by Lilly Black
Just like it was back at home, Jimbo held me down, and hunched over me like a dog on a leg. Afterward, I waited for him to fall asleep, stinking and snoring in my bed so I could go shower his filth off me. I saw blood in my panties after I took them off, but I wasn't surprised. I was still sore from Jobe, and even though Jimbo's privates are a lot smaller, it still felt like I had rug burns inside me. When I detached the showerhead to wash down there, even the water hurt. I guess it's what I deserve for being unfaithful.
I just don't understand it. I'm the one who tries to do everything right. Dani's a divorcee, Liana's a single mom who never even tried to find a new father for that boy when her husband died, and Olivia's sleeping with a man while her devoted husband is out there trying to make it home to her. At least two out of three of them are having premarital relations, and they're all just fine, but look what happens to me!
It isn't fair, and I'm so confused right now. I thought once Jobe started, he couldn't stop, but then Alek told me it wasn't true. I asked him about it when I ran into him this morning after Jimbo took the boys up to the pond to fish. I came to Olivia's office to write in this journal and found him in here folding up the pull out couch he still pretends to sleep on, and when I brought it up, and he swore that he was telling the truth.
"Men can control themselves, June," he insisted. "And if it starts to get difficult, they can take care of themselves."
Just like the first time he said it in the meeting about Jobe, the image of Alek touching himself popped into my head, and I started to feel weak and warm. I knew I should have ended the conversation there, but I let him go on because I think I'd let him do about anything he wanted. Besides, he was just trying to help me understand in his unashamed, liberated way.
"Maybe this will put it in perspective for you," he said. "Have you ever heard of the withdrawal method?"
I shook my head.
"It's a means of birth control where the man is inside the woman until the point of orgasm, then at the last minute, he pulls out and finishes on her stomach or back using his hand," he explained. "It's a shitty idea that will probably get you pregnant sooner or later, but lots of people do it."
He gave me a serious stare as I listened intently to him make his point.
"Lots of people," he emphasized, "and if a man in the throes of orgasm can manage to pull his penis out of a vagina, do you really think a man with a hard-on can't manage to stop himself from forcing it into one?"
Wow! I thought as I looked at him, totally dumbfounded. My mother, my father, my husband, and everyone in any position of authority in my life had always told me that men couldn't control this urge once it begins, and I had watched so many women and girls stand up in front of our congregation and apologize to the wives of men they tempted beyond their limits of control. So I believed it too, even when my secular friends - Olivia, Dani, and Liana - insisted that it was wrong.
I was lucky I even got to remain friends with them anyway. I had to assure my parents that I knew they weren't being raised right just to continue to hang out with them occasionally. One of Olivia's grandfathers was still pastor in the old church we used to go to and the other was a deacon, so I was allowed to stay over at her house once in a while because even though my parents considered their church too progressive, they still respected religious authority. Plus her mother never remarried after her dad died. With only her and her mom living there, I would be safe, unlike at Liana's house with all of her brothers or Dani's with her uncle. Funny thing was, Olivia's mom was the least religious of them all, and I always thought there was way more to her relationship with the woman who rented the apartment over her garage, but I never dared to say anything or I'd lose all access to my best friends.
I wish I could just go back to when we were kids. It's the last time I remember being truly happy. I miss playing house because everything was always perfect, and even though Liana and I usually got stuck being the husbands, I didn't mind. At night, sometimes we'd kiss and do other things, really just pretend to do other things because we didn't know exactly what husbands and wives did, but I was always a much better husband than Jimbo ever was to me. I was the kind of husband I wanted to have some day, and right now, I kind of wish I could just curl up in Dani's arms and fall asleep like we did back then. I could never do that with Jimbo because I don't love him and he doesn't love me. He owns me, and now that he's found me, I realize Olivia's right. There's no such thing as magic.
