by Jessica Joy
DiMarco stares at me for a long moment, no doubt assessing me the same way I did him to see if I’d actually make good on my threat. God help me if he crosses me on this, I will burn his entire world to the ground with the risk he’s put to my family. I may have gotten out of his organization, but I wasn’t stupid when I left, I made sure to have enough collateral to keep myself alive. If I ever decide to pull that trigger, the entire DiMarco empire will crumble around his ears, and Salvatore knows it.
“Show me,” Sal says crisply, standing from his seat and buttoning his jacket again in that infuriating manner only rich assholes manage to pull off. I give him a crisp nod before turning my attention back to Lexi, who is still clinging to me sobbing silently.
“Alley Cat, I need ye to stay here,” I say trying to turn her eyes up to mine but she just pulls away from me. “It’s all gonna be okay. I promise. Stay here with Tess and Evan. I’ll be right back.” I say quietly, attempting to soothe her as I walk away. The last thing I want right now is to let this woman out of my sight, out of my arms, but if we have any hope of salvaging this situation without having to engage the nuclear option, I need to take it and convince DiMarco of our side.
“I’ll be right back,” I say again. She doesn’t respond or even meet my eyes, but I take the fact that she’s made her way back to her sister as my sign to go.
Chapter 20
Lexi
I am so tired of being shoved off to some corner whenever the menfolk have to have a chat. After everything I’ve been through, and everything that’s happened tonight, the last thing I am prepared to deal with is their macho, sexist, ‘Club Business,’ bullshit. When I’m staying here, away from anything and everything I know, not that I really know anyone or have anywhere else to go, I should be able to know what is going on and be part of their discussions. I just killed a man for fuck’s sake, I have just as much right as they do.
I’ve been pushed to the sidelines my whole life and I’m goddamn tired of it. I refuse to just sit here and let life happen around me, for people to drag me around like some kind of prop in their story. I shouldn’t be the sidekick in my own story dammit! And now with Leo’s blood literally still on my hands, I have just as much skin in the game as they do. Fuck, in this particular instance even more so. I don’t remember any of them killing one of their fucking friends in defense of their life recently.
I stand up and start to storm over to the elevator to follow them but Tessa grabs my arm, tugging me to a stop. “Lexi. Stop. Let them handle this.”
“Let them handle this?” I ask, “When the fuck did you turn into a submissive little doormat of a wife?” disdain dripping from my voice as I wrench my arm away from her and fold my arms across my chest.
“Don’t go there Lex. You know that’s not what I’m doing. I just know enough to pick my battles and Club business isn’t one either of us is ever going to win when they are so worked up. So, sit down, drink your coffee, and take a breath. You’ve been through enough tonight,” Tessa snaps at me, hands going to her hips as she gives me a look, daring me to argue with her.
Oh, I dare. I absolutely dare.
“Tonight? Tonight?!” I ask with a bitter laugh. “You think I’ve been through enough tonight?! I would like to think I’ve been holding it together rather well considering the spectacular parade of shit that has been my life the last few months, fuck, the last few years. Through it all, I’ve held it together, I’ve been the one to keep my head up and just roll with the punches while everyone just evaporates from around me. I’ve let everything go and just adapted because even if I end up not even recognizing myself, at least I’m still standing. But you’re right. I have been through enough tonight. Tonight has finally broken me. I’m done staying quiet, I’m done rolling with the punches and letting everyone else just drag me along. I’m DONE!” I yell. I don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t care who I offend or what stupid rule I break. I’m done letting everyone else dictate my life. It’s time for me to make waves.
“Lexi. Please keep your voice down! Come, just sit and talk to me okay? I understand how you feel…” Tessa says, trying to placate me, but I’m having none of it.
