“It’ll be okay, JB,” Michelle promises. The sound of my nickname twists the knife Devin plunged into my heart and the tears start in earnest. The sobs bubble up from somewhere deep in my chest. A dam has broken loose and I can’t stem the tide of sorrow washing over me. I keel forward, my head dropping in my hands as my tears drop to the floor.
The three of us sit in the quiet. Our roles now reversed, Becs rubs my back in slow, soothing circles. She is choked with guilt when she says, “I’ll tell him the truth. He’s already pissed at me anyway.”
“No,” I snap. “He can’t pretend he loves me but not trust me. How could he think I’m planning on leaving?”
“Well, weren’t you?” Michelle asks, leaning down to pick up the scattered, offending letters.
I glare at her. “Not like that. Not anymore. Not without him.”
“Then why didn’t you tell him?”
“I don’t know!” I sobbed. They watch me pace with concern and confusion etched in their faces. Because I was afraid he’d say no.
“You weren’t really going to leave, were you?” Becs asks, her voice betraying her own distrust.
I shake my head, my eyebrows pinching together in annoyance. “No. Yes. Maybe.”
Becs snatches the papers and waves them in front of me in silent accusation. I rip them out of her hands, toss them back in the drawer they came from and slam it shut with an echoing thud. “I thought maybe he’d come with me. Or, I don’t know. I’ve been offered this amazing grant—”
“Wow,” Becs scoffs and Michelle audibly winces.
I level the kid with one of her brother’s devastating scowls. “Ever heard the one about the pot and the kettle, BB?”
She jumps up off the bed and squares off with me. “Hey, don’t turn this around on me. That’s different.”
“Oh, right!”
“It is.” Her voice rises and our eyes lock. Michelle sits on the edge of the bed, riveted, her gaze darting between Becs and me like we’re the final match at Wimbledon. “I know what I want. The one thing I want. Notre Dame. I’m not talking about other opportunities and stringing along my brother for fun. He wants to start a life with you, Jessie.”
“I know.” I shriek. I rip open the drawer, pull out the letters and tear them into tiny shreds until they match my tattered heart. I toss the pieces in the air and they rain down on us like confetti. I peer at Becs through the paper storm. “I love him, Rebecca Bennett.”
Becs takes in the mess surrounding us with a satisfied smirk. “Okay then.”
“Go get him,” Michelle adds, beaming like she’s watching some Hallmark movie.
I stare at the ground. “No.”
“Why not?” Michelle and Becs ask in unison.
“Because I’m willing to give up everything.” I gesture to the shreds of my future littering the floor then to the door. “And he walked out on me like it was nothing. Like what we have doesn’t matter.”
“He’s just hurt.” Michelle squeezes my arm.
“You know how he loves surprises,” Becs deadpans.
“I’m sure he’ll calm down,” Michelle adds.
“I don’t care if he wants me again when he calms down. The point is he walked away. He can walk away.” I flop down on my bed. “I’ve been chasing him since day one. Pushing. Prodding. Blackmailing. I made this happen. He’s just been along for the ride.” I pull my shoulders back and stare straight ahead. “Well, the ride’s over. I’m done chasing after Devin Bennett.”
* * * *
I throw myself into every activity I can find. There’s not a spare second in my day to think about Devin. Except I still do. All day. Every day. In class. At volleyball. During study group. While I’m writing my grant proposal for Professor P. Sitting at the table during dinner with my family. I obsess over every touch, every kiss, every word. I miss him. I miss his smell and his scowl. I miss his smile and his groan. I miss the mix of tender harshness.
I kept the promise I made to myself the day he stormed out. I haven’t called him. I haven’t gone by the shop. I haven’t asked Becs about him. I’m giving him the distance he’s always wanted and it’s killing me. I feel like a Jenga tower with half the pieces missing, shaky and incomplete. A strong breeze and I’ll topple to the ground.