Day 27
It was early in the morning before the sun came up, and Olivia, Liana, and Dani were wide awake, sitting in Olivia's bedroom after Alek had gone to take care of the animals in the barn. Tonight at dinner, Jobe's fate would be decided, and Olivia was frustrated with the whole situation. June had been raped, and nothing about that was her fault. Of course, Jimbo Connors wouldn't see it that way. He would see it just like they did in some of the authoritarian Islamic theocracies where a rape victim might be killed for bringing shame on her family. It was shocking to Olivia how the people she knew who had the biggest problem with Islam had so much in common with their fundamentalists. The only significant difference as far as she could tell were the holy books, and based on everything she knew about both, neither was doing a very good job of interpreting them.
Olivia had never departed from the religion she was raised in, but now that the dead were eating the living, she was beginning to question everything. How could God let a man like Jimbo Connors find his family in the apocalypse while a loving husband and father like Reid was still out there somewhere unable to make his way home?
"I know what you're thinking," Dani said when she noticed that Olivia had gone silent as the three were discussing the potential outcome of tonight's vote.
"You do?"
"Well, I don't know exactly, but I'm sure it's about Jimbo, and I'm sure it isn't nice," she said with a laugh.
"It doesn't take a psychologist to figure that out," Olivia said.
"No doubt. I wish we were voting on whether to kill or exile his ass tonight instead," Liana said. "You wouldn't believe how bad he treats her."
"Did she tell you that?" Dani asked.
"I read her journal," Liana admitted. "I know I shouldn't have. I just wanted to be sure about Jobe before casting a vote that could take his life."
"What did she say about him?" Olivia asked.
"She said he forced himself on her, but she never used the word rape, and honestly, her journal gave me more questions than answers," she said, then she looked at Dani. "I know what you and Alek saw when you found them, but I can't stop thinking that maybe June needed it to look like rape so she wouldn't technically be cheating on her husband."
"Do you realize what you're saying?" Olivia asked, taken aback.
"Unfortunately," she said, then she sighed. "Look, you guys don't know her as well as I do these days. She talks to me more, and she's so scared of going to Hell, she can't even think straight. Their church is a cult. I went to it. They're fucking crazy, and they've really messed her up. I'm worried that maybe she told Jobe the only way he could have her was to just take it without asking so she wouldn't go to Hell for it, and let's face it. Jobe isn't really a preacher. He's a con man, so he wouldn't give a shit about Hell, and then when I think about how she needed us to literally twist her arm before she would even drink in Pittsburgh...." She looked down and put her head in her hands. "I know that sounds awful."
"Yeah, but if it's true, we kind of need to know that," Dani balked. "What if we vote to kill him?"
"Exactly," Liana agreed, then she looked up at Olivia. "Has anyone questioned Jobe? What does he have to say for himself?"
"I did," Olivia said, "and he just kept saying 'she wanted it', like when a rapist thinks he's doing his victim a favor..." But as she said the last part, she realized something. Just because that's how she took it didn't mean that's how he intended it. As she went back over the conversation in her mind, she scanned the memory of his face for a smirk or any other body language t
o indicate that he was guilty, but it wasn't there. He had looked at her with glazed eyes and said, 'she wanted it'.
"I have to talk to Jobe," Olivia said.
"Wait! Why?" Dani asked.
"What if Liana's right? What if her journal and her screams really are her way of spiritually covering her ass?"
"Does it matter?" Dani demanded. "What kind of man would do that?"
"If you had a rape fantasy, would Jax refuse you? What about Alek? What would he say?" Liana asked. She wasn't sure about Aiden because neither of them were sure about anything when it came to the other yet, but as Dani contemplated what Jax might say, Olivia was certain of Alek's answer - a firm, resounding "hell no!"
"I honestly don't know what Jax would say," Dani admitted, "but I get your point. It isn't fair to judge people's fantasies, not even the hardcore shit."
Liana agreed, and though she didn't fantasize about being raped, she was drawn to what she had been denied by her secret shame. She understood the desire to have a man take control of her, and she couldn't judge anyone else if they took that desire to an extreme level.
