by Ronica Black
She grinned as she was finally able to balance and began to gain some ground. She rounded the trail five times before she eventually pulled up next to Aaron and killed the engine.
She tore off her gloves, goggles, and helmet and climbed from the bike. Aaron parked it and she hopped with joy when he came to join her.
“That was so much fun. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” They sat on the tailgate of his Ram truck and she slid on her sunglasses. She drank from a cold bottle of water Aaron had fished out of their cooler behind them. He cracked open a Mountain Dew Kickstart and slurped.
“So, you like it, huh?”
“Like it? I didn’t want to stop. I just wanted to keep going faster and faster, whether I was ready yet or not. What a head rush,” she said.
They bumped shoulders and stared out at the vast desert. The sky was just a shade darker than baby blue, and the breeze continued to press against them. It was a beautiful day, and with this latest conquest, it should be one of her greatest days ever. But with the absence of Eve, it felt bittersweet.
“What’s her name?” Aaron asked, leaning back on his hand.
Olivia stared at him, stunned.
“The woman you’ve been seeing. What’s her name?”
Olivia choked on her water.
Aaron remained calm next to her as she had an internal nuclear meltdown. She wanted to run, to escape, but she was frozen. She couldn’t move.
Not now.
Not now.
Not when everything is still such a mess.
“It’s okay, Olivia, you don’t have to be afraid.”
She forced a swallow and focused so hard on a distant saguaro she worried it might burst into flames.
“How did you know?”
He shifted a little. “I’ve always known.”
She looked at him. “You couldn’t have.”
“Really, Olivia?”
“What?”
“You’re gonna sit there and act like the whole thing with your youth leader at church didn’t happen?”
She sat very still, now confused as well as stunned.
“Remember Sarah Benson?”
She reared back as the name registered.
“Oh, my God.” She hadn’t thought of her in years, and flashes of the past began to come at her like quick jabs from a prize fighter. One right after the other.
Aaron leaned forward. “You didn’t remember?”
“Not until just now.”
“You had it so bad for her. You followed her everywhere.”
Her mind spun as memories came. She struggled to make sense of them, to put them all together. She saw Sarah’s face, remembered that Sarah was sixteen when Olivia was thirteen. She remembered the two of them together, talking, laughing, and the way she’d felt so excited and happy when she was with her. And then, she remembered a specific moment. She saw the angles of Sarah’s face lit up in the streetlight. They were sitting just outside the church in the dark. It was late summer. Olivia could still hear the cicadas and smell the oncoming rain. Not just any rain, but that dusty, monsoon rain. She felt Sarah put her hand on hers and trace her fingers up her arm. She saw the look in her eyes, like she was in a deep dream and never wanted to wake. She saw her eyes close as she leaned in and kissed her.
Olivia touched her mouth, still recalling the warm, gentle probe of Sarah’s lips. She could still feel her and feel the sizzling voltage that struck her in response. It had been so instant and so enticing, she had clung to her, never wanting the feeling to end. And then, suddenly, there was a gasp and a shriek and a flicker of distant lightning. They were torn apart and taken away. She remembered angry voices, whispers of embarrassment and shame as she was hurriedly put in the back seat of her parents’ car.
“Mom and Dad, they knew,” she said, looking to Aaron for confirmation.
“Yes.”
“We were caught.”
“Yes. But it was kept very, very quiet. The only people who knew were Mom and Dad, her folks, and the pastor. And, well, I knew you were in love with her. It was more than obvious. And I figured out pretty quickly what happened in having to be around all the hush-hush that followed.”
“That’s why we left that church,” Olivia said softly.
“Mom and Dad pretty much flipped out. We changed churches, friends, nearly everything. You were really devastated. Really, really broken. You wouldn’t talk to anyone. You just holed up in your room.”
She wiped a tear, unable to remember any of that, but imagining the pain her young self must’ve endured. “I blocked all of that out, Aaron. I didn’t even remember her at all until you said her name just now.”
“You were really messed up over it,” he said. “And it’s not like you were given any help or comforted or shown any understanding. The whole thing was just swept under the rug, and Mom and Dad controlled and smothered you more than ever.”
He reached over and touched her hand. “I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m sorry you were treated like that and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
She wiped more tears and leaned into him. “You were young, too. You didn’t know what to do.”
“I knew enough to know that Mom and Dad were wrong in how they treated you.”
“Yeah, well, there’s no surprise there, is there?”
He grew quiet and they both seemed to get lost in the desert before them.
“Do you want to talk about her?” he asked. “This woman you’re in love with?”
“Is it that obvious? That I’m in love?”
“Yes, Olivia, it is. You haven’t changed much in the way of love since you were thirteen. You still wear your heart on your sleeve and when you’re in love, like back then, it shows in everything you do and say. That’s how I knew you weren’t in love with Kenny. I knew who you really were. And I should’ve said something. But you were so far gone and so controlled and so scared to rock the boat with Mom and Dad, I knew you’d never listen to me. And I knew you’d never admit your feelings for women. Not at that time. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, you know? It can be a very powerful thing.”
