by Anna Todd
“I tried, but you wouldn’t have it,” she reminds me.
“I know.” I sigh. “And that’s something I have to learn. I’m a mess without you, Tessa. I’m nothing. I can’t eat, sleep, or even breathe. I’ve been crying for days straight, and you know I don’t cry. I just . . . I need you.” My voice is breaking and cracking, and I sound like a fucking idiot.
“Stand up.” She hooks her arm under mine to try to pull me up.
Once I’m on my feet, I stand directly in front of her. My breath is ragged, and it’s hard to breathe in here, with the steam filling every inch of the bathroom.
Her eyes pour into mine as she takes in my confession. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m crying, she wouldn’t believe me. I know she’s battling with herself, I can tell by the look in her eyes. I’ve seen it before.
“I don’t know if I can; we keep doing this over and over. I don’t know if I can set myself up for it again.” She looks down at the ground. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, look at me,” I plead and tilt her head up so her eyes meet mine.
She averts her eyes, though. “No, Hardin. I need to get in the shower, I’m going to be late.”
I capture a single tear from just below her eye and nod.
I know that I’ve put her through hell and no one in their right mind would take me back again after the bet, the lies, and my constant need to fuck everything up. She’s not like anyone else, though; she loves unconditionally, and she puts everything she has into loving me. Even now, when she’s turning me away, I know she loves me.
“Just think about it, okay?” I ask her.
I’ll give her space to think about it, but I’m not going to give up on her. I need her too fucking much.
“Please?” I say when she doesn’t respond.
“Okay,” Tessa finally whispers.
And my heart leaps.
“I’ll show you—I’ll show you how much I love you and that this can work. Just don’t give up on me yet, okay?” I wrap my hand around the doorknob.
She bites down on her bottom lip, and I let go of the knob to close the small space between us. When I reach her she looks up with cautious eyes. I want to kiss her lips again, to feel her arms wrapped around me, but instead I plant a single kiss on her cheek and step away from her.
“Okay,” she repeats, and I head out of the door.
It takes every bit of self-discipline I possess to walk out of the bathroom, especially when I turn around and she’s pulling the T-shirt over her head to expose her creamy skin, which I haven’t laid eyes on in what seems like years.
I shut the door behind me and lean against the frame, closing my eyes to stop myself from crying again. Fuck.
At least she said she’d think about it. She seemed so apprehensive, though, like it pained her to think of being with me again. I open my eyes when Landon’s bedroom door opens, and he steps into the hall wearing a white polo and khakis.
“Hey,” he says to me as he slings his bag over his shoulder.
“Hey.”
“Is she okay?” he asks.
“No, but I hope she will be.”
“Me, too. She’s stronger than she knows.”
“I know she is.” I use my shirt to wipe my eyes. “I love her.”
“I know you do,” he says, which surprises me.
I look up at him again. “How do I show her that? What would you do?” I ask him.
A pained look flashes in his eyes, but quickly disappears before he answers. “You just have to prove to her that you’ll change for her; you have to treat her the way she deserves to be treated and give her the space she needs.”
“It’s not that easy to give her space,” I tell him. I can’t believe I’m talking to Landon about this shit, again.
“You have to, though, or she’ll just fight back against you. Why don’t you try to show her in a nonsuffocating way that you’ll fight for her? That’s all she wants. She wants you to make an effort.”
“A ‘nonsuffocating’ effort?” I don’t suffocate her.
Okay, maybe I do, but I can’t help it, there is no lukewarm for me: I either push her away or hold her too close. I don’t know how to balance the two.
“Yeah,” he says, like I wasn’t being sarcastic.
But since I need his help, I shake the attitude off. “Could you explain what the hell you mean? Give me an example or something.”
“Well, you could ask her out on a date. Have you guys ever even been on an actual date?” he asks.
“Yeah, of course we have,” I say quickly.
Haven’t we?
Landon arches an eyebrow. “When?”
“Um . . . well, we went to . . . and there was this time we . . .” I’m drawing a blank here. “Okay, so maybe we haven’t,” I conclude.
Trevor would have taken her on dates. Has Zed? If he has, I swear to fucking . . .
“Okay, so ask her out. Not today, though, because that’s too soon for even you two.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snap.
“Nothing, I’m just saying you need some space. Well, she does; otherwise you’re going to push her away even more than you already have.”
“How long should I wait?”
“A few days, at least. Try to act like the two of you just began dating, or you’re trying to get her to date you. Basically try to make her fall in love with you again.”
“You’re saying that she doesn’t love me anymore?” I harshly remark.
Landon rolls his eyes. “No. Jeez, would you stop with the pessimism all the time?”
“I’m not a pessimist,” I bark, defending myself. If anything, this is the most optimistic I’ve been in a long time.
“Okay . . .”
“You’re an asshole,” I tell my stepbrother.
“An asshole that you keep asking for relationship advice from,” he brags with an annoying smile.
“Only because you’re the only friend I have that has an actual relationship, and you happen to know Tessa better than anyone—except me, of course.”
His smile grows. “You just called me your friend.”