Despite the few nights I convinced myself I saw his car driving by my house, I haven’t heard from Devin in two weeks. Becs texts me every day. Nothing that matters, just small stupid jokes and memes, like she’s scared I’ll fade away if she doesn’t keep reaching out. I might. I love Becs. I love Rob and Mandy. I love that stupid repair shop and all the crazy people in it. But for now, at least, they’re too painful to be around. My phone buzzes in my pocket with a text from Becs.
Come by the shop at five today. I’ve got something to tell you. Don’t worry, he-who-shall-not-be-named won’t be here.
Electricity shoots across my body at the idea of returning to the shop. The chance of seeing Devin again makes my mind race and my heart do backflips. I don’t answer and she texts again.
Everyone misses you! Rob keeps sniffling when he looks at your computer system. He says it’s allergies, but I’m not buying it.
Becs has no qualms about playing dirty. She knows I adore that man and his bushy mustache. I text back that I’ll try, not wanting to confirm for sure where I’ll be or when, just in case this is a set-up.
I drive through the parking lot slowly, checking each and every car to make sure Devin’s isn’t here. My stomach is churning and my heart is racing. I feel like I’m slipping behind enemy lines. The familiar bell over the door announces my arrival. Rob and Becs, who were both engrossed with a magazine on the counter, look up to find me standing in the shop, waving awkwardly.
“Jessie!” Becs squeals, jumping over the counter and rushing at me. She wraps her arms around me, tighter than a boa constrictor. Rob’s warm chuckle soothes my nerves as he hugs the both of us.
“We missed you around here. This one most of all,” Rob tells me. Becs levels him with a stern gaze. “Well, second most, I suppose.” My heart swirls in my chest at the off-hand comment. He must be talking about Devin. Has he missed me? I can’t picture it. He’s too mad at me to miss me.
I avoid the bait and slip out of the group hug. “I missed you two too.” I slink over to the far side of the shop, peeking into the office to make sure he’s not lurking in the back.
“He’s not here.” Becs’ voice startles me as I search the small office with my eyes, picturing every inch of Devin’s large body from memory.
I clear my throat and force lightness into my voice. “Okay. So, what’s this news you had to tell me in person?”
Becs bounces over to the magazine on the counter. I follow behind her, still nervous and on edge, scanning the small shop for the man I love and am desperate to avoid.
“I’m going!” Becs declares in victory. I shake my head, trying to focus on my friend. Seeing that I’m not following, she holds up the magazine. Not a magazine, a brochure. For Notre Dame. “I’m going to Notre Dame.”
I hug her tight. “That’s great, Becs. I’m so happy for you.” I try to find the words to ask about Devin, but can’t.
“We had a family meeting.” She looks over at Rob, gratitude carved into her delicate features. “Rob and Mandy are going to drive me there in the fall and stay for a little while to help me get settled.”
My eyebrows knit together and I stare at Rob, the peacemaker. How did he get Devin to agree to this?
“It’s hard to let go of your baby, but that’s what being a parent is. You do it right, and someday your little bird’s going to leave the nest.” Rob wraps an arm around Becs’ shoulders with a proud grin. “But seeing ’em soar helps soothes the pain of not being needed.”
We all know he’s talking about Devin. He must’ve accepted that, no matter how tightly he held on, at some point Becs is going to grow up. She isn’t going to need him forever.
“I still need you guys!” Becs answers. “Who el
se is going to do my laundry?”
We share a light laugh until the sound of the shop bell sends a jolt of electricity down my spine. I keep my eyes on Becs and Rob, refusing to turn to see who’s joined our little party. The way Becs’ eyes go wide and Rob begins fussing with the computer tells me who it is. I take a deep breath and hold it, willing my heart to slow down and my stomach to settle. My skin prickles with terrified excitement.
“You said you were going to be gone for two hours,” Becs accuses.
“Sorry to disappoint,” Devin growls back.
I shut my eyes against the onslaught of emotion. Hearing his deep voice tears me apart. Becs grabs my hand behind the counter, where Devin can’t see, and gives an apologetic squeeze.