He nudged her and smiled. “So, who is she, this new wonder woman of yours? She must be something wonderful, because my sister never has, with the exception of Sarah Benson, given her heart to anyone.”
Olivia hugged his arm. “She is, Aaron, she’s so very special.”
“Then why did it end?”
“How did you know it ended?”
He raised an eyebrow. Letting her know once again how obvious her feelings were. And she had been really down. How could he not’ve noticed?
“Because we’re both afraid.”
“Of what?”
“It’s difficult to put into words. I think we’re both afraid of what really loving each other would mean. We would have to completely open up and let each other in. We would have to trust, and in doing those things, our lives as we’ve come to know them would change forever.”
He sighed. “Know what I think? And this is coming from your dopey grease monkey of a brother. I think that in order to be brave, you first have to be vulnerable.”
“I hate feeling vulnerable.” She still couldn’t believe she’d told Eve she loved her. Had she not been caught up in the afterglow of passion, she probably wouldn’t have done it. She was definitely paying the price for that venture with vulnerability. Eve’s silence had been a terrible rejection and it still hurt.
“I know, you moron, I’m talking about you. I know you hate it, I do too. But if you never allow yourself to be vulnerable, then how can you ever be brave? And who wants to live their life afraid? Haven’t you had enough of that for a hundred lifetimes, Olivia? Aren’t you tired?”
“Yes, I’m so tired.”
“Then stop. Just open yourself up and go with the flow.” He nudged her again. “You never know where it might lead. And the not knowing what’s around the corner when you’re open like that, well, that’s better than any damn adrenaline rush you could ever
hope to experience.”
“You’re smart as hell, you know that?”
“I have my moments.” He grinned and wrapped an arm around her. His smile faded as he grew serious once again. “Mom and Dad, though. That’s going to be rough. I think Mom suspects because every time she calls, she asks if you’re dating.”
“Oh, God.” Her stomach plummeted. “I guess she is, considering what happened with Sarah. Everything she’s said to me lately makes so much more sense now.”
“I want you to know I’m here for you this time around. If and when you ever tell them, if you want me to, I’ll be there.”
“Thanks. I just don’t know if I can do it. I have these moments of courage and determination, but then they just seem to vanish.”
“It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.” He pulled her tight. “So, what do you think? You gonna give that whole vulnerability thing a try? So you can unearth some courage and do all the things you want to do with your life? Like riding that bike today?”
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”
“You can do it. Just take it slow and easy,” he said.
“Are you telling me to watch that whisky throttle again?”
He laughed and tugged on his ball cap. “Yep, I sure am.”
Chapter Thirty-four
Eve sat in her Tahoe with the music low and her windows down. It was early evening and the neighborhood was quiet, lit up here and there by streetlights flickering to life. Olivia’s house was across the street with light burning at the door and glowing behind the blinds. Eve wondered if Olivia was sitting down for her evening meal or curled up with a book or maybe, just maybe, thinking about her.
It seemed all Eve could do was think about Olivia. What was she doing? Was she okay? Was she sad? Devastated? Lost? Had they done the right thing in ending it? Could they ever fix things? Did Olivia even want to?
She didn’t know the answers to any of those questions, but she had still been determined to come here. Whatever Karen had done and said to her on that mountain, it had opened up the floodgates and she’d been drowning in emotion ever since. She was facing things she’d never wanted to, feeling things that stabbed her in the gut, sharing things she’d never told a soul.
There was only one person who she hadn’t said anything to. The most important person of all. Would she offer a hand and pull her out of her drowning sea of emotion? Or would she leave her for the fishes? Regardless, she had to do it, she had to try. It didn’t matter how scared she was, she owed it to Olivia to do this.
Eve eased up her windows, removed her key, and slid from the SUV. She locked it with the remote as she jogged across the street to Olivia’s front walk. She stood there for a moment to gather herself, opening and closing her fists, trying to breathe deeply, until eventually, she hurried to the front door. She rang the bell right away, before she could turn and high tail it out of there. She tried shoving her hands in the pockets of her jeans, but it felt awkward. Instead, she fingered through her hair and pressed her lips together, hoping she still looked okay, and then feeling foolish because she was unable to come up with a reason why she wouldn’t still look the same as she had half an hour ago at her own house. After all, she’d only obsessed over her appearance, changing outfits five times and retouching her makeup a few times more than that. She finally settled on a pair of designer jeans and a tan sleeveless sweater that Karen said looked nice on her.
Eve heard the door unlock, and she held her breath as it was slowly pulled open. A young girl smiled at her and spoke.
“Hi.”
“Is—Olivia here?”
“Yep. Hang on a sec.” She closed the door a little and called out, “Auntie Liv, someone is here to see you.” Her face popped back into the doorway. “She’s coming.”
“Oh, okay.” She noticed how much she looked like Olivia. “Are you—Molly?” Olivia had spoken of her niece often, always commenting on how well she thought the two of them would get along. But sadly, they’d never gotten to meet.