“What? No, I didn’t.”
“Yes; yes, you did,” he says, clearly pleased.
“I didn’t mean friend-friend, I meant . . . I don’t know what the hell I meant, but it sure wasn’t ‘friend.’ ”
“Sure.” He chuckles, and I hear the water turn off behind the door.
He’s not so bad, I guess, but I’ll never tell him that.
“Should I ask to drive her to campus today?” I follow him down the stairs.
He shakes his head at me. “What part of nonsuffocating do you not get?”
“I liked you better when you kept your mouth shut.”
“I liked you better when you . . . well, I never liked you,” he says, but I can tell he’s teasing.
I never thought he liked me, actually. I thought he hated me for the terrible things I’ve done to Tessa. But here he is, my only ally in this mess I made for myself.
I reach out my arm and push him lightly, which makes him laugh, and I almost join him until I spot my father at the bottom of the stairs watching us like we’re an act in a circus.
“What are you doing here?” he asks and takes a drink from his coffee mug.
I shrug. “I brought her home . . . well, here.”
Is this her home now? I hope not.
“Oh?” my father says and looks to Landon.
Probably too pointedly, I say, “It’s fine, Dad. I can bring her wherever I want to. You can stop trying to play protector and remember which one of us is your actual child.”
Landon gives me a look as we walk downstairs, and the three of us walk into the kitchen. I grab some coffee, aware of Landon’s eyes still on me.
My dad grabs an apple from the wire fruit basket on the island and begins a fatherly lecture. “Hardin, Tessa has become a part of this family in the last few months, and this is her only place to go when you . . .
” He trails off as Karen enters the kitchen.
“When I what?” I ask.
“When you mess up.”
“You don’t even know what happened.”
“I don’t have to know the whole story; all I know is she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you and I’m watching as you make the same mistakes that I did with your mother.”
Is he fucking serious? “I’m nothing like you! I love her and I would do anything for her! She’s everything to me—which is nothing like you and my mum!” I slam the mug down, spilling coffee on the counter.
“Hardin . . .” Tessa’s voice is behind me. Dammit.
To my surprise Karen jumps to my defense. “Ken, you leave the boy alone. He’s doing his best.”
My father’s eyes immediately soften as he turns to his wife. Then he looks back at me. “I’m sorry, Hardin, I just worry about you.” He sighs, and Karen rubs her hand up and down his back.
“It’s fine,” I say and look at Tessa standing in her jeans and WCU sweatshirt. She looks so innocently beautiful with her damp hair hanging around her makeup-free face. If Tessa hadn’t appeared in the kitchen, I’d have told him how big of an asshole he is and how he needs to learn to mind his own goddamn business.
I grab a paper towel and wipe it over the counter to clean up the pool of coffee on their expensive-ass granite countertop.
“Are you ready?” Landon asks Tessa, and she nods, still staring at me.
I really want to take her, but I should go home and sleep or shower, lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling, clean the place . . . hell, anything but sit here and chat with my father.
Her eyes finally leave mine, and she leaves the room. When I hear the front door close, I let out a deep breath.
As soon as I walk away from my father and Karen, I hear them start talking about me, of course.
chapter ninety-eight
TESSA
I know what I should have done: I should have told Hardin to go away, but I couldn’t. He rarely shows emotion, and the way he was on his knees in front of me broke the pieces of my already-shattered heart into smaller bits. I told him that I’ll think about it, about giving us another try, but I don’t know how this is going to work.
I’m so conflicted right now, more confused than ever, and annoyed with myself for almost giving in to him wholesale. But on the other hand, I’m proud of myself for stopping things before they went too far. I need to think of myself here, not only him—for once.
As Landon drives, my phone buzzes in my lap and I check the screen.
It’s Zed. Are you okay?
I take a deep breath before responding. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m on my way to campus with Landon. I’m sorry about last night, it was my fault that he came there.
Hitting send, I turn my attention back to Landon. “What do you think will happen now?” he asks.
“I have no clue. I’m still talking to Christian about Seattle,” I say.
Zed writes back: No it’s not. It’s his fault. I’m glad you’re okay. Are we still on for lunch today?
I had forgotten about our plans to meet in the environmental studies building for lunch. He wanted to show me some sort of flower that glows in the dark that he helped to create.
I want to keep my plans with him—he’s been so kind to me through everything—but now that I kissed Hardin this morning, I don’t know what to do. I was just sleeping at Zed’s last night, then there I am kissing Hardin this morning. What’s happening to me? I don’t want to be that girl; I still feel some guilt over what happened with Hardin while I was still with Noah. In my defense, Hardin came in like a wrecking ball—I had no choice but to gravitate to him as he slowly destroyed me, then built me back up, then destroyed me again.
Everything that’s happening with Zed is totally different. Hardin hadn’t spoken to me in eleven days, and I had no idea why. I was left to assume he didn’t want me anymore, and Zed has always been there for me. Since the beginning he’s always been sweet. He tried to end the bet with Hardin, but Hardin wouldn’t have it—he had to prove he could bag me regardless of Zed’s protestations to stop the disgusting game.