“Oh, you understand. Really Bethany?” I sneer her given name, and by the wince I see cross her features I know I hit my target. With a small smile of satisfaction, I continue, “that’s right Bethany, tell me how you understand how I feel. How you understand what it’s like to be told you aren’t good enough and constantly compared to your perfect sister. To know you’re own fucking parents see you as nothing more than the spare? Or how about how you understand what it’s like to lose your entire family in the span of a week?”
She tries to cut in, and I’m sure she is going to argue she lost our parents too that night. Fuck that.
“No. Shut up. You may have lost our parents that night, but I lost all of you. Do you remember what you did after the funeral? Where you went? How often did you stop by the house and see how I was doing, living in the home they left us? Fuck, how often did you even call to just say hi? Hmmm? Tell me, oh dear sister of mine, how many times did you even think about your poor forgotten little sister?”
I know my words cut deep, and I’m glad for it. I want her to hurt, want her to bleed and feel even a fraction of the pain I have dealt with every single day.
“Lexi, I… you know what I was dealing with, I couldn’t…” she tries to explain, but once again I cut her off with a bitter laugh.
“I know what you were going through, and I truly am sorry you had to deal with it, no woman should ever deal with the abuse that asshole put you through. But your hurt doesn’t erase mine. I don’t think you realize what happened to me during that time. I lost my parents and my sister all at once. You may understand what it was like to lose them… but I have always been here, I never left. You left Beth. I know you had your reasons and maybe they even seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but you left me, alone, to clean out their things. I had no one, I’ve had no one in years,” I want to keep ranting, screaming, but I’m so emotionally wrung out from everything it ends up coming out almost robotically. I don’t have anything else to give.
“I thought… you had Darrin,” she says quietly, trying to reason with herself still.
“Darrin,” I say with a huff, “Yeah. I had Darrin, the man I was all but sold to. Did you know his father ‘picked me out’ for him? The old bastard thought I would be good PR for the family and, more importantly, the firm. The daughter of the dearly departed Police Chief everyone loved so well, marrying into the benevolent Robertson dynasty. Imagine the headlines,” I say with a bitter laugh. “Sure, Darrin was always perfectly nice to me, but there was nothing there, certainly not love. I had no other choices and he did whatever dear old daddy wanted. So no, Tessa, I’ve had no one for years.”
My sister stares at me for a long moment, staring at me like she’s seeing me for the first time. I’m honestly not saying any of this to hurt her at this point, I just want her to understand where I’m coming from, why I am so completely and utterly spent.
“I’m here now, you have me now. I’m so sorry for how things went down after mom and dad died. I never should have gone through with marrying David. You’re right, I didn’t think about you back then and I should have. I should have thought about how you were dealing with all the shit I was trying to avoid myself.”
“You don’t understand. Sure, you’re here now, great, but I still don’t have my sister back. As far as I’m concerned, my sister died that night with my parents.” Tessa rears back at my words, clearly wounded. “Bethany is dead. She has been for a long time,” I mutter to the floor. I look up at her, “Tell me I’m wrong,” I challenge coldly. She stands there, unmoving, and waiting for me to do something else.
“You showed up with your knights in shining armor to sweep me up… out of a situation I never would have been in if it wasn’t for you… but it wasn’t my sister who was there to greet me at that motel. It was some woman named
Tessa with a baby and a biker on her arm. A woman who knows what she wants and has the life she has always deserved; I can absolutely admit that and I’m glad you have it. But it wasn’t Bethany, it wasn’t the shy woman who followed along with the crowd, it wasn’t the woman who let herself get beat by her asshole husband,” I explain, struggling to not break down again.
The look on Tessa’s face as she listens to me shows just how little she’s thought about how much her life has changed in the last few months. Seeing the horror and pain on her face makes me think it never occurred to her that I could feel like this. I’m not numb to her pain, I know what she went through and if Sawyer hadn’t already killed the asshole, I would hunt him down and end him myself. But I didn’t meet my nephew until The Sons staged their little rescue mission and I didn’t even know she ran. Who does that? Who turns their back so completely on the only family they have left that they don’t even know you are in trouble?