The door opened more, and Olivia gasped when she saw her. Eve backpedaled some, upset that she had caused such a strong reaction.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company,” she said. “I didn’t mean to—I shouldn’t have come.” She started to walk away, but Olivia stopped her.
“Eve, wait.” She stepped outside in her bare feet, flannel night pants, and a tight, threadbare tank top.
Eve had to force herself not to stare at the now well-defined muscles of her arms and shoulders, as well as the perfect swell of her breasts stretching the fabric of the tank top. She looked better than ever, putting even the photos Eve had of her on her phone to shame. No camera could truly capture Olivia.
“What is it that you needed?” Olivia asked softly, crossing her arms over her chest, as if she suddenly realized that her shirt was less than adequate.
It was a natural response for one to have when they felt exposed, especially in being outside their home, but even so, Eve felt a sting of rejection, like she no longer had the key to the most spectacular of castles. She now had to wait at the gate and there was no guarantee she’d ever get back in, much less be given a key.
“I was hoping we could talk.”
Olivia searched her face with the beautiful gray eyes Eve had missed and been dreaming of. Though they weren’t currently full of lust or passion or…love, Eve was so grateful just in seeing them and she found herself captivated all over again. So much so, that she almost missed the way Olivia was trying to read her. Like she didn’t want Eve to notice she was doing so.
“Oh?”
And then a slight pink tinted her cheeks as that seeking gaze quickly swept her up and down and then paused to linger on her mouth before returning once again to look into her eyes. It had happened in a millisecond, but Eve had seen it all and she knew what it meant.
Oh, holy fuck.
She still feels it.
She still wants me.
Can she see how badly I still want her?
Eve took a step toward her, almost reached out to cup her jaw and take her with a long, deep kiss, but she stopped, wrestling with restraint.
“I have some things I need to say.” She tried to concentrate as best she could, but her presence alone was having a significant impact on her. “Things I need to say. I was hoping you’d be willing to listen.”
Olivia looked away as her face was overcome with what appeared to be heartfelt emotion.
Oh, my dear sweet Olivia.
It had always been difficult for her to hide her feelings with her, though she’d tried so hard sometimes. That part of her was still very much the same.
“I don’t know,” she surprised Eve in saying. “That may not be such a good thing right now.”
This part, however, was new. Eve wasn’t sure how to respond.
She didn’t have to.
“I know how we both feel, Eve. So, unless something drastic has changed, wanting each other physically just isn’t enough, no matter how intense it is.”
“What if I told you something has changed?”
“I’m not sure I’d believe you.”
“Why not?”
She rubbed her temple. “I’d wonder if this change came to be just so we could fall into each other’s arms, only to do all of this over again and arrive at the same ending. I miss you so much it literally hurts. And I know you miss me, or you wouldn’t be here. But we can’t do this again. We can’t. It would be like building your dream home without a foundation. It would never stand.”
She was so strong now, so firm in her beliefs and opinions. She knew what she wanted, and she wasn’t going to settle. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. And Eve didn’t know if she wanted to smile or cry. She didn’t know whether to tell her the truth or just let her go.
She only knew that she wanted for her happiness. And she’d do anything to make that happen. Even if it meant walking away.
“You’re right. It wouldn’t,” Eve said. They
were silent for a moment as Eve searched for words. But everything she came up with wasn’t enough, and Olivia deserved to have it all. She was put on this earth to have it all. She was someone who was unmistakably made to love. “I don’t want to cause you any more grief or any more pain. So I’m going to go. But I want you to know one last thing. I want you to know that this change that I speak of, it didn’t come about because we ended things and I realized I missed our physicality. It was always there. I just refused to accept it.”
She turned her head and wiped at a tear. Crying was something she did now. Not very often and never in front of anyone other than Karen. But she was doing it. She still hated the way it made her feel though. It did not ever, in any way, feel good. She saw Olivia come toward her out of the corner of her eye, and she knew she’d better go or she’d never be able to.
She just had one last thing to say and she looked directly at her, needing to do it right.
“I’m sorry I was such a coward. I’m sorry I kept pushing you away.”
Olivia blinked quickly as tears formed. When she spoke, it seemed to be a struggle.
“You aren’t the only one who was a coward,” she said. “God, I still am. I still have things to face.” She laughed. “Why you put up with me when I was too afraid to even be around you is something I’ve never understood.” She shook her head. “I was so God damned afraid of who I might really be because of the way you made me feel. But you hung in there. And you were kind and understanding and patient. Why did you do all that when it would’ve been so much easier for you to just walk away?”
Eve closed her eyes, searching for strength now. The words that would answer this question, she had. Because the answer to this question hadn’t been hard to find.
“I thought you were worth the risk,” she said. “Even though I had no idea what would happen or where it would lead, you moved me so profoundly there was no way I could walk away.”
Olivia smiled softly. “And God knows you love your risks.”
“That I do.” She smiled back at her. “You were the best one by far, Olivia. And so worth it. My God, you were so worth it. You still are.”