There’s been bad blood between Hardin and Zed since I met them. I’m not sure why—because of the bet, I started assuming recently—but it’s been evident since the first time I hung out with the two of them. Hardin claims that Zed only wants to get in my pants, but honestly, that’s a little hypocritical of him to say. And Zed hasn’t done a single thing to even hint that he’s trying to sleep with me. Even before I knew about the bet and I kissed him at his apartment, he never made me feel like I had to do anything I didn’t want to.
I hate when my thoughts go back to that time. I was so clueless, and they both played me. But there’s something behind Zed’s caramel eyes that shows kindness, while behind Hardin’s green eyes all I see is anger.
Yeah. Noon’s good, I respond to Zed.
chapter ninety-nine
TESSA
I’m not sure how I feel today. I’m not exactly happy, but not miserable either. I’m confused as hell, and I miss Hardin already. Pathetic, I know. I can’t help it. I’d been away from him so long and almost had him out of my system, but one kiss and he’s coursing through my veins again, overwhelming every last bit of sense I had left.
Landon and I wait for the crosswalk light to change, and I realize I’m really glad I wore a sweatshirt today, because the cold weather is just not letting up.
“Well, looks like it’s time to make those calls to NYU,” he says and pulls out a list of names.
“Whoa! NYU,” I say. “You would do great there. That’s incredible.”
“Thank you. I’m a little nervous that I won’t be accepted for the summer semester and I don’t want to take the summer off.”
“Are you insane? Of course they’ll accept you, for any semester! You’ve got a perfect GPA.” I laugh. “And you’ve got a chancellor for a stepfather.”
“I should have you call them for me,” he jokes.
We go our separate ways and arrange to meet in the parking lot at the end of the day.
My stomach is in knots as I approach the large environmental studies building and pull open the heavy double doors. Zed is sitting on a concrete bench in front of one of the trees in the lobby. When his eyes find me, a smile instantly takes over his face and he stands to greet me. He’s dressed in a white long-sleeved shirt and jeans, the material of his shirt so thin that I can see the swirls of ink below the fabric.
“Hey.” He smiles.
“Hey.”
“I ordered a pizza, it should be here any minute,” he tells me, and we sit back down on the bench and talk about our day so far.
After the pizza is delivered, Zed leads me back to a room full of plants that appears to be a greenhouse. Rows and rows of different types of flowers that I’ve never seen before fill the small space. Zed walks over to one of the small tables and takes a seat.
“That smells so good,” I tell him while I sit across from him.
“What, the flowers?”
“No, the pizza. Well, the flowers are okay, too.” I laugh.
I’m starving, I didn’t have a chance to eat breakfast this morning and I’ve been up since Hardin barged into Zed’s apartment to get me.
He takes a slice of pizza and places it on a napkin for me. Then he grabs his own and folds it in half, the way my father used to do. Before taking a massive bite, he asks, “How did everything go last night . . . well, this morning, I guess.”
I begin to feel uneasy watching him, and the smell of the flowers reminds me of the hours I used to spend in the greenhouse behind my childhood home, escaping from my drunk father screaming at my mother.
I look away from him and finish chewing before answering him. “It was a disaster at first, as always.”
“At first?” He tilts his head and licks his lips.
“Yeah, we fought like we always do, but it’s sort of better now.” I’m not going to tell Zed
about Hardin breaking down and falling onto his knees in front of me; it’s too personal and only for Hardin and me to know.
“What do you mean?”
“He apologized.”
He gives me a look I don’t like much. “And you fell for it?”
“No, I told him I wasn’t ready for anything yet. I just told him I’d think about it.” I shrug.
“You aren’t really going to, are you?” Disappointment is clear in his voice.
“Yeah, I’m not going to dive right back into anything, and it’s not like I’m moving back into that apartment.”
Zed puts his slice down on his napkin. “You shouldn’t even be giving him a minute of your time, Tessa. What more does he have to do to you to make you stay away from him?” He stares at me as if I owe him an answer.
“It’s not like that. It’s not that simple to just cut him out of my life. I said I’m not dating him or anything, but we’ve been through a lot together and he’s been having a really hard time without me.”
Zed rolls his eyes. “Oh, drinking and getting high with Jace is his version of having a hard time, then?” he tells me, and my stomach drops.
“He hasn’t been hanging out with Jace. He was in England.” He really was in England, wasn’t he?
“He was just at Jace’s place last night, just before he showed up at my place.”
“He was?” Of all people, I never thought Hardin would hang out with Jace again.
“It seems a little shady that he would hang out with someone who had such a big part in everything when he seems to hate me being near you.”
“Yeah . . . but you were in on it, too,” I remind him.
“Not in telling you; I had nothing to do with when they embarrassed you in front of everyone. Jace and Molly set the whole thing up—and Hardin knows that, that’s why he beat Jace’s ass. And you know, I wanted to tell you the whole time; it was always more than a bet for me, Tessa. But to him it wasn’t. He proved that when he showed us the sheets.”
My appetite is lost and I feel nauseous. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”