Wiping the pain off my face, I turn to look at him. Despite my best efforts to steel myself, I gasp at the sight. His broad shoulders, his strong arms, his trim waist. His judgmental scowl. He is a beautiful devil, existing only to torture me.
“Devin,” I call his name in a quick, detached greeting. An immobile statue, he doesn’t so much as nod.
“I’d better get going,” I tell Becs and Rob. I give them both a quick hug before I flit across the shop, moving as quick as I can without seeming like I’m running away. Devin’s still standing by the door, refusing to move. It’s impossible to leave without brushing past him, and the familiar scent of citrus and machinery makes my knees weak. I grip the door and step into the sun. I’m desperate for the safety of my car, debating sprinting across the parking lot, when I hear the sound of Devin’s boots following behind me. He reaches out and grabs my arm, taking a deep breath and holding me in place.
“That’s it?” he asks in a harsh whisper.
My pulse is pounding in my ears. The sun is beating down on my flushed face while Devin’s fingers burn into the skin on my arm.
“What else is there?” I ask, happy my voice doesn’t betray the terror coursing through my body.
His grip relaxes and he traces down my arm with his fingers until his palm finds mine. He squeezes but says nothing. We stare at our clasped hands, both afraid to let go.
“I owe you an apology,” I start, unsure if anything I say will matter. “You were right. I’m leaving. I should’ve told you. I was trying to find a way, but after everything that happened with Becs, I just didn’t know how.” I close my eyes and force away the tears. I swallow the sadness and push on. “I was afraid. That you’d say no. Or that you’d ask me to choose. That I might lose you.” I let out a tortured laugh. “Guess it doesn’t matter now. I lost you anyway.”
I force myself to meet his eyes. I need to know he hears me. “I’m starting a program to help small businesses. For the next few years, I’ll be traveling around the state, doing what we did here.” I nod behind him to the shop. “It’s what I want to do.”
He lets go of my hand and a twinge of sadness flashes across his stoic face. Most people would miss it, but I know him too well and I’m looking too hard not to see. I close my eyes and let my head drop back, the hot sun on my face no match for the fire burning in my heart for this man.
Tears choke my voice when I confess, “I wish I was stronger, but I’m not.” I shake my head and stare into those beautiful coal black eyes. “I can’t be with you like this. Halfway. I love you too much. I’d make myself miserable trying to make you happy.”
I force myself to walk away, my heart breaking in my chest with every step. I refuse to let myself look back.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Devin
My pointless alarm goes off at six and my fist comes down with a vengeance on the Snooze button. I didn’t fall asleep last night. I haven’t slept for shit in the weeks since I walked out of Jessie’s bedroom. I thought walking away would be easier than getting strung along, but I can still smell her on my pillows. I hear her laugh in the silence. I see her everywhere, catching imagined glimpses of her wherever I go. It’s worst in the shop. That place is my second home, but these days it tortures me with memories of the crazy woman who stomped on my heart.
Her words from yesterday have been ringing in my ears ever since. Halfway. Is that what she thinks I’m doing with her? I wanted to scream at her. She’s the one only halfway in. She’s got one foot here with me and one foot in some other future. So, I let her go. Or, at least I’m trying to.
My alarm blares on my nightstand again and I send it sailing across the room. I take one last breath of Jessie’s sweet smell on my pillow before I strip the bed, tossing the sheets into the hamper with a twinge of regret.
I make it to the shop and dive into work. I haven’t had the patience to work behind the counter this week, so I’m out in the bays, ripping an engine apart while Rob deals with our customers. I glare at him through the glass. I don’t know what him and Becs were trying to do yesterday, having Jessie show up here just to torture me, but I’m pissed about it. This is my shop. My space. I don’t need her here. I’ve got enough memories to make me miserable for a lifetime. My mind flashes back to giving Jessie her necklace. Of taking her on the hood of a car in this bay. I toss aside my wrench and stalk into the shop.
“What the hell was that yesterday?” I bark at Rob.
Rob’s mustache twitches, an easy tell that he’s annoyed. Still, he keeps his voice calm. “Your sister wanted to see her friend. Do you have a problem with that?”