"But this fantasy could get a man killed," Olivia said, and because of that, she left immediately to talk to Jobe while Dani agreed to read June's diary to see if she took it the same way Liana did. As they went to the office to get the journal, Olivia hurried down the hall, through the lodge, and toward the storage shed where they were keeping Jobe. It was on the other side of the greenhouse, which was connected to the lodge kitchen, and it had originally contained soil and plant food, all of which had been moved out to create their makeshift jail. When she got there, she was instantly unnerved because there was supposed to be a guard. She didn't know who was on duty, but whoever it was had clearly abandoned the post. She pulled her gun out of its holster and turned off the safety.
"Hello?" she called out as she approached the door to the holding cell. No one answered. She turned the knob. It wasn't locked.
Fuck, she thought, knowing that no matter what, this meant a huge pain in her ass. Then she pushed the door open and inched inside, letting her gun lead the way. There was someone on the cot, curled up under the blanket, but when she flipped the light on, he didn't move.
"Jobe?" she asked as she poked at the body, keeping her gun trained on him just in case. He remained motionless, even when she reached out and pulled the blanket off to reveal that it was not Jobe at all. It was a man named Aaron who had been part of a smaller group that joined them after a scavenging mission.
"Aaron, are you okay?" she asked, but when he didn't respond, she put her gun away and tried to rouse him by shaking him. Gradually, he began to come to, and once he rolled over, she noticed his empty gun holster. "Aaron, what happened?"
"Huh?" he asked, disoriented as his hand went directly to the top of his head where he had a huge knot. Olivia pulled out her walkie talkie.
"Alek, I'm at the cell. The guard was incapacitated, and Jobe appears to be on the loose."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" he asked, furious.
"No. I'll explain more later, but for now, we need to find him."
"I'll lock everything down and start a sweep. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she said. "I don't know about Aaron, though. Could you get June to come take a look at him? I think he may have been hit over the head."
"Yes, ma'am," Alek said, and after they signed off, Aaron got his bearings and began to recount what little he could. He had heard a noise over by the pear trees in the greenhouse and when he walked away from the door to investigate, someone came up from behind and struck him hard on the head. The next thing he knew, Olivia was waking him up. He had no idea who it could have been.
Olivia waited with Aaron until June arrived to check on him, and they helped him back to the room he shared in the lodge with instructions not to fall asleep again because June was afraid he had a concussion. Once he was given some analgesics and turned over to the care of his roommates, Olivia looked down from the railing and saw that Alek and Liana were heading out with teams to start the search for Jobe, so she decided to use the opportunity to question June about the rape.
"Can we talk for a minute?" she asked.
"I should probably get back to my husband," June said.
"He can wait. You can't be outside until they finish the sweep of the inner ring anyway. Jimbo will just have to understand." Olivia led her down the stairs and into her private residence, but instead of going through the office where Dani might still be reading June's journal, she took her into her bedroom from the hallway.
"You know where that goes?" Olivia asked, pointing to one of several doors in her bedroom. June shook her head. "It leads to my office. In my office is a bed..."
"...where Alek pretends to sleep at night," June said.
"Yes. He does that because I can't stand the idea of people knowing that I'm in here sleeping with a man who isn't my husband," she admitted. "I know Reid is probably never coming back. He hasn't called me in weeks, and considering the state of the world right now, I don't think anyone would even care what Alek and I do. I'm just not ready to take that step. I'm telling you because I want you to know that I understand what it's like to feel like you're not free to follow your heart. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"I have no idea what you're saying," June insisted.
"I want to talk about Jobe and what happened to you, and I don't want you to think that I'm judging you in any way. I just need to know one thing. Did you ask him to do it?"
"I'm a married woman! I would never willingly cheat on my husband!" she hissed with a judgmental glare, but Olivia completely ignored her dig.
"Which is exactly why I'm asking the question," she said. "Listen, this is a hard conversation for me too. The idea of even suggesting that you were complicit in your own rape goes against everything I believe in, but this could end with a man being executed. We can't get this wrong.
