**********
“That felt kind of like old times,” Matthew said as they stood just outside Anna’s hotel room door later that night.
“No it wasn’t,” Anna chuckled. “You never would have gone to a seminar like that when we were together.”
“Maybe I would have, if you’d bothered to invite me to one,” he countered with a look that created a sad sort of longing in her heart.
She stopped laughing, and thought of the number of times she’d accused him of being insensitive. He’d always grown defensive, and that had led to a complete breakdown in the communication between them. How would things have played out if she hadn’t always attacked first? What if she’d simply invited him to attend those educational events with her, rather than always going alone and then attempting to beat him about the head with what she’d learned when she returned?
“You’re right,” she whispered. Her gaze remained fixed on his chin; she didn’t dare look in his eyes right now. The memory of what they’d shared was too strong just then. If she looked up, he’d see naked longing in her eyes. Maybe walking out on Matthew had been a big mistake; maybe it had been the biggest mistake of her life.
He placed his fingers under her chin, and carefully tilted her head back until she met his eyes. She was taken aback when she saw the tears in his normally happy brown eyes. “We could have worked through anything if I’d known it was important enough to drive you away from me.”
Before Anna could think of a sensible reply, he cupped her face in his hands and brushed the pad of his thumb over the corner of her lips. She recognized the heavy lidded gaze he gave her in that moment. Fragmented ghosts of memories flitted through his eyes, and her face grew warm as she guessed at his thoughts. They’d shared an incredible amount of intimacy, and their almost five year separation melted into nothingness under his heated gaze. He felt like her Matthew again; Matthew, who had seen her through multiple illnesses; Matthew, who knew every detail of her body; Matthew, who had shared breakfast and dinner with her hundreds of times; Matthew, who had held her hand during her mother’s funeral; Matthew, who had studied with her, and ultimately rejoiced with her when they’d both passed the Florida bar exam together; Matthew, whom she had once loved with her entire being.
“What should I have said after you told me you weren’t going to quit that job?” she asked in a broken little voice. “Should I have begged? Should I have given you an ultimatum?” She didn’t even attempt to stifle the tears that came with those words. If he only knew how much that job had changed her life.
Before he could answer, a couple stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall towards them. Anna fumbled to open the door to her suite, and she walked into the room just before the couple passed. The idea of allowing perfect strangers to see her in such a vulnerable moment was more than a little troubling to her. She could barely stand to let Matthew see her tears.
“I wish you had screamed at me and given me an ultimatum,” he said after he followed her into the room and shut the door. “Anything would have been better than me coming home, thinking you’d be there and then not seeing or hearing from you again. There was no argument, no official severing of the relationship…nothing. My only defense against the way you left was to forget you and move on with my life. In a lot of ways, it felt the same as if you had died.”
“It’s good that you’ve moved on with your life, and dated again. I’m surprised you still haven’t married yet.” She cringed a little after that last sentence. “Forget I said that, it’s none of my business,” she quickly amended.
“Maybe I haven’t moved on as far as you seem to think, Anna,” Matthew said as he sat down on the small sofa and patted the spot next to him. “Come sit with me so we can talk. I think that’s the least you owe me after you walked out on what we had.”
With a deep sigh, Anna sat down. She wanted to talk to him about it; she felt the need to clear the air between them so they could part as friends when this night was over. Her body remembered him better than she would have liked. As soon as she sat down next to him, she relaxed into his warmth and felt almost completely at ease. He was able to sense her residual anxiety and restlessness, and with a single warm hand to the back of her neck he helped her relax fully against him. She slipped her hand into his, and leaned her head against his shoulder and said, “We can talk about it. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were planning to leave me?” he asked.
“Because I didn’t plan it out. Believe me Matthew, if I had planned it I wouldn’t have left half my clothes in your closet. I actually made up my mind to leave on the morning I left.”
“Why that morning?” Matthew asked in incredulity.
“Do you remember the last conversation we had? The one we had that morning?” she asked quietly.