“Lexi. I… I never...” Tessa sobs.
“No. You never thought... believe me, I know,” I say with a sad laugh and a shrug, my shoulders slumping in defeat. I’m exhausted, I’m tired of fighting and resisting my feelings, I just can’t spend more energy on her when everything I have is already spent on Gage and I. All the adrenaline that has been driving me since Leo first came into the apartment hours ago has left my system and I feel empty and hollow. The headache pounding between my eyes from lack of sleep only adds to the cocktail of misery I have going. All I want to do is close my eyes and let sleep take me.
“Lex… I should have… I can’t believe I… I’m so sorry,” Tessa chokes out, stopping herself and clearing her throat. I can see in real time the change I’m talking about. She goes from flustered and all over the place to composed, calm, and ready. “Alexis, I love you. You are absolutely right.” The bluntness and honesty catch me off guard, not to mention the sincerity she is giving me with her profession of love. I don’t think she’s ever said that before now that I think about it. “No matter what happened with David, I never should have left you behind to deal with the loss of our parents. I couldn’t think past my next step, my next move, and making it through just one more day without breaking completely was all I could do. All I could think about was to keep everyone away from the pain I was feeling, to turtle up and hide. In some back alley of my mind I guess I hoped that David would forget about you and just focus his anger and hate on me. That he would just forget about anything outside of the snow globe of shit that had become my prison. It only got worse when Evan came along.” She looks longingly at the babe sleeping on his horde of pillows like a little tiny dragon on his gold. Seeing him there, so sweet and innocent, and utterly oblivious to everything, I can understand Tessa’s need to protect him.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. Trying to protect Evan and you by keeping you both as far as possible from everything that was trying to destroy me. I don’t know what I could have done differently in the moment. I know that doesn’t make it right, but it is all I can offer you. I will never forgive myself for what happened with Darrin, empty relationship or not, he was there for you when I wasn’t. His death, your kidnapping, your ‘rescue,’ are all sins you can lay at my feet.” Her voice is starting to crack again, the pain of realization hitting her hard. “I’m so…” her voice breaks as the tears start to flow. “I’m so sorry Lexi. So, goddamn, sorry.” she looks away again, trying to hide her shame. “I hope… I hope we can start over. I hope we can find each other again. I hope I can earn your forgiveness.” She looks up at me at the last, the hope and sadness warring on her face.
There it is again, starting over. Just like Gage and I deciding to let the past go, here is Tessa, asking to move beyond both our pasts to make something new, something fresh. All the anger and frustration I have been holding onto for so long seems to wash away with the realization. What is the point of me holding onto all that shit? What have I been hoping to gain by punishing her, my only living blood, for things neither of us really had any amount of control over? It’s time to embrace what Gage has been teaching me these long weeks. The past can be shed, the past can be left in place, the past can be forgotten. And when you manage to leave it, new things can grow in the open space. Wonderful, beautiful, things.
That’s exactly what Tessa has been trying to do. She’s been trying to find me, help me leave the garbage and keep the precious few things that are worth saving. She’s still looking at me, waiting for me to do something, say anything. The moment is stretching, and I realize this isn’t all on her, as much as I would like to play the victim in all this, I have just as much of a hand in it all as she does. It’s time to take a step toward the future and away from the past. It’s time for me to take a step in the right direction if we have any hope of having any kind of relationship going forward. Things aren’t going to fall into place right away and be magically okay, I’m not fooling myself that it will, but it’s something.
“Tessa, I get why you did it, why everything played out the way it did. I just want to move on. Can we just… start over? We’ve both done things badly in the past, made mistakes we aren’t proud of. Can we close that book and start a new one? I know that doesn’t make the past go away, but it gives us a chance to write a new story,” I ask tentatively, not entirely sure even I believe that we have a chance of fully moving past it all but determined to at least try.