“When that friend is my ex and she’s in my shop, yes. I do.” I cross my arms and scowl at him.
“What are you playing at, son?” Rob asks on a long sigh. I don’t answer. “You’re in love with that girl. That much is plain as day.”
I don’t deny it. “And?”
“And, if you don’t mind me sayin’ so, you’re going about it back ass-wards.” His tone is the same I use to tell a hipster his ancient Saab is beyond saving. It leaves no room for doubt or argument.
“I mind.”
Rob watches me with detached curiosity.
I run my fingers through my hair and take a few breaths. “She’s planning on leaving and she has the balls to tell me I’m only in this halfway.”
Rob rubs his mustache like it’s the source of all his worldly wisdom. “She tell you she’s leaving?”
I nod. “Eventually.”
“She ask you to go with her?”
I shake my head.
“Would you if she did?”
“What the fuck does that matter?” We both know the answer. I would. If she asked me to, I’d go to the moon and back for that woman.
Rob hums. “You scared of losing her?”
“Already lost her,” I snap.
Rob shakes his head. “Nah. Jessie loves you. She’s just scared too.”
“She’s got no reason to be scared. I’m here,” I snarl, slapping my chest.
Rob looks me up and down. “You tell her that? You tell her you love her? That you’re willing to go wherever she’s going?”
I pull my shoulders straight and glare at him. “Don’t have to tell her. I’ve shown her.”
Rob glares right back. “Yeah? What’ve you done to show that woman you’re all in?”
I rack my brain for an answer, but can’t think of one. She must know.
“You can be brave and show her. Or, you can keep bein’ stupid and let her go.”
Could it be that simple?
Rob crosses the shop, slapping a hand on my shoulder. “Either way, stop bein’ such an asshole. You’re scaring away all our new customers.”
I know she’s worth it. Worth chasing to the ends of the earth. But I’ve never gotten off my selfish, stubborn ass to bother showing her what she means to me.
“I need to take a few days off,” I tell Rob.
He nods. “Good. Bring that girl home. Mandy’s ready for grandbabies.”
I shake my head, ignoring Rob’s comment and the smile it put on my lips. I grab my phone out of my pocket and call Austin as I slide in behind the wheel of my car.
“What’s up, Dev?” Austin asks.
; “Need your help, man.” I grip the steering wheel, hating what I know I’ve got to do. “Elizabeth with you?”
“Yeah, whaddya need?”
I tell him what I’ve got in mind, and after a solid five minutes of laughing at my expense, he’s ready to make shit happen.
If Jessie doesn’t know what I’m willing to do to keep her, she sure as fuck will soon. I just hope to hell it works.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jessie
In a weird role reversal, nerdy and conservative Elizabeth is digging through my closet on Friday night looking for a cute outfit for me to wear. She’s been relentless for the past forty-eight hours, begging me to come out with her to celebrate the end of the term. I said no the first two hundred times she asked. I’ve ditched out on every single social obligation for the past week. ‘No’ is my new favorite word.
Seeing Devin again, telling him it was over and not having him fight it, has left me listless and exhausted. My sorority sisters have taken turns feeding me, bringing me mac and cheese, pancakes or ice cream on the days I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.
“Go shower. Your stink is starting to reach the hallways,” Michelle teases. She’s joking, I think. I showered yesterday. Didn’t I?
“Fine.” I sulk on my way to the shower. I turn the water up as hot as I can stand it, eager to feel much of anything.
Michelle does my makeup and Elizabeth combs through my hair, pinning it in a cute but messy updo. “This is exactly what you need. A girls’ night!” Michelle giggles. “We’re going to find you someone even hotter than Devin tonight!”
Elizabeth clears her throat and squeezes my shoulders. “If you’re ready…”
I blink away the tears. “I’m not.”
“Okay,” Elizabeth’s voice is warm and soothing in my ear. She’s had her heart broken. She knows how much I’m hurting right now.
This is So Happening (So Far, So Good Book 2) Page 18