“No, I don’t,” he admitted. “I remember everything about the night before, because we’d argued all night. All I remember from the day you left was getting up early, making love to you, and then rushing off so I wouldn’t be late for work. I honestly didn’t know what to think when I came home that night and found that box with your note attached on the dining room table.”
Anna briefly closed her eyes as she thought about that last whispered conversation. It had been a very quiet and unassuming death to their relationship. “Right before we made love that morning, I asked you if there was any way to convince you to give up that job. You looked at me and calmly said, ‘No Anna, there isn’t. This conversation was over last night, so could you please stop bringing up things that are never going to change?’ I didn’t say anything at the time, because I was too hurt and I was emotionally exhausted from trying to get you to see my point of view. You said it was never going to change, and I knew I was never going to be okay with it. I made up my mind to leave after you said that.”
“So you kept me in bed with what I thought was the best make-up sex ever, knowing the whole time that you were going to leave me?” he whispered. The hurt in his voice washed over her, and she remained silent. She knew he didn’t need her to answer his question. “And when I asked you why you were crying, you lied to me. You said you had something in your eye.”
Anna didn’t say anything for a long time after that. Every day, for years, that moment had been foremost in her thoughts. How could it not be, when she was still living with the consequence of making love to Matthew that last time? For one wild moment, Anna flirted with the idea of telling Matthew about everything that had happened after she left him. She then dismissed the idea with a sad sigh. He would never understand, would probably spend the rest of his life justifiably hating her if he knew. She would have to say her final goodbye tonight, and hope that this conversation had brought him enough closure to let her fade back out of his life for good. Before he had the chance to say anything else, she tipped her head back and planted a single kiss on his lips. When she pulled back, he surged forward with a lingering kiss that reminded her of some of the best times they’d ever had as a young couple. The tender way his lips took hers was nothing short of triumphant, jubilant even, as if this was the beginning of something rather than just another painful ending.
“Anna,” he breathed her name with a smile. Everything she needed to hear was in that one word. She knew exactly what he was asking for when he said her name in that tone. He still loved her, and he wanted their relationship to have a second chance.
“Matthew,” she whispered back as her eyes met his. She didn’t want to think about tomorrow and all the complications it would bring, so she chose to live for tonight. He placed his hand on her cheek, and she said, “I’ve missed this.” She knew he could see the naked vulnerability in her eyes, but she didn’t care.
A tear seeped out of his eye, and he said, “I’ve missed this too, and by this, I mean you.” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her again, further deepening the
ir physical connection.
She breathed him into her, and let his positive energy fill her and give her strength for the future. His hands became entangled in her hair as he held her head close to his. She readily opened her mouth under the moist heat of his overwhelmingly tender kiss. The passion that he kept tightly leashed simmered just under his façade of calm. She felt that passion in the strong, rapid beat of his heart, and in the tension that kept his muscles taught as he embraced her. Her body recognized the familiarity and fierce possessiveness of the way he held her, and she shamelessly rejoiced in it. She felt like she belonged to him, but more importantly she felt his body telling her that he still belonged to her. “I’ve missed being this close to you,” she said between kisses.
“Oh Anna, you have no idea how it feels to hear you say that,” he said as he leaned back to look deep in her eyes. “All the women I’ve tried to date in the last four years have suffered unfair comparisons to you. None of them could ever quite measure up, because I was never able to fully get over losing you. When I look at you right now, it’s like we’ve never even been apart. Time and distance become miniscule concerns, because I still see my future with you right beside me.”
Anna felt tears wetting her cheeks again. If only they could just start again. If only things were that simple. As she looked at him just then, she realized that not only had she not stopped loving him, but also that she would never stop loving him. She abandoned her passive position at his side, and climbed atop his lap. His arms went around her waist as she unbuttoned his shirt. His breathing quickened at her touch. Once she’d removed his shirt, he made short work of getting her out of her clothes. It seemed like his nimble hands were everywhere at once, and sharp desire for him quickly overwhelmed her senses. She abandoned all thoughts of tomorrow as their mouths, bodies, and minds melded together one last time.
The Second Chance Page 5