“I can do that. Nothing will erase the past, but I would like to get to know you again, maybe find the family we both lost.” Tessa says with a watery smile. She pulls me into a tight hug, and thankfully it’s over as suddenly as it began, both of us realizing we aren’t quite there yet. Clearing her throat in an attempt to clear the awkwardness from the room, Tessa settles back and I see her face morph from sad yet hopeful sister, into MC Ol’ Lady digging for dirt with the curious light that returns to her eyes.
“So, speaking of starting over… You and Gage seem to have turned a corner over the last few days.”
Oh, right. We haven't ‘girl talked’ since movie nights with Gage started back up. “I’ve realized that letting go of the past can lead to new beginnings. I guess we've decided to go with a clean slate and make something new.”
Tessa’s face drops into a more serious look, the one mother used to give us before she dropped some ‘life lessons’ on us that we were going to totally ignore. “Lex, I get that you might not listen to me as your sister right now. But I hope you’ll listen to me as Sawyer’s Ol’ Lady for a minute.” Tessa says. Unsure of what she’s planning, I only nod and she leads me back to the barstools so we can sit.
“Lexi, I’m gonna tell you something a wise woman once told me when I was being too stubborn to see past my own tits,” she laughs at that, clearly remembering the last time she had this conversation. “She told me; this life is tough but it’s also rewarding. These men, The Sons, they are worth every ounce, every moment we give them, because they give more back to us than we could ever hope for, and all without a single word.” I wait, clearly this is prepared, and I owe her enough to be patient as much as I want to interrupt and short circuit the entire thing.
“One of the hardest things we have to do is to know when to stand our ground and tell them they’re wrong. That’s what Roxy told me, and it was the kick in the ass I needed to finally trust myself enough to give what Sawyer and I have a real chance. That’s not what you need to hear though, you seem to have no problem telling Gage he’s wrong, even when Goldilocks may be the only one between the two of you with his head on straight,” she says in the way that only sisters can tease each other, all joke with no heat. “You need to decide if you can be his support, his guidepost, can you be strong enough to heal him so he can heal you. Can you set your bullshit aside and let him be the badass biker man he is? He’s strong enough to hold all your broken pieces together, if you let him. They all are.”
And there it is, plain as day. The thing both Gage and I have been dancing around without really saying, we are healing each other. A
s much as I have been worried about putting him back together, he’s been doing the same for me. I’ve been so focused on him that I forgot to look at myself and all the healing Gage has given me. I knew that when I spend my time with him, those moments are the best parts of my day. What I didn’t realize was how much time with him has become so… all consuming. Tessa must see the realization dawn across my features because her stern “don’t you dare argue with momma” face melts into a triumphant smile and she settles back against the cushions, clearly satisfied with herself.
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Lexi, you don’t have to say anything; your face is saying enough. You do see it though, how much he’s giving you?”
Of course, I see it, but how do I say this? Since that dumb ass dragged me into the clubhouse after ‘rescuing’ me, I’ve been fighting him. fighting his winning charm, his dumb jokes and his god-awful nicknames. But since I accepted the reboot of our new life, since I’ve accepted that I need to let go of the past, every one of the little things he does have become a salve to the cracks in my heart. I still hate him for some of those nicknames, but in a loving way.
“Yes, Tess, I do. I really, honestly, do,” I finally get out. Her smile widens and I can see that she believes me.
“We’re stubborn, sis. It’s a great thing when dealing with their pig-headedness but it can also make us blind to what's staring us in the face. It’s natural to fight them, hell, they practically ask for it. But what we need to do is recognize when it’s time to listen to them. That is the hard part,” she says knowingly, clearly speaking from experience with Sawyer.
It’s all so clear to me now. Hell, it’s been screaming in my face these last few weeks and I've been a fool to ignore it.. It’s Gage. It’s what he does for me day in and day out that I’ve wanted and needed. I don’t need him to be perfect, I don’t need him to remember the past; I don’t want him to. All I need is for him to need me, to want me.