"I'll be honest with you, June. I don't like Jobe. I think he's a disgusting human being who preyed on the weakness of others to get rich. I think he cowered up on top of his limo and let his wife die, and maybe he doesn't deserve to live for that, but that's not what he's on trial for. He's on trial for rape, and if they vote to execute, he'll die."
"He doesn't deserve to die for it," June said.
"Perhaps not, but I'll let you in on a little secret. If the community voted to exile him, do you know what I was going to do? The plan was for Alek and me to blindfold him and take him fifty miles out so he couldn't find his way back, but the truth is, I don't even trust that fifty miles would keep us safe. I'm sure he's heard enough about routes and nearby towns to find us if he wanted to. Exiling was never really an option." As Olivia said this, June's eyes grew large.
"You were going to kill him either way?" she asked, and Olivia nodded. "Why? Why would you do that?"
"For every man, woman, and child living here," she said unapologetically, and Dani, who had been listening through the office door, stealthily cracked it to hear better. "We have a great set up, and there are plenty of people out there who will want what we have if they find out about it - evil people who will kill us to take it. I can't have anyone out there who might be inclined to sell us out because they have a grudge. I'm talking about our safety, June. Our safety and our lives. Noah's life. Isaiah's life. Savannah's life. I would kill any man, woman, or child on this planet to keep her safe, so you can bet Jobe Stricklan doesn't have a prayer. Now what I need to know from you is would you really make a murderer of me? Because if Jobe raped you, I would feel no guilt about his execution, but if he didn't...if he didn't, I don't know if I could live with myself. So you need to tell me right fucking now if I'm planning to murder an innocent man."
As June stared into Olivia's face, her eyes rapidly tracking back and forth, she tried to come up with a scenario that would absolve her of guilt, but quickly realizing that telling the truth was the only option she had, she burst into tears.
"Oh, God!" Olivia cried as Dani
pushed the office door open and entered the bedroom.
"June, how could you?" she asked, her face twisted in anguish.
On the couch, June drew her knees to her chest, trying to hide her shame behind her hands as Olivia furiously paced, and Dani shot her a look, begging her not to start yelling. Frustrated, Olivia held her tongue.
"Come here, shug," Dani said in a motherly fashion, putting her arm around June and pulling her close. "Tell me what happened."
"I...I can't," she muttered between deep sobs, and Dani looked up at Olivia, motioning to the door with her eyes, suggesting that she leave.
"Oh, hell no!" Olivia snapped. "I'm not going anywhere. I was going to kill that man for you, June! I have more right to hear this than anyone, so you're going to start talking or I'm going to beat your ass until you do!"
"Not helpful!" Dani shouted, but she was wrong. June wasn't raised like the rest of them. She responded to authority. Her dictatorial stance is how Olivia got her to crack in the first place, and though Dani was an excellent psychologist with a doctorate, she had trouble applying her academic knowledge to June because in her mind June was still her best friend from grade school. Perhaps that girl was still in there somewhere, but she had been pushed deep inside by all of the expectations of her parents, her husband, and her cult. She was so compressed at this point, if she could ever break through the layers of stone and sediment, she would emerge as a beautiful, sparkling diamond, and Olivia was determined to see that happen.
"Talk, June," she said as she squatted in front of her. "Tell us everything, and we'll fix this."
"Everybody's gonna hate me," she whimpered, terrified.
"Don't worry about that right now. Just tell us the truth, shug," Dani said, kissing her on the side of the head, and June took a deep breath and stared into space as she recounted the events up until the point that Dani and Alek caught her with Jobe.
She and Jobe had talked about a lot of things that had long been considered taboo in her world. As a preacher, she valued his opinion, but when it came to sex, his opinions did not coincide with what she had been taught all of her life. For starters, he didn't seem to care that she was still a married woman, so sex with Jobe would be cheating, and even if Jimbo was dead, it was still wrong because she wasn't married to Jobe.