it until she came quite close to the bank of a river.
Someone grabbed her leg and pushed her. She fell headfirst into the river. Just like in her dream, the water rushed over her. Then someone lifted her out. Rapunzel was so startled. She didn’t cry, but she looked to see who was holding her and saw Mother.
That was all she could remember. At least, it seemed like a memory, and not quite like the dream she had been having.
Mother stirred beside her, then began talking in her sleep. The only words she could understand were, “Not yours. Not yours. Get away. No.”
Perhaps there was a bad wind blowing outside, getting in the cracks of their drafty home and bringing them bad dreams. Or perhaps there was an evil spirit near them, causing these nightmares.
Rapunzel whispered, “Jesus.” Her heart seemed to slow as she said the name. She said it again. “Jesus.” She heard no sound from her mother. Rapunzel reached out to rub her back. Mother went back to breathing evenly.
Rapunzel drifted back to sleep.
The next morning, as they were breaking their fast with bread and cold chicken, Rapunzel silently practiced the Latin poetry Sir Gerek had made her memorize. When they were finished eating, she mended an old underdress while Mother put on her best dress. All the while, Rapunzel repeated the verses to herself, then another passage from the Bible that she had memorized in German. As soon as Mother left to go to Hagenheim, Rapunzel could run to the monastery for her lesson.
Rapunzel suddenly remembered her mother’s words from the day before. “Mother, you are not going to search for that man in Hagenheim today, are you? Please tell me you won’t harm him.”
Mother did not meet Rapunzel’s gaze as she folded some clothes that had been drying by the fire. Finally, she said, “I think you should go with me to town today.”
Rapunzel looked up from where she sat on the floor with her mending in her lap. “To town? Today?”
“It is very strange to me that you don’t want to go to town with me.” Mother narrowed her eyes. “I thought you liked it the one time you went. You’ve always wanted to go to Hagenheim, ever since you decided you wanted to read.”
“And I still want to read.” Even though she had learned to read German, she did still want to learn to read in Latin. “Being around all those people made me a little uncomfortable. I felt as though I might get run down by a horse or a cart.”
“You mustn’t be so fearful. As long as you’re with me, you’re safe. Will you work on your painting while I’m gone?” She still looked at her with suspicion.
“Probably.” Rapunzel would have to come back early from her lesson in order to get some painting done to tamp down Mother’s suspicions.
Finally, Mother left for Hagenheim, and Rapunzel wrapped her hair up and set out for the monastery.
As she approached Sir Gerek’s door, she heard a whistle. Glancing to her right, she saw Brother Andrew coming her way.
Her mind went instantly to what her mother had told her the day before, about what that man had done to her, how a man had betrayed her mother as well, that women were foolish for trusting them. Was Brother Andrew such a man? He was a monk, but was he trustworthy? Would he attack her to get what he wanted, the way those two men on the road had attacked her and her mother?
Her stomach twisted into a knot as Brother Andrew came toward her. She had the sudden urge to turn and flee. She placed her hand on her knife, her heart pounding in her throat.
He was smiling as he drew near. “Sir Gerek is waiting for you. I’ve just set him up in the sheep meadow so he can get a bit of sun. Come. I’ll take you there.”
Brother Andrew turned to lead her around the side of the monastery dormitory. Would he do something bad to her once they were on the other side of the building where no one could see them? She could hardly breathe as she followed him, her feet moving slower than his as she fell farther behind.
Were all of her mother’s dire prophecies about what men would do to her finally coming true? Would this be her punishment for deceiving her mother by coming to the monastery, amongst all these men?
As they turned the corner of the building, Sir Gerek was sitting in the middle of the open meadow, his leg propped on a stool with a blanket underneath as he sat in the sun.
Brother Andrew stopped and glanced back at her. “I will leave you to your lesson.” He turned back toward the monastery. He passed right by her with only a nod and a smile.
“Thank you,” Rapunzel said, breathing a sigh and pressing her hand against her chest to tell her heart to stop pounding so hard.
Her knees were weak and she tried to calm her breathing before facing Sir Gerek. How very foolish she had been for thinking such things about Brother Andrew. Of course he would not harm her. But all of Mother’s warnings had bombarded her at once. All of her dire predictions had filled her with fear.
Perhaps she and Mother were both mad.
As she continued to walk toward Sir Gerek, her mind flashed back to her dream. Sir Gerek was sitting just as he had been in her dream. Had she prophesied this? Would her mother come running and screaming toward them with a knife?
Rapunzel turned and looked behind her. No one was there. She looked back at Sir Gerek. Now that she thought about it, there was no river rushing beside Sir Gerek, and his clothes were not the same as in her dream. He also still wore his beard, whereas in the dream he had been clean-shaven.
Perhaps Rapunzel had slept with moonlight on her face last night. She would move their bed farther from the window when she got home. She passed a shaking hand over her forehead and cheek.
As she walked the rest of the way to Sir Gerek, she reminded herself that she could run away if he tried to attack her since he was injured.
Besides, she had been alone with Sir Gerek many times, although with his door open. His gruffness and arrogance had actually put her at ease. If he had been friendly and kind, she might have suspected him of wanting to trick or manipulate her
in some way.
As she approached him, he looked up from the book on this lap. “Very pleasant weather, is it not?”
“It is, although still a bit cold.”
He stared at her and finally said, “You aren’t smiling today. You’re usually smiling.”
“I am smiling, see?”
“Is your mother well? She did not find out you are coming here for lessons, did she?”
“No, she did not find out.” If she had, Rapunzel would not be here. She sat down.
“Shall we begin, then?” Sir Gerek opened the book and passed it to her. “This is where we stopped reading yesterday.”
She began. After a few moments, she stopped. “I don’t understand anything I’m reading. Perhaps I am too daft to learn Latin.”
She pinched her nose and closed her eyes. She shouldn’t be here. If Mother found out, she would be so upset, there was no foretelling what she might do. She should just go back home and stop trying so hard. What did it matter if she learned to read in Latin? Peasants had no use for Latin or reading or writing, especially peasants who were still living at home with their mothers who wanted to shelter them from the world forever. Besides, she was so suspicious of everyone because of Mother’s warnings, she could not go out among people without cringing in fear, as evidenced by how she had just behaved.
“You are not daft.”
Sir Gerek’s words startled her into looking up.
“You are very clever. I’ve never seen anyone learn to read as quickly as you did.”
He had never complimented her before. “You think I’m clever?” She stared at him openmouthed. But perhaps he was only flattering her for some sinister reason.
“I know you are. Now let’s get back to our lesson before you have to run off.”
Rapunzel concentrated harder than ever and learned many more Latin words by the time she realized she needed to go. When she left, she wished Sir Gerek a good day. He only grunted and nodded.
Good. He wasn’t turning kind and friendly. She didn’t have to like him or be too grateful to him—or fear she was falling prey to him as her mother feared—as long as he was grumpy.
A Melanie Dickerson Collection Page 62